Once Its Back

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virtual_voyager
virtual_voyager Member Posts: 37
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Hello everyone,

I am in need of help to deal with my wife's matestisized breast cancer. Last week a full body scan revealed the cancer has returned to her rib(s), and maybe liver.

This past Wed. she had some more pics taken after drinking some white liquid. Tomorrow at 3pm we have a dr appoint. and we will find out how bad it is.

I can hardly type from shaking so badly. It seems from what I've read so far it isn't IF but WHEN and how long she has before this disease becomes too debilitating for her to enjoy what time she has left.

Please, don't sugarcoat what you already know and tell me what to expect. THe hope and kindness shown here is amazing and I need to know what to say, how to say it, when to Not talk to her.

My hear is breaking knowing this wonderful person is suffering so much mental anguish now and the inevitable end that looms ahead.

The words that tore my heart out were these, "there is no cure, more chemo & radiation will slow the progression, pain medication will help ease most but not all physical pain.

I've been in just about every kind of fight imaginable,physical and mental, but never have I felt so helpless and unprepared for this kind of battle.

With much respect,
VV

Comments

  • CarrWilson
    CarrWilson Member Posts: 111
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    Hi VV
    This is such awful news, and I am so sorry you both have to go thru this. There is a wonderful book available to help husbands thru all stages of their wife's disease.

    Breast Cancer Husband: How to Help Your Wife (and Yourself) during Diagnosis, Treatment and Beyond [Paperback] by Marc Silver.

    I know a book alone cannot help, but it will assist you to know what your wife is going thru, emotions and how to support her. It will also help you to localize what feelings you are going thru.

    I would also suggest you join a local support group, there are many available, and they should have a list at the hospital you are going to. Of course you are always welcome here, there are several super spouses that post here, and I am sure they will chime in.

    Hugs to you - Carrie
  • MyTurnNow
    MyTurnNow Member Posts: 2,686 Member
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    Welcome and I am glad that
    Welcome and I am glad that you found us. First of all, I don't believe that any of us diagnosed with bc are ever told that we are "cured". I don't think that happens. There are several ladies on this site that are Stage IV and are controlling their cancer with treatments. I don't think it necessarily means that the end of life is imminent. We have just this week had 3 of our "sisters" told they have recurrences. Don't give in and don't give up. I know this circumstance is just as dreadful for the caregiver as the patient but don't lose HOPE. I'm not suggesting that you stick your head in the sand but rather continue to post here and use us as your "punching bag". We are here to listen and offer support, encouragement and love. We will help you and your wife through this journey.
  • Balentine
    Balentine Member Posts: 393
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    MyTurnNow said:

    Welcome and I am glad that
    Welcome and I am glad that you found us. First of all, I don't believe that any of us diagnosed with bc are ever told that we are "cured". I don't think that happens. There are several ladies on this site that are Stage IV and are controlling their cancer with treatments. I don't think it necessarily means that the end of life is imminent. We have just this week had 3 of our "sisters" told they have recurrences. Don't give in and don't give up. I know this circumstance is just as dreadful for the caregiver as the patient but don't lose HOPE. I'm not suggesting that you stick your head in the sand but rather continue to post here and use us as your "punching bag". We are here to listen and offer support, encouragement and love. We will help you and your wife through this journey.

    Know that we are here for you and praying for you and your wife
    I cannot imagine how hard this must be for you as the caregiver and spouse to watch your wife going through this. Sometimes we, the cancer, patient is so overwhelmed ourselves with so much anxiety and pain that we cannot see how it is affecting the ones caring for us and actually seeing us go through it and feeling so helpless. That must be very difficult. I also try to put myself in my husbands shoes and wonder how that must feel. He travels quite a bit on business so I have gotten to the point where I actually feel glad he can get away from it for a few weeks every so often to get a break and I am actually glad for him. Please know that God is there with you through this and you are not alone. Talk to Him and let Him know how you feel and what you need from Him. He answers those that are broken and contrite and cry out to Him with a pure heart. He will not leave you and He will give you comfort and peace. I will be anxious to hear tomorrow what the doctors tell you and your wife and I will be praying for good news and that they have a plan with a good prognosis. Be blessed of God and stay strong in His strength.
    Lorrie Balentine
  • virtual_voyager
    virtual_voyager Member Posts: 37
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    Hi VV
    This is such awful news, and I am so sorry you both have to go thru this. There is a wonderful book available to help husbands thru all stages of their wife's disease.

    Breast Cancer Husband: How to Help Your Wife (and Yourself) during Diagnosis, Treatment and Beyond [Paperback] by Marc Silver.

    I know a book alone cannot help, but it will assist you to know what your wife is going thru, emotions and how to support her. It will also help you to localize what feelings you are going thru.

    I would also suggest you join a local support group, there are many available, and they should have a list at the hospital you are going to. Of course you are always welcome here, there are several super spouses that post here, and I am sure they will chime in.

    Hugs to you - Carrie

    To each of you, Carrie, MTN


    To each of you, Carrie, MTN & LB thank you for the encouraging words.

    I assure you her thoughts and needs are foremost in my mind. Whatever sadness I am feeling is for her loss of time. Such goodness should never be taken so soon. Her heart is so full of love and compassion she talks to the plants in her gardens as tho they had eyes to see and ears to hear.

    I always acknowledged her efforts for me no matter how slight. I never wanted to be complacent about having her with me. Yet right now I feel like I didn't say or do enough to, with and for her.

    I've not lost hope or given up any will to do what needs to be done. Its the anger at Who? What? When? Where? How? Why? this is happening to such a good and kind person that is driving my emotions right now.

    Just since I started writing this post what has struck me to the core of my heart is the sadness that I see on her face, and how hard it is to not show the same.

    She is all that is good about life. All poets, past and present couldn't begin to write of the goodness of her heart and soul.

    Yes, a punching bag and a crying towel, just what this heavy heart needs.

    Thank you all,
    VV
  • greyhoundluvr
    greyhoundluvr Member Posts: 402
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    VV -
    As the others have said, I am so sorry that you are here under such circumstances. I don't think anyone can ever be prepared for this type of battle but you are here, asking questions, and looking to provide the best support possible for your wife. As hard as that is, it shows that you are there for her. The husbands will probably tell you that there is no easy way to know what to say, how to say it or when not to say it. In my family, we have all said the wrong things at the wrong time and learned to accept each other frailities and know that regardless of the circumstances, we love each other. I wish I had the words and answers that would make this easier for you and your family - just know that we are here for you and will do anything we can to help. You will all be in my thoughts and prayers.
  • meena1
    meena1 Member Posts: 1,003
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    VV -
    As the others have said, I am so sorry that you are here under such circumstances. I don't think anyone can ever be prepared for this type of battle but you are here, asking questions, and looking to provide the best support possible for your wife. As hard as that is, it shows that you are there for her. The husbands will probably tell you that there is no easy way to know what to say, how to say it or when not to say it. In my family, we have all said the wrong things at the wrong time and learned to accept each other frailities and know that regardless of the circumstances, we love each other. I wish I had the words and answers that would make this easier for you and your family - just know that we are here for you and will do anything we can to help. You will all be in my thoughts and prayers.

    I am one of the 3 women whos
    I am one of the 3 women whos cancer returned. It is now in my liver and abdomen. Yes, i was shocked, but this does not mean the end. I had my second chemo treatment, and i can tell that the liver is already shrinking, so can the doctor. My lymph nodes swelling has also gone down. She needs to think positive, i have been on this site for awhile. I will tell you something about today. My hubby took me for chemo, after chemo we stopped at the Casino near Philadelphia and gambled some, then went to dinner at Applebees! Now, here i am posting! She will be able to get through this. Yes, I am sad and i am tired, worried, etc. Tomorrrow i may stay in bed all day and cry, but today I did what i wanted to do. Some days maybe good, some may be bad. I hope i can encourage your wife. take care and let me know her treatment.....Dang, i should have had the desert!
  • SIROD
    SIROD Member Posts: 2,194 Member
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    Living With Stage IV
    I was diagnose wide widespread pulmonary and pleural metastasis 2 years ago. My thoracic surgeon who did my VATS biopsy stated I was studded with tumors. There was plenty of samples for him to take. I have 2 mass still hanging out in my lungs, though I send them eviction notices daily.

    My 2nd recurrences was 2 ribs, a lesion on each one. I went 8 years before the mets to the lungs & pleura. I still work full time. However, there is much in my life that has change. Fatigue does take a toll, so does pain (pain med help me function) and the tests.

    There are some breast cancer metastasis web sites that might be very helpful. The women on the following sites deal only with metastasis, stage IV.

    http://www.bcmets.org/

    ( I found this one very useful for information as they have an easy archive)


    http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/8

    This one is the most active one.

    http://www.inspire.com/groups/advanced-breast-cancer/new/active/


    I am not knocking this ACS site, but I do believe it deals mostly with stage I, II, III. There are some on here who deal with stage IV.

    Stage IV has a different set of problems than the other stages. There is no end date to return to normal life. Stage IV will always be in treatment.

    There is no cure, but many stage IV do go on living with metastasis. This is the progress that the funds raised to cure breast cancer really is. My aunt who died 46 years ago had no treatment when dx with stage IV, today we have many options.

    My best wishes to you and your wife as you travel in this journey.

    SIROD