Is This Horrible Guilt Justified??

Donnanva

Hi. I'm new here and have met some of you in chat. You all are so encouraging and generous.

My husband, Gary, was dx'd with nsclc 3 wks ago. After the initial shock wore off I have been having thoughts that I do not want to have. You see, Gary has screwed around on me for the entire 20 years of our marriage. He's distant and cold to me. Just last Sunday he pretended to go to work and went on a date.

I have been seeing a counselor who showed me that I had been emotionally abused throughout our marriage. I had decided to leave him! But then, the same day, we discovered his cancer!

So now I feel obgligated to help him as much as I can while at the same time I'm filled with such pain, anger and hurt for what he's done. Is there any way to resolve this in my head? It hurts from the confusion. Btw, it was only last Sunday I found out about him pretending to go to work and going on a date. It turned out he had done that 2 sundays in a row. But I have been very aware that he messed around on me with multiple people all the time.

I should also mention that I am disabled and Gary has made sure I ate, and taken me to numerous doctor's appts all this time. He always showed disgust and anger at me for being sick.

I don't want to feel guilty if he doesn't make it.

What should I do or how should I think?? Donna

PBJ Austin

My opinion
I'm not sure I'm qualified to counsel you but somehow I can't keep my mouth shut. Maybe that's because the answer seems so obvious (to me anyway) I know it isn't obvious to you.

If he has abused you and screwed around for 20 years, even as recently as last weekend, there is no reason you should put yourself through further abuse just because he has cancer. You have to look out for yourself and your own interests. You said he showed disgust and anger with you for being sick so why in the heck do you feel bad for leaving him? And if he doesn't make it then it has nothing to do with you. It is not within your control whether he lives or dies.

Good luck in your decision and please continue seeing your counselor. I think you need to learn how to stand up for yourself and to put yourself first and stop giving first priority to a man who mistreats you. I am speaking in the kindest way possible, I think you have some codepencency issues that need to be addressed.

You were very wise to seek help from a counselor, do keep it up. I hope I don't sound unkind, I really am speaking from concern and I do care.

All the best to you.

Donnanva

PBJ Austin said:

My opinion
I'm not sure I'm qualified to counsel you but somehow I can't keep my mouth shut. Maybe that's because the answer seems so obvious (to me anyway) I know it isn't obvious to you.

If he has abused you and screwed around for 20 years, even as recently as last weekend, there is no reason you should put yourself through further abuse just because he has cancer. You have to look out for yourself and your own interests. You said he showed disgust and anger with you for being sick so why in the heck do you feel bad for leaving him? And if he doesn't make it then it has nothing to do with you. It is not within your control whether he lives or dies.

Good luck in your decision and please continue seeing your counselor. I think you need to learn how to stand up for yourself and to put yourself first and stop giving first priority to a man who mistreats you. I am speaking in the kindest way possible, I think you have some codepencency issues that need to be addressed.

You were very wise to seek help from a counselor, do keep it up. I hope I don't sound unkind, I really am speaking from concern and I do care.

All the best to you.

PBJ
PBJ, I really appreciate your answer. I think I do agree with everything you said. I like a person who can say what they think.

Your answer made me feel a little better about my feelings, even if I do decide to help him through this. I know I shouldn't.

At the hospital where Gary had a broncoscapy he was laying on the table and they were sticking an IV in him with great trouble. Gary said that when he first lay down he started to feel guilty about all the times I have been in the hospital and went through it all by myself. I simply told him that yeah, it was hell. I remember telling him all of those times I was sick, that one day he would need me and then we'd see how he like being treated that way.

Well, revenge time has come but I don't want to be a bad person. I feel that I should help him through this but regardless of the outcome, when it's done I will most definately leave him or have him leave.

I do need to be a much stronger woman.

Anyway, thanks a lot, you did help me. Donna

PBJ Austin

Donnanva said:

PBJ
PBJ, I really appreciate your answer. I think I do agree with everything you said. I like a person who can say what they think.

Your answer made me feel a little better about my feelings, even if I do decide to help him through this. I know I shouldn't.

At the hospital where Gary had a broncoscapy he was laying on the table and they were sticking an IV in him with great trouble. Gary said that when he first lay down he started to feel guilty about all the times I have been in the hospital and went through it all by myself. I simply told him that yeah, it was hell. I remember telling him all of those times I was sick, that one day he would need me and then we'd see how he like being treated that way.

Well, revenge time has come but I don't want to be a bad person. I feel that I should help him through this but regardless of the outcome, when it's done I will most definately leave him or have him leave.

I do need to be a much stronger woman.

Anyway, thanks a lot, you did help me. Donna

I'm glad you feel a little better
I know you don't want revenge and I'm not suggesting you should leave him in order to punish him. I'm only suggesting to leave because you need to do what's best for YOU and not what's best for him. It sounds like you are a much stronger woman than you realize. Years ago I was in a bad marriage with a husband like yours and I wasn't strong enough to leave on my own, he finally left me. It was the best thing that could have happened to me but it didn't seem like it at the time. It's funny because it was obvious to all of my friends that the marriage should end but it certainly wasn't obvious to me. In that respect I know exactly how you feel. Sending you hugs and good wishes.