Am I a terrible daughter?

mafaldas

I already know my mom will, likely, die from brain cancer. And, I know it will probably happen soon, statistically over the next few months.

But, she lives overseas and cannot move to the United States for lack of health insurance. I give her all the support I can from a distance. For example, we speak on Skype two or three times per day; I call her doctors during appointments; and I have set up systems to remind her of her medication. My mom also has help (a maid and chauffeur), as well as the support of close family friends. I have also visited her five times since her cancer diagnosis at the beginning of the year.

I am married and live in the United States. To move back with my mom would require leaving my husband, my schooling, my career plans, and my home for an unspecified period of time. I also have serious heart issues--I recently had open heart surgery--and my doctors and surgeon are here.

I feel really selfish. I feel that a good daughter would put everything on hold and go home. But, I also need to think about my husband and about my future.

I don't know how to deal with this. Am I a terrible person?

John_32

I had a somewhat similar
I had a somewhat similar situation. My wife is Canadian and I am American. Right after we were married in late 2008, we both lost our jobs and she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Unemployment meant that I lost my health insurance, so that my wife could not be covered in she came to the US. So we maintained her apartment in Canada, and divided our time together between New York and Canada, being in Canada whenever she required treatment. Eventually I still didn't have work and lost my apartment, and had to stay with family whenever I was in the US looking for work. When my wife was diagnosed with brain metastasis in April, I immediately returned to Canada to be with her, even though I had very little money and it would make it more difficult to find a job immediately in the US. I simply needed to be by her side as she went though this, no matter what. And I would still be there now had not the cancer and/or the medication and treatments altered her into such a radically enraged person that she suddenly threw me out of her home for no reason. Her parents are now taking care of her and prohibit me from seeing her, believing that her rage had something to do with me and not the obvious side effects of taking massive doses of steroids and having a disease that is attacking the mind. So I have no contact with her now, and I have also read the statistics which say that someone in her condition usually has about 4-6 months, and it is past four months.

I guess the moral of the story is that I would still be with her, regardless of any other hardship, if her parents had not literally kidnapped her and blocked me from all contact. Particularly if you feel that your mother does not have long to live, surely your studies can be delayed for the time being while you deal with what is clearly an emergency in your lives. Brain cancer is major-it's one of those things where you just drop everything that you are doing in your life and deal with it. Your husband, if he truly cares about you, which I am sure he does, will understand that you need to be with your mother right now, that she needs family around her, not just family friends or a chauffeur. I'm truly sorry that you are going through this.

John

teacher9

You are not a terrible daughter
I do not think you are a terrible daughter. This is a very difficult decision you need to make. Neither choice is easy. Talk to your family, see where their mind it at, and then make a decision.

grandmafay

Not Selfish
As a mother, I can tell you that I would not want you to leave your life here. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to stay in touch and keep on top of the medical information that you need. My husband passed away last year after a six year battle with cancer. He wanted our sons to continue with their lives during his illness. He wanted to know that they were keeping their lives on track. Your mother is, I am sure, proud of you for your accomplishments. I doubt that she would want you to put your life on,hold for her. You have visited and I'm sure you will make the trip overseas when the doctors tell you that you need to do so. As long as you know that your mother is getting excellent care, you need not feel guilty or selfish. You are doing the best you can. Ask your mom how she feels. Tell her that you love her. I am sure you already have, but tell her again and again. She has obviously raised a wonderful daughter. Take care, Fay

ms.sunshine

grandmafay said:

Not Selfish
As a mother, I can tell you that I would not want you to leave your life here. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to stay in touch and keep on top of the medical information that you need. My husband passed away last year after a six year battle with cancer. He wanted our sons to continue with their lives during his illness. He wanted to know that they were keeping their lives on track. Your mother is, I am sure, proud of you for your accomplishments. I doubt that she would want you to put your life on,hold for her. You have visited and I'm sure you will make the trip overseas when the doctors tell you that you need to do so. As long as you know that your mother is getting excellent care, you need not feel guilty or selfish. You are doing the best you can. Ask your mom how she feels. Tell her that you love her. I am sure you already have, but tell her again and again. She has obviously raised a wonderful daughter. Take care, Fay

Your decision
When your mom passes away will you be able to go on okay, guilt free, if you don't go to help? Also ask mom. That way you will know exactly what she wants. I'm wishing you and your mom the very best.
Jennifer

Little_C

You are not a terrible person
I would not want my daughter to put her life on hold especially when: She comes to visit regularly, she has put a lot in place to not only stay informed but to help me out, and especially when she has serious heart issues and has had open heart surgery. As matter of fact it would scare me that she was putting so much stress on herself when she has her own medical issues to deal with. I would stay informed with the doctors so you will know when you are absolutely needed and at that point go. I would also speak with your mom openly and honestly and see what she says. Good luck with everything.

mafaldas

Thank you
Thank you for your kind words, everyone. Others are often to see our actions in a less critical light than we can.

In response to John_32 and Ms.Sunshine, I understand your point. I could not live with myself if I were not there for my mom at the end. I do plan to move in with her--to put everything on hold--once all treatment options are exhausted. I won't let her face what must be a frightening moment all alone.

But, my dilemma is what to do in the meantime. She could last the average, another six months. Or, she could be one of the lucky ones and have years to go. I could put everything on hold for a year, only to have the disease come back the minute I return to the United States. In the meantime, I am not there to help her with the daily setbacks and challenges of fighting brain cancer.

I wish I was one of those persons who could throw caution to the wind. Just put my marriage, career, and life on hold to go home for however long it takes. And, that is what makes me feel selfish. I feel like I am not doing enough.

A reasonable part of me understands what Grandma Fay and Little C said though: I know my mom would not want me to put my life on hold indefinitely. Just like when I had heart surgery a few weeks ago I insisted that none of my family members come visit me and insisted that my husband not sleep in the uncomfortable armchair in my room. But, I love my mom so much.

zinniemay

from a mom
Do not put our life on hold. I have a son and a daughter, they are my world, what I want is for them to know I love them with all my heart. I want them to do the things and have a life. I will not be there to hold their hand or to kiss their boo boos. They are my reason for life, I gave the life, I do not want to take it away. I want them to be happy , remeber me with happy thoughts and the good things. I would never want to take that away from them.
You have to do what is in your heart no one can do this for you. But know as a mother we want to protect our children from the bad in this life the hurt the pain. No way do we ever want them to feel they did not do enought or care. We know this, as a mother we just want to give our love, we want you to tell the things we taught you and learn from them, someday when or if you have children share memories of our life, Laugh and say "Oh Mom use to do this that way" or Mom would love this. In these things we are forever with you. and one day your children will say our mom did it this was cause grandmother taugh her to. Then I will know you remembered me with love.
Not meant to make you sad or cry only to understand a mothers love is a true gift to use in a way that honors her .
Peace be with you
Jennie

webbwife50

Hi
I am a cancer survivor, so far. When I was told I had cancer I encouraged my daughters to continue with their normal lives as much as possible. I would have felt guilty if they hadn't. Some of my greatest joys have come from seeing them start college and begin their adult lives. They called me daily and came to see me as often as they could. I did not need them to care for me, I have a beautifull husband who sees to my every need, even now. I think you should talk to your mom, my guess is she'll reassure you and you will feel better.
Loveingly,
Alison