A Shell of a Girl

Evoling_butterfly

I look in the mirror and I can no longer see the simple girl that use to live within me.

It was October 29, 1996, when Dr. No Good spoke the words that changed my life forever. “You have breast cancer…..” Everything he said after those few words didn’t really matter. That day was the beginning of the end of the carefree girl I knew.
At first I thought if I ignore it, maybe, it would go away on its own. However, that damn Dr. No Good was persistent. Somehow that fool talked me into chemotherapy and surgery. He said something like, “In order to ensure that you have a better quality of life you should really consider…” And I actually thought he was concerned about me, and the fact that I was so young. I thought I would hate him forever because he was the reason I got a double mastectomy and took chemotherapy at the tender age of twenty-five. How could a highly educated doctor not know that he had sentenced me to a slow death? My body would remain living with the side effects of all the poison that was put in my veins. My spirit…my spirit died the minute I woke up to find I no longer had breasts. It was at that moment when my anesthesia wore off I realized what Dr. No Good did to me. He robbed me of my womanhood. While he was removing my breasts, he must have taken my hope too. Since there was no going back I went ahead and started my chemo treatments. Every time I had to throw up I cursed that stupid doctor. Every time I couldn’t get out of bed I cursed him. Every time I saw a new bald spot in my head I wanted to spit in his face. I never knew I could have so much hate for one single person. I never knew I was capable of having such vicious thoughts.
One day I woke up to find a half of a person. I stopped considering myself a woman. Women have breast, hair, and men. Since, I didn’t have any of those things; I figured I couldn’t possibly be a woman. I was empty and bitter because I felt this shouldn’t have happened to me. I was a decent person, most of the time. Wasn’t I? I had no self worth, absolutely no dignity. I had begun to date men that abuse or were just plain disrespectful to me. I felt I had to take whatever a man dished out because I didn’t want to be lonely. I distanced myself from the people that truly loved me. I hated myself so much I couldn’t see past my own hate. How could anyone love me when I wasn’t a whole woman? A whole woman…see I thought that breast, hair, and even men defined my womanhood.
Now when I look back on my actions and feelings I understand them. I mean it took a whole lot of therapy and peer group counseling but I eventually got it. Before cancer, I lived in my own superficial world. I could never see the big picture. I never really knew the depth of my soul and the strength of my faith until cancer knocked down my door. Every day I wake up, I thank GOD that cancer was present in my life. People think I am crazy when I say that but it’s the truth. I’m not thanking GOD for the cancer! I’m thanking HIM because October 29, 1996, was the death of the little girl I use to be and the birth of the woman that I became. Those first few years I was lost but with the help of GOD I was found. How cliché? But it’s the truth. Now I’m thirty-five years old and I still don’t have much hair because I keep it cut extremely short. Ironic…maybe. I do have breasts; those were a small gift to myself. I’ve been married for three years to a wonderful, respectful, spiritual, and sexy man. Before cancer I was a shallow person, I couldn’t appreciate the simple things in my life. After cancer I became a woman of substance.

I look in the mirror and I see the woman that lives within me and I smile.

Kris aka Evolving butterfly

(June 18, 2010 I was diagnosed with breast cancer a month before my 31st birthday)
(I wrote this a month after my mother’s death in 2006.Could it be irony? Does this mean I get the husband next? Can someone put in a good word for me?)

sea60

So beautifully written
Praise God you are in a much better place.

Thank you for sharing such inspiration.

Hugs,

Sylvia

Katz77

You are amazing and
You are amazing and beauitful woman. You found out at an early age what most women never dare to relize. The true meaning of beauty is internal, that begins to shine through to the external. God is with you at all times. Bless you for your wise and beauitful message that all should read. Katz

carriesoup

you are awesome thank
you are awesome thank you.

Giant Poodles

carriesoup said:

you are awesome thank
you are awesome thank you.

You are a warrior
You are a warrior for sure. You have taken a bad situation and turned it into a wonderful learning situation. God is always with you and is smiling at you right now. I am glad to see bitterness is not eating you up, you have risen above. Lots of hugs to you.
Much Love,
Rhonda

cookie97

Wow!
I really mean WOW! That is one heck of a story! God bless you.

Peace and Love,
Edie

smalldoggroomer

"Wow", You should write".
Really you should write!! You are truly a beautiful lady, inside and out. Inspirational..

Bella Luna

Evoling into a New Spectacular US!
Your stage name fits you to a T. You have evolved into an amazing woman. The beautiful of it all is that we can, if we try, "evolve" into something far more wonderful than we could have ever imagined for our selves. Bravo!
BL

Ritzy

Bella Luna said:

Evoling into a New Spectacular US!
Your stage name fits you to a T. You have evolved into an amazing woman. The beautiful of it all is that we can, if we try, "evolve" into something far more wonderful than we could have ever imagined for our selves. Bravo!
BL

Beautiful!
As everyone else wrote, you write beautifully. I was totally taken by what you wrote, and, that takes a lot for me.

A women is not defined by breasts, hair, a trim and lean body or anything superficial. That is just the outside presence. Look at a sweet baby..they are bald, no teeth, fat and can't even talk, and, we all love them for the beauty that they bestow upon us, just like a woman, any woman going thru treatment for bc.

I have seen some of the most beautiful woman that are going thru chemo right now. And, part of it is just their attitude. They have chosen to fight bc and in the process, even if they have lost their hair, gained or lost weight, they are surrounded by strength, a spiritual power and all of the confidence in the world.

You have evolved into a beautiful spirit, and, an amazing woman. I pray that you see that as we all do thru your writing.

Someone once told me that the only thing that really matters in this world is a clean soul in the end and I believe that more than anything.

Bless you and may God keep you strong and in good health,

Sue

cahjah75

Kris
what a thought provoking commentary on how your life has changed. You are a woman who is beautiful on the inside as on the outside. Thanks for sharing.
{{hugs}} Char

Heatherbelle

thank you for sharing that:)
thank you for sharing that:) you are a beautiful and strong woman Kris, and an inspiration
*hugs*
heather

seof

its God
God can do what we cannot. Praise God that you are able to see His hand in the creation He is still making in your life. Praise God for bringing you together with a great husband as well. I would not be here today if not for my faith and those around me who share it.

Faith is the evidence of things hoped for, the manifestation of things unseen.

Thanks for sharing with us. seof

Evoling_butterfly

Not my story yet
I wrote this in 2006 and it came from watching my cousin, aunts, and mother go through cancer and relationships. I saw how cancer bought self-esteem down and defined womanhood. So at the time I wrote this I had no idea I would be diagnois with it 4 years later. I just wanted to share this because I feel we as women allow others and things to determine our worth.
So unfornately I haven't found my husband but if it's meant for me then it'll be. Thanks to everyone who has responed to my poem!!!

sparkle1

Evoling_butterfly said:

Not my story yet
I wrote this in 2006 and it came from watching my cousin, aunts, and mother go through cancer and relationships. I saw how cancer bought self-esteem down and defined womanhood. So at the time I wrote this I had no idea I would be diagnois with it 4 years later. I just wanted to share this because I feel we as women allow others and things to determine our worth.
So unfornately I haven't found my husband but if it's meant for me then it'll be. Thanks to everyone who has responed to my poem!!!

What a wonderful and
What a wonderful and inspiring poem. Any man would be blessed to have you in their life. God Bless!
Sparkle

chenheart

I have an idea that even
I have an idea that even without cancer ( which I have a difficult, if not impossible time ever calling a gift, under any circumstance!) you would have evolved into the amazing woman we see now! 20-somethings are generally by definition still a work in progress~ it is a rite of passage to be self-absorbed to some degree! Not because of any design flaw, it's just due to limited life experience!

You have emerged from your chrysalis with grace, dignity and beauty, and I wouldn't be at all surprised to find you will continue to evolve in like fashion!

Thanks for sharing...you are such a welcome addition to this amazing family of Warrior-Survivors!!!

Hugs,
Chen♥

Megan M

chenheart said:

I have an idea that even
I have an idea that even without cancer ( which I have a difficult, if not impossible time ever calling a gift, under any circumstance!) you would have evolved into the amazing woman we see now! 20-somethings are generally by definition still a work in progress~ it is a rite of passage to be self-absorbed to some degree! Not because of any design flaw, it's just due to limited life experience!

You have emerged from your chrysalis with grace, dignity and beauty, and I wouldn't be at all surprised to find you will continue to evolve in like fashion!

Thanks for sharing...you are such a welcome addition to this amazing family of Warrior-Survivors!!!

Hugs,
Chen♥

You are an evolving
You are an evolving butterfly, a beautiful and emotional soul! I have read and reread what you wrote and just love it!

I think you are a great writer, as everyone else wrote to you.

I think if you consider bc a gift, then you certainly have earned the right. I think we all have our interpretation of what bc has done for us, good and bad.

Thank you so much for sharing your touching words with us. I hope you write more on here.


Hugs, Megan

VickiSam

Megan M said:

You are an evolving
You are an evolving butterfly, a beautiful and emotional soul! I have read and reread what you wrote and just love it!

I think you are a great writer, as everyone else wrote to you.

I think if you consider bc a gift, then you certainly have earned the right. I think we all have our interpretation of what bc has done for us, good and bad.

Thank you so much for sharing your touching words with us. I hope you write more on here.


Hugs, Megan

Kris .. gifted writer indeed ... WOW is all I can say,
as I have tears streaming down my face. Breast cancer as a gift, another take - I like it and agree.

Strength and Courage:

Vicki Sam

Skeezie

VickiSam said:

Kris .. gifted writer indeed ... WOW is all I can say,
as I have tears streaming down my face. Breast cancer as a gift, another take - I like it and agree.

Strength and Courage:

Vicki Sam

Kris I can't add anything that hasn't already been said
and way better than I could ever had said it. Hopefully you will continue writing, are you published?

As to that man....I was 28 yrs when I met my wonderful soul-mate and tomorrow is our Anniversary! There is one waiting for you too.

Hugs, Judy :-)

Wolfi

Evoling_butterfly said:

Not my story yet
I wrote this in 2006 and it came from watching my cousin, aunts, and mother go through cancer and relationships. I saw how cancer bought self-esteem down and defined womanhood. So at the time I wrote this I had no idea I would be diagnois with it 4 years later. I just wanted to share this because I feel we as women allow others and things to determine our worth.
So unfornately I haven't found my husband but if it's meant for me then it'll be. Thanks to everyone who has responed to my poem!!!

Meant to write
You were apparently meant to write this four years before your own diagnosis. I'm sure it really made you think about the different emotional, physical and mental aspects your family members had to deal with.

Great writing!

Wolfi