Dad has Stage 4 tonsil cancer

reneegavin

Hello everyone! I'm so happy to have found this group. To make a long story short (I'm a little short on time right now), my father was diagnosed with cancer about 3 months ago. It originated in his tonsil and he now has an inoperable tumor in his neck. He is starting his 4th week of chemo/radiation. He is also facing some liver issues, and now some sort of infection, possibly originating in his foot (he is diabetic as well). He's is really rough shape. My 12 year old daughter last saw him when he was at home 2 weeks ago, and he was pretty good at that point. I am very leery of taking my daughter to see him now. His mouth and throat are full of sores, and due to the liver problems, his blood is not clotting correctly, and whenever he opens his mouth, blood constantly oozes out. He has also lost a lot of weight and his face is very drawn. Then there's the feeding tube and metaport. I get very upset when I go to see him and can only imagine how terrifying it would be for my daughter. She keeps saying she would like to see him (she thinks he's still in the same shape as when she last saw him). I don't know what to tell her without scaring her. My mom passed away less than 2 years ago, and my daughter had a VERY hard time with that. They were incredibly close. She has seen more than any 12 year old should have had to see in her life, and this would be too much for her. I hate to keep them apart, but am not sure what else to do. Any advice would be very much appreciated.

Thank you so much,
Kelly

Barbara53

protect her while you can
I have a daughter, now 24, and I think I would have opted to protect her from the ugly side of death when she was 12. Not so long ago, sick people died faster, perhaps with more grace, and I can see letting children say their goodbyes to grandparents under those circumstances. But with today's often gruesome hospital scenes, well, I would say let your daughter wait and participate in the funeral.

Emphasize what hard work this is for everyone, and give her some extra responsibilities to help fill in what you can't get done. She needs something to do?

I know you probably feel like you're abandoning her to take care of you father, but you will all get through this. My daughter lost her sweet grandfather when she was 14, and she is very much at peace with it.

Dotsmom

visit with Grandpa
My advice to you is that you prepare your daughter. Tell her what she will see, explain what its for-how it works. Be prepared for her to be upset, remind her that he is still the grandfather she loves and who loves(and always will love) her. And let her see him. Have a trusted caring friend or family member there with you to support you and her. It will I believe be good for them, and you. My daughter was there through out my mother's illness my daughter was 4 at the time. It was good for all of us.
Now my husband has head and neck cancer, he has a tracheostomy, a peg(feeding tube), part of his tongue has been removed, he is unable to close his mouth, his speech is often difficult to understand. But dad is dad, our daughter is now 8 years old, and while its hard for her sometimes, they need this time together and I know in the long run it is best they have this time together--however much time it turns out to be. Sorry this was so long, what ever you decide, you have my prayers for you and your family.

reneegavin

Dotsmom said:

visit with Grandpa
My advice to you is that you prepare your daughter. Tell her what she will see, explain what its for-how it works. Be prepared for her to be upset, remind her that he is still the grandfather she loves and who loves(and always will love) her. And let her see him. Have a trusted caring friend or family member there with you to support you and her. It will I believe be good for them, and you. My daughter was there through out my mother's illness my daughter was 4 at the time. It was good for all of us.
Now my husband has head and neck cancer, he has a tracheostomy, a peg(feeding tube), part of his tongue has been removed, he is unable to close his mouth, his speech is often difficult to understand. But dad is dad, our daughter is now 8 years old, and while its hard for her sometimes, they need this time together and I know in the long run it is best they have this time together--however much time it turns out to be. Sorry this was so long, what ever you decide, you have my prayers for you and your family.

Thank you...I think I will
Thank you...I think I will keep her at home unless he improves a bit. She is a very anxious child to begin with, very sensitive and worries about everything. I think this would be too much.