Reflections On A Life - My Husband

cbcardb12

It's been nearly a month since CB passed away and I can say that I think I am coping. Some days are better than others. I friend sent me a book on grief, and in it someone describe the feeling as standing in the ocean and feeling the waves wash up on you, nearly knocking you down, and then moving away and coming back. That kind of is how it feels. Some days I am fine, laughing, talking, eating, feeling joy. Then all of a sudden, I feel waves of sorrow and grief wash over me. Some commercial, or a picture, or a thought that I need to go to Home Depot for something will nearly bring me to my needs, and I will find myself crying and asking why he had to leave me. During the last month of his life, it was like the worst of times and the best of times. The doctors had told CB that there was nothing they could do. We got 2nd opinions that said the same thing. CB told our family and friends about the prognosis, and I spent days being mad at him for choosing death over life. My sister-in-law sent us over 50 pages of healing scriptures. We were raised as Baptists, and neither of us ever knew that you could ask God for a healing. But we did. We prayed, we praised, we talk to God day and night. We watched testimonies of healing, we listened to songs of praise and worship. In the process, our relationship became deeper and more meaningful. We had never, ever been as close as we were during that time. I had made a vow to talk about everything, to ask all the questions that I wanted to ask. All those questions I was afraid to ask my mom: Are you afraid to die? Do you believe in heaven and hell? And many others. He talked, he answered them all, and offered even more. He talked to our sons, told them about the warrantee on his truck, he told them to take care of me, to be strong for me. About 2 weeks before his death, I was talking with a friend, and I think I was worrying about how we were asking God for CB to be healed, that as children of Christ it was our right, and that even when the body is weak, and you think you can't stand anymore, you still stand up and thank God for his healing. I was scared. His body was getting weaker. My friend, cautiously responded that maybe what we were doing, all the praying and praising wasn't about a physical healing but rather a spiritual healing in preparation of CB going to heaven. That hurt me so bad. The human, selfish part of me only wanted my husband to heal and to stay here with me. But of course, she was absolutely correct. CB was so at peace. He told me that he wasn't afraid. He had repented all his sins, he felt like he had had a good life, had tried to be the best person, husband, father, son, sibling and friend that he could be. His only worry was for his family, and he handled that by talking to his friends and family and asking them to keep a look out for us, to help me when I was sad, to fix things around the house, to just be there for us. That was CB. Still taking care of business! On Sunday, May 30th, the doctor told us that the time was getting close, and we needed to start saying our good-byes. We did. We talked to him, we touched him, we simply sat with him, we prayed with him. I told everyone that I could not stand the thought of being there when he took his last breaths. That I hadn't been there when my parents passed away, and I knew I couldn't do that with him. On Memorial Day, I got to the hospice at 1pm with every intention of staying until about 9pm. Our neighbors and my cousin came by to say their good-byes and then I just sat there with him. The facility manager had told me that he sensed me in the room, and that although he wasn't speaking, he knew I was there. After they left, I just say there for awhile, working on my laptop and just talking to him. Then all of a sudden, I knew. I knew that he would leave me that day. I got scared. I had to leave. I felt like the hounds of hell were after me. I packed up my laptop, and stood up. Calmed myself, and walked over to him, sat down on the bed, and kissed him on the cheek and forehead. I whispered in his ear that I loved him more than anything, that we were going to be ok, that it was time for him to let go. I told him to tell my Mama and Daddy and his Dad hello, and for him to rest. I walked out of his room and went home. At 9:15pm, I called to check on him, and the nurse said that he was resting. She said that he had been moaning some earlier, and they had given him morphine. She really wanted to give him Ativan to calm him down, but you can only give it to him every 6 hrs, and it wasn't time. I told her I would call back before I went to bed. Less than 15 minutes later, she called back. She said that she had gone in to check on CB and he was taking his last breaths, that he had passed away peacefully. I told her we would be right there. He looked like he was sleep, that's all. No pain, no weariness, just healing sleep. We stayed with him for about and hour, said good-bye one last time, and left him forever. After that, there was just a lot of taking care of business. He wanted to be cremated, and he was. Plans had to be made, people had to be called, everything in preparation of ending a life. I am such a strong person. Always have been. I didn't fall apart when my parents passed away. I had too much to get done. I have 4 brothers, and really, they fell apart immediately when our parents passed, so I had no choice. My time came long after. With my husband, it's different. I don't feel strong. I feel like I'm barely hanging on. It hit me again tonight. I picked up my phone to call someone, and couldn't think of a single person that I thought could help me. I knew that I would end up trying to make them feel better. I'm trying not to be a burden on anyone. I don't want people worrying about me, so I decided to write this to my cyber family. I have received such care and concern from you all. I wanted you to know that I hadn't forgotten about this place in space. I want to thank you all for listening to me (through words), for offering prayers and positive thoughts and advice. I'll never forget my time here, and I promise to come back again to update you on our progress and to offer comfort to others in need.

Thanks for everything,

Carolyn

Sundanceh

Carolyn & CB
Carolyn

You have a beautiful way that you articulate your feelings and bring us all into your world. That is a gift. Your feelings are just mesmerizing and I'm trying to think of something to say, but words seems so inadequate at a time like this.

I feel as though I've been on part of this journey with you, watching from the sidelines and listening to what you've had to say.

You are indeed a strong woman - I cannot imagine how one feels with the loss of a spouse - I've ready so many of our folks here describe it. You have such a soft delivery of telling your story even though your pain is great.

I hope that time and space will lighten your load, but one does not easily replace the love of their life. If there is any consolation, it is that you both got "advanced notice" and were able to have those long, meaningful talks and share your feelings and wishes. So many people never get that chance to do so.

I wish nothing but the best for you and wish I could somehow ease your pain. Perhaps, just by being here and hearing you, I have done my small part. I was about to go to bed and I checked in again and saw your post - felt I had to take a moment out and respond.

Sometimes, when you throw a life line out, it's nice to have someone out there to grab hold of it, even in cyberspace.

Thank you so much for pouring your heart out and letting us all in. CB sounds like a great guy all the way around. From your description, I wish I could have known him a little.

Warmest wishes,
Craig

lisa42

thank you for sharing
Carolyn,

I'm glad you chose to share and write out your experience and feelings here. Sometimes it is hard to tell such things to people who are close to you. I'm glad you had us cyber friends to share your heart with. I found myself smiling and welling up with tears at the same time when I read all that you wrote. Smiling, because CB died so peacefully and because you seemed to sense it all at the end too. I know it's going to be so hard. My mother in law just lost her husband after being married many years- not to cancer, but still a loss, the same. She has good days and days where something will trigger the tears, as you also described. That is very normal, of course. It will take time, of course. Time will never erase the memories or the emotions involved, but believe it or not, it will hurt less as time goes on. You know where CB is- that he is in a place with no pain or hurt & that he's surrounded by love and is seeing loved ones again who are there with him.
Blessings to you- I am saying a prayer for you right now- that our Lord will give you peace and comfort and the people around you will know how to support you best.

Hugs,
Lisa

DLS5419

Love...
Mrs. Carolyn,
I am so sorry for your loss. I know this must be hard on you. Tonight, I felt compelled to log on to this site that has offered me much comfort in this waiting period (mom is going back for more tests) and tell her story to others...especially those who have lost someone. I found her letter, and I wanted to share it with you. Know you will remain in my prayers.

My mom's testimony.

I remember praying the night mom was in the hospital. I had just turned 14 years old (2004). Mom had stage 4 tonsil cancer that had metastasized to her left lymph nodes and reached to her carotid artery. They had given her 22 treatments of radiation and 2 types of chemo...which almost killed her. That night I had seen mom in the most severe pain I have ever seen anyone experience; no meds could touch it. She was burnt from the inside out (esophagus all the way up to her lips were sores) and she was on TPN through a port. She was deaf in one ear and her immune system was completely compromised. They prepared us for the worst. She was only 40 at the time. My dad was in total emotional shock...understandable. But there was something so disturbing about that pain...I could not stand it. I went home and begged God for His help. I just begged for her to have a peace that passes ALL peace...a peace like the sound of angels singing...a peace only HE could give her. I prayed for Jesus to hold her...to take her pain away. That night I gave it to Him. I found this letter from mom to a friend who was losing a father to cancer. Here is mom's version the story and her miracle:
_____________________________________________________
My dear friend,
I did not know (and still do not know who) that you recently lost someone so dear to you. I needed to send you a special message.

We have known each other for so very long and I believe with all I am that our Father is so faithful he puts people into our lives even if it is momentary to remind us that He is carrying us through our pain. I know death. I was so close to death in May 2004. I will tell you that I had people praying for me I did not know. I was in the hospital and had been septic and in so much pain for 4 days. Now, I want you to read what I am telling you and know for certain of God's comfort for His children at death.

I could not see very well and had lost almost all of my hearing due to an overload of chemo and radiation. Nothing was helping and I was being treated for severe burns. I drifted off and woke up to music in the next room over. I was so surprised to actually hear music playing. It was Christian music and I figured I couldn't place the songs due to the level of drugs being forced into me. Each song was so familiar and beautiful, Brad. It did not stop all night. People came into my room and I didn't even care. I was so comforted by the songs being sung and the music of my neighbor. I couldn't see one person from the other because they had to dress in scrubs anyway. I rested all night into the next day feeling less pain than I had in days. I was so glad that the Dr.'s finally found a combination of meds to help me. When Dani and Van insisted I open my eyes to listen to them, I was a little annoyed because I was resting so well. I had lost my voice due to vocal cord burns, but whispered to each of them that I could hear the beautiful songs. I asked what the names of the songs were beause they were so familiar and I knew they would know them. I could not hear them try to talk to me, but remember wondering why they looked so sad when I was obviously feeling better and more rested. For the next 4 days I rested and listened to the beautiful choir sing and the melodies flowed through the room and quieted my thoughts and pain. Time was not important and I was able to focus on the love of my family without having to struggle with words. I thanked God for my neighbor in the hospital and prayed the person would get better, but also secretly wanted them to stay since I could hear music for the first time in so long.

On the 8th morning, I awoke in tremendous pain with no more music. Doctors were in my room with Dani and Van. Nurses were poking and moving me. I hurt so badly and was upset I couldn't hear. I whispered to Dani and Van who were very very happy (which made me confused)...... did my neighbor leave? I miss the music I told them. I need better pain medicine again I explained tears streaming down my face. They were making arrangements for home health care so I could be transported home. I thought to myself that they were crazy! I was worse!

Brad, I was better.......there was no neighbor. There was no music from another room. I had been barely responsive and my medicine had not been changed or lessened.

I was given the chance to hear just a little of the sweet sounds of Heaven. Death does not hurt Brad. To everyone around me, it looked very painful and upsetting. To me, I felt better than I had in months and rested wonderfully to the songs of angels and saints singing. It was as clear as an ipod with headphones. Beautiful and clear. Comforting and soft. The melodies were as familiar as my husband and child. When God let me stay, the pain of life returned. I am so blessed to be here and felt The Holy Spirit telling me to explain death to you. I listen when Christ moves in me. I owe Him!

You can count on prayers of your friends and the Love of your Holy Father. Death, although it seems bad to those around us, does not hurt.

Love,
Alison
___________________________________________________

I hope to all who get the chance to read this understand: my prayer was answered. The next day after asking for mom to have peace, I walked in the room to her smiling. It was a strange smile and she could only whisper what she was hearing...beautiful music. The angels were singing. My Jesus is the Prince of Peace. Our heavenly Father is with you every second...even on death's door. My mom lived. She survived. I truly believe she was meant to share her miracle and help others who are going through such difficult times. God is with you. As you walk through this valley, do not be afraid. He is with you.

Dani

Kathleen808

Dear Carolyn
Dear Carolyn
Thank you for sharing your beautiful words with us. It sounds as though CB was really at peace. It is good that you know that. Remember that you don't have to feel strong, falling apart is part of the process. It is good that you are having some good moments. You will remain in my prayers.

Aloha,
Kathleen

AnneCan

Carolyn
Carolyn,

This is a beautiful poignantly written tribute to your husband's + your love + wonderful relationship. This is still really new to you + I expect will take you awaile to get to a place where wonderful memories replace the tough ones. Take good care of yourself.

coolvdub

AnneCan said:

Carolyn
Carolyn,

This is a beautiful poignantly written tribute to your husband's + your love + wonderful relationship. This is still really new to you + I expect will take you awaile to get to a place where wonderful memories replace the tough ones. Take good care of yourself.

How inspiring!
Carolyn,

I want to thank you for sharing your and CB's life with us. CB sounds like such a caring man, I'm sure you already knew that. I hope when my time comes, that I can be as selfless as CB was. It truly is wonderful when somebody going through so much as he did, puts others before himself, now that is character in my book. I will be praying for you to know inner peace to help get through a difficult period.

I also can relate to how this disease can draw a couple so much closer. I suppose the silver lining in all of this is that you and CB were able to spend some very special time together near the end, sharing and caring for each other as never before. Please continue to post here when you can, we will be here for you.

Don

tootsie1

Thanks
Carolyn,

I/apologize,because/spacebar/has/decided/to/quit/on/me.I/am/using/slashes/to/try/to/break/
up/the/spaces.

Your/story/about/CB/was/beautiful.Thank/you/for/sharing.I/will/pray/for/you.I/know/this/\
must/be/so/hard.

*hugs*
Gail

angelsbaby

tootsie1 said:

Thanks
Carolyn,

I/apologize,because/spacebar/has/decided/to/quit/on/me.I/am/using/slashes/to/try/to/break/
up/the/spaces.

Your/story/about/CB/was/beautiful.Thank/you/for/sharing.I/will/pray/for/you.I/know/this/\
must/be/so/hard.

*hugs*
Gail

Carolyn
that was beautiful thank you

michelle

lesvanb

Thank you dear Carolyn
for sharing where you are right now, and CB's story. My heart breaks and my heart is light reading your words of tenderness and grief and strength and love. It is a difficult place to be when we realize that no one can help us through but ourselves. We can feel isolated and bereft but by sharing and connecting a person can find that thread that keeps you going. Thank you so much for reminding me that I am not alone and that reaching out for help and connection is always an option.

all the best, Leslie