Not feeling so up today
Thanks,
Bobby
Comments
-
The Cycle of Cancer...
Somedays you are the windshield - somedays you are the bug:)
Feelings rotate in cycles. It's quite understandable, Bobby, as you've just been diagnosed at a young age and the reality of what you're up against is seeping in - but only enough of what you can absorb.
Stage IV is very tough...I'm one myself, having advanced to that stage 3 years ago on Christmas 2007. 3 different doctors, my liver surgeon included, predicted I would not see the next Christmas.
Now, if my math is correct, in less than a month that will be 3 years since I've been "dead" and am still here.
Now, it has not been easy. I've had 5 major surgeries and 3 cancer recurrences during that time. I'm 3 years into 5 of the Stage IV life expectancy scenario. I want those next 2 years and am fighting for them with all that I have right now.
Cancer is a tricky beast, because when it look like it has gone away, it finds a way back sometimes - this is recurrance - and is always where the battle of cancer is fought and ultimately won or lost.
You're just getting started, so it's too early to put a stamp on it and mail it in. You've got to double up your fists and fight - and fight hard - and maybe for longer than you were planning. This can come with the territory.
There are many stage 4's here who are still going - and we've got some who have actually walked away from cancer and it's behind them.
Time is always the telling factor. Clinically, you have to go 5 years with NO RECURRENCE to be considered cured by the medical community. That's why it's a meaningful goal, because it is what everyone wants, but is a fight to get to.
I've been at this now for 6.5 years, Bobby, so my perspectives are going to be vastly different from yours....that's the journey.
Go ahead and have these moments - then put them behind you and get to the business of fighting hard for as long as your mind and body will let you. I feel you've got many chapters still to write.
I was mis-diagnosed as well...hemhorroids...I had them, but my doc let it go for 3 years before we got to the GI - and it has been a stuggle as a result.
Many of us got that way through our original doctors...it's a bad deal, but we try to make lemondade out of lemos.
Head up now - and go forth! You've got a lot of livin' to do:)
Best regards
-Craig0 -
Bobby
I am still early in my treatment and dx so, I can't personally say hey, I've got so and so many years. There are those here who can and will say it though. But, I have read the nunmbers too and there are times when such things weigh on me also. Hang in there. This too shall pass. I have pretty much been a live for today but plan for the future sort of person for many reasons that have occurred outside my control. Cancer is just one of them. One thing I can say is that you have to leave the "what ifs" behind. They only take up space and time in your mind and don't have anything positive to add to your life.
I just want to say that I totally understand what and how you are thinking. You are not alone. I don't have a spouse but, I have been the sole provider and support for my disabled son for 23 almost 24 years and because I have to plan on not being there for him, I have made the best arrangements and changes for him so that him might best be able to go forward in the future whether it is with or without me. Having the power to do these things makes me feel a whole lot better. It doesn't take away the fact that it might very well happen but, it does give me some comfort. As a parent one of our goals for our children is that we best prepare them for life, period.
You have my empathy with these thoughts that are making you angry. Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair and we all know life isn't fair. Just take a deep breathe and walk with faith that what will happen is exactly what is suppose to happen for everyone. Do all you can to plan for the worse but live for the best that can happen. I am sending warm prayers and big cyber HUGS to you. No matter what, it will be OK.
Feel the love!0 -
Hi Bobby !
Just cheer up,I know how do you feel but don't give up , you have done a good job with your attitude , of course there are lots of 5 years survivors
in this board,some of them actively posting and others that left the board, I suppose tired about cancer!.
I'm sure you will find many of them in this thread , and of course , be careful with the Internet, first suggestion of my doctors: don't look at it!
Hugs!.0 -
CraigSundanceh said:The Cycle of Cancer...
Somedays you are the windshield - somedays you are the bug:)
Feelings rotate in cycles. It's quite understandable, Bobby, as you've just been diagnosed at a young age and the reality of what you're up against is seeping in - but only enough of what you can absorb.
Stage IV is very tough...I'm one myself, having advanced to that stage 3 years ago on Christmas 2007. 3 different doctors, my liver surgeon included, predicted I would not see the next Christmas.
Now, if my math is correct, in less than a month that will be 3 years since I've been "dead" and am still here.
Now, it has not been easy. I've had 5 major surgeries and 3 cancer recurrences during that time. I'm 3 years into 5 of the Stage IV life expectancy scenario. I want those next 2 years and am fighting for them with all that I have right now.
Cancer is a tricky beast, because when it look like it has gone away, it finds a way back sometimes - this is recurrance - and is always where the battle of cancer is fought and ultimately won or lost.
You're just getting started, so it's too early to put a stamp on it and mail it in. You've got to double up your fists and fight - and fight hard - and maybe for longer than you were planning. This can come with the territory.
There are many stage 4's here who are still going - and we've got some who have actually walked away from cancer and it's behind them.
Time is always the telling factor. Clinically, you have to go 5 years with NO RECURRENCE to be considered cured by the medical community. That's why it's a meaningful goal, because it is what everyone wants, but is a fight to get to.
I've been at this now for 6.5 years, Bobby, so my perspectives are going to be vastly different from yours....that's the journey.
Go ahead and have these moments - then put them behind you and get to the business of fighting hard for as long as your mind and body will let you. I feel you've got many chapters still to write.
I was mis-diagnosed as well...hemhorroids...I had them, but my doc let it go for 3 years before we got to the GI - and it has been a stuggle as a result.
Many of us got that way through our original doctors...it's a bad deal, but we try to make lemondade out of lemos.
Head up now - and go forth! You've got a lot of livin' to do:)
Best regards
-Craig
Thank you so very much for your words they have helped to get me back where my mind usually is. So I see you have been at it for 6.5 years so that means you were stage 3 and now stage 4 is that correct?0 -
Thanks LoriLori-S said:Bobby
I am still early in my treatment and dx so, I can't personally say hey, I've got so and so many years. There are those here who can and will say it though. But, I have read the nunmbers too and there are times when such things weigh on me also. Hang in there. This too shall pass. I have pretty much been a live for today but plan for the future sort of person for many reasons that have occurred outside my control. Cancer is just one of them. One thing I can say is that you have to leave the "what ifs" behind. They only take up space and time in your mind and don't have anything positive to add to your life.
I just want to say that I totally understand what and how you are thinking. You are not alone. I don't have a spouse but, I have been the sole provider and support for my disabled son for 23 almost 24 years and because I have to plan on not being there for him, I have made the best arrangements and changes for him so that him might best be able to go forward in the future whether it is with or without me. Having the power to do these things makes me feel a whole lot better. It doesn't take away the fact that it might very well happen but, it does give me some comfort. As a parent one of our goals for our children is that we best prepare them for life, period.
You have my empathy with these thoughts that are making you angry. Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair and we all know life isn't fair. Just take a deep breathe and walk with faith that what will happen is exactly what is suppose to happen for everyone. Do all you can to plan for the worse but live for the best that can happen. I am sending warm prayers and big cyber HUGS to you. No matter what, it will be OK.
Feel the love!
I wanted to say thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to sent some kind words to someone you hardly know. This is what is great about this site. You are so right in that I need to walk my day with lots of faith. God is what is going to get me through these hard times but that dang devil sure wants to bring me down. But sorry devil my support system here is too strong and they have lifted me up so you can keep your negative thoughts.0 -
OOhhh!pepebcn said:Hi Bobby !
Just cheer up,I know how do you feel but don't give up , you have done a good job with your attitude , of course there are lots of 5 years survivors
in this board,some of them actively posting and others that left the board, I suppose tired about cancer!.
I'm sure you will find many of them in this thread , and of course , be careful with the Internet, first suggestion of my doctors: don't look at it!
Hugs!.
I have forgotten , one of my best Friends : Colorectal stage 4 mets to liver, 2 years later reoccurrence in lung , now 7 years NED!
Just let you know it!0 -
Hey Bobby,
I'm really sorry
Hey Bobby,
I'm really sorry that you are feeling down today, but I know that you have the fight in you to get through this! You know why, it's because I just read your last post to "NJC" where you wrote: "I am not saying she is gonna be cured tomorrow but never give up faith and always fight, at least this is how I live my life. I thank God every single day that I am here with my family." Now THIS is the attitude to beat the beast! :-) Now stop thinking bad thoughts and enjoy the holidays with your beautiful children! God bless you and your family, take care, Cynthia0 -
Maybe there is something in the air....
because I've been going through a bit of cancer mind-$u@k (expletive deleted) today - the why's, the cursing everything that cancer does to us, the questions, the insults in how it takes control of our bodies. And I have a good prognosis. According to one dr, I was supposed to be dead over 1 1/2 years ago, but that's not happening, and I'm not near dead now!
It's hard to see that while some of us will do well, despite our cancer stage, others will not. Some Stage 1s will not survive, while Stage 4s will go on to be cured.
A little of this feeling sorry for myself and others, and then back on to continue living - I have lots to do, and this life is filled with unknowns.
Live, love, and laugh while we may!
Alice0 -
sorry you are so down
This beast just really sucks sometimes. I hate it when the devil gets going and gets us questioning what God has planned for us; but that's the nature of THAT beast. I know you will come back up from the pit and get back into the fight, full on, gloves on and showing no mercy. It is tough when we have children to think about, but you have to let those kinds of things go, let God handle it. After all, He can handle it, we can't! I know there are others on here who also struggle with young children, so I will let them chime in on that one. I am also one who was diagnosed over 6 years ago, August of 2004. It's not been an easy ride, I've also had 3 recurrences, getting ready to jump back into the battle with another recurrence. It's been tough, but the time I've gotten is precious. I've gotten to know many angels I wouldn't have otherwise, and gotten to know my loved ones better than I think I would have had a chance to with different circumstances. Don't get me wrong, if I find a time machine, I will be in it in the blink of an eye to return to a time where this beast could be caught early enough to make it an easier journey for me and my loved ones. However, it is what it is, so I try to spend my energy on those things I can control. I have some down times, but I am always able to climb back out and get on with the fight; as I know you will also. Stay strong and keep fighting!
mary0 -
Bobby I am a lucky SOB
They told my older sister she had 6 months to live with cancer when she was in her 40s. She had 2 young daughters.
She is now like 74. I say I am lucky SOB because she is and has been my path finder.
Like you she is very religious. Me, to an extent but not so much in a normal way. I talk to my higher power in the woods here at the farm. I be the black sheep in the family.
She has harped on me for keeping a damn good attitude and to use visualization. She said she would visualize that damn chemo like it was Pac Man eating the cancer cells.
She keeps me setting reachable goals as she did. Like see her daughter graduate from high school, then collage and so on. She now has 3 grandkids. All reachable goals.
Me, I cut firewood for next year. I keep all my scans on the computer and I study the hell out of them. I visualize the damn spots gone. Damned if they just don’t go away.
Yes this is kind of a hell with what we all deal with. But damn it, deal with it. It is a mind, body, spirit game and you need to play to win. Attitude Attitude Attitude!!!!!
I have a tumor in my brain, which I was just told by telephone while typing this, that it is too damn big to cut out or use Cyberknife to make it gone. But we can use standard radiation to shrink the damn thing. If we can get it to shrink, it is game on. Give me a plan and I will kick **** with it.
My only fear now, with the radiation, is it might just take my crude, rude, tactless, socially unacceptable, but basically loveable personally away. I want to stay me.
Kerry0 -
Some days are tougher than others
I can understand your need for information about what you are facing, I did the same thing myself when I was diagnosed the week before Christmas last year (Stage 3).
The one thing you have to remember about any of the 'servival stats' is that those are just numbers. Only God knows when your life here on earth will end. Don't second guess Him. He has given you a mighty task, that of fighting this disease and living for your family. Give it all you have got.
We all go through the days of doubting our abilities to make progress against this disease. We all do wonder if we will be around for our loved ones.
The best we can do is acknowledge our fears, and then get on with the task of living and fighting to the best of our abilities.
Best wishes and prayers for peace of mind
Marie0 -
Feelings
We all have had these same feelings. There are days you just cry and ask "why me", but then there are the days where you do something and actually your mind isn't on cancer for an hour or two and those are the special moments that you will remember. This board helped me out so much on my down days, just knowing that others have been where I've been and can tell me it's ok to feel that way. Always come here when you are feeling down. Hoping that you had a nice Thanksgiving and was able to keep your mind off things for awhile. Don't search the internet for information, it is outdated. Hoping for a better tomorrow for you.
Kim0 -
Cookies anyoneLovekitties said:Some days are tougher than others
I can understand your need for information about what you are facing, I did the same thing myself when I was diagnosed the week before Christmas last year (Stage 3).
The one thing you have to remember about any of the 'servival stats' is that those are just numbers. Only God knows when your life here on earth will end. Don't second guess Him. He has given you a mighty task, that of fighting this disease and living for your family. Give it all you have got.
We all go through the days of doubting our abilities to make progress against this disease. We all do wonder if we will be around for our loved ones.
The best we can do is acknowledge our fears, and then get on with the task of living and fighting to the best of our abilities.
Best wishes and prayers for peace of mind
Marie
Yes that's right cancer you may have got my mind wondering the what if's earlier but screw you I'm back and I just made cookies with my daughter and that was something you couldn't take from me today. God bless all of you who have sent me a loving message I thank you so much and pray for all of you nightly.... Anyone want a chocolate cookie????0 -
HelloAnnabelle41415 said:Feelings
We all have had these same feelings. There are days you just cry and ask "why me", but then there are the days where you do something and actually your mind isn't on cancer for an hour or two and those are the special moments that you will remember. This board helped me out so much on my down days, just knowing that others have been where I've been and can tell me it's ok to feel that way. Always come here when you are feeling down. Hoping that you had a nice Thanksgiving and was able to keep your mind off things for awhile. Don't search the internet for information, it is outdated. Hoping for a better tomorrow for you.
Kim
I wish I had time to write more, I am just heading out, but I had to chime in and say your feelings are so normal. I was DX 2 years ago Dec 1, stage 4, mets to the liver. I was 38! Ate pretty healthy, worked out. Never really needed to go to the dr except for a cold here and there. After I found out I did chemo, radiation, had 2 surgeries, one was at MD Anderson where I had 80% of my liver resected, then mop up chemo. Then 9 months later I had a reoccurance in my plueral area of the lungs...so back on chemo, 11 rounds. All clear again. However, I feel better today than I have in a long time.
I have a 6 year old little girl and I get scared that I am not going to see her get married or have kids and that makes me sad. But what I have realized is that no one knows when their time is going to be up...only the Man above. I have decied to enjoy everyday and have a positive attitude the best I can. We had a man at our church who was an avid runner, went out one day for a jog and died, another man was a fireman, he was killed saving a family. Both of these men had small kids and beautiful wives. Even though I have to battle this, I feel lucky compared to these guys....I get a chance to tell my husband and daughter and my family and friends how much I love them everyday...
This disease absolutley sucks. But I do my part of being as healthy and happy as I can, and I turn the rest over to God. Now there are some days I wish I had his direct line to ask a few one on one questions....but he always pulls me through the tough times.
So instead of worry about what could happen, tell you family how much you love them, hug on them and live for today. I think a positive happy attitude cn take you a long way....
Okay, so much for my quick post!!!
Linda0 -
Originall a 2Bbruins1971 said:Craig
Thank you so very much for your words they have helped to get me back where my mind usually is. So I see you have been at it for 6.5 years so that means you were stage 3 and now stage 4 is that correct?
After the cancer metastasized from the rectum to the my liver, I became an automatic stage 4. Anytime, there is a metastsis, the grading automatically changes to stage 4.
It has been challenging the past 3 years to say the least. Anything I can do to help, just let me know.
-Craig0 -
Kerry!!Kerry S said:Bobby I am a lucky SOB
They told my older sister she had 6 months to live with cancer when she was in her 40s. She had 2 young daughters.
She is now like 74. I say I am lucky SOB because she is and has been my path finder.
Like you she is very religious. Me, to an extent but not so much in a normal way. I talk to my higher power in the woods here at the farm. I be the black sheep in the family.
She has harped on me for keeping a damn good attitude and to use visualization. She said she would visualize that damn chemo like it was Pac Man eating the cancer cells.
She keeps me setting reachable goals as she did. Like see her daughter graduate from high school, then collage and so on. She now has 3 grandkids. All reachable goals.
Me, I cut firewood for next year. I keep all my scans on the computer and I study the hell out of them. I visualize the damn spots gone. Damned if they just don’t go away.
Yes this is kind of a hell with what we all deal with. But damn it, deal with it. It is a mind, body, spirit game and you need to play to win. Attitude Attitude Attitude!!!!!
I have a tumor in my brain, which I was just told by telephone while typing this, that it is too damn big to cut out or use Cyberknife to make it gone. But we can use standard radiation to shrink the damn thing. If we can get it to shrink, it is game on. Give me a plan and I will kick **** with it.
My only fear now, with the radiation, is it might just take my crude, rude, tactless, socially unacceptable, but basically loveable personally away. I want to stay me.
Kerry
Never lose that crude, rude, tactless,socially unacceptable, lovable personality of yours!0 -
Attitude!lmliess said:Hello
I wish I had time to write more, I am just heading out, but I had to chime in and say your feelings are so normal. I was DX 2 years ago Dec 1, stage 4, mets to the liver. I was 38! Ate pretty healthy, worked out. Never really needed to go to the dr except for a cold here and there. After I found out I did chemo, radiation, had 2 surgeries, one was at MD Anderson where I had 80% of my liver resected, then mop up chemo. Then 9 months later I had a reoccurance in my plueral area of the lungs...so back on chemo, 11 rounds. All clear again. However, I feel better today than I have in a long time.
I have a 6 year old little girl and I get scared that I am not going to see her get married or have kids and that makes me sad. But what I have realized is that no one knows when their time is going to be up...only the Man above. I have decied to enjoy everyday and have a positive attitude the best I can. We had a man at our church who was an avid runner, went out one day for a jog and died, another man was a fireman, he was killed saving a family. Both of these men had small kids and beautiful wives. Even though I have to battle this, I feel lucky compared to these guys....I get a chance to tell my husband and daughter and my family and friends how much I love them everyday...
This disease absolutley sucks. But I do my part of being as healthy and happy as I can, and I turn the rest over to God. Now there are some days I wish I had his direct line to ask a few one on one questions....but he always pulls me through the tough times.
So instead of worry about what could happen, tell you family how much you love them, hug on them and live for today. I think a positive happy attitude cn take you a long way....
Okay, so much for my quick post!!!
Linda
Yep, yep, yep!1
What's the alternative!
Yep, yep, yep!0 -
*hugs*
Bobby,
I am so sorry you've been feeling down, but it's perfectly understandable. I was diagnosed early, so I can't give you personal statistics that are encouraging. I will just say that you have those beautiful children and your lovely wife. As much as you can, try to consciously experience every day with them. You can't possibly be upbeat all the time. That's unrealistic! You can, though, be sure that you savor each moment you can.
*hugs*
Gail0
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