Another funny....

Hissy_Fitz · August 2010

This was posted on Inspire.com by a lady in Australia. She gave this letter to her doctor just prior to her surgery. You have to admire her sense of humor.

Dear Professor Michael & Team,

Having perused your very impressive C.V’s I reckon you are more than up to the job, however I thought it prudent to put forward a few requests and suggestions:

No large surgical instruments left inside (very small ones and swabs are acceptable as they can be removed next time you go in ).

No uncomplimentary remarks when my denture is removed. I was born in Dimboola where anyone in my age group is lucky to have any teeth at all - our 105 year old dentist only trained in extractions.

The 60kg. weight estimate I gave Rebecca may be a bit out, not through vanity, but because when I was originally diagnosed with a front and rear prolapse, (??!!) I had to give up my bike riding for fear my uterus would drop out and have to kicked to the curb or, worse, get caught in the chain, hence my fitness level has dropped. Also with the “watermelon” and various other unwanted internal foreign objects (including cameras, spotlights, various cervical instruments and a couple missing gynecologists ) I think I have probably ballooned to about 200kg. This information may be helpful to the Anesthetist.

Any twittering or sniggering at my worn out, overworked uterus will not be appreciated - yours would be pretty ragged too if you carried 6lb triplets.

I am also very sensitive about golf talk whilst operating. I had a shonky epidural with the triplet caesarean and the doctors were so busy discussing their golfing prowess they ignored my cries of pain. I am ok with football & cricket.

If the ”gutting” is so extensive I am left with only a jelly belly, arms, legs and a head, don’t be too despondent, just insert two long titanium rods up my back with external loops. My brother is working on a stainless steel, state of the art bag trolley to get me around and requires the loops for attachment purposes. The only down side is that I will have to be transported on the back of the car with the tow ball up my rear end for stability (don’t want to sound ungrateful ).

If I have a colostomy bag, I would like one made of super strong material. I have seen an inferior one burst and it was not pretty. Being caught in the supermarket spraying unsavory bowel contents in the fruit and veggie section can leave psychological scars on other customers.

If for some reason you have to shorten me, please keep in mind I need to reach the kitchen benches (4ft would do it).

Kindest Regards,

Shirley