Just found out Sister has cancer........

regina.parks

Well, just found out my little sister Cindy(she's 30) has cancer....We fell out 2 months ago over some family issues and now I'm looking back to the fight and just feel so disgusted with myself. She was in pain then and didn't tell anyone. She was hurting and kept it to herself. She needed us, needed our support and I was so consumed with the unfairness going on in my own life I didn't recognize her cries for help. So I'm at a comedy show last night and my friend calls me outside and tells me the news. She received the news from her mom who was contacted by my mother. Cindy tried to tell my mother everything was okay but when my mother continued to ask questions, she broke down and told her. She's going through chemo and doesn't want anyone to see her at her current state. I've been trying to contact her, so is everyone else, but she's not talking to anyone. What do I do-do I just fly down there next weekend and show up her her doorstop? I've sent her a message on Facebook and no reply. I've left several messages to include text and nothing. I just want to hug her and let her know she can count on my support and doesn't have to do this by herself. She is by herself in Florida. She spoke to my other sister and told her she's fine, she's going through chemo, and she's doing well. Yet she's quitting her job and moving back to Montana in December-a job she worked very hard for. I think she's trying to downplay her current state to protect us. Please advice. I don't know what to do. Please help!!

Hissy_Fitz

Wow, Regina.....that's a tough one
I certainly can't tell you what your best course of action is, but first of all, you need to stop beating yourself up. Those things (familial falling outs) happen. Yours and your sister's was just really unfortunate timing.

Some people are very private and really don't want anyone around while they deal with chemo - with the side effects and the hair loss, etc. It obviously has nothing at all to do with what passed between you and your sis, since she did not tell your mom without a lot of "fishing".

Face Book is not, to me, the place to fight or make up. That should be done in a more private venue. I would e mail and keep calling. Just say, "I am heartbroken because my sister is so far away, in so many ways. Please let me back into your life." Definitely do not show up on her doorstep. I didn't like surprises before the cancer and I certainly don't like them now. No one except my husband has seen me without a wig or hat on since my hair started falling out. Silly or not, I'm just not comfortable with flashing my naked bald head around. (Before I got sick, I used to joke that I didn't even go out to check the mail without my makeup on, but there was more truth to that than jest.)

If your sister has ovarian cancer, she has probably had surgery and knows the stage of her disease. Maybe your mom can help you learn the details. If she has stage I or II, there is a good chance she will be able to finish treatment and go on with her life, none the worse for wear. Stage III and IV are, unfortunately, more complicated.

As hard as it is, you have to let your sister be in charge of this. It's her life....her information....her decision. The important thing is to reconcile your differences with her, because no one wants that hanging over them when a loved one is ill. Something like cancer sure has a way of bringing things into focus, doesn't it? All those petty things that were soooooooo urgent and sooooooooo important a few months ago suddenly become ridiculously unimportant.

Carlene
I cannot change the wind, but I can adjust my sails

Barbara53

go
Regina, if you have the means to do so, just go. Nobody should be alone during the 1st line chemo given for this disease. You look terrible, feel terrible, and definitely need someone to bring you hugs, milk shakes, pain pills, whatever. If you wake up in the morning thinking you should go, it's probably your heart talking. Don't wait for permission or an invitation that may never come.

regina.parks

Hissy_Fitz said:

Wow, Regina.....that's a tough one
I certainly can't tell you what your best course of action is, but first of all, you need to stop beating yourself up. Those things (familial falling outs) happen. Yours and your sister's was just really unfortunate timing.

Some people are very private and really don't want anyone around while they deal with chemo - with the side effects and the hair loss, etc. It obviously has nothing at all to do with what passed between you and your sis, since she did not tell your mom without a lot of "fishing".

Face Book is not, to me, the place to fight or make up. That should be done in a more private venue. I would e mail and keep calling. Just say, "I am heartbroken because my sister is so far away, in so many ways. Please let me back into your life." Definitely do not show up on her doorstep. I didn't like surprises before the cancer and I certainly don't like them now. No one except my husband has seen me without a wig or hat on since my hair started falling out. Silly or not, I'm just not comfortable with flashing my naked bald head around. (Before I got sick, I used to joke that I didn't even go out to check the mail without my makeup on, but there was more truth to that than jest.)

If your sister has ovarian cancer, she has probably had surgery and knows the stage of her disease. Maybe your mom can help you learn the details. If she has stage I or II, there is a good chance she will be able to finish treatment and go on with her life, none the worse for wear. Stage III and IV are, unfortunately, more complicated.

As hard as it is, you have to let your sister be in charge of this. It's her life....her information....her decision. The important thing is to reconcile your differences with her, because no one wants that hanging over them when a loved one is ill. Something like cancer sure has a way of bringing things into focus, doesn't it? All those petty things that were soooooooo urgent and sooooooooo important a few months ago suddenly become ridiculously unimportant.

Carlene
I cannot change the wind, but I can adjust my sails

Thank you
Thank you so much for your advice. The texting and calling worked, she called me this morning. She's going through Chemo and what I gather is she's in Stage 2. She's so young and it breaks my heart that she has such a difficult road ahead of her. She's thinking about moving back to Montana but I've asked her to come here so she's close to family. I'm just so fortunate she decided to call.

You are so right, the petty things that seemed to engulf my world a few months ago seem so minor compared to this. Thank you again for all your words-it makes so much sense and it gives me some insight to how she feels, even though she hasn't relayed them to me.

I've always been the glue in our family, keeping us together and taking care of everyone and this, I don't know where to start or what to do. I know God doesn't give you more than what you can handle and I'll understand down the road but I think I'm still in shock. My baby sister has Cancer. She has cancer.

I'm here when she needs me and if she needs time, she will have it to herself. I just want to be involved in some shape and will take your advice-don't take it personally if she doesn't want me around.

Carlene, thank you again for your kind and strong words. They've really helped.

Regina

regina.parks

Barbara53 said:

go
Regina, if you have the means to do so, just go. Nobody should be alone during the 1st line chemo given for this disease. You look terrible, feel terrible, and definitely need someone to bring you hugs, milk shakes, pain pills, whatever. If you wake up in the morning thinking you should go, it's probably your heart talking. Don't wait for permission or an invitation that may never come.

Thank you
Thank you so much for your kind words. If I hadn't heard from my sister this morning I would have been on a flight this weekend. She's such a strong person, always doing things on her own. Carlene gave me some insight on what and how she is probably feeling and I wanted to respect that. But at the same time, I want to ensure she has some sort of support. I've invited her to come and stay with me and hopefully she takes my offer.
Thank you again for your kind words,
Regina

Tina Brown

regina.parks said:

Thank you
Thank you so much for your kind words. If I hadn't heard from my sister this morning I would have been on a flight this weekend. She's such a strong person, always doing things on her own. Carlene gave me some insight on what and how she is probably feeling and I wanted to respect that. But at the same time, I want to ensure she has some sort of support. I've invited her to come and stay with me and hopefully she takes my offer.
Thank you again for your kind words,
Regina

Hi Regina
Your story touched a cord in me. My sister lives 120 miles away from me but has been very distant since I got diagnosed. In fact she didn't visit me until she HAD to come up for a family party after my last chemo.

Now I am a very tolerant person and know how difficult it was for her when I was diagnosed (we lost our mum to cancer the year before) but I could've done with her around me & she didn't come.

So I am so glad you and your sister have settled any differences you had and are now back in touch and you can be there for her. Even if she doesn't say it, she will be so pleased by your presence. It will be her comfort and reassurance.

Keep us posted on her progress.

Tina xx