In Limbo

LanaKaye

I was diagnosed over a month ago, finally had surgery (lumphdectomy)last thursday w/3 lymph node removals. Now have to wait until this coming Thursday to see surgeon & get drains removed. They know I am going to have chemo & rad yet why didn't they put the port in at the time of surgery.

Some of the staff & family are making light of it, like I have a cold or something, what's with that? I don't understand, they said yesterday it was good news , so I'm thinking it was negative on the nodes, they tell me it's good news, the sentinal node is the one that is positive and the margin is clean. Great , the margin is clean, but the node is scaring the hibbey jibbeys out of me.

Remove bandages last night (just me & hubby) why is it that they don't realize how traumatizing all of this can be. I still don't know what stage I am in, nor the extent of the cancer. Somebody better have some answers Thurs.

I already have a history of cancer (uterus 36 yrs ago)so needless to say I'm running scared, but yet, I am feeling so many emotions that it is driving me crazy. Am I over reacting. Am I going to pull through this, so many thoughts, how does one shut down ones brain.

24242

Still not good at that
I think they just don't want to scare us mostly. I had a grandmother to look at after her mastectomy and when I had mine mine was a dream compared to what they did to her. I have survived 14 years when my grandmother barely made 10 years.
Doctors didn't care about her history when I found my first lump because my paternal grandmother but I always checked and remember her battle though I was very young. Life went on for her as it did for me and you..
I am sorry you have to face another fight but the answer is yes you will and just being grateful and reminding ourselves of all the things we should be grateful for can take the sting out of many things. Get back to the simplicity of life and I found weeding and gardening and hearing the noises of life made such a difference in how I truly felt. Where there is a garden there is HOPE. This line stuck with me.
Hope you find your way to the calm mind and fill yourself with happiness is the key.
Haven't been able to get that one yet but still trying.
Tara

aisling8

waiting sucks
It's crazy-making. Even if it's bad, I want to know what's going on with me. I become almost impossible to live with when I'm waiting for test results so I can really relate to your post.

I waited two months for surgery to happen (lumpectomy with sentinel node biopsy), waited two weeks for pathology report, waited weeks and weeks for Oncotype results, more weeks for BRCA. It's horrible, all this waiting. Once I know things and there's a game plan, well, fine, I'll accept it and go do it, but limbo is awful.

All I can suggest is try to keep busy, sometimes I literally yelled out "Not gonna think about it," when my mind inevitable returned to the endless what if's. Just know there's a lot of us here who understand and have empathy. We'll keep you company while you wait:)

xoxo
Victoria

heidijez

we are all very unique. . .
so my experience could be very different from yours. i went through my first course of chemo (taxotere and cytoxan) without a port. I am now going through a second course of chemo (adriamycin and cytoxan) with a port. I had no problems without the port, but have to admit it is much easier with the port.

Yes, I agree, they really don't prepare us for when we remove the bandages. I haven't had my big surgery yet, just an additional lymph node removal. When I got home from the hospital and pulled off my sweater, I was shocked at how ugly and bruised I was. My surgeon went on vacation for a week and during that time I came down with a raging infection. When she finally saw me for the first time, she said I was not bruised when I left the hospital - it was outpatient surgery - what did I do on the drive home? And then she yelled at me that I had an infection - she said no one ever had an infection after her surgeries. Needless to say, she is no longer my surgeon.

I wish I had some advice on how to shut down your brain - I know exactly what you mean.

Just know that we are all on this journey with you - there is a wealth of knowledge that the ladies (and few gents) are happy to share. We are here to comfort, to share, to vent. . .

Hang in there. . . you can get through this!

Chickadee1955

heidijez said:

we are all very unique. . .
so my experience could be very different from yours. i went through my first course of chemo (taxotere and cytoxan) without a port. I am now going through a second course of chemo (adriamycin and cytoxan) with a port. I had no problems without the port, but have to admit it is much easier with the port.

Yes, I agree, they really don't prepare us for when we remove the bandages. I haven't had my big surgery yet, just an additional lymph node removal. When I got home from the hospital and pulled off my sweater, I was shocked at how ugly and bruised I was. My surgeon went on vacation for a week and during that time I came down with a raging infection. When she finally saw me for the first time, she said I was not bruised when I left the hospital - it was outpatient surgery - what did I do on the drive home? And then she yelled at me that I had an infection - she said no one ever had an infection after her surgeries. Needless to say, she is no longer my surgeon.

I wish I had some advice on how to shut down your brain - I know exactly what you mean.

Just know that we are all on this journey with you - there is a wealth of knowledge that the ladies (and few gents) are happy to share. We are here to comfort, to share, to vent. . .

Hang in there. . . you can get through this!

I don't want to sound too
I don't want to sound too simplistic, but what helped me was making little signs that I surrounded myself with. For instance, in front of my computer I made a sign that says
"Today I Choose: Life, Love, Forgiveness, Joy, Peace "
I also changed all my computer passwords to uplifting words or phrases.

When I was sent a horrible book about cancer from a very well-meaning daughter, I just thanked her and put it away without reading it after the first few pages.

In other words, I have tried to make a conscience effort to seek out my blessings (which are many) and focus on those when my mind wants to run to the fear and uncertainty. When I am faced with negative thoughts or people, I try to disengage as soon as possible and recite what is RIGHT with my life. I, too, have a garden I tend and four small dogs that I hold and pet and talk to when I'm sad.

I am by no means minimizing your feelings. You may want to seek counseling as well as whatever supportive meds your doctor prescribes, but some of these might help a little.

Best Regards and HANG IN THERE!

Chickadee