Lost in Space

Bobshope

It's been 4 weeks since my wife passed away from breast cancer. I find myself lost in this large house where it used to be such a happy place. Coming home to speak to her daily and seeing her smiling face. Now it is just a house not a home. My wife died on September 8th
and my grandaughters 1st bithday was on the 24th. I found myself unable to fit in. Where it was always me and my wife now it was only me. I can visit the kids if no one is around but I feel very unconforable with other couples. I hate going home and do everything possible to keep from going home. Shopping,moviies or just walkng around like a homeless person.
I know I am not the only one going through this but the loneliness is devistating. I loved my wife with all my heart and kept my vows to love,honor and charish in sickness and health until death.
I am going to a group consuling session now but I feel all the widows are in the same shape I am and I don't want or need a co-dependent relationship. I don't know how long I should wait to start trying to find someone new or should I even try?? Four weeks does'nt sound like much but my wife suffered from cancer for four years and appoximently 2 years ago we lost all psyical contact with each other. I not saying I am just looking for psyical contact but more of a social contact. I just feel lost in space!!! with depression, sorrow and lonliness.

3Mana

It'll take time
Bob,
It's so soon for you since your wife just died in Sept. My grandson's birthday was March 23rd and we celebrated on the 21st and my husband was with me. He passed away on the 26th and it was traumatic cause it was from a rare side effect from one of his chemos. He had just been diagnosed in Jan. with lung cancer.
I agree with you that it's so lonely in the house now. Nights are really hard especially now that it gets dark early. I still find myself turning to comment to him about a TV program and then remember he's not there.
We were married for 46 years and had known each other since 1st grade.
So just take one day at a time and don't try to force yourself into anything.
When you feel depressed, just come here and talk to us. "Carole"

Noellesmom

I'm so sorry
I know this must be difficult for you, Bob, and I hate that you find yourself here, although you will meet a lot of wonderful people who will share their experiences in the hope you might find something helpful in your situation.

It sounds like you have already done a lot of anticipatory grieving in that your wife was sick for quite awhile before you lost her. The grieving you are doing now is just as necessary and you must take your time to work your way through it. I have no doubt you are lonely: you must be careful because that makes you very vulnerable.

You are still very much alive and no doubt after caring for your wife during the past few years, you've contemplated how you would proceed after she was gone. Just stretch your wings carefully because you don't want to get hurt and you don't want to hurt anyone else.

Take plenty of time. I know you may feel urgency to get on with your life but you still need the chance to fully grieve. That having been said, it is different for everyone and there is no requisite grieving period.

Hugs to you, Bob.

grandmafay

Grief
Others have said much the same thing I would. I, too, would encourage you to take things easy. I lost my husband almost a year ago and understand what you are saying about a lonely house and attending parties even family ones on your own. I call the latter the empty chair syndrome. It is hard. I have known a number of people who jumped into a new relationship too early. Also, remember that bringing a new person into your life may change your family dynamics. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't do so. It just means that you should proceed with caution. My husband had cancer for 6 years and slept in his chair because of back pain for most of the last two years. So I do understand much of what you are feeling. I also think it is true that men may approach this grief business differently than women. You might want to check out David's post here. Fay

Bobshope

Fear
Carole:
Thanks so much for your comments. I guess in some ways I am in panic mode as my wife's birthday is on the 30th an then we have Thanksgiving and Xmas. I see a very hardtime gitting through these days and weeks ahead. I don't want to be a recluse but i know I will end up that way because of my fear of heading out on myown. I feel I am strong in so many ways but this fear of lonliness is crippling. The same story of "it takes time". Has my time run out??

Thanks Again

Bobshope

Noellesmom

Bobshope said:

Fear
Carole:
Thanks so much for your comments. I guess in some ways I am in panic mode as my wife's birthday is on the 30th an then we have Thanksgiving and Xmas. I see a very hardtime gitting through these days and weeks ahead. I don't want to be a recluse but i know I will end up that way because of my fear of heading out on myown. I feel I am strong in so many ways but this fear of lonliness is crippling. The same story of "it takes time". Has my time run out??

Thanks Again

Bobshope

You posted to Carole, but...
Why would you think your time has run out, Bobshope?

Surely you know overwhelming loneliness visits us all at some point in our lives. You are not truly alone, it is a mindset that makes you feel that way.

No one who has lost a loved one recently (really, within the past year) is looking forward to these holidays - you have only to read the posts of others on this website to see that. You are in very good - and crowded - company.

You are mourning the loss of a partner and feeling her absence. Please allow yourself to do so. You deserve to recognize you built a relationship that ended prematurely.

Men tend to not want to do this but you might consider seeing your physician for a little pharmaceutical help in getting through these roughest days. There are others who can attest to their value.

Your time has not run out, Bob. Please be patient with yourself. Your world will right itself again.

david54

Right where you are
I hear you Bob-"Lost in Space" is a good description. I compare losing my wife to someone stuffing me in one of those snow globes, shaking it 1000 times and having me find my way. I hear the loneliness - I am coming to the conclusion that it is something I/we will have to accept. I don't have to like it, but it is what it is. How's that for deep thought? I am with you in spirit.

ktlcs

david54 said:

Right where you are
I hear you Bob-"Lost in Space" is a good description. I compare losing my wife to someone stuffing me in one of those snow globes, shaking it 1000 times and having me find my way. I hear the loneliness - I am coming to the conclusion that it is something I/we will have to accept. I don't have to like it, but it is what it is. How's that for deep thought? I am with you in spirit.

I feel the same
I lost my husband in July, after only four days (he had been dx 9 mos prior but wasn't at all sick until..) ingI too find myself walking around the house like a zombie at times. Or turning to tell him someth, only to remember he's not there. Our wedding anniversary is Tuesday, can't imagine what that is going to be like. You mentioned group counseling, I see a therapist one on one, feels much better than a group setting. Maybe that can help?
Just know that you are not alone.

Kathy

3Mana

ktlcs said:

I feel the same
I lost my husband in July, after only four days (he had been dx 9 mos prior but wasn't at all sick until..) ingI too find myself walking around the house like a zombie at times. Or turning to tell him someth, only to remember he's not there. Our wedding anniversary is Tuesday, can't imagine what that is going to be like. You mentioned group counseling, I see a therapist one on one, feels much better than a group setting. Maybe that can help?
Just know that you are not alone.

Kathy

We're all zombies
Kathy,
I lost my husband in March and sometimes I still feel like a zombie. Today I was out in the yard raking leaves. It was a beautiful day, and all of a sudden the tears started again. I still am seeing a counselor and it does help. It's so hard when we have a good life and everything is great and then that damn cancer strikes and changes our whole life. I know the holidays are going to be hard and I wish we could just skip them. Don't know how many years you were married, but we had just had our 46th anniversary last february. Try and do something special on tuesday. It will be hard getting through that day, but guess there's nothing we can do except go on with our life. Take care! Carole

lilli1020

ktlcs said:

I feel the same
I lost my husband in July, after only four days (he had been dx 9 mos prior but wasn't at all sick until..) ingI too find myself walking around the house like a zombie at times. Or turning to tell him someth, only to remember he's not there. Our wedding anniversary is Tuesday, can't imagine what that is going to be like. You mentioned group counseling, I see a therapist one on one, feels much better than a group setting. Maybe that can help?
Just know that you are not alone.

Kathy

I agree with 3mana....
Get out and do something with family or friends. Do not stay home by yourself....try and do something special in honor of your husband. A dinner out, shopping...or a nice walk.....exercise helps me a lot. It gives me a way to deal with my feelings and tires my mind and body....to me, it is a nice release. You will get through it....make a toast to him and be greatful for what you had together...no one can take your memories and after a while, they won't make you cry. You will smile for what you had together and realize you were lucky to have someone in your life that made you very happy and that one day another door will open and you will find meaning for your life as it is now. God is good and He will get you through this....He is helping all of us here!

Gayle