I am now officially the WORST caregiver...ever

tmc576

Well, my mom has had a rough time these last two months since her surgery. She had SO many complications. But, thankfully, she has been getting better and better, and this past week, she has shown a huge improvement. She has been off of oxygen, out of her wheelchair, off the pain meds, and even the anxiety meds. She has really wanted to start driving and being independant again.

Yesterday was her first chemo treatment, and she had talked about driving herself, but i told her that i didn't think she was quite ready, and i wanted to be with her for at least the first time to see how she did. Everything went fine, and because she is so anemic, the dr ordered a blood transfusion for today. They told her it would take about 6 hours.

So, last night, she started saying that she was going to take herself, she said she wanted me to do the things i had planned for the day, that she was feeling good. Finally, I agreed that if she still felt good enough in the morning than i guess she could give it a try. (she is 55 years old, I'm not sure how much control I really have over her anyway )

This morning she felt good, and we were talking and laughing about how i felt like a momma bird letting her baby go. She went off to the drs, and i was off to take my three year old to her mommy and me class, that we have missed a lot lately. just as we were about to walk in, i got a call from my mom - she had wrecked her car. Of course my first concern was if she was ok, and she said she was, but her car was undrivable. the front wheel was blown out, the passenger side wouldnt open, and the whole car was up on the sidewalk. I called my husband who was closer to where she was than me, and told him i would meet him there.

Long story short (or a little shorter) we got her car into a parking lot, and I got her to her appointment. But, i feel like this is my fault - how could i have let her drive. i think part of it was i was relieved that she could start taking herself to some of her appts. I have missed so much work, and so many of my kids activities, that i think i was being selfish, and not realistic. My husband kind of acted like i should have stopped her. My dad was upset, i'm not sure if it was at me or the whole situation. Even my 3 yr old asked me "why did you let grandmom do that" Talk about guilt. To make matters worse, my parents can not afford to fix a car right now with my mom not working.

My mom told me it was not my fault, that she is an adult and made her own decision, but I feel horrible.

Tracey

Barbara53

stop beating yourself up
Your mother is right, it was her decision. It is not your fault that she wrecked her car, and certainly not your fault that your parents don't have the money to fix it. It's just how things are.

Where was your dad in all this?

Anyway, one of the things about cancer and treatment is the stop and go nature of caregiving. Your mother is getting ready to wilt from the chemo, so you'll be back on task as caregiver, and then she'll get better and you can clock out. For real. For the next few months, you can mark your calendar with her chemo cycles. After all this chaos, knowing what's ahead may help you get a little more control in your life.

And when you do get time off, arrange in advance for backup, and turn off your cellphone. If only for a little while, enjoy the luxury of detaching.

AnnaLeigh

Oh my, if we could predict the future
Tracey,

I know you must have felt horrible at first, but when we realize that we don't have a crystal ball that will predict everything, we have to give ourselves some slack. All indications were pointing towards her being able to handle the drive. Perhaps her fear of an accident caused her to be preoccupied and therefore she had an accident.

It's easy for bystanders to make comments about you "letting" her drive. Nobody can say for sure that they would not have done the same thing. Don't let anyone put the guilt trip on you. You questioned the situation and did your best beforehand.

At some point we have to let our loved ones take some responsibility for themselves and it does not always wind up with a good outcome.

Oh my, if only we did have some way to predict what would happen. Or better yet - if we had one of those Harry Potter magic wands to make everything go away - including their disease.

But we don't. We just do the best we can at the time.

You obviously love and care for your mother and do a splendid job of looking out for her best welfare. People will always judge. Letting their judgements roll off of you and moving on is an art form in itself, but a lifesaver.

ms.sunshine

AnnaLeigh said:

Oh my, if we could predict the future
Tracey,

I know you must have felt horrible at first, but when we realize that we don't have a crystal ball that will predict everything, we have to give ourselves some slack. All indications were pointing towards her being able to handle the drive. Perhaps her fear of an accident caused her to be preoccupied and therefore she had an accident.

It's easy for bystanders to make comments about you "letting" her drive. Nobody can say for sure that they would not have done the same thing. Don't let anyone put the guilt trip on you. You questioned the situation and did your best beforehand.

At some point we have to let our loved ones take some responsibility for themselves and it does not always wind up with a good outcome.

Oh my, if only we did have some way to predict what would happen. Or better yet - if we had one of those Harry Potter magic wands to make everything go away - including their disease.

But we don't. We just do the best we can at the time.

You obviously love and care for your mother and do a splendid job of looking out for her best welfare. People will always judge. Letting their judgements roll off of you and moving on is an art form in itself, but a lifesaver.

Crap just happens. I would
Crap just happens. I would have done the same thing, I would have let her drive. If you tried to stop her it would have been a blow up , and she would have drove anyways.

True story. My husband was and is my caregiver, when I was going thru chemo, I had chemo brain and was convinced I could drive to the store to buy a drink. He said no of course, and we argued for a minute. When he went to the bathroom I took the keys and drove off. I drove very slow made it there and back. Hubby didn't say much, I thought he would be mad, but he wasn't. Then I realized I had caused him so much worry, and stress. I felt so bad, as if he wasn't under enough stress and worry. When the chemo fog brain was gone and I was thinking right I realized how stupid it was for me to do that.

See you can only do so much.

ruthelizabeth

ms.sunshine said:

Crap just happens. I would
Crap just happens. I would have done the same thing, I would have let her drive. If you tried to stop her it would have been a blow up , and she would have drove anyways.

True story. My husband was and is my caregiver, when I was going thru chemo, I had chemo brain and was convinced I could drive to the store to buy a drink. He said no of course, and we argued for a minute. When he went to the bathroom I took the keys and drove off. I drove very slow made it there and back. Hubby didn't say much, I thought he would be mad, but he wasn't. Then I realized I had caused him so much worry, and stress. I felt so bad, as if he wasn't under enough stress and worry. When the chemo fog brain was gone and I was thinking right I realized how stupid it was for me to do that.

See you can only do so much.

You did the best you could.
Quantum in me fuit means roughly I did the best I could. Make it your motto.

YOu didn't shove the keys in your mother's hand and kick her out the door. She was used to being independent and she wanted to drive herself. You tried to reason her out of it and in the end she made the decision for you.

It's very hard to deal with your parents sometimes. YOu and they are used to them being in charge and making the decisions. More than likely, if you'd insisted on driving her, she'd have been very upset and would have felt that either you were trying to be too much in control or that you thought she was much sicker than she did. YOu were treading a fine line.

I won't say that men view cars and car damage differently than women do, but sometimes I think so.

What I will say is that it's very easy to be an armchair quarterback or, in this case, a backseat driver. If your husband had been the one making the decision, he might very well have done exactly what you did.

And have you considered that your mother is well aware of the time and attention you are giving her and really wants you to get more time with your child? She's not dumb. She knows you're sacrificing time with them by caring for her.

I think you did well and I'm convinced you need to give yourself more credit for all you do.

Tina Blondek

Hi Tracey
First I would like
Hi Tracey
First I would like to congratulate you and your mom. I was so happy that she has been doing better and better! That is wonderful news. As far as it being your fault that you let her drive herself, no way! Like you and she said, she is an adult, she was feeling up to it, so you both decided to let her go. Accidents can happen to anyone, at anytime. Glad she was ok, and it was just the car that got damaged. Rejoice in your recent news of her doing so much better! Do stop beating yourself up, you are doing a great job as being her caregiver! Best of luck to all of you. Keep us updated on her progress.
Tina

tmc576

Thanks
Thanks for your kind words. I do know that logically it's not my fault, but it is hard to kick that guilt out of my way! Everyone has calmed down, and I don't think anyone is blaming anyone anymore. My dad told me that my mom was a bad driver before she got sick, and we shouldn't expect that to change Still, once the car is fixed, it's going to be hard to let go of those keys......

SuzyQ67

You're a great caregiver
HI, please try not to blame yourself. My father is in the same "independant" stage now that he has days he feels better. God made sure your mom wasn't hurt, and as much as she wants to drive. I think you need to realize, she's your mom and more than likely, with ALL you do & give, as the "parent", she wanted you to have your own time. My dad keeps telling me how much I do, and he should be able to do things like before ( he's 70 with lung cancer, RAD & CHEMO) You didn't do anything wrong. Neither did your mom. It was an accident. Tracey, are you the only one available to drive your mom, like I am? Because I hear a dad and husband mentioned in your message. It's a faimily affair, and if your other family members actually felt strong enough that your mom should NOT have driven, and you had an errand of your own, than maybe the other family member could have taken her? You are NOT the worst caregiver ever. You are obviously giving all of yourself, and sometimes the other friends & family don't see that when things are going smoothly. I just told my 45 year old brother to "pick a Tuesday" because I cannot take dad EVERY day for rad and sit for 3-4 hrs every Tuesday. (I have a medical physical condition.) I have rushed my dad to the ER, and taken him for all his tests, had him transfered to a cancer center, met with all his doctors, taught him about carbs for his diabetes & meal insulin. And now we spend every morning going for treatment. I do need time for myself, like every human being we have our lives. Tracey, don't feel like it must all be handled by you. Ask for a helping hand if you need to. It's okay to ask.

tmc576

SuzyQ67 said:

You're a great caregiver
HI, please try not to blame yourself. My father is in the same "independant" stage now that he has days he feels better. God made sure your mom wasn't hurt, and as much as she wants to drive. I think you need to realize, she's your mom and more than likely, with ALL you do & give, as the "parent", she wanted you to have your own time. My dad keeps telling me how much I do, and he should be able to do things like before ( he's 70 with lung cancer, RAD & CHEMO) You didn't do anything wrong. Neither did your mom. It was an accident. Tracey, are you the only one available to drive your mom, like I am? Because I hear a dad and husband mentioned in your message. It's a faimily affair, and if your other family members actually felt strong enough that your mom should NOT have driven, and you had an errand of your own, than maybe the other family member could have taken her? You are NOT the worst caregiver ever. You are obviously giving all of yourself, and sometimes the other friends & family don't see that when things are going smoothly. I just told my 45 year old brother to "pick a Tuesday" because I cannot take dad EVERY day for rad and sit for 3-4 hrs every Tuesday. (I have a medical physical condition.) I have rushed my dad to the ER, and taken him for all his tests, had him transfered to a cancer center, met with all his doctors, taught him about carbs for his diabetes & meal insulin. And now we spend every morning going for treatment. I do need time for myself, like every human being we have our lives. Tracey, don't feel like it must all be handled by you. Ask for a helping hand if you need to. It's okay to ask.

I have some help, but....
My dad has a very unflexible, uncaring job. When my mom was first in the hospital, she was in such bad shape, we really didn't think she would make it. My dad told his job that he had to take a week off to be with her. They told him he might not have a job when he comes back. He got a call on that Friday from a supervisor giving him the heads up that if he didn't come in Monday they were going to fire him. My mom was showing some improvement by then, so he went back. Occasionally they let him off early because there is not enough work - if my mom has any appts on those days he takes her. My mom lives with me for a number or reasons - I am home more often, my boss allows me to work a flexible schedule, including some time from home, my parents house only has one bathroom (upstairs) and my mom has just started being able to go up stairs, plus my dad smokes - he would be willing to smoke outside, but it is all built up in the house, which is a no no for my mom. Also, I am the only one my mom wants when she is not feeling good, which is hard sometimes.

Anyway, my dad comes over every evening for an hour or so, and a good chunk on the weekend.

My brother also has a job that isn't very flexible, he is also in a management position that has seen many cuts lately. He is off on Tues, and takes my mom then if we ask. He has occasionaly done a Thurs morning appt if I beg.

My husband works 6 days a week, he has missed time to watch the kids while i did things for my mom, or taken the kids to work with him. He also helps out alot at home. When my mom needs things in the middle of the night, he is happy to help so i can get some sleep. however, not getting much help from the rest of the family is putting a strain on our marriage - not that he minds what I do, just that no one else is really stepping up. And when I just need him to vent to, he starts telling me random people that I should ask for help. it's not that i mind asking, but my mom would have to be comfortable with the people taking her to things, and he doesn't understand it. I have told him that when we end up in these discussions, it just makes me feel worse, and it takes away the one person i feel i can let out my frustrations too. He doesn't understand, and now we are not speaking at all.

Sometimes i feel like I just can't handle anymore.

Tracey

Tina Blondek

tmc576 said:

I have some help, but....
My dad has a very unflexible, uncaring job. When my mom was first in the hospital, she was in such bad shape, we really didn't think she would make it. My dad told his job that he had to take a week off to be with her. They told him he might not have a job when he comes back. He got a call on that Friday from a supervisor giving him the heads up that if he didn't come in Monday they were going to fire him. My mom was showing some improvement by then, so he went back. Occasionally they let him off early because there is not enough work - if my mom has any appts on those days he takes her. My mom lives with me for a number or reasons - I am home more often, my boss allows me to work a flexible schedule, including some time from home, my parents house only has one bathroom (upstairs) and my mom has just started being able to go up stairs, plus my dad smokes - he would be willing to smoke outside, but it is all built up in the house, which is a no no for my mom. Also, I am the only one my mom wants when she is not feeling good, which is hard sometimes.

Anyway, my dad comes over every evening for an hour or so, and a good chunk on the weekend.

My brother also has a job that isn't very flexible, he is also in a management position that has seen many cuts lately. He is off on Tues, and takes my mom then if we ask. He has occasionaly done a Thurs morning appt if I beg.

My husband works 6 days a week, he has missed time to watch the kids while i did things for my mom, or taken the kids to work with him. He also helps out alot at home. When my mom needs things in the middle of the night, he is happy to help so i can get some sleep. however, not getting much help from the rest of the family is putting a strain on our marriage - not that he minds what I do, just that no one else is really stepping up. And when I just need him to vent to, he starts telling me random people that I should ask for help. it's not that i mind asking, but my mom would have to be comfortable with the people taking her to things, and he doesn't understand it. I have told him that when we end up in these discussions, it just makes me feel worse, and it takes away the one person i feel i can let out my frustrations too. He doesn't understand, and now we are not speaking at all.

Sometimes i feel like I just can't handle anymore.

Tracey

Time to Call In Some Help?
Hi TMC
I was wondering if you have considered bringing in some help. Home healthcare nurses, visiting angels, or even hospice. You do have way too much on your plate, and unfortunately it seems like no one else in your family seems to be wanting to step up to the plate. You do not want your marriage or family to suffer at this time. You are only one person, and you can not expect to be able to do it all! Hoping you will consider my ideas. Keep in touch.
Tina

ruthelizabeth

Tina Blondek said:

Time to Call In Some Help?
Hi TMC
I was wondering if you have considered bringing in some help. Home healthcare nurses, visiting angels, or even hospice. You do have way too much on your plate, and unfortunately it seems like no one else in your family seems to be wanting to step up to the plate. You do not want your marriage or family to suffer at this time. You are only one person, and you can not expect to be able to do it all! Hoping you will consider my ideas. Keep in touch.
Tina

"My mom would have to be comfortable...."
When my husband was FINALLY referred to hospice, they were a blessing. He too disliked the idea of nonfamily members caring for him and a wise nurse told me that I needed to begin having someone come and bathe him or shave him or change the bed from time to time. She said that one day he'd have to go into the facility and he should begin to get used to having others care for him. As it was, he didn't go in until his last day, but she was right. You may one day need outside help for your mom. Beginning to have someone in occasionally will be the wisest and kindest thing you can do for her.

tmc576

I think....
what I am trying to avoid is the drama having others help would cause. My mom would start in on the "I'm too much of a burden on you," "I will leave and let you have your life back", etc, etc. I will ask for help if I absolutely have to, but for the most part its less dramatic to just do it myself. It's gets old to constantly reassure someone that you love them and want to care for them, and that my needing help doesn't mean I don't want to take care of her.

SuzyQ67

tmc576 said:

I think....
what I am trying to avoid is the drama having others help would cause. My mom would start in on the "I'm too much of a burden on you," "I will leave and let you have your life back", etc, etc. I will ask for help if I absolutely have to, but for the most part its less dramatic to just do it myself. It's gets old to constantly reassure someone that you love them and want to care for them, and that my needing help doesn't mean I don't want to take care of her.

I understand your situation- you're doing great
I have the same situation, with the difference being I live at their home, and am trying to get mine ready to sell since it's too small for the 3 of us. My mom has muscular distrophy & it's way too hard for her to walk much let alone take my dad to his treatment/appointments. I had a good job, but was injured/accident too much to return. So...my DR is grooming me for the reality- I'm stuck with my condition. I have physical pain & limitations,but I feel silly comparing my injuries to ANYONE dealing with cancer. It is exhausting being a caretaker and I think you're doing sooo much. And working from home. I'm glad your dad was able to keep his job. After all these years with cancer being such a devil- corporate sure adds to the problems at times. My father retired due to his cancer. But - my uncle went thru the same issue with my aunts cancer being told if you take 1 more day- you'll loose your job. So much for FMLA. They state if you have a specialty position- it must be filled.
I see how close you are to your mom & as long as you can care for her I think your outlook on it is true. Just promise us you don't blame the accident on yourself anymore.

tmc576

SuzyQ67 said:

I understand your situation- you're doing great
I have the same situation, with the difference being I live at their home, and am trying to get mine ready to sell since it's too small for the 3 of us. My mom has muscular distrophy & it's way too hard for her to walk much let alone take my dad to his treatment/appointments. I had a good job, but was injured/accident too much to return. So...my DR is grooming me for the reality- I'm stuck with my condition. I have physical pain & limitations,but I feel silly comparing my injuries to ANYONE dealing with cancer. It is exhausting being a caretaker and I think you're doing sooo much. And working from home. I'm glad your dad was able to keep his job. After all these years with cancer being such a devil- corporate sure adds to the problems at times. My father retired due to his cancer. But - my uncle went thru the same issue with my aunts cancer being told if you take 1 more day- you'll loose your job. So much for FMLA. They state if you have a specialty position- it must be filled.
I see how close you are to your mom & as long as you can care for her I think your outlook on it is true. Just promise us you don't blame the accident on yourself anymore.

I think...
you are allowed to talk about your pain too. I'm sorry you have to deal with that on top of taking care of your dad and your mom too. The whole work/money thing is so hard. Obviously the time and care our loved ones need is the most important thing....but we still have to support ourselves and our families. It is a difficult balance. And the other thing with FMLA, is your employer has to have more than 50 employees. Even then, they are required to hold your position, but not to pay you.