what to do when someone keeps saying they won't get cancer?

Donna70

Hi,
Just wondering if anyone on the board has ever encountered someone saying what you consider a really stupid remark to you regarding cancer? This person was visiting us before my surgery and said it and she continues to say it. Just had her here for a week and I keep shaking my head. She does not believe people should discuss negative things only positive things. My cancer of course is a negative. Then she goes on to say that she is convinced that she will never get cancer, my husband won't and his cousins won't. Because she is being positive. No matter what I reply she is convinced this is alright to say to me. I tried to say but I didn't walk around asking for EC. I am glad you are positive about this. My husband can't understand why she is like this. She is not being nasty or bad, she is really convinced of this but since I can't not see her, it tears me up. As she was leaving this morning, she said something about it again, I told her I certainly hope you don't get it, I would not wish this on anyone. Then, I just said, "You don't say that to a person with cancer." Left it at that. My family and friends all have been so supportive and I am grateful. We talk about everything, even my grandkids do. It is not all the time but their hearts are open to anything. Luckily, I will only encounter her several times a year. I am sure all of us have heard dumb remarks but the repetition is the part that hurts the most and no way can I convince her most people talk about good and bad in their lives and others and usually we comfort and say prayers for all that we have heard. Thanks for letting me vent. As in all cases this person means well and is not trying to hurt me.
Donna70

crystalbay

Oh Donna..........
Of course it's hurtful to hear anyone imply that getting cancer is within your control!!! How obtuse! My hunch is that she's so terrified of cancer (and you having it shoves this fear right in her face!), that her defense is to spout off about it. This is tactless, insensitive and deserves to be confronted, Donna. Just tell her, "Do you have any idea how hurtful it is to hear you saying over & over that it's somehow my fault that I have cancer????" Tell her to stop doing this immediately.

I still believe that what's beneath this rudeness is a whole lot of irrational fear. Consider engaging her in a dialogue about her fear of this dreaded disease rather than her beliefs that staying positive will safeguard her.

Good luck!!!

Crystalbay

paul61

We should feel sorry for her
Donna,

I am amazed that the person you are describing does not understand how hurtful her comments are. I have to assume she has had the good fortune to avoid a serious injury or health issue so far. I say “so far” because none of us gets to go through life without some unexpected and undeserved pain. I think having a positive outlook is important but I seriously doubt if it controls what happens to us in life. It does control how we respond to what happens to us in life and how much it affects us.

If I were you, I would be tempted to say, “I am POSITIVE”. I am POSITIVE you are one of the most insensitive people I have ever met. How would you feel if you were in a serious auto accident that put you in the hospital for months and it took you months to recover? What if your injuries affected your life from that point on, and I said “I will never be in an accident; I am a POSITIVE driver?

But you do have to feel sorry for her, because unfortunately sometime when she least expects it, life is going to correct her misunderstanding.

Knowing the kind of person you are Donna, I know you will resist the temptation to say “I told you so!!”

Best Regards,

Paul Adams
McCormick, South Carolina

DX 10/22/2009 T2N1M0 – Stage IIB
12/03/2009 Ivor Lewis
2/8 – 6/14/2010 Adjuvant Chemo Cisplatin, Epirubicin, 5 FU
6/21/2010 CT Scan NED

zinniemay

crystalbay said:

Oh Donna..........
Of course it's hurtful to hear anyone imply that getting cancer is within your control!!! How obtuse! My hunch is that she's so terrified of cancer (and you having it shoves this fear right in her face!), that her defense is to spout off about it. This is tactless, insensitive and deserves to be confronted, Donna. Just tell her, "Do you have any idea how hurtful it is to hear you saying over & over that it's somehow my fault that I have cancer????" Tell her to stop doing this immediately.

I still believe that what's beneath this rudeness is a whole lot of irrational fear. Consider engaging her in a dialogue about her fear of this dreaded disease rather than her beliefs that staying positive will safeguard her.

Good luck!!!

Crystalbay

right on
I am with you Crystalbay, I believe it is a way for her to deal with her fear of cancer. She is so afraid that she is denial.

Pghmomma

paul61 said:

We should feel sorry for her
Donna,

I am amazed that the person you are describing does not understand how hurtful her comments are. I have to assume she has had the good fortune to avoid a serious injury or health issue so far. I say “so far” because none of us gets to go through life without some unexpected and undeserved pain. I think having a positive outlook is important but I seriously doubt if it controls what happens to us in life. It does control how we respond to what happens to us in life and how much it affects us.

If I were you, I would be tempted to say, “I am POSITIVE”. I am POSITIVE you are one of the most insensitive people I have ever met. How would you feel if you were in a serious auto accident that put you in the hospital for months and it took you months to recover? What if your injuries affected your life from that point on, and I said “I will never be in an accident; I am a POSITIVE driver?

But you do have to feel sorry for her, because unfortunately sometime when she least expects it, life is going to correct her misunderstanding.

Knowing the kind of person you are Donna, I know you will resist the temptation to say “I told you so!!”

Best Regards,

Paul Adams
McCormick, South Carolina

DX 10/22/2009 T2N1M0 – Stage IIB
12/03/2009 Ivor Lewis
2/8 – 6/14/2010 Adjuvant Chemo Cisplatin, Epirubicin, 5 FU
6/21/2010 CT Scan NED

Donna
You know what, we hear this EVERYDAY as well. Sad to say it but my dad's brother would say this all the time. Stomach issues run in the family. He already has barrets and his reason why he will NEVER get the C word is because he is on top of his health. ummm HELLO as if my father wasnt. He was on top of his health too. He was only allowed to get scoped every 2 years. They did his scope a year after his last one that was clean only to find the Cancer. People like this really make me SICK.

Right now things are very rocky with us because of the things he says. But I always think Each to their own and if that is how you feel then god bless you.

Tina

Donna70

Pghmomma said:

Donna
You know what, we hear this EVERYDAY as well. Sad to say it but my dad's brother would say this all the time. Stomach issues run in the family. He already has barrets and his reason why he will NEVER get the C word is because he is on top of his health. ummm HELLO as if my father wasnt. He was on top of his health too. He was only allowed to get scoped every 2 years. They did his scope a year after his last one that was clean only to find the Cancer. People like this really make me SICK.

Right now things are very rocky with us because of the things he says. But I always think Each to their own and if that is how you feel then god bless you.

Tina

thanks
Hi,
Thanks for everyone's input. Yes, I do think it is fear. If it was someone I could avoid I would. I tried educating and saying how people need to get out what is going on with them. To me, I want my friends to tell me if they are worried and need to talk and I hear many stories that are not happy ones, so I pray for them and try to see what I can do. Tina, your story makes me especially sad. Maybe you need to just turn a deaf ear to what your uncle is saying. I am convinced people do not say this stuff to hurt or upset people but are just clueless how this makes the person and their loved ones feel. I like your last sentence and maybe I will try it. "Well if that is how you feel, God bless you." I might try it. Also, just cutting the subject short and go on to something less hurtful would help too. Thanks all of you, especially for letting me vent my "negative" feelings. take care, prayers always,
Donna70

MOE58

Donna70 said:

thanks
Hi,
Thanks for everyone's input. Yes, I do think it is fear. If it was someone I could avoid I would. I tried educating and saying how people need to get out what is going on with them. To me, I want my friends to tell me if they are worried and need to talk and I hear many stories that are not happy ones, so I pray for them and try to see what I can do. Tina, your story makes me especially sad. Maybe you need to just turn a deaf ear to what your uncle is saying. I am convinced people do not say this stuff to hurt or upset people but are just clueless how this makes the person and their loved ones feel. I like your last sentence and maybe I will try it. "Well if that is how you feel, God bless you." I might try it. Also, just cutting the subject short and go on to something less hurtful would help too. Thanks all of you, especially for letting me vent my "negative" feelings. take care, prayers always,
Donna70

Your not being negative
You are just telling the truth, nobody knows when it might hit them until you deal with it or your family deal with it. I am with Tina, smile and GOD bless you, and move on, someday it will strike that person. My motto always goes like this

WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND!!!! SO hang tight.

MOE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MOE58

Donna70 said:

thanks
Hi,
Thanks for everyone's input. Yes, I do think it is fear. If it was someone I could avoid I would. I tried educating and saying how people need to get out what is going on with them. To me, I want my friends to tell me if they are worried and need to talk and I hear many stories that are not happy ones, so I pray for them and try to see what I can do. Tina, your story makes me especially sad. Maybe you need to just turn a deaf ear to what your uncle is saying. I am convinced people do not say this stuff to hurt or upset people but are just clueless how this makes the person and their loved ones feel. I like your last sentence and maybe I will try it. "Well if that is how you feel, God bless you." I might try it. Also, just cutting the subject short and go on to something less hurtful would help too. Thanks all of you, especially for letting me vent my "negative" feelings. take care, prayers always,
Donna70

Your not being negative
You are just telling the truth, nobody knows when it might hit them until you deal with it or your family deal with it. I am with Tina, smile and GOD bless you, and move on, someday it will strike that person. My motto always goes like this

WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND!!!! SO hang tight.

MOE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!