Tattooed today

JuJuBeez
JuJuBeez Member Posts: 332
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Well, I just got back from my mapping appt. I got the two tattoos. Today's appointment really kinda sucked because I felt like a 'cancer patient' today. I ususally don't feel like that, and I roll with the punches when I can. But today it seemed so real, especially when I came out of the dressing room and saw the bins with gowns in them, and everyone's name written on a piece of masking tape. Laying on the table with my arm up while they marked everything really bothered me too. I thought I was doing okay, but now I feel really sad and I want some 'Ben and Jerry' therapy. Is the radiation going to be like this, too? I'm really trying hard to stay positive, but there are some days I just can't keep the momentum. Does that make sense?? Is this just part of the process? I had made up my mind early on that I want to be a 'cancer survivor' not a 'cancer victim'..but it's not easy to do that 24/7.

Comments

  • MerleBee
    MerleBee Member Posts: 49
    #2
    I Think We All Have That Moment
    I can't speak to the tatooing piece as I didn't have to experience that lovely piece of the pie. But I can tell you that I remember sitting in the oncologist's waiting room feeling guilty as I looked around because i wasn't "sick" like the rest of the patients waiting...and then I had my moment when I first really felt like a cancer patient. For me it was my first visit after my bilateral when I realized "oh, oh...I am a cancer patient!" It was depressing and it took my breath away...being a survivor and a fighter doesn't mean you won't have your moments. Soldiers get scared, firefighters get scared, etc. If you don't know enough to be scared from time to time then you are in trouble! It's what you do about it when you do get scared or depressed! First, give yourself permission to feel those things and then after a good long cry or good long rant, pick yourself up by the boot straps and fight the good fight. And remember that when you're having a bad day there is always someone her that is having a good one to help lift you up!

    You are not alone!

    Merle
  • mimivac
    mimivac Member Posts: 2,143 Member
    #3
    Too much pressure
    JuJu, you don't have to be positive 24 hours a day. In fact, no one can. The mapping for radiation can be long, tedius, uncomfortable, and depressing. Congratulate yourself that you got through it. It won't be like that every day. You'll settle into a pattern where you'll go in and out and the whole thing will take a few minutes. In the meantime, give yourself a break. You already are a cancer surivor as well as a person undergoing treatment. You are not a robot and having feelings of frustration, depression, anger, and victimization are all part of the process. Accept that you will feel all these things once in a while and don't let anyone tell you how you must feel. Hugs. You'll get through this.

    Mimi

    PS. I remember having similar feelings during my mapping. At one point, I was lying, breasts exposed on the table and medical people kept coming in and poking at me without even agknowleging that I was an actual human being and not just a pair of breasts. I remember feeling like a piece of meat. You are not alone.
  • Ritzy
    Ritzy Member Posts: 4,381 Member
    #4
    mimivac said:

    Too much pressure
    JuJu, you don't have to be positive 24 hours a day. In fact, no one can. The mapping for radiation can be long, tedius, uncomfortable, and depressing. Congratulate yourself that you got through it. It won't be like that every day. You'll settle into a pattern where you'll go in and out and the whole thing will take a few minutes. In the meantime, give yourself a break. You already are a cancer surivor as well as a person undergoing treatment. You are not a robot and having feelings of frustration, depression, anger, and victimization are all part of the process. Accept that you will feel all these things once in a while and don't let anyone tell you how you must feel. Hugs. You'll get through this.

    Mimi

    PS. I remember having similar feelings during my mapping. At one point, I was lying, breasts exposed on the table and medical people kept coming in and poking at me without even agknowleging that I was an actual human being and not just a pair of breasts. I remember feeling like a piece of meat. You are not alone.

    I was blessed Juju! Not
    I was blessed Juju! Not that I liked being zapped everyday, but, I had the best techs and the best rads oncologist in the world. They actually made my going everyday almost fun. They always talked to my husband and even let him stand outside and watch me getting the treatment. They were like one big family. They would bring food and we would all snack on it. Drinks were always free and candy everywhere! And, on the blanket that I had on me for every treatment as it was freezing in that room, one of the techs needle pointed or whatever you call it, my name on it to make it more personal. The tattoos just stung for 1 second, and, I can barely see mine now. They are itty bitty. My hubby took me for every treatment too and we always did something fun, so, I looked forward to that. Some people there even hang around after being zapped cuz we were having so much fun telling jokes and stuff. And, I knew that by going thru rads, that I was killing any stray cancer cells and giving me a much better chance of life and no recurrence. So, I went in with a positive attitude, a lil scared, but, positive.

    I even missed them when I was finished, so, I still stop in and see them. The techs have parties every now and then and my hubby and I go to them.

    I wish everyone could have the kind of experience I had with rads in regards to the wonderful, kind people. They always made me feel special and treated me with the utmost respect.

    Sue :)
  • Marcia527
    Marcia527 Member Posts: 2,729
    #5
    The radiation treatments are
    The radiation treatments are really fast. The set up appointment is the long one. My treatment center scheduled people at the same time each day so I even got used to seeing the same people each day. Hang in there. I had radiation for just 6 weeks and that really goes by fast.
  • survivorbc09
    survivorbc09 Member Posts: 4,374 Member
    #6
    Marcia527 said:

    The radiation treatments are
    The radiation treatments are really fast. The set up appointment is the long one. My treatment center scheduled people at the same time each day so I even got used to seeing the same people each day. Hang in there. I had radiation for just 6 weeks and that really goes by fast.

    Do not be afraid of
    Do not be afraid of radiation treatments. It is one more way to kill the cancer so that you can live a long and healthy life. You can usually schedule when you want, but, not always. The staff where I went were all great! And, my rads oncologist was a dream come true, so kind and helpful.

    Good luck, Jan
  • TraciInLA
    TraciInLA Member Posts: 1,994 Member
    #7
    survivorbc09 said:

    Do not be afraid of
    Do not be afraid of radiation treatments. It is one more way to kill the cancer so that you can live a long and healthy life. You can usually schedule when you want, but, not always. The staff where I went were all great! And, my rads oncologist was a dream come true, so kind and helpful.

    Good luck, Jan

    I hear you, JuJuBeez
    JuJuBeez, I felt a lot like what Mimi describes, and some of what I think you're feeling -- at first, radiation felt so dehumanizing. Marked up like a side of beef, laying there all alone in a huge, sterile room with my breasts exposed and arms over my head, while huge machines that sounded like alien probes hovered over me.

    Because radiation didn't involve poking me with needles (like every other part of this cancer thing), I expected it to be such a breeze. I was very surprised when I sobbed my way through my first treatment, because it was just so big and strange and scary. Honestly, I felt about 5 years old that day.

    I tell you this only to reassure you that I DID eventually stop crying, the treatments DID quickly become routine and familiar. It really does get better -- I promise you that you won't feel this way the whole time.

    I'm going to disagree only slightly with MerleBee's advice, by adding: "...give yourself permission to feel those things and then after a good long cry or good long rant AND A PINT OF YOUR FAVORITE BEN & JERRY'S...."

    (You know how strongly I recommend Ben & Jerry's therapy for all things on this journey.)

    Traci

    side note: Mimi, from your post, it sounds like you had radiation to both breasts, too? Many of you know that my rad techs were like the evil twins of Sue's techs, and one of the things they kept heavy-sighing about was how inconvenient it was to have to do radiation to both breasts, how much longer my appointment took than everybody else's....made me feel even more like a freak!
  • Pinkpower
    Pinkpower Member Posts: 437
    #8
    TraciInLA said:

    I hear you, JuJuBeez
    JuJuBeez, I felt a lot like what Mimi describes, and some of what I think you're feeling -- at first, radiation felt so dehumanizing. Marked up like a side of beef, laying there all alone in a huge, sterile room with my breasts exposed and arms over my head, while huge machines that sounded like alien probes hovered over me.

    Because radiation didn't involve poking me with needles (like every other part of this cancer thing), I expected it to be such a breeze. I was very surprised when I sobbed my way through my first treatment, because it was just so big and strange and scary. Honestly, I felt about 5 years old that day.

    I tell you this only to reassure you that I DID eventually stop crying, the treatments DID quickly become routine and familiar. It really does get better -- I promise you that you won't feel this way the whole time.

    I'm going to disagree only slightly with MerleBee's advice, by adding: "...give yourself permission to feel those things and then after a good long cry or good long rant AND A PINT OF YOUR FAVORITE BEN & JERRY'S...."

    (You know how strongly I recommend Ben & Jerry's therapy for all things on this journey.)

    Traci

    side note: Mimi, from your post, it sounds like you had radiation to both breasts, too? Many of you know that my rad techs were like the evil twins of Sue's techs, and one of the things they kept heavy-sighing about was how inconvenient it was to have to do radiation to both breasts, how much longer my appointment took than everybody else's....made me feel even more like a freak!

    Traci
    Traci -So sorry to hear your awful experience with Rad. As if what we are already going thru isnt bad enough. I had Breast cancer on only 1 breast, I was lucky, I had great techs, male and female. A little uncomfortable at 1st with the male techs, but they were so nice, soon I was ok with them too. 6 weeks did go by fast, the worst part of it all was around wk 4-5 I got so burned under my arm and I was in so much pain they had to give me pain pills and I had to take a few days off.
  • Betsy13
    Betsy13 Member Posts: 185
    #9
    Nobody told me about the
    Nobody told me about the tattoos until the appointment. I had a breakdown and just sobbed. Then my first radiation treatment, I cried through the whole thing also. After that, radiation was nothing...it's the side effects that are still getting me. I was finished after 7 weeks on 5/28 and am STILL having side effects. Back on bed-rest because they are so bad. Hard to stay positive - any advice?
  • BlownAway60
    BlownAway60 Member Posts: 851
    #10
    I had 7 weeks of rads and
    I had 7 weeks of rads and just finished on 2 Jul. 6 weeks of regular rads and 1 week of boosters. It went by really fast. Treatments only took about 10 minutes. It took longer to get undressed and sit in the waiting room. I was one of the very lucky ones. I did not burn at all and my skin, where it did get a little brown, is almost all back to normal.

    Sending prayers and hugs your way.

    Donna
  • ms.sunshine
    ms.sunshine Member Posts: 707 Member
    #11
    BlownAway60 said:

    I had 7 weeks of rads and
    I had 7 weeks of rads and just finished on 2 Jul. 6 weeks of regular rads and 1 week of boosters. It went by really fast. Treatments only took about 10 minutes. It took longer to get undressed and sit in the waiting room. I was one of the very lucky ones. I did not burn at all and my skin, where it did get a little brown, is almost all back to normal.

    Sending prayers and hugs your way.

    Donna

    I got tatooed, I thought oh
    I got tatooed, I thought oh great more needles. Wasn't that bad. First day of rad was kinda scarry, not knowing what to expect. This giant machine, looks like a big camera lens, moving, making these weird sounds. Good thing you're not on the table but a few minutes. I close my eyes. My first day I started laughing, I find humor in everything. The machine sounds like R2D2 from Star Wars.
    My tech team has been great. I will miss them when I finish. I'll take radiation over chemo anyday, if I had to choose.
  • Kimosabe
    Kimosabe Member Posts: 43
    #12
    ms.sunshine said:

    I got tatooed, I thought oh
    I got tatooed, I thought oh great more needles. Wasn't that bad. First day of rad was kinda scarry, not knowing what to expect. This giant machine, looks like a big camera lens, moving, making these weird sounds. Good thing you're not on the table but a few minutes. I close my eyes. My first day I started laughing, I find humor in everything. The machine sounds like R2D2 from Star Wars.
    My tech team has been great. I will miss them when I finish. I'll take radiation over chemo anyday, if I had to choose.

    Love your last line as I am
    Love your last line as I am halfway through chemo and facing radiation after that. It seems like rads have to be better than chemo.
  • QuiltingMama123
    QuiltingMama123 Member Posts: 124
    #13
    Tattoos?
    Jujubeez, I'm really sorry this was so hard for you. I hope and pray it gets better.

    Okay, ladies, I'm freaking out - are we talking real tattoos? How big? I know I need chemo, but because it's down the road - after chemo is under way - I haven't met my rad. onc. yet.
  • MyTurnNow
    MyTurnNow Member Posts: 2,686 Member
    #14
    QuiltingMama123 said:

    Tattoos?
    Jujubeez, I'm really sorry this was so hard for you. I hope and pray it gets better.

    Okay, ladies, I'm freaking out - are we talking real tattoos? How big? I know I need chemo, but because it's down the road - after chemo is under way - I haven't met my rad. onc. yet.

    QuiltingMama, do not
    QuiltingMama, do not worry!!! The tatoo's are the size of pin prick. You more than likely won't even notice they are there.
  • Betsy13
    Betsy13 Member Posts: 185
    #15
    QuiltingMama123 said:

    Tattoos?
    Jujubeez, I'm really sorry this was so hard for you. I hope and pray it gets better.

    Okay, ladies, I'm freaking out - are we talking real tattoos? How big? I know I need chemo, but because it's down the road - after chemo is under way - I haven't met my rad. onc. yet.

    Don't freak out. For me, no
    Don't freak out. For me, no one mentioned it so I had no idea that is was coming. I received 3 pin pricks. One under each arm and the middle of my breast bone. They do this so they can align the rad machine easily each time. Mine are a bit bigger than a pin pricks, but it was like getting pricked when they are going to draw your blood. No big deal. Good luck!
  • QuiltingMama123
    QuiltingMama123 Member Posts: 124
    #16
    Betsy13 said:

    Don't freak out. For me, no
    Don't freak out. For me, no one mentioned it so I had no idea that is was coming. I received 3 pin pricks. One under each arm and the middle of my breast bone. They do this so they can align the rad machine easily each time. Mine are a bit bigger than a pin pricks, but it was like getting pricked when they are going to draw your blood. No big deal. Good luck!

    Thanks! I'm not sure what I
    Thanks! I'm not sure what I thought they were going to be - but I feel much better now.

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