i'm going to lose my mind....

cher8871

this is a long story.....

in November 2008 my hubby and i both lost our jobs in the same week! in oct 09 we lost our house and had to move in with my dad. we have a 9 yr old son...he was uprooted from everything he had ever known! in april of this year, dad was dx with NSCLC w/ mets to the brain and given a year to live. he had MANY setbacks and is just now getting chemo (avastin and alimta) for maintenance care. as luck, or the sheer grace of GOD, would have it, my hubby's grandfather bought our house back in oct 2010! i was ecstatic to say the least. what a rollercoaster ride.....

my son HATES living at my dad's house! it has effected his attitude and his grades. he's a really smart kid but is having a lot of problems with all of this. dad's house is tiny compared to ours and there is no room for his toys or his friends!

dad's cancer caused neuro damage in the brain BEFORE we knew he had cancer....his balance and vision will never be right again. the radiation nor the chemo is making a difference. the last CT scan showed no change in the lung and i should get the MRI results back sometime today. it also effects his reasoning, his attitude....everything! he's not been able to drive since his dx. my dad has worked ALL OF HIS LIFE and he's only 60! the unfairness of it really smacks me in the face sometimes. also, i am an only child and my dad is divorced. there is no one but me to do all this stuff. yes, hubby helps but the paperwork and the stress is very overwhelming at times. plus, sometimes dad is just an ****.....i have told him 8 thousand times that his treatment decisions are completely up to him but i cannot wrap my head around where he's at with it....

a few weeks ago, his sister and i decided to try and talk him into moving in with US, where he would have LOTS of room and WAY more sunshine! his house is over 100 yrs old and it's drafty and cold....and it looks EXACTLY the same as it did when i went to college...in 1989!! at first he wouldn't give me an answer, just looked at me with the "light are on, but nobody's home" look. i was so sad....he has no control over ANY aspect of his life and here i am asking him to leave his home! one of his reasons for not wanting to was that he didnt' know where anything was...this coming from someone who can get up and down on his own and go to the bathroom but nothing else. he smokes like a freight train and i feel like a short order cook...but all of that is fine. now, he's getting to where he will barely eat...one of his biggest fears is being in the hospital. i told him this morning, after he argued with me about whether it was night or day, that if he didn't start at least drinking, they would put him in the hospital due to dehydration and that the onco would NOT do his treatment. he just says he isn't hungry....

we've been working on our house! we have spent the night there a couple of times (after dad goes to bed for the night) and i feel horrible leaving him here by himself...he does not like being alone...i feel like i'm living two different lives! in one, i'm happy and hopeful for the future, especially knowing my son will be a different kid once he's back at "home". and in the other life, i'm terribly sad and pissed at cancer and love my dad dearly and could smack the daylights out of him all at the same time...

so, after all of this, i guess my question to any of you is this....is it wrong of me to want him in MY house, where I'm comfortable? he is maybe awake 3 hours out of 24 and this has been going on for months now. i try to rationalize it by saying that he'd be asleep most of the time anyway. btw...my house is 20 mins from the doc office, his is an hour. jesus, when i read this i sound like a whiny brat....i also told him that when "the" time comes, i will bring him back home to die....he did ask me yesterday where his room would be and what would i do about the steps on the porch...i told him we would build a ramp...

thanks for listening!
cheri - caregiver, mom, wife and crazy person!!

Mrsbourceforce

You should go home
Hi, my husband is 43 and has a sarcoma in his leg ( had radiation and is going in for surgery on Wed), so I'm in a completely different situation-BUT I would have to put the well being of my children first and formost. I don't think you should feel guilty about doing what is best for him! If your father was in his right mind, I hope he would want that too. It's not As if you are taking him someplace terrible! He will be in a nicer home surrounded by family.. Doesn't sound so bad to me! It's one thing if you want to sacrifice your life for him, but your son should not have to suffer so much if it can be prevented.. Especially at 9 years old. Just my opinion-I wish you and your family the best of luck!
Jeanette

webbwife50

Mrsbourceforce said:

You should go home
Hi, my husband is 43 and has a sarcoma in his leg ( had radiation and is going in for surgery on Wed), so I'm in a completely different situation-BUT I would have to put the well being of my children first and formost. I don't think you should feel guilty about doing what is best for him! If your father was in his right mind, I hope he would want that too. It's not As if you are taking him someplace terrible! He will be in a nicer home surrounded by family.. Doesn't sound so bad to me! It's one thing if you want to sacrifice your life for him, but your son should not have to suffer so much if it can be prevented.. Especially at 9 years old. Just my opinion-I wish you and your family the best of luck!
Jeanette

Hi Cheri
I think whats best for him and what he thinks he wants are two different things. Sound to me like being in your home, with family, would be the best thing for him. Maybe you could tell him you want him there for the winter, or some other temporary period, so he feels like he still has his own home, if he want to return there. God bless you...alison

Pennymac02

webbwife50 said:

Hi Cheri
I think whats best for him and what he thinks he wants are two different things. Sound to me like being in your home, with family, would be the best thing for him. Maybe you could tell him you want him there for the winter, or some other temporary period, so he feels like he still has his own home, if he want to return there. God bless you...alison

Hi Cheri
I agree with webbwife. Sometimes requests and changes are easier to make if there's a time limit on them. You know, like "If you could just help me out with this dad, until after the holidays..", he may be more willing. (You can always extend the time period after he's living with you) I understand where his fear is coming from, tho. Maybe he feels scared to be in an unfamiliar place, maybe he's frightened that he'll never be independant again, who knows. He's definately not capable of making the most rational decisions right now, and that unfortunately, make you feel like the bad guy.

I don't think you're whining at all. Youv'e been through a lot yourself. And just because you're not the one with cancer doesn't mean it doesn't affect you. My husband has primary liver cancer, and has been in and out of the hospital 5 times in the last 5 weeks. Currently, he's in the hospital. I'm working full time, and the drive to his treatments and doctors is two hours one way. Some days I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I'm learning to take time for myself through all of this, if I burn out, who will be my caregiver? Making decisions that help make your stressful life easier is nothing to feel guilty over.

Just my two cents...
Penny

cher8871

Pennymac02 said:

Hi Cheri
I agree with webbwife. Sometimes requests and changes are easier to make if there's a time limit on them. You know, like "If you could just help me out with this dad, until after the holidays..", he may be more willing. (You can always extend the time period after he's living with you) I understand where his fear is coming from, tho. Maybe he feels scared to be in an unfamiliar place, maybe he's frightened that he'll never be independant again, who knows. He's definately not capable of making the most rational decisions right now, and that unfortunately, make you feel like the bad guy.

I don't think you're whining at all. Youv'e been through a lot yourself. And just because you're not the one with cancer doesn't mean it doesn't affect you. My husband has primary liver cancer, and has been in and out of the hospital 5 times in the last 5 weeks. Currently, he's in the hospital. I'm working full time, and the drive to his treatments and doctors is two hours one way. Some days I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I'm learning to take time for myself through all of this, if I burn out, who will be my caregiver? Making decisions that help make your stressful life easier is nothing to feel guilty over.

Just my two cents...
Penny

thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!!
you guys hit the nail on the head......my thoughts have been about my little man for a while now....i've got to help him and i DO believe if dad was in his "right mind" he would jump at the chance to make things easier for dylan! lol...and thanks for NOT thinking i'm whining! this caregiver business is tough work!