Just letting my emotions out...

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svillalobos01
svillalobos01 Member Posts: 15
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Hi everyone, it has been a while since I last visited this site. I was watching some videos of mastectomies and blogs of a young lady who had prophylactic bilateral mastectomy, (courageismystrength.com), and once again I found myself crying. It has been a little over a year since my diagnosis, I am done with surgeries, reconstruction and chemo, I am just on Tamoxifen for now. I have not felt like this in a while, but just thinking about all I had to go through, all the physical pain, all the emotional distress all those long nights when I couldn't sleep and mostly, knowing that my body is not the same, that I have to see it every night/morning made me so sad and I couldn't help it, I cried... I shouldn't be complaining, but I think we are allowed to say that we are strong, but we are also "regular" people with strengths and weakness, we need to allow ourselves to show our emotions even if it makes us look weak. If you feel you need to cry, go ahead, you'll feel better, but once you are done crying, don't forget to smile, life is beautiful, no matter how dark it looks for moments...

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  • roseann4
    roseann4 Member Posts: 992 Member
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    I think we grieve for our loss for a very long time.
    I'm glad you are letting yourself vent. Having our bodies carved up to save our lives is certainly worth it however sadness is a natural part of the process and comes in waves for a long time. A good friend of mine had her mast 17 years ago and she said she doesn't think about breast cancer very often, except when she gets dressed in the morning. She said the sadness is gone now. I think it is important to let our emotions out whatever they are. This journey doesn't end when the physical treatments are done. Do something nice for yourself today. You deserve it.

    Roseann
  • pattimc
    pattimc Member Posts: 431
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    I had the same experience
    My one year cancerversary was on May 27, 2010. That night I had a meltdown, too. I think when we are going through the diagnosis, surgeries, treatments, etc. we don't think about it too much. We just do what we have to do to survive.

    Only after we are "done" can we really appreciate the strength, courage and determination we had to fight the beast. It's surely worth a few tears.

    Yes, life is beautiful!
  • 24242
    24242 Member Posts: 1,398
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    pattimc said:

    I had the same experience
    My one year cancerversary was on May 27, 2010. That night I had a meltdown, too. I think when we are going through the diagnosis, surgeries, treatments, etc. we don't think about it too much. We just do what we have to do to survive.

    Only after we are "done" can we really appreciate the strength, courage and determination we had to fight the beast. It's surely worth a few tears.

    Yes, life is beautiful!

    Vent
    I am so proud of people that come here and are comfortable enough to truly say how they feel. I truly believe that this is something needed for us all to heal. Hanging onto old thought patterns and not actually admitting to what is before us can have a negative affect. I know one thing and that is I am so grateful I am a talker and open to laying all I feel out on that table. I am watching my very private friend have to open herself up and actually let her sister help her through her own double breasted breast cancer.
    I think that is the hardest, for the first time in 14 years I had to hear the diagnosis of my very dear friend who watched me go through all I had to. Survivors guilt still comes over me and how quickly I can remember the times and have to work to move on from there.
    Thankfully my dear friend has been diagnosed with stage 1 which will be good for those success rates. But to watch her have to allow someone into her life has been a difficult thing. I am so proud of her sister for insisting she will be the one there for her at her appointments and actually is the one thinking of questions when her sister cannot think at all. Not easy any of this and I too am proud of you to know that this is the safest place to lay all you feel.
    Tara
  • Balentine
    Balentine Member Posts: 393
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    24242 said:

    Vent
    I am so proud of people that come here and are comfortable enough to truly say how they feel. I truly believe that this is something needed for us all to heal. Hanging onto old thought patterns and not actually admitting to what is before us can have a negative affect. I know one thing and that is I am so grateful I am a talker and open to laying all I feel out on that table. I am watching my very private friend have to open herself up and actually let her sister help her through her own double breasted breast cancer.
    I think that is the hardest, for the first time in 14 years I had to hear the diagnosis of my very dear friend who watched me go through all I had to. Survivors guilt still comes over me and how quickly I can remember the times and have to work to move on from there.
    Thankfully my dear friend has been diagnosed with stage 1 which will be good for those success rates. But to watch her have to allow someone into her life has been a difficult thing. I am so proud of her sister for insisting she will be the one there for her at her appointments and actually is the one thinking of questions when her sister cannot think at all. Not easy any of this and I too am proud of you to know that this is the safest place to lay all you feel.
    Tara

    Never the same again
    As people have posted before, after cancer we are never the same again but hopefully in the aftermath we can come out stronger to help others who are newly diagnosed to encourage them and be there for them. However, we all will still have bouts of depression over what we have experienced and of the aftermath...especially those of us who have not had reconstruction yet. Every time we take our clothes off, we are visually reminded daily of our loss. Not only that but until our hair grows back, the loss is doubled. That is where I am right now. The toll on my family has been evident with them showing frustration with how tired I am all the time and also dealing with my emotional state at times. They have began to avoid me whenever possible and constantly ask me...'are you alright?' That is always the first question and everything after that is like them walking on egg shells around me. So I have to lean on God right now and do alot of praying and reading the bible to stay strong and find some peace and comfort. The hot flashes are unbearable and waiting for my hair to grow back is frustrating. I plan on doing reconstruction next summmer. I go to see my oncologist on the 21st and am sure he will be putting me on tamoxifen so I am concerned about the hot flashes getting worse. I have read on the posts that it affects everyone differently so I am hoping it does not make things worse. WE will see. I just want to encourage all of you in the Lord and know that when no one else is there for you, He is there just waiting for you to talk to Him and tell Him all about how you feel. He will comfort you and give you His peace. His promises are true and are for you. Hey..that rhymes! :) Hang in there sisters...we will all get through this together! Love and hugs.
    Lorrie
  • svillalobos01
    svillalobos01 Member Posts: 15
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    Thanks
    It feels so good knowing that a lot of women out there understand exactly what I am talking about. It is so hard to explain it to someone who has not gone through any of this, thanks sisters for being there at any time. I just want to add that during my ordeal, the only thing that calm me down was praying. I don't pray on a regular basis, but when I felt the worst, that was the only thing that gave me comfort and peace. During those long nights that I was just thinking about the future, about how bad all this was going to be, about losing my breast, losing my hair, about my looks and how my husband was going to look at me again, praying was my medicine. If you have not try it, do it, it will help you so much...
  • 2Floridiansisters
    2Floridiansisters Member Posts: 384 Member
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    Thanks
    It feels so good knowing that a lot of women out there understand exactly what I am talking about. It is so hard to explain it to someone who has not gone through any of this, thanks sisters for being there at any time. I just want to add that during my ordeal, the only thing that calm me down was praying. I don't pray on a regular basis, but when I felt the worst, that was the only thing that gave me comfort and peace. During those long nights that I was just thinking about the future, about how bad all this was going to be, about losing my breast, losing my hair, about my looks and how my husband was going to look at me again, praying was my medicine. If you have not try it, do it, it will help you so much...

    Thanks for starting this thread
    Even though it's really sad I need to hear things like this, Many times (I'm in week 3 now of diagnoses) I've felt so sad, betrayed, scared, helpless, I just want to scream. Slowly with each day I've come to accept my life will never be what it once was. All you ladies and men that are here have helped me come to terms with this situation. I can't go back to waht once was, I can only move forward, I take one day at a time, baby steps if needed, one day the sun will shine again and I won't think about all this crap, and that is the day I live for.

    Love Ronda
  • svillalobos01
    svillalobos01 Member Posts: 15
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    Thanks for starting this thread
    Even though it's really sad I need to hear things like this, Many times (I'm in week 3 now of diagnoses) I've felt so sad, betrayed, scared, helpless, I just want to scream. Slowly with each day I've come to accept my life will never be what it once was. All you ladies and men that are here have helped me come to terms with this situation. I can't go back to waht once was, I can only move forward, I take one day at a time, baby steps if needed, one day the sun will shine again and I won't think about all this crap, and that is the day I live for.

    Love Ronda

    Don't get discourage
    Hi Ronda, I know you totally understand that I just needed to vent a little, but let me tell you, after everything is done, it is actually not so bad, you do see the sun shine again and again. I was diagnosed May 21, '09, bilateral mastectomy on June 16, started reconstruction right after surgery, started chemo July 21, ended it end of Sept. and my last procedure was done middle of Dec. Yes, you will remember all these dates. Want to know what i asked for Christmas? Yes, hair, all I wanted was my hair back, by Dec. 18 I went to a formal party without my hat, it was beautiful, not that I look beautiful, but it just felt great knowing I made it. I am, most of the time, very optimistic and this still helps me a lot. My head is now full of hair, curly, not straight as it was before, but I love it. You'll make it also, be strong, pray, and the best thing you are doing, taking it one day at a time.

    Sol
  • 24242
    24242 Member Posts: 1,398
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    Don't get discourage
    Hi Ronda, I know you totally understand that I just needed to vent a little, but let me tell you, after everything is done, it is actually not so bad, you do see the sun shine again and again. I was diagnosed May 21, '09, bilateral mastectomy on June 16, started reconstruction right after surgery, started chemo July 21, ended it end of Sept. and my last procedure was done middle of Dec. Yes, you will remember all these dates. Want to know what i asked for Christmas? Yes, hair, all I wanted was my hair back, by Dec. 18 I went to a formal party without my hat, it was beautiful, not that I look beautiful, but it just felt great knowing I made it. I am, most of the time, very optimistic and this still helps me a lot. My head is now full of hair, curly, not straight as it was before, but I love it. You'll make it also, be strong, pray, and the best thing you are doing, taking it one day at a time.

    Sol

    My mother's advice
    Others have touched on this and my own mother who is a palliative nurse asked me when she found out I had aggressive breast cancer, "Are you praying?" I was stunned by the question at first since as a family we quit going to church when I was 13. I thought it was funny coming from her but she asked the question again and I had to think about it.
    I decided I always pray maybe not conventionally but I do have this continued conversation with God and that was praying to me.
    I have found just how spiritual I am through this experience and that has been a great thing. I also am reminded often that God does not give us anything more than we can handle. This will be a strange thing to hear but I am still grateful it happened to me and not someone else in my family. Do you know that I have been thinking about cancer in this way since I was a little girl, not wanting anyone else to have to suffer so let it be me. Guess I have learned to love that much that I wouldn't want to see them suffer and think I am strong enough.
    Tara
  • Balentine
    Balentine Member Posts: 393
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    24242 said:

    My mother's advice
    Others have touched on this and my own mother who is a palliative nurse asked me when she found out I had aggressive breast cancer, "Are you praying?" I was stunned by the question at first since as a family we quit going to church when I was 13. I thought it was funny coming from her but she asked the question again and I had to think about it.
    I decided I always pray maybe not conventionally but I do have this continued conversation with God and that was praying to me.
    I have found just how spiritual I am through this experience and that has been a great thing. I also am reminded often that God does not give us anything more than we can handle. This will be a strange thing to hear but I am still grateful it happened to me and not someone else in my family. Do you know that I have been thinking about cancer in this way since I was a little girl, not wanting anyone else to have to suffer so let it be me. Guess I have learned to love that much that I wouldn't want to see them suffer and think I am strong enough.
    Tara

    Prayer is simply our conversations with God
    Please rest assured that your simple conversations with God are prayers in the purest sense. God does not want to listen to repetitive or rehearsed words that did not come from our own hearts. He wants to hear us say the things we think and feel that He already knows come out of our own mouths. There is not a word in our tongue that He already does not know but just as we know our children love us but are thrilled to hear the words "I love you Mama" come out of their mouths so God also wants to hear the things He already knows are inside of us. Continue to talk to Him...pray without ceasing...meaning always have your heart bent toward God in all you think, say and do but take the time to listen also and He will speak to your heart what His will and plan is for you. Read Psalms 139 and God bless!
    Lorrie
  • SamuraiMom
    SamuraiMom Member Posts: 295
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    Mourning
    The mourning process I'm not sure will ever end. What we're going through or have gone through is so significant it's not something you can just "endure" and put in the delted items in your mental inbox. It's more like spam-annoying, pops up when you least expect and it never seems to stop coming no matter how many filters or anti-viral software uploads you purchase.

    I cry for so many on this website every night and we'll never meet.I feel like I actually know my "Invisi-Sisters" as I call them.

    You feel their pain because you've felt it so deeply and so personally yourself.

    But sharing in that is such a positive thing.

    I sometimes feel guilty about my situation when I read about how much worse others around me are suffering.

    I wish I could wave a magic wand over each and every person who needs help and make it all better.

    I know, because I needed a wand too.

    So I'm with you sister, let it out! Cry if you need to! Scream it! Stomp it! Get it out!

    We are regular people in an irregular situation. But we are people not the situation.

    HOWEVER, this situation takes regular people and turns them into Survivors and Heroes.

    And some even the Samurai.

    xxoo,
    SamuraiMom