Have to leave for awhile

herdizziness

When I came here, I felt my death sentence. I was told I had 6 months. That's in August. I'll certainly live past that. My expiration date won't be.
However, so many deaths and near deaths have taken their toll with my soul.
I can't even respond to the deaths and to the ones in hospice. My eyes tear up, I sob for their beings, for them leaving this world, because, truly, none of us are ready to leave. I'm afraid that my solace is for them, to avoid the thoughts of me.
My words earlier, posted on "Can you think this can be beat", ring hollow in my head now.
I deny what I said, take them, print them out, then throw them in the garbage. That's where my words of hope should lie.
Craig was my hope, in some sort of strange way, he fights so hard, yet we hear not a word.
I'm merely human, and my soul hurts at the moment.

KathiM

I know.....
It's a very hard thing....

You must live your life in whatever way makes you happy!

When I first started working with newly dx'ed people, I was cautioned that I needed to take care of keeping MY space separate, not identify too closely to the friends I was helping. Not compare too much to my own experience, because I could stop living my life, based on something called 'survivor's guilt'. It's a normal feeling, this....

You have worked very, very hard to win your life back from the beast GO OUT AND LIVE IT!!!

We will be here, if and when you need us, for whatever reason, sweet soul!

The best to you is what I wish for...

Hugs, Kathi

John23

KathiM said:

I know.....
It's a very hard thing....

You must live your life in whatever way makes you happy!

When I first started working with newly dx'ed people, I was cautioned that I needed to take care of keeping MY space separate, not identify too closely to the friends I was helping. Not compare too much to my own experience, because I could stop living my life, based on something called 'survivor's guilt'. It's a normal feeling, this....

You have worked very, very hard to win your life back from the beast GO OUT AND LIVE IT!!!

We will be here, if and when you need us, for whatever reason, sweet soul!

The best to you is what I wish for...

Hugs, Kathi

Kathi -

"You must live your life in whatever way makes you happy!

When I first started working with newly dx'ed people, I was
cautioned that I needed to take care of keeping MY space
separate, not identify too closely to the friends I was helping.
Not compare too much to my own experience, because I could stop
living my life, based on something called 'survivor's guilt'.
It's a normal feeling, this...."

Well said!

As terrible as it sounds, there's a feeling that if one does too well
and tells anyone at all, it will jinx the good fortune.

The real fact is, that not one of us knows if we will succeed or fail
in our fight against cancer, regardless of what we do to fight it.

My mother lived over 14 years beyond her lung cancer prognosis,
thanks to good surgical techniques. My friend died a month beyond
his colon cancer prognosis of 9 months, and he was stage 1...

The staging doesn't seem to matter, nor do the types of treatments
(from what we can witness here). But we shouldn't try to relate
what's happening to others, with what's going on with us.

I may die sooner than others, or I may live longer, but my path
taken; my choices of care, really may not matter one iota in the
whole scheme of things.

I too, was about to take a sabbatical from this board, due to the
all too many reports of misfortune with this disease. It makes one
wonder: "Is it my turn next?"

It's partly "survivor's guilt", and mostly the knowledge that cancer
cells do what they do indiscriminately; they are staying alive just
as we are, in any way they can.

It's a tough battle regardless if you think you've "made it", or are
waiting for that day they tell you, that you have..... Because until
the day we die, we will never have proof we have succeeded.

I personally cringe when I see people doing the "happy dance" and rallying
with a report of "NED".

NED only means: "No Evidence of Disease", and only relates to the
fact that they didn't detect any single cancer cells or small clusters with
their last scans; it does not mean the cancer is gone from your body.

The fact that individual cancer cells cannot be seen with present
technology seems to get overlooked in one's haste to rally.

The fight is continuous, and should be. Dietary and life-style changes
may or may not help, but staying healthy should be the top priority.

We can't fight anything, if we don't do our best to keep our body
and our immune system to it's peak. That, should be our biggest
concern; our biggest battle: Staying healthy in spite of cancer.

Better health to all.

John

christinecarl

I went back to read your
I went back to read your response to "Do You Think This Can Be Beat" I think maybe you could print it off but not throw it out. Take the break you need from here and clear your head, hold that grandbaby and just try to put cancer aside for awhile. We all have our days (as I was when I posted that thread) it is impossible to always see the big picture. Perhaps the fact that August is coming up soon is weighing heavy on your heart. I hope you feel better soon and can find some light in the darkness. Take care {{hugs}}

Unknown

This comment has been removed by the Moderator

lisa42

sending hugs your way
I'm sorry you're hurting so much now. Unfortunately, it is a reality when dealing with cancer. We just wish it wouldn't be so and that all we know fighting cancer could completely beat it. Some DO- so don't think that because some have passed away that we're all completely doomed. It's just hard to know.
Take the needed break from the board and from all things related to cancer- go out and live life to the fullest! I have taken breaks here and there when needed too. I always come back again, though. Somehow I'm just drawn here. You may or may not be too- do what is best for your emotional well being.

Take care, dear-
Lisa

Buzzard

lisa42 said:

sending hugs your way
I'm sorry you're hurting so much now. Unfortunately, it is a reality when dealing with cancer. We just wish it wouldn't be so and that all we know fighting cancer could completely beat it. Some DO- so don't think that because some have passed away that we're all completely doomed. It's just hard to know.
Take the needed break from the board and from all things related to cancer- go out and live life to the fullest! I have taken breaks here and there when needed too. I always come back again, though. Somehow I'm just drawn here. You may or may not be too- do what is best for your emotional well being.

Take care, dear-
Lisa

Just make sure that you check back in every year or two...
Thats all we ask......Love and Hope to you...