How to cheer up my depressed family and myself?

jess2010

Dear all,

Before we found out that my mum has cancer, my family had always been depressive. We are all loners. Have no friends. Stay home all the time. My dad has always been abusive, and my mum never stopped him from hurting me. Now that my mum has cancer, I feel the huge responsibility that I have to bear to take care of my family. However, I live far away from home as I always wanted to leave the house and have a stable job right now. Even when I go home visit, my dad is always bitter and complains about everything in life. I want to cheer them up but it seems impossible, as I cannot talk to them and hang out with them.

I feel so stuck and so helpless. I want to see a therapist, but my job does not allow workers to be mentally ill. Throughout my whole life I have always had mental issues.
I want to make friends but I don't trust people.
Maybe I am asking too much... could anyone please give me some guidance in this painful journey that we are going through?

Thank you so much.

ruthelizabeth

you can lead a horse to water....
My dad was always very depressed. My mom was wise. One day I told her I wished there were a way to make him happy. She said that in his own way he was. I understand that better now than I did then.

You can offer people all sorts of opportunities to be happy, but they have to be willing to be happy. If someone is content to be unhappy and depressed and miserable, nothing anyone can do or say will make them happy.

And sometimes happiness takes a lot of work to achieve. A lot of effort and commitment and focus. Believe me, I know.

I don't know about your parents, particularly your mother, but finding some happiness for yourself and letting her see you living a content, cheerful, satisfying life may give her a great deal of happiness, even if you never know that.

God bless you and your family. Don't beat yourself up if you can't change a situation that has been in place for so many years.

grandmafay

Not your Fault
You are not responsible for your family's happiness. You probably can't change them, but you can change how you respond to them. Your father is, by your own words, abusive. It sounds like he continues to be at least verbally abusive. His behavior is unacceptable, and you know that. I am glad you have taken yourself out of that house and situation. Now you need to take every step you can to take care of yourself. I am sorry that your mom has cancer. Your responsibility there is to assure yourself that she is getting the care she needs. Don't allow her illness to guilt you back into an abusive situation. None of this is your fault.

Now, about the counseling. You really do need to get some. Counseling can be very confidential. Your work need never know that you are receiving it. You do not sound mentally ill to me. So forget that, but a counselor can help you work through your concerns. Ask your dr for a referral and stress the importance of confidentiality. I am sure that something can be worked out. In today's world I find it hard to believe that employers don't appreciate the occasional need for counseling, but you know yours better than I do. So do what you think is best.

I know you want to make things better for your mom, but you can only do so much. The choices your parents make and have made are theirs. You make your own choices now, and you are now responsible only for your own happiness. Make the choices that make you happy. That is not selfishness. it is personal survival. You can choose to be happy and make friends. Step out of your comfort zone and try trusting others. First, though, you need to trust yourself. Think about the counseling. Your past as an abused child need not determine your future. Your parents' poor choices are theirs. Do what is right for you. Accept them for who they are and know that you can follow a different path. Set the example you want to follow, and let them know you love them. Don't feel guilty about their choices. Love yourself for the incredible person you are.

Ok, I have put my soap box away. I don't mean to lecture and I certainly don't have any real words of wisdom or all the answers. I want you to know that I am here and that I care. Take care, Fay

jess2010

grandmafay said:

Not your Fault
You are not responsible for your family's happiness. You probably can't change them, but you can change how you respond to them. Your father is, by your own words, abusive. It sounds like he continues to be at least verbally abusive. His behavior is unacceptable, and you know that. I am glad you have taken yourself out of that house and situation. Now you need to take every step you can to take care of yourself. I am sorry that your mom has cancer. Your responsibility there is to assure yourself that she is getting the care she needs. Don't allow her illness to guilt you back into an abusive situation. None of this is your fault.

Now, about the counseling. You really do need to get some. Counseling can be very confidential. Your work need never know that you are receiving it. You do not sound mentally ill to me. So forget that, but a counselor can help you work through your concerns. Ask your dr for a referral and stress the importance of confidentiality. I am sure that something can be worked out. In today's world I find it hard to believe that employers don't appreciate the occasional need for counseling, but you know yours better than I do. So do what you think is best.

I know you want to make things better for your mom, but you can only do so much. The choices your parents make and have made are theirs. You make your own choices now, and you are now responsible only for your own happiness. Make the choices that make you happy. That is not selfishness. it is personal survival. You can choose to be happy and make friends. Step out of your comfort zone and try trusting others. First, though, you need to trust yourself. Think about the counseling. Your past as an abused child need not determine your future. Your parents' poor choices are theirs. Do what is right for you. Accept them for who they are and know that you can follow a different path. Set the example you want to follow, and let them know you love them. Don't feel guilty about their choices. Love yourself for the incredible person you are.

Ok, I have put my soap box away. I don't mean to lecture and I certainly don't have any real words of wisdom or all the answers. I want you to know that I am here and that I care. Take care, Fay

Thank you ruthelizabeth and grandmafay
Your words mean a lot to me. grandmafay, you made some very good points. I am still trying to accept my parents for who they are. Really, thank you. God bless you.