My daughter thinks I'm a ****!

webbwife50

This is kinda off the bc subject, but I could use some advice. My 19, almost 20 year old daughter, left her good job, which she hated, and went to Hawaii in Sept. just to have the adventure. Like all of you at some point, I have been battling the beast for more than a year. Had bilat. mast. June of 09, did months of chemo, then tram-flap recon, last Dec. My dx was IDC,TNBC. I was given a real scare last July when my onc. thought I might have mets. to the cervical vertabre, but it turn out not to be cancer although it scared the **** out of me and my family.
Anyway, not to get to far off track, my wonderfull hubby, and caregiver is new. We married just a month before my dx, having no idea I was ill. We lived together for 2 years before we married so he helped me raise my girls the last couple of years while they finished hight school before my dx.
Well, Hawaii, as I had predicted, was a flop, she came home early, and now want to come back home while she shops for a car, job, apt. ect.
I have told her no, and of course she is angry with me. I feel tired, I just don't want to get all wrapped up in having her around. I know that sounds cold and mean, I love her with all my heart. I raised my girls alone for 10 years, I devoted myself to them. Now I feel like it's my turn to take care of me and I resent her a bit. I had told her before she left that when she came back she should not plan of commiing home. I have been a Dr. Laura listener for many year and know that she would advise not enabling my daughter any more. I would really appreciate any thoughts or advice any of you might have for me. I am heart broken that she has put me in this position and am feeling guilty. both my girls are great, they have had not substance abuse issues, no driving problem, and have been very responsible regarding boys and the such. I am very proud of them both. Thanks again..hugs alison

Evoling_butterfly

Look, like you said you
Look, like you said you raised her and she's a grown woman. I have a young child so I can't really give you any advice..You know how people, not in your shoes can always tell you what to do..So I won't be one of those...I just wanted to show support!

seof

it's hard
We are not to that point yet with our girls, but I think about similar issues. I have a 14 year old and 17 year old. In many ways the younger girl is more independent and mature than the older girl. Although I worry about the older one's ability to learn how to get along socially well enough to live with room mates in college and keep a job, I believe it would be irresponsible of me to keep her at home. She has to learn to function on her own, just as the rest of us do.

Since you asked, My opinion in your case is that your daughter is an adult. She has shown that she wants to be able to make her own decisions, so she should be able to deal with the consequences. Youu did a good job raising her, now it is her turn to fly. This is not to say that you are severing all ties. You can still find ways to be supportive, but you also have every right to decide who may or may not live in your home.

That's my take on it, for what it's worth. seof

Heatherbelle

Alison,
I think you are
Alison,
I think you are doing the right thing. Let her find her wings & learn responsibility. She will thank you for it later
*hugs*
Heather

Marcia527

The decision is yours. If
The decision is yours. If you would resent her moving in then it would be stressful. Doesn't she have any friends she could move in with? With the job situation like it is she could be looking for a long time. Depends on her skills. It's really between you and hubby.

P.s. I didn't tell you about us because it's a different situation. Both my sons are in their 30's and right now we are all living together but that's a long story. Actually we are all living at our son's house so it's the opposite of your situation.

survives

Marcia527 said:

The decision is yours. If
The decision is yours. If you would resent her moving in then it would be stressful. Doesn't she have any friends she could move in with? With the job situation like it is she could be looking for a long time. Depends on her skills. It's really between you and hubby.

P.s. I didn't tell you about us because it's a different situation. Both my sons are in their 30's and right now we are all living together but that's a long story. Actually we are all living at our son's house so it's the opposite of your situation.

It's never easy
and it won't get easier. I DO have a child that is somewhat like yours....and we did have to use "tough love" to get her to grow up. Was it easy? Of course not....no one likes having to do the things we do.

I can tell you this--------------IF you don't start now........IF you don't stick with your convictions......If you don't make a decision and stick with it.........then you will have a child that will NOT grow up. Just ask MY mother. No, not me, but my sister. And, it is ME that has to cut her ties to my mother. (Can't keep her fingers out of my mother's pocketbook!) Long and sorted, and not about to go on about it here, as it is about you and your family, not me and mine.

Long story short, WebWife. If the decision that she can't come home is the one you're comfortable with, then it's the correct one. Who are we to determine whether or not you are a mean old witch?? You do what's best for your husband and yourself. She is grown. It's not like she lost her job. She quit. If she had lost it, well... maybe things would be different. Please, don't think I'm harsh. As I said, I've been there, done this, and have spent many sleepless nights over my daughter and sister. BUT, you do what you have to do.

You have my support. And, for the record?? You are most certainly NOT a ****!

m_azingrace

survives said:

It's never easy
and it won't get easier. I DO have a child that is somewhat like yours....and we did have to use "tough love" to get her to grow up. Was it easy? Of course not....no one likes having to do the things we do.

I can tell you this--------------IF you don't start now........IF you don't stick with your convictions......If you don't make a decision and stick with it.........then you will have a child that will NOT grow up. Just ask MY mother. No, not me, but my sister. And, it is ME that has to cut her ties to my mother. (Can't keep her fingers out of my mother's pocketbook!) Long and sorted, and not about to go on about it here, as it is about you and your family, not me and mine.

Long story short, WebWife. If the decision that she can't come home is the one you're comfortable with, then it's the correct one. Who are we to determine whether or not you are a mean old witch?? You do what's best for your husband and yourself. She is grown. It's not like she lost her job. She quit. If she had lost it, well... maybe things would be different. Please, don't think I'm harsh. As I said, I've been there, done this, and have spent many sleepless nights over my daughter and sister. BUT, you do what you have to do.

You have my support. And, for the record?? You are most certainly NOT a ****!

She needs to respect the boundaries.
I agree with what everyone else has said. You had already set the boundaries, so this should be no surprise to her now. Hugs. Gracie

pinkapples

"Grown" children??
If there is anything this journey has taught me it's to do what I FEEL is right and that doing what's best for ME doesnt make me selfish :}
I have a 23 yr old son and an 12 yr old daughter...only you can decide what is good for you. I'm sure you know you are not a ****; It's hard to let them (or make them) grow up, but as mothers we owe it to them to teach them how to survive on thier own.
So trust your gut, as I'm sure you have through this entire bc proocess, and know you have all the support you need here

Positive energy and thoughts sent your way.....
Pink

faith_trust_and_a_little_bit_of_chemotherapy

m_azingrace said:

She needs to respect the boundaries.
I agree with what everyone else has said. You had already set the boundaries, so this should be no surprise to her now. Hugs. Gracie

to be or not to be...a ****
I'm not trying to be flip, and there are much worse things one can be called. The reality is as parents we love 'em, but a good parent is like a hard cot...not always comfortable, but good for you. I suppose there is the off chance that a 20 something could be regressing...mom has a devoted new spouse and then there's that pesky cancer thing, but my money is on embracing the inner **** as our children are not suppose to be our pals, but projects, and projects have completion dates.

Scotch Freckles

Growing pains
When I left home at the ripe ol age of 18 I knew there was no going back. Just visiting made me realize I had become too independent to ever live under my parent's roof again. An up front and personal discussing with your daughter on neutral ground, i.e. any place but your home, to let you daughter know it's not that I don't love you, but right now you have too much to deal with to try to adjust to another person in the house. If your other daughter is as understanding about your health could she come with you to help the other sister understand. It is tough, don't feel guilty about making a decision important to your health, your life and your husband's. Maybe share this web page with her to read, it might help her understand what is really going on.

Regards, Kathryn

MyTurnNow

My 2 cents
Alison, I have an only daughter that is a couple of years older than your 19 year old. As long as I knew that she was safe, I don't think I would worry. They have to learn to become independent but this, too, is something that seems to be learned with age. Good luck with this situation.

mwallace1325

No guilt
There's no need for any guilt, although it comes with the "mom" territory. You've raised her, done your job and she was the one who made the choice to go on a hawaiian adventure. Besides, you told her not to expect to come home again. You and your husband deserve to not get caught up in her drama, no matter how minimal it is. You're both dealing with enough right now, some good (the new marriage) some not so good. You are tired as we all are sometimes and need to be good to yourself. Also, there's no reason for her to try to make you feel guilty. She's a grown up now and made this choice and needs to consider that her mom has a way more urgent need right now.
Take care and don't let her guilt you into anything.

marge

webbwife50

Thank you!!!!
Thank you all, so very much for taking the time to consider and advise me, regarding my daughter. I love this board! I love all of you! Thank you for loving me. hugs....alison

ms.sunshine

webbwife50 said:

Thank you!!!!
Thank you all, so very much for taking the time to consider and advise me, regarding my daughter. I love this board! I love all of you! Thank you for loving me. hugs....alison

Know how you feel
When I was dx last Oct. my husband mentioned asking my 24yo son to move back home to help out. NO WAY. Don't get me wrong he is wonderful, no problems. I did not want to deal with:

His social life. Girls calling, video game noise, t.v on at all hours of the night, him going out with his friends and coming home whenever. NO WAY!! that is exactly why kids grow up and move out.

After all you did tell her not to plan on coming home when she decided to leave for Hawaii.

chenheart

My 19 yr old step-daughter
My 19 yr old step-daughter lives less than an hour away during the school year, and a year ago, when school let out, she moved back in with her dad and me for the summer. Never Again! With "the law" on her side, there was nothing we could do about curfews, which also included her leaving the house more than once after 2AM when "friends" called her. This was so incredibly stressful on her dad and me...we hated 1)worrying about her knowing there was next to nothing we could do about it, and 2) having the house being thought of as a hotel, all at her convenience.
This past summer, we denied her the "right" to come back home~instead we made sure that the 3 bedroom house her 23 year old sister lives in with her b/f and baby was available to her. She opted out of that ( to spite us all, I honestly think) and bunked on the couch of a friend of her moms all summer long....sigh

Personally, I cannot abide anything coming out of Dr Laura's cold-hearted mouth( is it even possible to have a cold hearted mouth??? LOL) As opposed to us here on the boards, Dr Laura hasn't an empathetic bone in her self righteous body! The best news I heard lately is that she's retiring! Nevertheless, I think you answered your own question just by putting it to paper! And we support your diffcult decision!

Hugs,
Chen♥

CypressCynthia

We had a bad patch with our
We had a bad patch with our daughter (that's her in the photo) a few years back when she got involved with an awful guy. Basically we had to cut her off financially for a while. We all went to therapy at the time though--I insisted. The weird thing is she went! And somehow, even though she wouldn't talk with me, she would talk with her therapist.

Suddenly she dumped Mr. No Good on her own and picked herself back up and is about to finish her master's degree. Some of that decision was, I'm sure, knowing that she was on her own and the realization that boyfriend wasn't going to help.

It has been a long road and, even though it was hard, it really is her journey and her life. She is a sweetheart and a rock now, so I give you hope (say a little prayer for us though--I sure don't want to jinx anything).

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Kids can be very hard--see the grey hair on my head
;-)