Emotional Hell on A Rollercoaster

virtual_voyager

That's what my days fell like now. Not knowing what the dr knows and what she knows. I know what it is, where it is and what it's doing to her body. She is a nurse, worked in a hospital for close to 30 yrs. She knows what's coming and doesn't say anything.

I'm a granite rock when we are together. She still works part-time, but the toll physically, emotionally and the medications every day are taking the woman I adore away from me.

When I'm alone and my thoughts are of her and what she is enduring now and what is to come my heart doesn't break, it gets ripped out of my chest.

To go from a cheerful, adoring and attentive husband when together and then have all the anger, frustration and helplessness rise at night after she's gone to bed is a hell on earth second only to the hell a loved one with terminal cancer endures.

I gently open the door when I know she's asleep and listen to her soft breaths. I count each one like the petals from the daisies in her garden. I want to know why this flower is being destroyed but life isn't talking and whatever god there may be won't answer.

Sometimes I can't even think. Everything just pinballing around in my head in fragmented thoughts to the point of nothing makes sense and I feel like I'm lost with no shelter from the approaching storm of uncertainty.

I feel a bitterness about life that I haven't felt before and I fear it will grow even more as her health deteriorates and her time grows shorter.

No, I will not allow her to see or hear these feelings. She has enough on her mind. I'll be whatever she needs until the 12th of Never.

Gotta go now, I've got circles to walk.

VV

zinniemay

Could not have said it better
I could not have said it better, I do the same thing with my husband, My mind is so filled with all these thought that run together in a endless sea. I run ever time he coughs, or I ask if he is ok when he gets up in the nite.
Today is his birthday and I wondered well you can guess , As hard as I want to be happy I am still so sad. Bitterness with life Oh I fill that too.

whichwitch

ohh wow so well said. Just
ohh wow so well said. Just what we do with my beloved sister who is dying of cancer. High on morphine and xanax and bed ridden and crazy thoughts in her poor little brain. Yes, more circles to walk and walk. thank you for sharing