Eating Part 3 (I lost the middle part)
Vexing, perplexing, and, especially for others, frustrating as hell.
For the wife, in particular. My son would throw together some cheesy thing with tomatoes and green peppers and chopped burger, and I would manage to gobble it up. My wife would consume an evening making some sort of elaborate thing for me with the same ingredients, and I would toss it aside. I must say that timing was critical. It was. If I was starving, as I often was when Ry was cooking, it seemed I could eat anything. On the other hand, to take nothing from Corrine, in all of her trying she may have tried too hard. For a time.
Any way, I finally got around to eating some things that others eat. Mostly it was processed foods. I could fairly easily get through a fish samdwich from burger doodle or Ahab's Leg. Whatever. Somehow, that stuff that was both easy and tasty. On top of that, it was brewing success. To read about how processed food is bad for you (in CSN) made me laugh. All I could think was that it was keeping me alive...and others seem to agree.
My major problems were still that I could not really eat meat and that it was taking me forever to eat. That second one is more important than you might realize. Everyone else is done, or on the dessert, or drinking a coffee, or wandering off, and you are still trying to get through your green bean casserole. It's big. It's huge. Speed matters.
Okay, I had other ones: I still couldn't eat most crap.
And eating at a restaurant was pretty much out of the question. The food is not prepared right for me, the portions are too large, I take too long, you get the drill.
So, I went to a restaurant. I had been to a restaurant before, a Mexican restaurant, which is how I learned all of the above, of course, but the wife and I and son went to a little Italian place,, 10, 12 tables, maybe, and none of them filled but ours, I think. I ordered the soup, which seemed safe, and ordered oysters for the table, which also seemed safe, which I knew my wife and son would vacuum them if I didn't get to at least one before they were done.
I got to two. At least. I ate oysters. You know the texture, boys and girls. Not doable. But (given they were baked, I admit), I took down several and ordered more. Ate all of my soup ( a wonderful veg soup, by the way).
Ate some of their stuff even.
I didn't know then, a couple of months ago, that something was happening.
No dilation since first of year, I think. Nothing happening to make me more improved as it were. In fact, I'll be honest, skipped last ENT Man appt, skipped last CT scan, skipped last OncoMan appt. Not discouragement, but just a certain sort of realization, resignation.
In any event, the night at Il Ristorante, or whatever, did not blow me away. I was happy to have gone on, I was happy to have eaten in public, I was happy to have eaten!
But I was not blown away.
No, while that probably got me moving forward, what blew me away was a little 3x3 piece of prime rib in a styrofoam box in my fridge one day a couple of months ago, a remnant of my wife's previous evening at a women's business dinner.
My wife brings me home good stuff. Most of it is dessert stuff. Dessert stuff is easier to eat. Dessert and, now, fish. So that is what she brings home typically, and, honestly, that is what her friends make for dinners at our house...they all, after all, want me to love them
They succeed.
But there was the prime beef, and I had not eaten steak in more than five years. Really. That is a long time for an omnivore, I tell you. I would say, even, that I had not really eaten meat... some of those little weiners, if you want to count them, some chicken salad, and who would count that? That's about it.
So I nibbled on this cold prime rib, and it went down, so I cooked the rest of that little 3x3 in butter and onions and ate it like there would be no tomorrow.
PETA people, please turn away: I had a meat orgasm!
Seriously...ever since, things have upscaled. I am eating everything, and anticpate the first Thanksgiving since 04 when I am actually not a figurehead at the table!
I have been eating shrimp of all things, lots of shrimp, and veg soup that is huge in carrots and potatoes and such. Meatloaf (used to hate it). Seems like everything I try I can do. I can DO. Wow. (Haven't tried bread
).Something has happend. I don't know what. As I said earlier, I can't figure this stuff out. My suspicion is that following the first two dilations my throat has 'evolved'. That is completely unscientific. But it is all I can figure.
So I have called my docs. New appointments, plans for one more dilation (what the heck?), and we'll see where we go from here. If they tell me I'm dying of lung cancer, I honestly won't be surprised, and I don't say that to be dramatic. It is what it is. But either way, I didn't want to see them to hear that sort of news, and if I do, well, I will at least be eating better going into the last round.
And, if I DON'T have some more of the nasty stuff...party's at my house... I'll send the date and time
Comments
-
Absolutely Magnificent
Very good to hear your news. This is fantastic. It also makes me think that my steak and horseradish daydream will be reality. I mean, if you can make so much progress, I should be able to eat a sand sandwich with no mayo soon. Not complaining (much) - at this stage, I can eat enough food to have to watch what I eat so I don't gain weight.
I'm with you on frustrating times in restaurants - I can eat most things, but my family members get antsy waiting for me to just give up, and get my carry out box. The friends I have that I still eat out with are more patient (or pretend to be so).
I guess it's time for you to hit some buffets now. Live it up.0 -
I've got my party hat on...
I've got my party hat on and am just waiting for the date and time You will do well at all your doctors appointments, you have to because I said so!!!
I have always enjoyed your posts and read them while I drink my morning coffee. This morning I had a triple treat and was able to enjoy 2 cups of coffe while reading all 3 of your posts. As usual they made me smile and I still marvel at all you have been through but still maintain that wonderful sense of humor.
In May of '09 I was a frightened newbie who thought she only had months to live. Then along came Joe, you were one of the first to respond to my posts on the Lung Cancer Forum. You calmed my fears and made me smile with each response. I will forever be thankful to you for your friendship and your guidance. Now, 18 months later, I am still here. Older and a lot wiser thanks to you and so many other caring people on CSN. I don't want to sound like I am dismissing the great advice and encouragement I have received from the many friends I have made here, BUT you were my first (Please don't tell Corinne as she may not understand
Now, get your butt to all your doctor appointments and NO excuses!! No cancelling, no going home because you can't find a good parking spot and no walking out of the waiting room because you had to wait for more than 5 minutes. Yes Joe, I remember ALL the excuses you have used in the past
We will all wear our party hats and order Prime Rib to celebrate your good news!!!
Your number one fan,
Glenna0 -
Love your post Joe!Glenna M said:I've got my party hat on...
I've got my party hat on and am just waiting for the date and time You will do well at all your doctors appointments, you have to because I said so!!!
I have always enjoyed your posts and read them while I drink my morning coffee. This morning I had a triple treat and was able to enjoy 2 cups of coffe while reading all 3 of your posts. As usual they made me smile and I still marvel at all you have been through but still maintain that wonderful sense of humor.
In May of '09 I was a frightened newbie who thought she only had months to live. Then along came Joe, you were one of the first to respond to my posts on the Lung Cancer Forum. You calmed my fears and made me smile with each response. I will forever be thankful to you for your friendship and your guidance. Now, 18 months later, I am still here. Older and a lot wiser thanks to you and so many other caring people on CSN. I don't want to sound like I am dismissing the great advice and encouragement I have received from the many friends I have made here, BUT you were my first (Please don't tell Corinne as she may not understand
Now, get your butt to all your doctor appointments and NO excuses!! No cancelling, no going home because you can't find a good parking spot and no walking out of the waiting room because you had to wait for more than 5 minutes. Yes Joe, I remember ALL the excuses you have used in the past
We will all wear our party hats and order Prime Rib to celebrate your good news!!!
Your number one fan,
Glenna
You should write a book Joe! Seriously I mean it! After reading your post you are perfectly describing how so many other's feel about food & eating. I am not really great at putting thing's down on paper & appreciate it when other's can.I got exhausted with
trying to figure out why some food work's one day & why the next it is thrown in the garbage lol. Now I have totally given up on thinking about it as I find it is both exhausting & depressing.
I simply wished to Thank you Joe! You made my day. Now get your butt to the Dr's & don't miss anymore appointment's. I have a feeling that you will be with us for along time.
Roz0 -
Hi Joe! So glad to see your
Hi Joe! So glad to see your post! You write so eloquently, and mirror what we warriors are going through. I will be praying for you, as you have come so far.
As far as dying? We are all dying - from the day we are born.Hee hee!
God doesn't want you yet, He needs you here. Your work is not done yet!
Anyway, I am ready for the party, and awaiting the date and time! We can all "graze" together, with no time restraint! Now THAT's a party!
Good luck with your appointments! Prayers Always, Patty0 -
carry outPam M said:Absolutely Magnificent
Very good to hear your news. This is fantastic. It also makes me think that my steak and horseradish daydream will be reality. I mean, if you can make so much progress, I should be able to eat a sand sandwich with no mayo soon. Not complaining (much) - at this stage, I can eat enough food to have to watch what I eat so I don't gain weight.
I'm with you on frustrating times in restaurants - I can eat most things, but my family members get antsy waiting for me to just give up, and get my carry out box. The friends I have that I still eat out with are more patient (or pretend to be so).
I guess it's time for you to hit some buffets now. Live it up.
The carry-out box! I forgot the carry-out box!
Yes! We live for the carry-out box!
It gets better, my sweet friend, it really does.
Be good to yourself. It sounds like you have good friends.
As for the buffet... that's still funny.
Take care,
Joe0 -
All I can say isGlenna M said:I've got my party hat on...
I've got my party hat on and am just waiting for the date and time You will do well at all your doctors appointments, you have to because I said so!!!
I have always enjoyed your posts and read them while I drink my morning coffee. This morning I had a triple treat and was able to enjoy 2 cups of coffe while reading all 3 of your posts. As usual they made me smile and I still marvel at all you have been through but still maintain that wonderful sense of humor.
In May of '09 I was a frightened newbie who thought she only had months to live. Then along came Joe, you were one of the first to respond to my posts on the Lung Cancer Forum. You calmed my fears and made me smile with each response. I will forever be thankful to you for your friendship and your guidance. Now, 18 months later, I am still here. Older and a lot wiser thanks to you and so many other caring people on CSN. I don't want to sound like I am dismissing the great advice and encouragement I have received from the many friends I have made here, BUT you were my first (Please don't tell Corinne as she may not understand
Now, get your butt to all your doctor appointments and NO excuses!! No cancelling, no going home because you can't find a good parking spot and no walking out of the waiting room because you had to wait for more than 5 minutes. Yes Joe, I remember ALL the excuses you have used in the past
We will all wear our party hats and order Prime Rib to celebrate your good news!!!
Your number one fan,
Glenna
Thank you Glenna, for those most kind words.
I'm going to shut up now (and for once).
Take care, my friend,
Joe0 -
No time?pattyanny said:Hi Joe! So glad to see your
Hi Joe! So glad to see your post! You write so eloquently, and mirror what we warriors are going through. I will be praying for you, as you have come so far.
As far as dying? We are all dying - from the day we are born.Hee hee!
God doesn't want you yet, He needs you here. Your work is not done yet!
Anyway, I am ready for the party, and awaiting the date and time! We can all "graze" together, with no time restraint! Now THAT's a party!
Good luck with your appointments! Prayers Always, Patty
No time restraint...that is an interesting proposition, my friend!
Thanks, Patty.
Take care,
Joe0 -
bookrozaroo said:Love your post Joe!
You should write a book Joe! Seriously I mean it! After reading your post you are perfectly describing how so many other's feel about food & eating. I am not really great at putting thing's down on paper & appreciate it when other's can.I got exhausted with
trying to figure out why some food work's one day & why the next it is thrown in the garbage lol. Now I have totally given up on thinking about it as I find it is both exhausting & depressing.
I simply wished to Thank you Joe! You made my day. Now get your butt to the Dr's & don't miss anymore appointment's. I have a feeling that you will be with us for along time.
Roz
Thank you for the kind words, Roz. It sometimes feels that the head/neck discussion board has outgrown me, but I felt compelled to include these little episodic things about eating of late, and I am glad you found them on target.
I am hopeful that you are doing well.
Take care,
Joe0 -
D Lewis said:
Party Party Party!
Thanks for the eloquently written article. You speak for us all. Sign me up for the party.
Deb
Thank you, Deb. You are officially on the guest list.
Take care,
Joe0 -
!Skiffin16 said:WooHoo
Stay Hungry My Friend......
Best,
John
Well said, my friend. And I do, more often than not
Take care,
Joe0 -
I WANT A MEAT ORGASAM!soccerfreaks said:
Thank you, Deb. You are officially on the guest list.
Take care,
Joe
I WANT A MEAT ORGASAM!
Seriously. Want. One. I'm glad I still have a fighting chance at one some day. Thanks for expressing everything that I have gone thru trying to eat, but can't so eloquently express. I pretty much just cook for myself and I miss eating with my family. I have had a major break thru last three months, thank God. Hoping it will continue to get better! 0 -
Keep eating!soccerfreaks said:
Thank you, Deb. You are officially on the guest list.
Take care,
Joe
Joe,
I was so happy to read that you can now eat!! This is great and I hope things keep getting better for you every day. You've been through alot and yet you can still write these great posts.
When I feel depressed, and I read your posts and see you're doing great, it brings a smile to my face.
This will be the first thanksgiving & Christmas without my husband. It's going to be very hard to get through these holidays. The other day I was in a store and a christmas carol started playing and the tears rolled down my cheeks & I had to leave. It's not fair that someone so good was taken from me so soon when we were just going to be able to start enjoying his retirement which of course never came.
Well, don't want to get you depressed!! Let the party begin!!! "Carole"0 -
Hi Joe
I enjoyed reading your post, Good luck on your neck dilation I hope it works for you and hope you stay clean of that nasty stuff for years to come. I have not been able to have neck dilation because of the Jaw problem not opining but I am working on that every day.
Take care0 -
Meat orgasmsweetblood22 said:I WANT A MEAT ORGASAM!
I WANT A MEAT ORGASAM! Seriously. Want. One. I'm glad I still have a fighting chance at one some day. Thanks for expressing everything that I have gone thru trying to eat, but can't so eloquently express. I pretty much just cook for myself and I miss eating with my family. I have had a major break thru last three months, thank God. Hoping it will continue to get better!
Yeah, it's awesome sweet.
You will get there. Trust me, you will get there. As mentioned, patience is a virtue.
I wish you the best, and having followed your entries, know that you will get there.
Take care,
Joe0 -
Have yourself a merry little Christmas3Mana said:Keep eating!
Joe,
I was so happy to read that you can now eat!! This is great and I hope things keep getting better for you every day. You've been through alot and yet you can still write these great posts.
When I feel depressed, and I read your posts and see you're doing great, it brings a smile to my face.
This will be the first thanksgiving & Christmas without my husband. It's going to be very hard to get through these holidays. The other day I was in a store and a christmas carol started playing and the tears rolled down my cheeks & I had to leave. It's not fair that someone so good was taken from me so soon when we were just going to be able to start enjoying his retirement which of course never came.
Well, don't want to get you depressed!! Let the party begin!!! "Carole"
I've said forever, rather that it be me than any caregiver. The absence of your loved one has GOT to be powerful stuff. There are no words for it. It is as simple as that: there are no words for it.
I hope that you can remember hub in this coming season with all of the good memories you shared over the years, I hope, sincerely, that you can turn your tears into smiles.
It is probably too early for that, I suspect.
I hope you are, at the very least, surrounded by those who love you, my friend.
Take care and thanks for the kind words,
Joe0 -
Thank you, sirHondo said:Hi Joe
I enjoyed reading your post, Good luck on your neck dilation I hope it works for you and hope you stay clean of that nasty stuff for years to come. I have not been able to have neck dilation because of the Jaw problem not opining but I am working on that every day.
Take care
Best wishes with your jaw issues, hondo. I hope it all works out for you. It seems we all have issues, and we have to wade through them one way or the other. You, and your doctors, will figure out a way through this one. You are here, you are fighting, you will figure it out, you will get past it.
Thanks for the kind thoughts, the kind words. I am moving on, as you are too. We will get it done.
Take care,
Joe0 -
Very happy to read aboutsoccerfreaks said:Thank you, sir
Best wishes with your jaw issues, hondo. I hope it all works out for you. It seems we all have issues, and we have to wade through them one way or the other. You, and your doctors, will figure out a way through this one. You are here, you are fighting, you will figure it out, you will get past it.
Thanks for the kind thoughts, the kind words. I am moving on, as you are too. We will get it done.
Take care,
Joe
Very happy to read about being able to eat again. My last steak was in 1998 and I have just about given up that thought. I just am happy to still be here.
If you ever find out how it happened, please pass it on. When I am on the forum, I enjoy reading your postings.0 -
USAF vetHAWVET said:Very happy to read about
Very happy to read about being able to eat again. My last steak was in 1998 and I have just about given up that thought. I just am happy to still be here.
If you ever find out how it happened, please pass it on. When I am on the forum, I enjoy reading your postings.
Thanks, dude, I enjoy your posts as well.
If I had a secret remedy I would pass it on, but I don't. Actually, until your post, I was beginning to think I was the only person not really eating meat. I can't say I'm glad to learn that I am not alone, of course. But I am glad to say that I am not among the non-meat-eaters now
Live well, my friend, and continue to post your most intelligent posts. Everyone learns from them.
Take care,
Joe (I would say sempre fi, but i'm an old usaf dude, you know, and it wouldn't be right) 0
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