My mother is being an absolute B........ Is this normal and how should I react?

Lisa13Q

Hello All,

I am not sure what's happening, but.....my mother is just basically in a crabby (that is putting it lightly) mood lately. Yesterday, I had just about had it on the phone with her. She was almost irrational and truly mean......Now, I'm a little irritated with her.....There is no point in bringing it up because she'll just get defensive...I don't really want to create more stress anyway.....OK, honest feedback....Intellectually I am aware this is normal, but sometimes I swear ..... Now, is there anything I can say or do to help her mood? She's been great throughout all of this, but she may be in the angry stage or something...This is probably a dumb post, but....I don't have any idea to be fighting with her. I don't really know what feedback I'm asking for here. I'm just feeling a little lonely today in this cancer journey... and she can truly be a Big B....

nancy591

venting
I have no feedback to offer. I just wanted to validate for you that it is perfectly OK to vent!!! Wishing you, and your Mom, a better week ahead.

saundra

Maybe a moon phase
Lisa, I am being an absolute nag lately too. Maybe your Mom and I are dealing with the same emotions. My husband, the most tolerant, helpful, loving caregiver there ever was lost it yesterday and slammed a fist on the table (a first in over 50 years). That is how nagging I have become. That made me realize that I am dealing with some trauma of my recurring disease that may need more attention on my part. We talked about it today and acknowledged both of our frustrations and I hope that helps me control my constant instructions to him that he misunderstands at times. I call it "helpful" and he sees it as "controlling".
I am going to try to "bite my tongue" and see if I can. Things pop out of my mouth before I think. We are all under the most pressure a family can go through. (((HUGS))) Saundra

Hissy_Fitz

It's anger and hormones (or
It's anger and hormones (or more specifically, lack thereof), and a feeling of helplessness that overwhelms us once in a while. I'm sure my family members share feelings similar to yours, behind my back, and compare notes.

I apologize on your mom's behalf, Lisa. We really should give our family members/caregivers more credit and appreciation, and less grief. It's not their fault we are sick. Lord knows, most of them would trade places with us if they could.

I pray every day that my family doesn't get fed up with my attitude and smother me with my own pillow.

From the daughter of a chronically ill and now deceased mother, let me say that I have seen both sides of this. My mom had Parkinson's and it made her paranoid and sometimes almost unbearable to be around. Still, I know that I can be a PITA sometimes.

Carlene

clamryn

Hang in there...
Lisa, Don't beat yourself up. You have a right to vent. And it is good that you do. Do not hold it in. My daughter and her family live with me. I am so blessed by that. When I first got ovarian cancer over 20 years ago I had just went through a divorce. It was very hard dealing with having cancer and the divorce at the same time. I felt so alone in trying to deal with everything. It took me a long time to see and to know that I am so lucky to have the children I have. In 2008 IT (Cancer) came back and like I said... my daughter, her husband and 2 children are with me. My daughter is the caregiver, just like you. She is my guardian angel. There have been times that I have said something that I shouldn't have and she came right back at me. I am glad that she does because then I see how hard it is on her. When your mom gets on your nerves...just come out and tell her.

Just remember none of us can put on our happy face all of the time. And I am meaning this for those of us that are sick and those of us that are caregivers. The caregiver has a rough way to go.

You will be okay. Just you and your mom talk. She is probably going through a down time. You can work it out.

Hugs to you and your mom.

Linda

kayandok

Not a dumb post
at all! I think it is one of the main issues we all deal with. Although it is a necesary emotion to process, when we do, it often blurts out and hurts those around us. This scenario often goes on and on, because the reality is that one feels so much better after letting off the steam!!

I have struggled with this one a lot, even before cancer. How do I express my anger without hurting others? I realized that anger is only a surface emotion, and underneith it is fear, lonliness, and a feeling of helplessness usually. So, if I can catch myself and journal that out, or take the time to articulate what is there, I am less likely to hurt my loved ones. Well, that is easier said than done, of-course! Just being aware of this fact has helped me, and I do ask for forgivenss when I end up saying hurtful things.

I do think that you can draw the line with your mom and tell her that you want to hear all about how she is feeling, but you don't want to be "stomped on"! She probably is not even aware that she is being a big B! Well, maybe she is, but she knows she can get by with it, and you won't say anything?

Lisa, you are an amazing daugher! Your love for your mom is always so evident.

kathleen

Barbara53

the negativity train
Lisa, my Mom is on the negativity train, too. She finds fault everywhere she looks, but I think it's because she feels so lousy. The chemo doesn't seem to be working like it did at first, and she says she just wants to sleep. I'm going down this week to lighten her load, catch up with housework and grocery shopping and such. Her 80th birthday is next week, and she has shot down every idea for observing it. At this point we're having cake and ice cream at home. Sounds fine, but this is not at all like my always-ready-for-a-party mom.

Perhaps, as part of the natural process of moving on from this world, you have to get angry at it first? That's my best guess, so I let her go off on whatever and change the subject after she winds down. Most of the time, I can still get her to laugh a little.

angiedryden

Barbara53 said:

the negativity train
Lisa, my Mom is on the negativity train, too. She finds fault everywhere she looks, but I think it's because she feels so lousy. The chemo doesn't seem to be working like it did at first, and she says she just wants to sleep. I'm going down this week to lighten her load, catch up with housework and grocery shopping and such. Her 80th birthday is next week, and she has shot down every idea for observing it. At this point we're having cake and ice cream at home. Sounds fine, but this is not at all like my always-ready-for-a-party mom.

Perhaps, as part of the natural process of moving on from this world, you have to get angry at it first? That's my best guess, so I let her go off on whatever and change the subject after she winds down. Most of the time, I can still get her to laugh a little.

Zoloft
Lisa ..sorry to hear about your mom. My mom has stage IV Ovarian Cancer and this month will have her 6th chemo treatment which we hope is her last for awhile. Her doctor put her on Zoloft and she has never been a B.... Her spirit and faith has taken her through. She has been so positive through all of this. She is the one who reassures the rest of us. Wouldn't hurt to ask the doctor about something to help her through this mentally.

Will be praying for her and all of you ladies,

Angie

Lisa13Q

angiedryden said:

Zoloft
Lisa ..sorry to hear about your mom. My mom has stage IV Ovarian Cancer and this month will have her 6th chemo treatment which we hope is her last for awhile. Her doctor put her on Zoloft and she has never been a B.... Her spirit and faith has taken her through. She has been so positive through all of this. She is the one who reassures the rest of us. Wouldn't hurt to ask the doctor about something to help her through this mentally.

Will be praying for her and all of you ladies,

Angie

Thanks
Hi Angie,

Thanks for the post. I couldn't agree with you more...Mom is depressed. We tried offering lexapro, and she turned it down. She's very old school. Oh well, after venting, I feel better. I try to understand that this is a pretty difficult situation and I am taking some time away. When I get perspective, I feel very badly for her. The chemo is miserable. But sometimes I need a break. Also, this board helps so much. It's a safe place to come and just "be". Whether we are taking care of or living with this monster, everyone truly seems to be in this together and it helps.

kayandok

Lisa13Q said:

Thanks
Hi Angie,

Thanks for the post. I couldn't agree with you more...Mom is depressed. We tried offering lexapro, and she turned it down. She's very old school. Oh well, after venting, I feel better. I try to understand that this is a pretty difficult situation and I am taking some time away. When I get perspective, I feel very badly for her. The chemo is miserable. But sometimes I need a break. Also, this board helps so much. It's a safe place to come and just "be". Whether we are taking care of or living with this monster, everyone truly seems to be in this together and it helps.

I like the sound of
"taking some time away". Taking care of Lisa is just as important as taking care of mom.
k

msfanciful

Hi Lisa,
I too have been a
Hi Lisa,

I too have been a b---- in dealing with my stage iv ovca.

I have been through the pitiful and weak stage, then the depressed staged in which all I ever did was cry.

I went through the very dark and angry phase lashing out at everyone and everything.

It's almost 4 years now and it has taken me every bit of this period to get back to my normal self along with the help of my 10mg Lexapro. (It really helped me with anxiety and it is non-addictive).

Now I find myself skipping doses which is okay, but not encouraged by my doc because she says having cancer the whole point is not to let stress get a hold of me and further stress my body which is a magnet to cancer.

Stay tough and find the faith that it will get better but it may take time.

I would still encourage her to try Lexapro at least for a little...I think she would be pleasantly surprised.

Sharon

Lisa13Q

msfanciful said:

Hi Lisa,
I too have been a
Hi Lisa,

I too have been a b---- in dealing with my stage iv ovca.

I have been through the pitiful and weak stage, then the depressed staged in which all I ever did was cry.

I went through the very dark and angry phase lashing out at everyone and everything.

It's almost 4 years now and it has taken me every bit of this period to get back to my normal self along with the help of my 10mg Lexapro. (It really helped me with anxiety and it is non-addictive).

Now I find myself skipping doses which is okay, but not encouraged by my doc because she says having cancer the whole point is not to let stress get a hold of me and further stress my body which is a magnet to cancer.

Stay tough and find the faith that it will get better but it may take time.

I would still encourage her to try Lexapro at least for a little...I think she would be pleasantly surprised.

Sharon

Thanks Sharon
I appreciate your feedback A LOT. I ended the freeze out yesterday and called her. I, totally, wish she would take the lexapro...I agree with you that it would help. I may mention it again in 3 weeks as I will be going back to NY for her next CT scan. I spoke to a friend of mine today who take care of her single sister who had ovarian cancer. She told me some stories of lashing out that gave me some perspective as well. I probably would not be half as strong as her or any of you.......The more I think about it, the more I am convinced she is depressed (who wouldn't be)....and I can only lead her to the water, I can't make her drink it....the powerlessness of this disease....

9 time survivor

Lisa and Mom
Lisa I deal with my real life drama and trust me its been many since 1974 to now. I have 2 living siblings and an aunt and in every surgery (lord knows I had my share) I am a complete B myself, but funny some strange reason the understand and forgive me and just hugs me and say I love you. Guess they are lucky since they live away in other states and only come by for major surgery. Love is caring funny enough I derive strength from My Lord God and them, I do ask for forgiveness when after I vent. I have been going through cancer surgeries since 1974. I keep a lot pent up inside but the older i get I find "my time alone" to cry. Not much you can do when "mood" strikes, take a walk don't argue, just show love. I joined this site hoping for don't know what. Having had cancer of various kinds 9 times and survive without chemo, etc is a miracle.
Now the ugly monster has reared his head again, will be chopped of soon I hope. Be honest I don;t know why I have joined this group, sleepless night before dialysis I use PC to vent I guess. I will pray for you both