How do I deal with the anger???

cahjah75

Ethelyn
Welcome to the site but I'm sorry for the reason. I was 61 when my gyn found a lump. Because of numerous shoulder surgeries I had been unable to do a proper self breast check although I had 2 drs doing exams 6 months apart. I have always had cystic and lumpy breasts and had sagged quuite a bit. I'm the 5th in my family so I was not surprised that I had bc but was surprised at the size. I had a bilateral mastectomy in June and have 1 more chemo treatment. Please don't give up. Life is too short as it is. My 6th grandchild was born 3 weeks ago and I want to be around to see many happy moments in the future. We will be with you in spirit as you have your bone scan on Monday. My onc told me since my PET scan did not show anything out of the ordinary that I don't need a bone scan at this time. I do also suffer from osteoarthritis and have lumbar spinal stenosis. I have found that keeping a journal of my bc journey has helped put my thoughts to paper. Keep a positive attitude and try not to be afraid of the unknown.
{{hugs}} Char

crselby

how to deal with the anger?
You have received the best advice I could think of (and lots that I didn't think of) in the prior posts, Ethelyn. My first and strongest reaction was ANGER. My poor husband regretted asking how I felt because he thought I was angry at him. It was hard to explain that I was angry at being betrayed. By what I wasn't sure.

I too found a binder helpful and found that advice in one of the many books I devoured in the first 2 weeks after diagnosis. It gives one a feeling of control to organize your reports, consultation notes, pathologies, insurance papers, etc. There is lots of advice on the internet but I found nothing as helpful as the books were, and found some sites that were nothing but rantings by nutty people, so I began to stick to just the national type of breast cancer websites.

The day after I was told, I did something I rarely do to take my mind off the screaming voices in my head. I went shopping. But in the parking lot I began to cry. Being ever the intellectual, I asked myself what was behind the crying, which was playing right along with the anger feelings. It didn't take too many deep breaths for the answer to come: I was scared. And I wallowed in that a while and allowed my self to feel that. Since my mantra is "There are really only two emotions in the universe, love and fear. What is not Fear is Love", I believe we have a choice to direct our emotions one way or the other. So I chose to love myself more than fear the cancer and treatments. That meant telling my family what was going on in my head (not a common way to act in our family), to accept help from friends, to be gentle with my newly scarred breast, and to know that whatever I was feeling at any one moment was OKAY! Noticing and speaking about how grateful I was even for small things made me feel happier.

Don't know if any of this helps. You just get a lot of answers on these boards and pick what seems right for you! My best wishes to you on this journey.
~~Connie~~

Annette 11

It's tough but:
Ethelyn, It is so tough to hear those words from our doctors "you have cancer" Never did I ever think I would get BC as I also ate so healthy,never smoked, don't drink wine or anything, but I did get BC. My husband and I were watching a film in the BC surgeons office and feeling so overwelmed by all that laid before me and thought I have to do this (bitlatteral mastectomy)and I can't say no, I can't get out of this. What am I going to do? At least a bad dream you wake up and realize it's just a dream but this is real. Oh, it was an awful feeling, like I never had before. I thought, can I do this? How can I get through this? Then came one test, then another and another after that. My husband and my faith in God got me through this. Prayer gave me peace and a calmness. Oh there were a few times that I broke down over something small...I just started to cry. It just gets to be too much at times.
Try not to lash out at the people that love you...they are not doubt worried too.
Monday is the day of your scan...I'm sure it is a very tense day. I'm just out of chemo so I haven't had a scan yet. I'm sure I will be VERY nervous also.
Prayers go out to you from all of your sisters here.
Hugs,
Annette

Ethelyn

Annette 11 said:

It's tough but:
Ethelyn, It is so tough to hear those words from our doctors "you have cancer" Never did I ever think I would get BC as I also ate so healthy,never smoked, don't drink wine or anything, but I did get BC. My husband and I were watching a film in the BC surgeons office and feeling so overwelmed by all that laid before me and thought I have to do this (bitlatteral mastectomy)and I can't say no, I can't get out of this. What am I going to do? At least a bad dream you wake up and realize it's just a dream but this is real. Oh, it was an awful feeling, like I never had before. I thought, can I do this? How can I get through this? Then came one test, then another and another after that. My husband and my faith in God got me through this. Prayer gave me peace and a calmness. Oh there were a few times that I broke down over something small...I just started to cry. It just gets to be too much at times.
Try not to lash out at the people that love you...they are not doubt worried too.
Monday is the day of your scan...I'm sure it is a very tense day. I'm just out of chemo so I haven't had a scan yet. I'm sure I will be VERY nervous also.
Prayers go out to you from all of your sisters here.
Hugs,
Annette

Thank you to everyone for all the kind words
You are all such loving, caring people, and your advice has been very helpful to me. I had a good cry last night, told myself it was okay to let go and that I couldn't always be in control. I have apologized to my family and have tried to help them understand how I feel. You are all such brave women and have faced this Dx with a positive outlook and the will to survive. I only hope that I can do the same. There were so many helpful suggestions and I am going to try them all. My daughter will be with me when I go for my scans and see the surgeon again tomorrow. I am hoping it all goes well, but only time will tell. Until then, I will try to accept what is and fight for my life as I am worth it. Thank you all for your prayers and good wishes--You are a very remarkable group of women --Hugs to you all, Ethelyn

Ethelyn

Annette 11 said:

It's tough but:
Ethelyn, It is so tough to hear those words from our doctors "you have cancer" Never did I ever think I would get BC as I also ate so healthy,never smoked, don't drink wine or anything, but I did get BC. My husband and I were watching a film in the BC surgeons office and feeling so overwelmed by all that laid before me and thought I have to do this (bitlatteral mastectomy)and I can't say no, I can't get out of this. What am I going to do? At least a bad dream you wake up and realize it's just a dream but this is real. Oh, it was an awful feeling, like I never had before. I thought, can I do this? How can I get through this? Then came one test, then another and another after that. My husband and my faith in God got me through this. Prayer gave me peace and a calmness. Oh there were a few times that I broke down over something small...I just started to cry. It just gets to be too much at times.
Try not to lash out at the people that love you...they are not doubt worried too.
Monday is the day of your scan...I'm sure it is a very tense day. I'm just out of chemo so I haven't had a scan yet. I'm sure I will be VERY nervous also.
Prayers go out to you from all of your sisters here.
Hugs,
Annette

Thank you to everyone for all the kind words
You are all such loving, caring people, and your advice has been very helpful to me. I had a good cry last night, told myself it was okay to let go and that I couldn't always be in control. I have apologized to my family and have tried to help them understand how I feel. You are all such brave women and have faced this Dx with a positive outlook and the will to survive. I only hope that I can do the same. There were so many helpful suggestions and I am going to try them all. My daughter will be with me when I go for my scans and see the surgeon again tomorrow. I am hoping it all goes well, but only time will tell. Until then, I will try to accept what is and fight for my life as I am worth it. Thank you all for your prayers and good wishes--You are a very remarkable group of women --Hugs to you all, Ethelyn

disneyfan2008

so sorry you are going
so sorry you are going through all this...I was just under 50 when I had breast cancer-I was very nervous prior to the surgery..after that was ok...only radiation for me..I just try to think of the good things...I tell my adult girls all the time LIFE is not fair...it's just life...

I hope you can get over this-check with therapist-I think it's agreat help. I kept 2 journals which was big big help. good luck

KathiM

Young??? I'm 55....ROFL!
49 at dx....

And, breast was my second cancer, in 6 months! I was told I had 6 months to live, 6 years ago!!!!

You have already gotten great advice...I knew you would! The sisters here are smart cookies!

I got mad, too. But, most of the time, at cancer...although, I sat all of my family down (well, the ones that were involved), and said "I apologize ahead of time. This is very scary for me, and means my life is changing. I love all of you. But there may be days that it doesn't much sound that way. Please understand."

Oh, and found something each and every day (some days it was tough) to laugh about. I just felt like the 37% survival for my first cancer, rectal, included ME! And the 97% for the breast, as well. (yes, Virginia, I'm a 'glass half full' sort of gal...ROFLMAO!)

Hugs, Kathi

disneyfan2008

KathiM said:

Young??? I'm 55....ROFL!
49 at dx....

And, breast was my second cancer, in 6 months! I was told I had 6 months to live, 6 years ago!!!!

You have already gotten great advice...I knew you would! The sisters here are smart cookies!

I got mad, too. But, most of the time, at cancer...although, I sat all of my family down (well, the ones that were involved), and said "I apologize ahead of time. This is very scary for me, and means my life is changing. I love all of you. But there may be days that it doesn't much sound that way. Please understand."

Oh, and found something each and every day (some days it was tough) to laugh about. I just felt like the 37% survival for my first cancer, rectal, included ME! And the 97% for the breast, as well. (yes, Virginia, I'm a 'glass half full' sort of gal...ROFLMAO!)

Hugs, Kathi

nice story
Happy for you...sound like TV commericial I hear all the time...First Dr said go home and get affairs in order...went to cancer center and doing well YEARS later...

inkblot

Ethelyn said:

thanks Jan
The words of encouragement have meant more than I can say. It is after midnight and I am still not able to sleep ; however, knowing there are others out there dealing with this disease with dignity and grace, gives me hope. I know I have a long way to go to acceptance--I used to teach a unit on Death and Dying. Strange that I never thought it would be me~ I will try to help my family to understand what this is like for me. Thank you for your good wishes, I really appreciate it.

Ethelyn,
Feeling angry, for
Ethelyn,

Feeling angry, for many of us, is practically a required part of the process. It's ok. And as someone else suggested, just explain your situation to those you love and they will cope and surely offer understanding. Know that this too shall pass! It really will and you'll likely move on to another stage of working out the myriad emotions a cancer dx brings. It's all part of the healing process. We can't get from here to there, without allowing ourselves to feel and express our emotions. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

You WILL get past this and you WILL heal emotionally. Let's face the facts. A cancer dx, not to mention the often rigorous treatment, is one traumatizing experience. Our emotions are assaulted in many ways and of course, caught in the throes of getting 2nd ops and planning treatment and getting educated, we're unable to deal with all those emotions at the time. It's a very difficult experience. A mean, rough ride which we've no choice but to take. We must make decisions, we must address the higher priorities first. There's often scarcely time to cry. This whirlwind naturally leaves most of us unable to really deal with our emotional trauma, until after treatment ends. At which fine moment, we've often got the added bonus of feeling left adrift, not seeing our docs so regularly anymore and still laboring underneath all the emotional upset of the entire process. We often emerge scared and we're hurt and we're good and angry about it sometimes. We emerge from tx with many questions. Sometimes more than we had at the outset. It's a lot. Guess they don't call us "warriors" for nothing, huh? LOL

You too are a warrior, albeit an angry one right now. Just remember to fight just as hard for your emotional well being and regaining balance, as you fought to heal the cancer. Angry is normal and it's ok. Work through it. Acknowledge it and manage it. Realize that it's just as important to address our emotional injuries as it is to address our physical ones.

Professional help can often help us to find perspective and to begin our healing journey. Local support groups are very helpful for others. Find and do whatever works best for you. We are each unique and we are each beautiful. Remember that. Love yourself every day. Learn to be kind to yourself. As women we are often natural "nurturers" to everyone under the sun, but not very good at nurturing ourselves. Don't be afraid to nurture YOU, as well. Learn to step into a nice bubbly bath and just relax and enjoy it. Not because you need a bath, but because it's a nice treat. Think of the many things you may enjoy doing. A new hobby. A new book of your favorite genre. Just simple, relaxing/soothing things and then do them. Period. As you begin to be kinder to yourself, you'll likely also begin to have kinder thoughts and kinder actions/words for others as well. NOURISH your spirit. Let it breathe again. Allow it a few moments of not being knotted in fear. Allow yourself to begin to untangle. Try it on for size and see how it works for you. If it doesn't then throw it out and try something different. Find your best methods. The most important thing is to just start working on the issues and concerns. You'll get there. I've no doubts at all!

Remember that what may appear to be dignity and grace, sometimes is little more than raw courage at work...disguised as having a clue. LOL I personally believe the grace arrives much later, while the dignity is there at the outset. Believe in yourself because you're going to get through the emotional journey just fine...

Warm hugs coming your way...

Love, light & laughter,
Ink

disneyfan2008

awhile since your first post
been thinking of you..hope things are a bit better...