The "New" Normal

zinniemay

mswijiknyc said:

go with the flow
"normal is just a setting on the washing machine" friend had that as a status a long time ago

"go with the flow" when hubby (stage IV laryngeal w/ complete larygectomy) was working still, that was something they used to describe they way all the new guys needed to work. He works construction so they have lots of little sayings to help get them through their day, such as . . .

"there's no I in team, but there are 3 U's in You Dumb F^%$" I'm using this on the next round of idiot med students that traipse in here like cattle. GET OUT! or better -

"there's no I in team, but there are 3 U's in Shut The F&^% Up" test me again grouchy nurse. test me again.

To me there is no such thing as "normal." You have the usual and the unusual, which changes on a daily basis sometimes. It used to be normal for him to sleep four hours a night and have to slow down for me when we walked together. Now it's normal for me to sleep four hours a night and slow down for him when we walk together. Usual and unusual.

Feeling hopeless is something I know all too well and I'm still early in the game. By his second visit with his doctor, I had his entire funeral planned out in my head. I'm not embarrassed or ashamed to say that because it helped me to close off that part of my brain so I can focus now on getting him back to usual (notice I didn't say the phrase!)

This is not easy. But you find a balance. Somewhere.

Listening to him breathe now is music. It's clear, no whistles, no wheezing, no coughing up nasty white Krazy Glue, no sweats. He sleeps, for the first time in months, he sleeps so soundly. What a gift I have been given. More days to hear him sleep.

- April

you said it very well
You said it very well. I find this new world different and I to planned in my head after the first time but now We take it as we can get it! He sleeps more and I sleep less . But we still have each other.

Thank you April


Jennie

Pennymac02

mswijiknyc said:

go with the flow
"normal is just a setting on the washing machine" friend had that as a status a long time ago

"go with the flow" when hubby (stage IV laryngeal w/ complete larygectomy) was working still, that was something they used to describe they way all the new guys needed to work. He works construction so they have lots of little sayings to help get them through their day, such as . . .

"there's no I in team, but there are 3 U's in You Dumb F^%$" I'm using this on the next round of idiot med students that traipse in here like cattle. GET OUT! or better -

"there's no I in team, but there are 3 U's in Shut The F&^% Up" test me again grouchy nurse. test me again.

To me there is no such thing as "normal." You have the usual and the unusual, which changes on a daily basis sometimes. It used to be normal for him to sleep four hours a night and have to slow down for me when we walked together. Now it's normal for me to sleep four hours a night and slow down for him when we walk together. Usual and unusual.

Feeling hopeless is something I know all too well and I'm still early in the game. By his second visit with his doctor, I had his entire funeral planned out in my head. I'm not embarrassed or ashamed to say that because it helped me to close off that part of my brain so I can focus now on getting him back to usual (notice I didn't say the phrase!)

This is not easy. But you find a balance. Somewhere.

Listening to him breathe now is music. It's clear, no whistles, no wheezing, no coughing up nasty white Krazy Glue, no sweats. He sleeps, for the first time in months, he sleeps so soundly. What a gift I have been given. More days to hear him sleep.

- April

Hahahaha

April,
I just snorted coffee thru my nose while reading the three U's. Actually, your whole post is very well said.

There's no I in team, but there is a "ME" by the way. Not as concise as the three U's, though.
Still chuckling,
Penny

virtual_voyager

Now another aspect of our

Now another aspect of our relationship is all but gone.

She's my best friend and I can't talk to her about what's on my mind. The fear and angst of upsetting her day keeps my mouth closed, and we go about just like it was just another day.

Knowing what she is going through now plus anticipating what she will endure in the near future brings on the lowest low I've ever felt and within an instant a boiling anger I've never experienced before.

If I'm not walking in circles I find myself standing in the backyard staring out at ...nothing. Everything just stops, like my mind went into neutral.

....and my friends are already showing signs of "tired of hearing it".

I don't know which is worse, feeling helpless or hopeless.

If it isn't obvious by now, she IS my life.

VV

Noellesmom

virtual_voyager said:

Now another aspect of our

Now another aspect of our relationship is all but gone.

She's my best friend and I can't talk to her about what's on my mind. The fear and angst of upsetting her day keeps my mouth closed, and we go about just like it was just another day.

Knowing what she is going through now plus anticipating what she will endure in the near future brings on the lowest low I've ever felt and within an instant a boiling anger I've never experienced before.

If I'm not walking in circles I find myself standing in the backyard staring out at ...nothing. Everything just stops, like my mind went into neutral.

....and my friends are already showing signs of "tired of hearing it".

I don't know which is worse, feeling helpless or hopeless.

If it isn't obvious by now, she IS my life.

VV

talking
Not sure if you say you can't talk to her because she is unable to communicate or because you think it is not the right thing to do, for some reason.

If it is because it is difficult, I encourage you to try, VV. It really opens doors and windows and let's fresh air into the situation. It may be a relief to her to talk about it, also.

It can be a hard thing to do but I think it is the right thing to do, in most cases.

I have had these discussions with my husband, who has stage IV cancer and has completed treatments (PET scan results today so keep us in your prayers) and other family members. It has always turned out they are relieved to have the conversations and so was I.

grandmafay

virtual_voyager said:

Now another aspect of our

Now another aspect of our relationship is all but gone.

She's my best friend and I can't talk to her about what's on my mind. The fear and angst of upsetting her day keeps my mouth closed, and we go about just like it was just another day.

Knowing what she is going through now plus anticipating what she will endure in the near future brings on the lowest low I've ever felt and within an instant a boiling anger I've never experienced before.

If I'm not walking in circles I find myself standing in the backyard staring out at ...nothing. Everything just stops, like my mind went into neutral.

....and my friends are already showing signs of "tired of hearing it".

I don't know which is worse, feeling helpless or hopeless.

If it isn't obvious by now, she IS my life.

VV

Talk
I, too, would encourage you to talk. One thing I knew when my husband passed away was that we had left nothing unsaid. That was a comfort. I won't say I was prepared for losing him because I don't think you are ever prepared. My husband fought cancer for six years. We had many hard conversations including some about what I would do after he died. He was worried about me, and those conversations seemed to give him some comfort. Your mom knows you are scared and even angry. Maybe she would like to talk, too. We mothers never stop being mothers. If she is able to talk continue to share with her. The primary thing I miss is that sharing. Take care of yourself. Fay

Unknown

virtual_voyager said:

Now another aspect of our

Now another aspect of our relationship is all but gone.

She's my best friend and I can't talk to her about what's on my mind. The fear and angst of upsetting her day keeps my mouth closed, and we go about just like it was just another day.

Knowing what she is going through now plus anticipating what she will endure in the near future brings on the lowest low I've ever felt and within an instant a boiling anger I've never experienced before.

If I'm not walking in circles I find myself standing in the backyard staring out at ...nothing. Everything just stops, like my mind went into neutral.

....and my friends are already showing signs of "tired of hearing it".

I don't know which is worse, feeling helpless or hopeless.

If it isn't obvious by now, she IS my life.

VV

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3Mana

unknown said:

This comment has been removed by the Moderator

Wish we would've talked more
Hi Luvinlife2,
Sorry for what you're going through. Hope you're doing okay. I was a caregiver for my husband for only 2 short months. He was diagnosed with stage 1V lung cancer and had cells in his brain & spine. We were shocked when we found that out, because it all started with a back ache which we thought was from doing too much in the yard. So guess we didn't want to face or think about what might happen. We loved each other so much, and had been married for 46 years.
He died from a RARE complication from AVASTIN. Was fine all day & night then went up to go to bed & he started hemmorraging. I screamed & ran to call 911, but after they worked on him for 1/2 hour it was too late. Anyhow, I never even got a chance to say goodbye. We never talked about what I should do if this happened. He had always done everything & was the best husband anyone would want. So it's been a rude awakening and I recommend that everyone talk and don't hold anything back.
Good Luck to You! "Carole"

Unknown

3Mana said:

Wish we would've talked more
Hi Luvinlife2,
Sorry for what you're going through. Hope you're doing okay. I was a caregiver for my husband for only 2 short months. He was diagnosed with stage 1V lung cancer and had cells in his brain & spine. We were shocked when we found that out, because it all started with a back ache which we thought was from doing too much in the yard. So guess we didn't want to face or think about what might happen. We loved each other so much, and had been married for 46 years.
He died from a RARE complication from AVASTIN. Was fine all day & night then went up to go to bed & he started hemmorraging. I screamed & ran to call 911, but after they worked on him for 1/2 hour it was too late. Anyhow, I never even got a chance to say goodbye. We never talked about what I should do if this happened. He had always done everything & was the best husband anyone would want. So it's been a rude awakening and I recommend that everyone talk and don't hold anything back.
Good Luck to You! "Carole"

This comment has been removed by the Moderator

lovingwifedeb

grandmafay said:

Normal
I think we all believed once upon a time that there is such a thing as normal. What we now know is that normal keeps changing. Normal only exists in our minds. What is normal for one is really not normal for someone else. I have a tendency to use that word, too, but is there really such a thing. I don't really know what normal is any more. My life has changed so many times and there have been so many new normals. Maybe that is just a sign that I am getting older. I visited with my mother yesterday. She has both moderate dementia and cancer and will be 92 next month. She started crying because my son was also there and she couldn't remember who he was. Yes, she is normal for her current condition, but she is not my normal mom. She struggles to accept her new normal, but she can't remember what normal was. I guess I can't either. I don't know if anyone can follow this or not. Maybe I am just not very normal. Fay

There Really Is No Normal
I guess I disagree with this, in my opinion there is only a before and after... my life before the diagnose of my husband's cancer and our life after. Our lives will never be normal again. It changes day to day, worry after worry so how can that ever be normal? My head spins sometimes...kind of like Linda Blair on the Exorcist...

Fay, your story about your mom had me crying. My husband's mother died from Alzheimers several years ago. When my husband's and our relationship began it was a long distance one and his mother wrote to me several times after we met. We got to know one another through these letters and one on one. After my husband and I married this disease took her over and slowly ate her mind and body. It was awful to watch. Since I was the newest member of the family I was the fastest one to lose in her memory. She died in springtime, that Christmas I pulled out one of those letters and gave it to my husband for Christmas. By the look in his eyes I don't think I could have given him a better gift, it became priceless. His mother was our biggest supporter, as you might guess second marriages come with their own problems.

Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you. It is an awful disease for everyone in the family. My heart goes out to you.

Deb
lovingwife to Bob, melanoma stage 3c

3Mana

unknown said:

This comment has been removed by the Moderator

It'll never be easy!
Luvinlife2,
No one likes to talk about death even though we know it's going to happen to all of us. I guess I just couldn't face thinking about going on without my husband.
What is your prognosis? You are getting treatments right? Cancer sucks, and guess even when people go into remission they still worry every time they get a pain or something.
My husband did everything for me. We never had to have a repairman for anything cause he knew how to fix everything. I didn't even put gas in my car! Guess I didn't realize what I was in for when he was diagnosed in January.
All I can say is keep talking to your husband and let him know you love him. Do you have kids?? I have 3 and don't know how I could've gone through this without them.
I know the holidays are going to be rough. Wish I could sleep from before thanksgiving till after New Years. Does this make sense?
Well keep in touch!! Tell your husband we're all here for him if he wants to talk!! He'll be okay, cause there's nothing we can do except go on living. Take care! "Carole"

Unknown

3Mana said:

It'll never be easy!
Luvinlife2,
No one likes to talk about death even though we know it's going to happen to all of us. I guess I just couldn't face thinking about going on without my husband.
What is your prognosis? You are getting treatments right? Cancer sucks, and guess even when people go into remission they still worry every time they get a pain or something.
My husband did everything for me. We never had to have a repairman for anything cause he knew how to fix everything. I didn't even put gas in my car! Guess I didn't realize what I was in for when he was diagnosed in January.
All I can say is keep talking to your husband and let him know you love him. Do you have kids?? I have 3 and don't know how I could've gone through this without them.
I know the holidays are going to be rough. Wish I could sleep from before thanksgiving till after New Years. Does this make sense?
Well keep in touch!! Tell your husband we're all here for him if he wants to talk!! He'll be okay, cause there's nothing we can do except go on living. Take care! "Carole"

This comment has been removed by the Moderator