1 month after chemo & i'm supposed to bounce right back.....

mariam_11_09

I really hear what you are


I really hear what you are saying and understand the situation. There are always two sides to the story and perhaps if you and your husband can sit down and make a list of all the things that 'need' or 'have' to be done for him and you and decide which ones are a priority and who can do those ones and when.

I get that you want a relatively clean house particularly since you won't feel up for it after your surgery but in the grand scheme of life, the universe and everything just how important is it? More so than the physical and emotional well-being of yourself, your husband and your family? Perhaps letting go of some of the household chores, even if you husband doesn't do them might make it much less stressful on you.

Chemo creates a distortion in your brain. I swear sometimes I felt like I had been abducted while I stressed and bent myself out of shape over small things that really didn't matter. I learnt, those small things really don't matter unless it becomes a health hazard then it does matter. If anyone said anything about the state of my apartment (I am a single mom and worked fulltime all though chemo and rads) then I asked if they would like to help me clean, get my laundary done and do a grocery shop for me. They either did help or shutup and never said a word again.

You have been through a great deal and while your husband has not had cancer he has also gone through quite a bit. He might be wanting a bit of break as well since he has helped out quite a bit during your treatment and that is not to dismiss or invalidate what you are going through and need in this moment.

I hope things work out! Take care.

cahjah75

Heatherbelle said:

Ahh thank you all for your
Ahh thank you all for your comforting words. Normally I dont tackle this much housework at once, but I told him last week that I wanted to have the laundry all done and the bare bones cleaning done (toilet, sinks, counter tops cleaned) because I know after my surgery I really won't be up to doing anything. So he even KNEW i wanted to pick up around the house, that it was important to me to get it done before tuesday, and still had to be a turd about it.
Yes, i know he is stressed too, both by my fight with cancer, his having to do extra, money, and running his shop. But i feel his stress has turned on me & he resents me. They have counseling available at the cancer center where my Onc is. I think I'll be making an appointment with them for both of us next week.
Night everyone!
*hugs*
Heather

Heather
You are in my thoughts and prayers as I realize today is the day for your exchange surgery. Hope all went well.

My hubby & I are empty nesters and he overcooked my scrambled eggs on Sunday and when I made a comment he said he wasn't cooking for me any more. We've had a lot going on the past few weeks. Tempers get short and money definitely puts a stress on relationships. I have been sleeping hours on end - I don't know how you manage 2 young girls and cleaning. I don't have the energy for anything. Hoping things improve.........
{{gentle hugs}} Char

tgrontkowski

Heatherbelle said:

THANK YOU!!!
You're all so awesome I am feeling better, emotionally, now, but physically, I woke up with a sore throat this morning, and now I've lost my voice!! Let's see if I can remember some of the questions some of you asked me in your posts.
My husband is a great guy - he really doesn't handle stress well. I'm the calm, collected one and he doesn't know how to deal with stressful situations & gets frustrated at things in life that he can't fix. Also, I do have alone time during the week, my 9 yr old is in school from 8:30-2:30, and the baby goes to daycare Tuesdays-Fridays. Some of you must be reading my mind (sneaky sneaky!) because I've been thinking about us getting away for an evening -i don't think financially that's in the cards but I'm going to see if Grandma (Tim's mom, not mine -although she'd take the girls overnight if she could!) would take them both overnight one of these upcoming weekends. Actually-im going to see if she can take them thanksgiving night & maybe the next - our money is really tight & each year I usually do some "Black Friday" shopping at Toys r Us & Walmart - I bet Tim & I could go out & make a fun time out of it!
I admit I was a bit overboard with the housework this weekend - only because of my surgery coming up on Tuesday, I know I won't be able to do much (not for 10 days my plastic surgeon said) - so i wanted to get laundry caught up, basics cleaned up around the house. My husband & my oldest daughter made out a list this afternoon & divided jobs up & they did alot of cleaning. I did look up Cleaning for a Reason a while back, but they don't have any services that participate in my area.
I did sound pretty negative in my posts, I'm overwhelmed with everything cancer has thrown at me, and feeling sick all day too doesn't help any. I'm also dealing with depression & trying to keep that at bay. I know it's because of my situation & that it will get better. Having all this pain from my expanders & being SO filled doesn't help, either.
I feel all your hugs & am grateful to have you all in my life. I haven't really talked to my friends here about my crappy weekend - they would not understand like you all do.
*hugs hugs*
Heather

Wow, reading all this
Wow, reading all this really make me feel like I am not doing the right thing. I am sorry for making you feel like I have abandoned you. I try my hardest everyday to do the best I can. I never thought it would be easy and have struggled with the stress & challenges that have come our way. There is no manual or answers for us to deal with everything this cancer has put in our path. I can only say that I am trying my hardest. Even as I read through these messages. Being a single income family, self-employed, 2 kids age 9&2 is a very difficult thing support.. I know you are not 100% You know I know that. I have been there for every oncology appointment, blood draw, surgery, chemo treatment, plastic surgery visit, which I felt i needed to be there. I didnt want to be the guy who let his wife deal with it alone. In that time i neglected my business because I wanted to be there for you as this cancer is not just yours but our cancer. I know it is not your fault this happened nor do I resent you for this happening. MY only reason I can think of that I have steared my attention back to the business as i have missed hundreds of hours that I dont regret missing, but I know what I have to do to get our finances back in line before it is to late. Yes that may meen that i have to work extended hours, which I know is hard on you, but I am afraid that if I dont turn this finacial problem around, that we could loose everything we have built in the last 11 years. The house chores are an issue, & we have talked about the time management that can help with this as well as deligation of chores that Camryn can help with. I dont look for a reason to get to the shop, I need to focus on the shop. I am stressed for sure. I think that comes with the territory. What I dont want is for you to lose faith in me. My frustrations are my responsibility as the family provider. I accept that. I just want what is best for our future. I hear what your saying and will try to work on that. However, we both need to find a way to deal with the cards that have been delt. I know we need to seek more counciling for sure. I hope that we can someday put these hard times behind us an work together on building a stonger relationship, and sharing the same goals in life. We have 2 great kids, a nice home, nice cars, hot tub, a growing business,we have traveled to Cancun 4-5 times, Jamaica, Disneyland, Hollywood, Vegas, these things are all nice and maybe material things, but we have shared more memories with all these things more than most people share in a lifetime. That being said I would take it all back if I could just have you be happy with me. knowing that i am not trying to buy our relationship but to be able to but to let us live a more stable life & seeing and sharing all the memories we have created. I am sorry if I have hurt you. Lets keep working on us. I will work on my faults, I dont want you or the ones reading these messages think that i am the bad guy. I love you and always will. If i get frustrated sometimes,,,, It's not that i am mad. I just want some structure back in our life. I know it will happen. I will try to be more understanding of your conerns.