Did Anyone Else Feel This Way?

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missrenee
missrenee Member Posts: 2,136 Member
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
I finished 6 rounds of Chemo (TAC) May 6th and just started rads this week. Even though this whole ordeal has been stressful, frightening and so not fun, most days I've managed to laugh, find some happiness and be grateful for the many blessings I have in my life. However, this week, with going to radiation therapy every single day, I find I'm depressed because it just keeps putting the breast cancer demon right in front of my face every day. Before this week, I was sometimes actually able to have moments, and later hours of joy--forgetting about this monster. I was so happy to be done with chemo, I thought radiation would be a major relief. Why do I feel this way--tell me it'll get better. Anyone else go through this?

Thank you for listening, Renee

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  • MNLynn
    MNLynn Member Posts: 224
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    radiation treatments
    Renee - how many radiation treatments are you going to get? I had 27 radiation treatments but I was fortunate not to have chemo - so I am coming at this from a different angle than you are. But, I can tell you that, for me anyway, the treatment time went by pretty fast - and my recovery after the treatments (my skin getting healed) also went pretty fast. When I was sore during and after the treatments, I used Aquaphor ointment or Aloe Vera with lidocaine to help - and did get some prescription pain meds that I used occassionally. I wish you all the best - I think it must just take time to get past thinking about this "monster" - I am trying to deal with that now - still too many things that keep bringing it into my mind - I think that I just have to deal with those things and believe that it will be less & less in my mind as time goes by. Right now even follow-up appointments just bring it all back again. Hope you do great in the future!
  • Marcia527
    Marcia527 Member Posts: 2,729
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    I didn't feel that way
    I didn't feel that way because I was very sick on chemo and had few good days. I was glad that I finally made it through.
  • Sally5
    Sally5 Member Posts: 87
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    Marcia527 said:

    I didn't feel that way
    I didn't feel that way because I was very sick on chemo and had few good days. I was glad that I finally made it through.

    Hope this helps
    Hi,
    When I was diagnosed I got some good advice from a friend. She went through her treatment a little over a year ago (seems similar to yours). She had radiation and each day I think she felt like you.

    She told me that she was good for about two hours after the treatment and then she was so tired. She did not let the cancer get the better of her. She went surfing right after her appointment and then went home to rest. (Easier said that done). Sometimes, my therapy became shopping at Target. :)

    ** This helped me (Not surfing) but do something fun.. for yourself. Rest when you need.

    Take care.
  • missrenee
    missrenee Member Posts: 2,136 Member
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    MNLynn said:

    radiation treatments
    Renee - how many radiation treatments are you going to get? I had 27 radiation treatments but I was fortunate not to have chemo - so I am coming at this from a different angle than you are. But, I can tell you that, for me anyway, the treatment time went by pretty fast - and my recovery after the treatments (my skin getting healed) also went pretty fast. When I was sore during and after the treatments, I used Aquaphor ointment or Aloe Vera with lidocaine to help - and did get some prescription pain meds that I used occassionally. I wish you all the best - I think it must just take time to get past thinking about this "monster" - I am trying to deal with that now - still too many things that keep bringing it into my mind - I think that I just have to deal with those things and believe that it will be less & less in my mind as time goes by. Right now even follow-up appointments just bring it all back again. Hope you do great in the future!

    Radiation Treatments
    I have a total of 35 treatments--five down as of today. I did pretty well during chemo--compared to most, I think. Number 6 was by far the worst, and I'm still having some issues, but doing pretty well. I'm still sore and swollen from the surgeries/chemo, so that also is a reminder of what's going on. I've started using the Aquaphor (info I received from this site) even though things are still okay. Thanks for the tip about the Aloe Vera/Lidocaine.

    Maybe I'm just having some down days--I have been upbeat and smiling for so long--not allowing negative thoughts to creep in. I just feel guilty and bad for feeling bad. Crazy-huh?! I have the best friends and family in the world, but I feel like if I'm not upbeat and happy and positive, I'm disappointing them or letting them down.
  • missrenee
    missrenee Member Posts: 2,136 Member
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    Sally5 said:

    Hope this helps
    Hi,
    When I was diagnosed I got some good advice from a friend. She went through her treatment a little over a year ago (seems similar to yours). She had radiation and each day I think she felt like you.

    She told me that she was good for about two hours after the treatment and then she was so tired. She did not let the cancer get the better of her. She went surfing right after her appointment and then went home to rest. (Easier said that done). Sometimes, my therapy became shopping at Target. :)

    ** This helped me (Not surfing) but do something fun.. for yourself. Rest when you need.

    Take care.

    I'm with you, Sally
    Shopping is always fun! Some days I get myself an iced cafe mocha and head out to shop. Yesterday I took myself to lunch. Next week, a friend is going with me and then to lunch. Gotta keep going--right!
  • hopeful in tally
    hopeful in tally Member Posts: 56
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    Sally5 said:

    Hope this helps
    Hi,
    When I was diagnosed I got some good advice from a friend. She went through her treatment a little over a year ago (seems similar to yours). She had radiation and each day I think she felt like you.

    She told me that she was good for about two hours after the treatment and then she was so tired. She did not let the cancer get the better of her. She went surfing right after her appointment and then went home to rest. (Easier said that done). Sometimes, my therapy became shopping at Target. :)

    ** This helped me (Not surfing) but do something fun.. for yourself. Rest when you need.

    Take care.

    radiation blues
    I just read your post after I posted about Radiation Graduation ... which yo may want to check out. You are now in the home stretch and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Radiation does go by quickly and the worst side effects are the fatigue and discomfort to your skin. From what I have head about chemo ... the worst is behind you. It becomes a routine ... just like brushing your teeth. Keep te positive thoughts and you will be done before you know it!!
  • apple25
    apple25 Member Posts: 14
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    feelings and you
    Renee,
    It's been 14 years since I was diagnosed. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about being a b/c survivor. When I start feeling sorry for myself, I remind myself that I've been cancer free for 14 years and I'm as healthy as can be. I work out with a trainer a few times a week and I belong to a gym. I also get reminded by my lengthy surgery scar across my right breast. For the longest time I refused to look at in the mirror, but now it's a badge of honor that I beat the cancer demon. It also helped that I got a young boyfriend (16 years younger !) who I met a year after my mastectomy. I was scared to tell him, but finally I got up the nerve and told him. He wasn't horrified by the scar when he saw it. He still thought I was sexy ! BTW, we're still together after 14 years !

    Hope this helps. The cancer does not define who you are, you're a survivor !

    Emma
  • kms3566
    kms3566 Member Posts: 57
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    Hi Renee
    I just finished my 6th round of TAC on June 23rd and will be meeting w/rad onc on July 8th. I think I am going to feel the same as you. At least with the chemo is was not everyday and I have have really tried to keep a positive outlook, however, that everyday thing is not sounding to good. Like you said, forcing us to think about it daily, but we will get through this! You're in my thoughts and prayers~
  • My dear Renee...
    I have some idea about what you mean...

    I finished my TAC a week ago. My chemo nurses were great at validating my emotions through the process..."the steroids make you feel like that"...."the chemo effects some people that way"...etc. The week immediately following chemo always seemed the roughest. I, however, was an inspiration for colleagues and students as I worked and maintained that upbeat demeanor. At home I might be crying because the woman I saw in the mirror looked more like my dad than me and now that I am faced with my summer off (I'm a school teacher) I know what you mean about facing this dastardly beast daily as I prepare for my daily visits for radiation.

    It certainly does not help that our physical bodies have changed dramatically and comfort foods are utterly without flavor. I draw some comfort knowing that thousands of women have gone through this before me, and pray that I maintain good humor. I have a teen age daughter that has been tremendously supportive through this journey. During my lowest moments she has shown me grace I might not know otherwise.

    I have been very depressed this past week following my final chemo. I reminded myself today of something I read soon after having the blood rushed to my head when the doctor said "cancer." There is life after cancer.

    I think I just might need to repeat that to myself a few thousand times.
  • missrenee
    missrenee Member Posts: 2,136 Member
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    My dear Renee...
    I have some idea about what you mean...

    I finished my TAC a week ago. My chemo nurses were great at validating my emotions through the process..."the steroids make you feel like that"...."the chemo effects some people that way"...etc. The week immediately following chemo always seemed the roughest. I, however, was an inspiration for colleagues and students as I worked and maintained that upbeat demeanor. At home I might be crying because the woman I saw in the mirror looked more like my dad than me and now that I am faced with my summer off (I'm a school teacher) I know what you mean about facing this dastardly beast daily as I prepare for my daily visits for radiation.

    It certainly does not help that our physical bodies have changed dramatically and comfort foods are utterly without flavor. I draw some comfort knowing that thousands of women have gone through this before me, and pray that I maintain good humor. I have a teen age daughter that has been tremendously supportive through this journey. During my lowest moments she has shown me grace I might not know otherwise.

    I have been very depressed this past week following my final chemo. I reminded myself today of something I read soon after having the blood rushed to my head when the doctor said "cancer." There is life after cancer.

    I think I just might need to repeat that to myself a few thousand times.

    Thank you, Faith
    It really does help to know that someone else feels like you do. I'm sure this will be a roller coaster ride as much as the chemo was. On my good days, I feel strong, confident and sure that I will beat this thing. Of course, on the bad, not so much. But then I try to remind myself--I'm human, not some machine or robot. Having all these emotions--good and bad-is exactly what makes me human.

    Funny, you said you felt you looked more like your dad than you. I've said I feel like I look like my uncle Ted--a lovely man, but mostly bald with some fuzzy white hair on his head!

    Let's do this thing together!
  • missrenee
    missrenee Member Posts: 2,136 Member
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    kms3566 said:

    Hi Renee
    I just finished my 6th round of TAC on June 23rd and will be meeting w/rad onc on July 8th. I think I am going to feel the same as you. At least with the chemo is was not everyday and I have have really tried to keep a positive outlook, however, that everyday thing is not sounding to good. Like you said, forcing us to think about it daily, but we will get through this! You're in my thoughts and prayers~

    Thank you, KMS
    We certainly are in the same boat here! I'm sure there will be good and bad days ahead--just like normal life. You're right--we will get through this and be all the more stronger for it. Hugs, good thoughts and prayers right back at you!

    Renee
  • ms.sunshine
    ms.sunshine Member Posts: 707 Member
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    I'm 3 weeks into rad. I
    I'm 3 weeks into rad. I don't really think about it. It's just something that needs to be done so I just go do it. I enjoy the staff and patients. I must be the crazy one because to me it's relaxing. I am beginning to feel the fatigue set in.