Lost In Myselft And Reaching Out For Help

blue802

I should and do thank God for letting me live as long as i am,But somewhere I lost myself along the way though cancer,chemo therapy,No feelings in my hands and feet,server pain in my feet from chemo therapy in 2007 from PPC,and more chemo therapy in 2009 from colon cancer.I take methadone for pain from back fusion before cancer,and i am still on methadone.Last year i started smoking Cigarettes again after 23 years,and now i am smoking pot only at night because i cant sleep and i cant take sleeping pills.somewhere along the way i lost myself and i cant seem to find my way back home.I was told Aug of 2007 that i had primary pertinal cancer and that it was a rare cancer and if i went though chemo therapy that i could live another 56 mounts.Made it though and have been in remission since,I later found out that i had another cancer unrelated to my PPC.Went though another 6 mounts of chemo and was told that it was a stage 3 and still in remission from that.In the beginning i prayed to God please don't let me die,At least let me see that all three of my children are ok.All day i keep asking God for help,which brings me back to were i am today.I don't pray like i did before,and I just feel as though i have let myself go,I no that i need therapy,but my blue cross does not pay for mental health,and I really never talked about my cancer to anyone other my family,When i try i am told that I am find,But deep down inside i am scared as hell,Its gotten to the point were its hard to get out of bed and get myself moving,I stay in my room a lot,and i just feel apart from my family and friends.has anyone felt like this and if so how do you start caring about yourself again.Thanks once again for your help and support,your understanding,and for any help you can give me.God Bless you all.Mary

saundra

Hang in there
You have been through a lot. Are you taking anti-depressent? I am and think that it is a real help in my attitude. I also believe that God is totally in control of the number of days I have on Earth and then Heaven will be SO MUCH BETTER!!!!! Keeping that in mind keeps me out of the FEAR. Saundra

Tina Brown

Hello Mary
I too have PPC stage 4 - check out my profile by clicking on my picture.

I also am struggling with depression because the chemo only gave me a partial result and my CA 125 is 71. Its horrible waiting for it to come back as I know it will.

The depression is worse than the cancer and I am on anti-depressant and am seeing a counsellor. I have only had 3 sessions but she is amazing and I think it will work & I may be OK one day soon. Thats the thing with depression, you can see NOTHING in the future but bleakness and doom & gloom. I would go see your doctor and see if you can get some anti-depressants as they certainly take the edge off your anxiety and fear.

Take care Tina xx

azgrandma

Tina Brown said:

Hello Mary
I too have PPC stage 4 - check out my profile by clicking on my picture.

I also am struggling with depression because the chemo only gave me a partial result and my CA 125 is 71. Its horrible waiting for it to come back as I know it will.

The depression is worse than the cancer and I am on anti-depressant and am seeing a counsellor. I have only had 3 sessions but she is amazing and I think it will work & I may be OK one day soon. Thats the thing with depression, you can see NOTHING in the future but bleakness and doom & gloom. I would go see your doctor and see if you can get some anti-depressants as they certainly take the edge off your anxiety and fear.

Take care Tina xx

I am sorry to hear this
I think the chemo and the disease is enough to make you depressed. I went through my depression times also. God is there just reach out and ask him to help you

blue802

saundra said:

Hang in there
You have been through a lot. Are you taking anti-depressent? I am and think that it is a real help in my attitude. I also believe that God is totally in control of the number of days I have on Earth and then Heaven will be SO MUCH BETTER!!!!! Keeping that in mind keeps me out of the FEAR. Saundra

Thanks Saundra,
Dear Saundra,Thanks for your help,Yes thank God i just started taking lexapro about two weeks now and i have to give it a chance,Also I have been reading the boards and I cant believe what i am reading.First of all I have been in remission sense Jan.16th 2008 was told in Aug. of 2007 that i had PPC and did 6 mounts of chemo so the Doc. told me that you don't count the mounts of chemo when you start remission.But for the Grace of God I feel Blessed that I am not going though all that i am reading.It could be a lot worse.Yes I did get colon cancer in 2009 unrelated to my PPC,so I should thank God instead of feeling sorry for myself,Get off myself and try to help another person who has the same problem. some times we feeling sorry for ourselves until we see how bad some one else has it a lot worse then we .I hope that i can help some one out there.Love Mary PS,can you tell me how do i go into the chat room,every time i hit chat all that comes up is webmaster.

kayandok

blue802 said:

Thanks Saundra,
Dear Saundra,Thanks for your help,Yes thank God i just started taking lexapro about two weeks now and i have to give it a chance,Also I have been reading the boards and I cant believe what i am reading.First of all I have been in remission sense Jan.16th 2008 was told in Aug. of 2007 that i had PPC and did 6 mounts of chemo so the Doc. told me that you don't count the mounts of chemo when you start remission.But for the Grace of God I feel Blessed that I am not going though all that i am reading.It could be a lot worse.Yes I did get colon cancer in 2009 unrelated to my PPC,so I should thank God instead of feeling sorry for myself,Get off myself and try to help another person who has the same problem. some times we feeling sorry for ourselves until we see how bad some one else has it a lot worse then we .I hope that i can help some one out there.Love Mary PS,can you tell me how do i go into the chat room,every time i hit chat all that comes up is webmaster.

Dear Mary,
you are obviously a very strong woman to have overcome so much! I was dx 3 years ago with OvCa, had 4 surgeries and 27 doses of chemo. I am back in treatment right now, but doing well, and have a good quality of life. For me, the emotional and spiritual support has been a vital part, including the gals on this board. It is good that you are reacing out, Mary. I also wanted to mention that often times churches will have professional counselors that don't charge.

Don't hesitate to come back whenever you need to, to share your story.

Warm hugs,
kathleen

Hissy_Fitz

I can relate to much of what
I can relate to much of what you wrote. I had a spinal fusion in 2002 - from L4 to S1. Prior to the surgery I had unrelenting pain. In fact, what convinced me to have the surgery was the pain management doctor my orthopedist sent me to. He wanted to put me on Methadone and I decided I would rather have the surgery, which I had been putting off for 8 years. Now I can manage it with Tramadol, and usually no more than 2 or 3 of those per day. Was your fusion not successful?

My Cancer is Ovarian and stage IIIc. I was diagnosed a year ago this month and finished my initial treatment in Feb. I am currently getting maintenance chemo (Taxol) and that is every 4 weeks, until Jan of 2011. My CA125 was 4000 prior to surgery and now it bounces between 4 and 7. Like you, I am in remission. But in my mind, I still have Cancer. I'm just waiting for everyone else to realize that I still have Cancer.

I think it's perfectly fine to pray for healing, but you might consider praying for peace of mind, too. Not all of us will be granted a miraculous cure but God will help you find your center, and He will give you the strength to deal with your illness, if you ask Him.

Also, if you contact your local chapter of the American Cancer Society, they may be able to help with counseling. You have symptoms of depression, for sure, and though I elected not to take an antidepressant, I know that they do help some people deal with their diagnosis and treatment. When I was in the hospital they gave me something but all it did was make me sadder.

Medical marijuana isn't legal in my state, and I lost touch with my supplier about 40 years ago, but I know it helps relieve the nausea that a lot of us suffer with. I would be mindful, however, of taking so many "downers" all at once. I assume you know that numbness in the hands and feet is one of the side effects of Methadone. I'm guessing that chemo on top of Methadone therapy would pretty much guarantee it.

This is a wonderful place to find information and support. No one will ever judge you or blow off your concerns. We may seem a bit strange to our families and other friends, but not to anyone here. Sadly enough, this is what's normal to us now.

Carlene