Survivor "Guilt"

Curlz

Not sure what else to call it, so for the time being, there it is. I'm only 6.5 months post-surg (8.5 post-diagnosis), and I was lucky. I know that. Due to family history, I was sure I was BRCA+ and decided immediately I would have a bilateral mastectomy. Agonizing wait for test results, and I'm BRCA-. Total game changer. Now I've had a lumpectomy, 2 negative nodes removed, and 33 radiation treatments. My Oncotype Dx score was low, so I made an educated decision not to have chemo.

I'm certainly a breast ca survivor--no question in my mind about that--but when I'm sore (b/c I'm overdoing things now that I feel like ME again) or when I'm annoyed by the crampy feet (thank you, Tamoxifen), I feel like a big baby for complaining--because I know how lucky I am and how bad so many others have it. My (awesome) therapist was mockingly hitting himself over the head saying "Oh, wait...let me get the judgement hammer out..." And then he set me straight, saying "Um--you had 'the big C,right?' Then why don't you want to call your doctor when you're worried about something?" And of course he's right.

I can't be the only one. Fess up, please! How do you deal with this? Is it just about more time passing?
Curlz

cindycflynn

I know what you mean
I also feel that I was very lucky to have gotten off "easy". I had a lumpectomy, and although I did opt for chemo, I tolerated it about as well as you could hope to and I'm now feeling almost like a "normal" person again (If I ever was that to begin with!). And I do feel guilty sometimes if I complain (even if it's just to myself) about having to take pills twice a day now or the stiffness I feel in my feet when I get out of bed in the mornings. I do feel like I've aged quite a bit in the past year, but at the same time I feel incredibly fortunate to have gotten off as easily as I did.

I remember reading a post from someone shortly after I joined these boards who said that she felt like a "cancer fraud" because she didn't have to do chemo, so I know we're not alone in feeling this way, but I think your therapist was right also.

You ARE part of the club that nobody wants to belong to - YEA!!!! ;-)

KayNYC

cindycflynn said:

I know what you mean
I also feel that I was very lucky to have gotten off "easy". I had a lumpectomy, and although I did opt for chemo, I tolerated it about as well as you could hope to and I'm now feeling almost like a "normal" person again (If I ever was that to begin with!). And I do feel guilty sometimes if I complain (even if it's just to myself) about having to take pills twice a day now or the stiffness I feel in my feet when I get out of bed in the mornings. I do feel like I've aged quite a bit in the past year, but at the same time I feel incredibly fortunate to have gotten off as easily as I did.

I remember reading a post from someone shortly after I joined these boards who said that she felt like a "cancer fraud" because she didn't have to do chemo, so I know we're not alone in feeling this way, but I think your therapist was right also.

You ARE part of the club that nobody wants to belong to - YEA!!!! ;-)

a member of the club
Guess that makes me a eligible for the club that no one wants to be in. I was also very lucky. I had a lumpectomy, no positive nodes and did not need chemo. I did complete radiation treatment and I am taking Armidex for the next 4 years 7 mos. I also have a bothersome reminder of the experience: lymphedema.When others ask, "did you have chemo?" and I say no, I sometimes get the feeling that there is judgement that my Cancer doesn't quite make it as "real or serious."
I consider myself a survivor and an extremely lucky one at that.All of our journeys are different but the common denominator is our dealing with the beast, no matter what form it takes.I don't feel like a fraud and I don'tfeel guilty.
Hugs,K

KathiM

Aw, I got off a bit 'harder'.....BUT....
I, too, feel guilty...for living life large now!

I LOVE what your doctor did....I'll have to remember that when I start with the pangs...I support new cancer warriors. Some of them have it much worse than me. So, there it is...I don't think anyone has the corner on the market of this...which, as your therapist pointed out, is rather counter-productive!

BIG hugs, Kathi

ladyg

I guess I
am also one of the "lucky" ones. I did not have to go through chemo and I am greatful for that. I do not so much feel guilty but I do feel sad to know there are a lot of sisters out there who are suffering more than I did. No matter how much of a fight you put up it was still a fight with the beast and you are still a cancer survivor. I try my best to answer questions when I can and be supportive to others who are in the fight.

Hugs,
Georgia

Curlz

THANK YOU!
I figured I couldn't be the only one. :-) Just for clarification, nobody has ever made me feel like I didn't go through something major--this is all ME. Sigh... And it's not my normal way of going through life (other people beat themselves up for everything--I don't!)--which is why it's bugging me. VERY good to hear others understand it!

Hugs to all of you!
Curlz

Sher43009

Curlz said:

THANK YOU!
I figured I couldn't be the only one. :-) Just for clarification, nobody has ever made me feel like I didn't go through something major--this is all ME. Sigh... And it's not my normal way of going through life (other people beat themselves up for everything--I don't!)--which is why it's bugging me. VERY good to hear others understand it!

Hugs to all of you!
Curlz

Felt the same
I did have chemo but when I was sitting in the infusion room with all the other cancer survivors, I'd feel sooo lucky that I am whole inside. Yeh I had a lumpectomy, yeh I had chemo, rads, herceptin but I still had all my other organs. It really put my life in perspective, it could have been a lot worse.

disneyfan2008

I never felt
like cancer survivor until I found this site...since mine was just surgery and radiation, seemed so easy compared to most! I really didnt' miss a beat with family, (every day things) and on occassion I would have down day-someone said you need to be more positive. I WANTED TO scream...when i got call back for mammo next day thought--nothing..then biopsy--thought nothing-did radiation on my lunch hour-
Funny you mention crampy feet...I get terrible leg cramps at night-never mentioned to ONCOLOGIST- I will have to mention at this weeks appt.
See I felt as I just had cancer and not survivor since I know mine was so much easier then many-but when I did want to vent or complaining felt like whiner. My adult daughter said recently why did you go to all your treatments alone? I said what was I suppose to do? (she was then in school) everyone working- so yes my family all realized cancer but didnt' really effect them very much.

disneyfan2008

cindycflynn said:

I know what you mean
I also feel that I was very lucky to have gotten off "easy". I had a lumpectomy, and although I did opt for chemo, I tolerated it about as well as you could hope to and I'm now feeling almost like a "normal" person again (If I ever was that to begin with!). And I do feel guilty sometimes if I complain (even if it's just to myself) about having to take pills twice a day now or the stiffness I feel in my feet when I get out of bed in the mornings. I do feel like I've aged quite a bit in the past year, but at the same time I feel incredibly fortunate to have gotten off as easily as I did.

I remember reading a post from someone shortly after I joined these boards who said that she felt like a "cancer fraud" because she didn't have to do chemo, so I know we're not alone in feeling this way, but I think your therapist was right also.

You ARE part of the club that nobody wants to belong to - YEA!!!! ;-)

gotten off easy
I felt the same..i even said to therapist I was walk in park compared to many..she said you may have had less..but still had cancer.

I too feel very very fortunate! fraud...I DID not have either-i felt guilty waiting for rad. and hearing others stories.

disneyfan2008

Curlz said:

THANK YOU!
I figured I couldn't be the only one. :-) Just for clarification, nobody has ever made me feel like I didn't go through something major--this is all ME. Sigh... And it's not my normal way of going through life (other people beat themselves up for everything--I don't!)--which is why it's bugging me. VERY good to hear others understand it!

Hugs to all of you!
Curlz

at dr appt with hubby (HIS DR)
Dr asked me how my health was-"are you healthy"??? I said what do you mean by Healthy? I said I had cancer-2008!

disneyfan2008

KayNYC said:

a member of the club
Guess that makes me a eligible for the club that no one wants to be in. I was also very lucky. I had a lumpectomy, no positive nodes and did not need chemo. I did complete radiation treatment and I am taking Armidex for the next 4 years 7 mos. I also have a bothersome reminder of the experience: lymphedema.When others ask, "did you have chemo?" and I say no, I sometimes get the feeling that there is judgement that my Cancer doesn't quite make it as "real or serious."
I consider myself a survivor and an extremely lucky one at that.All of our journeys are different but the common denominator is our dealing with the beast, no matter what form it takes.I don't feel like a fraud and I don'tfeel guilty.
Hugs,K

i agree
when you say NO chemo....but I am very happy I can say that..I DID not need it! Reading all this post make me see I AM survivior...and proud of it..hehe

Curlz

Update
Thanks for all of the backup! I finally called my onc's office last week, and he told me to see my surgeon b/c if anything needed to be done (ultrasound, etc.) she'd oversee it. I went to her on Thursday and a) she told me everything is normal (YAY!) at this point post-treatment and I'm sore because I'm doing way too much (yup) and because I'm still healing, nerves are regenerating, etc. and b) when I told her I felt like a big baby complaining about this vs. what others go through, she looked me in the eye and basically said "Don't be ridiculous"--in a very kind way.

I know I'm fortunate in being willing/able to say what I'm thinking (pretty much everywhere in life!) but in my opinion, this is just further proof that we ALL have to be comfortable with our docs!

Thanks again for the continuing support! You're all certainly on my list of people to be thankful for this week!
Curlz