Emotions

vickyen
vickyen Member Posts: 2
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
Is anyone else feeling like they live with Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde? My husband is being treated with radiation for neck/throat cancer and I really am trying to be supportive - however I am so tired of feeling like the whipping gal! When I come in and he grunts at me, then I ask a question and get my head bite off! What the heck? It is hard to feel like the loving/caring caregiver that I think I usually am, when he acts like a total jerk! I have gone with him to the doctor appointments, I think I get what is going on physically with him and that he is so uncomfortable and unable to eat/swallow very well, but being a jerk to me does not help! Is this normal? Am I just wallowing in self pity? I am very frustrated and not sure how to handle this! I work outside the home, work inside the home, try to help him as much as possible and we are on the down slide for the treatments - he has 8 more to go, so there is a light at the end of this tunnel, but I am really tired of being verbally abused in the process! It is not always terrible, but when it is, it really sucks! Any suggestions?

Comments

  • ruthelizabeth
    ruthelizabeth Member Posts: 138
    #2
    Well, just a guess
    Don was rarely short with me. However, if you have a good relationship with someone, you feel safe taking your feelings and your fear and your discomfort out on them.

    I can't offer much of a solution. I won't insult you by telling you to consider how he acts a compliment or an indication of how much he trusts and loves you. You'd be justified in hitting me upside the head.

    However, you might find a good excuse to leave when it starts. Consider saying something like "I know you're really uncomfortable and upset right now. I've had a long day, too. I think what we both need is -- fill in what he can still manage like a cup of tea or a cold drink." Then go and take your time making it.

    This will get you out of the line of fire and give you both a chance to get into a better situation. WHo knows? The tea may help, too.

    And eventually he may get the point that you're unset and be able to act more kindly.

    Keep us posted.
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #3
    Good Advice
    I think ruthelizabeth's advice is really good. I didn't have a lot of experience with this, but I know others have. Have you told him you feel like he is verbally abusing you? Sometimes they don't even realize that they are doing this. You might want to remind him that you are just trying to help. I had to do that occasionally. In the meantime, feel welcome to come here and vent. Fay
  • Tina Blondek
    Tina Blondek Member Posts: 1,500 Member
    #4
    Hi Vickey and welcome
    Sorry
    Hi Vickey and welcome
    Sorry you are having a difficult time with your husband. I was a caregiver for my dad. He passed away in March from ec with mets to the liver. He and my mom had their days of bickering back and forth. I made sure that dad got to speak with a counselor to discuss his feelings. He and mom also went to the counselor together. This journey with cancer brings with it many many thoughts and emotions. Mom and dad also started a daily journal. This proved to be very helpful for them to communicate on paper, rather than to eachother. I also made sure that dad was taking an anti depressant/anti anxiety medication. He was put on Lexapro. This proved to be very helpful.

    Before you continue this vicious battle, reach out for help from his drs and the facility you are going to. It is normal for the patient to have many ups and downs, but the counseling and the medication will help to show you both "why" he is acting and feeling this way. Good luck. Keep in touch.
    Tina
  • ms.sunshine
    ms.sunshine Member Posts: 707 Member
    #5
    Can't really give any advice
    Can't really give any advice on being a caregiver. I want to say I am the cancer patient my husband is my caregiver. I never have been hateful towards him. I appreciate all he does. I see him as my rock, we are in this together. I need him strong for the two of us. After all he or any other caregiver doesn't have to be there. It's not written in stone, " you shall stay and give him/her care." For anyone with cancer to have a loving supportive spouse is blessed and should thank God for their caregiver.

    I wish you the best. I know it is hard, but try to take time for yourself.
  • ruthelizabeth
    ruthelizabeth Member Posts: 138
    #6
    ms.sunshine said:

    Can't really give any advice
    Can't really give any advice on being a caregiver. I want to say I am the cancer patient my husband is my caregiver. I never have been hateful towards him. I appreciate all he does. I see him as my rock, we are in this together. I need him strong for the two of us. After all he or any other caregiver doesn't have to be there. It's not written in stone, " you shall stay and give him/her care." For anyone with cancer to have a loving supportive spouse is blessed and should thank God for their caregiver.

    I wish you the best. I know it is hard, but try to take time for yourself.

    umm, yes, but...
    It always surprised Don a little that I waited in the hospital when he had surgery or went with him to dr's appts., etc. WHen he got home after having 4-way bypass years before he married me, his wife then basically handed him a bag of hard candy and left for work.

    But we took the traditional vows. I always knew more heart problems were a possibility. I didn't exactly think of cancer, but when it arrived, well, I signed on for the duration. He would have done the same for me.
  • vickyen
    vickyen Member Posts: 2
    #7
    ruthelizabeth said:

    umm, yes, but...
    It always surprised Don a little that I waited in the hospital when he had surgery or went with him to dr's appts., etc. WHen he got home after having 4-way bypass years before he married me, his wife then basically handed him a bag of hard candy and left for work.

    But we took the traditional vows. I always knew more heart problems were a possibility. I didn't exactly think of cancer, but when it arrived, well, I signed on for the duration. He would have done the same for me.

    Thanks everyone!
    I appreciate everyone's comments and they are worth trying! We have been together for a very long time and I am in it for the long haul - just get tired of my "tone" of voice or a question setting him off. The walking away and taking a break from one another may be my best line of defense, as I do not think he will consider counseling or meds, as that is a sign of "weakness". I am trying really hard to understand that he does not feel good, is in pain all the time and is just generally not a happy camper right now. Some day we will hopefully look back on this time and realize even though it was not fun, we made it through it together!
  • onhold
    onhold Member Posts: 23
    #8
    vickyen said:

    Thanks everyone!
    I appreciate everyone's comments and they are worth trying! We have been together for a very long time and I am in it for the long haul - just get tired of my "tone" of voice or a question setting him off. The walking away and taking a break from one another may be my best line of defense, as I do not think he will consider counseling or meds, as that is a sign of "weakness". I am trying really hard to understand that he does not feel good, is in pain all the time and is just generally not a happy camper right now. Some day we will hopefully look back on this time and realize even though it was not fun, we made it through it together!

    emotions
    I can understand how you feel when your husband takes out his frustration on you. And the advice to walk away for a few minutes is good. I would add a bit though, based on my experience and my own situation.
    My husband has had cancer over a decade. Most of the treatments he has gotten have been relatively easy for him to take, surgery & back to his life. This time was different, much more difficult, chemo taking place over a year, very rapid growth of multiple tumors, and he has started to snap at me. I know he has had a life of relative health, never gets ill with the common stuff, so he does not know how to deal with feeling unwell. And he is used to being the guy that others go to for help, so asking for help is difficult.
    I just had to lay it out to him at a time when he was feeling ok, I had a rational conversation with him about how I felt, and about how he was treating me. I also reminded him that wearing out the caregiver will not do him any good in the long run. Then, the next time he snapped at me I reminded him that he was treating me unfairly and asked him to stop it. And again, and again. He has gotten better about it, and I have gotten better at remaining calm and not responding to his anger.
    I hope you both get through the last few treatments.
  • junklady
    junklady Member Posts: 88 Member
    #9
    onhold said:

    emotions
    I can understand how you feel when your husband takes out his frustration on you. And the advice to walk away for a few minutes is good. I would add a bit though, based on my experience and my own situation.
    My husband has had cancer over a decade. Most of the treatments he has gotten have been relatively easy for him to take, surgery & back to his life. This time was different, much more difficult, chemo taking place over a year, very rapid growth of multiple tumors, and he has started to snap at me. I know he has had a life of relative health, never gets ill with the common stuff, so he does not know how to deal with feeling unwell. And he is used to being the guy that others go to for help, so asking for help is difficult.
    I just had to lay it out to him at a time when he was feeling ok, I had a rational conversation with him about how I felt, and about how he was treating me. I also reminded him that wearing out the caregiver will not do him any good in the long run. Then, the next time he snapped at me I reminded him that he was treating me unfairly and asked him to stop it. And again, and again. He has gotten better about it, and I have gotten better at remaining calm and not responding to his anger.
    I hope you both get through the last few treatments.

    Emotions too
    I understand the frustration coming from the husband. I'm there too. Sometimes I feel the responses he makes are directed at me with anger. It is very hard to accept this. I have to walk away to another space and re-group, then come back. I have to understand that he is frustrated, sick and in pain. Facing uncertainty. He cannot speak anymore, everything is written. He admitted the other day that he is so miserable and that is why he is grouchy. I guess as caregivers we just have to be thankful our loved one is still with us, accept the good , bad, and ugly of cancer. It's very hard, but we have to do it. Take care and hope this helps a little.
  • Tina Blondek
    Tina Blondek Member Posts: 1,500 Member
    #10
    junklady said:

    Emotions too
    I understand the frustration coming from the husband. I'm there too. Sometimes I feel the responses he makes are directed at me with anger. It is very hard to accept this. I have to walk away to another space and re-group, then come back. I have to understand that he is frustrated, sick and in pain. Facing uncertainty. He cannot speak anymore, everything is written. He admitted the other day that he is so miserable and that is why he is grouchy. I guess as caregivers we just have to be thankful our loved one is still with us, accept the good , bad, and ugly of cancer. It's very hard, but we have to do it. Take care and hope this helps a little.

    Hi Junklady
    I just wanted to
    Hi Junklady
    I just wanted to say that I am so sorry that you and your husband are having such a hard time with this cancer. It is so hard to see our love one decline before our eyes. It is so hard to hear that they are miserable. I lost my dad to ec in March. By that point, he no longer had any quality of life. He could not walk, could not get out of bed, he was constantly in pain, and on pain killers that made him loopy. It came to the point that we as a family had to respect dad's decision to give up. We all gave him our blessing. Once he knew that, he was able to pass on peacefully. We miss him tremendously, we think of him daily, but we are comforted in knowing that he is now in the Kingdom of God. I am telling you of our story so maybe you and your husband can analyze his quality of life. There does come a time in this journey that enough is enough. Peace be with you at his difficult time.
    Keep in touch when you can.
    Tina
  • tabbyalford
    tabbyalford Member Posts: 2
    #11
    Hi vickyen i can relate
    Hi Vickyen year ago throat and lung cancer chemo then chemo and radition i know it's terrible and i know he's he pain but don't take it out on me i'm just trying to help and i also work full time.
  • Ladydi1211
    Ladydi1211 Member Posts: 1
    #12
    Emotions - Father's Day
    Wow! This is my first post but I could certainly relate to your message. I often feel like I can't do anything right around my husband. He is undergoing chemo treatments for stage 4 non-small cell lung cancer. Around people, he is always so positive and upbeat but when it's just him and me, it's totally different. I don't say or do the right thing. So sometimes I choose not to say anything and then he gets angry because I'm not talking. He was diagnosed in April so we are relatively new to all of this. We both go to a cancer support group but there's only one other caregiver and right now that's who I need to talk to- without my husband being there.
    Father's Day was very emotional for him (and the rest of the family). Although we are all praying and hoping that he'll be one of the lucky ones, there's always that little voice telling you "this might be the last one... last birthday, last Father's Day....) My husband cried alot and all I could do was hold him for fear of saying the wrong thing.
  • zinniemay
    zinniemay Member Posts: 522
    #13
    Emotions
    Oh girl, my husband is the same way , he had Chemo and Radaition last year and hs cancer has come back. I feel like he hates me. So You are not along,
    I can't suggest anything other than take time to remember he is sick and he is scared. He is lashing out. He is angry . Just take it one day at a time.
  • nyogus1
    nyogus1 Member Posts: 30
    #14
    zinniemay said:

    Emotions
    Oh girl, my husband is the same way , he had Chemo and Radaition last year and hs cancer has come back. I feel like he hates me. So You are not along,
    I can't suggest anything other than take time to remember he is sick and he is scared. He is lashing out. He is angry . Just take it one day at a time.

    Emotions
    I am feeling the pain of emotions too. My husband is 1/2 way through 18 chemo treatments. He was diagnosed in April with stage 4 non small cell lung cancer. He has never yelled at me in the 8 years I've known him. He yelled at me yesterday. He said some hurtful things about me and my daughter. I'm at my wits end. I am glad I read this discussion board, as I thought it was just him. I never would have even thought about the drugs he is getting causing this mood swing. There is no way he would consider discussing Meds for depression with his Dr. I still have some anger, as I feel there is no way his illness gives him the right to treat me like that. Reading these messages have helped though. I'm glad I looked. I'm just as new to this as he is.
  • zinniemay
    zinniemay Member Posts: 522
    #15
    nyogus1 said:

    Emotions
    I am feeling the pain of emotions too. My husband is 1/2 way through 18 chemo treatments. He was diagnosed in April with stage 4 non small cell lung cancer. He has never yelled at me in the 8 years I've known him. He yelled at me yesterday. He said some hurtful things about me and my daughter. I'm at my wits end. I am glad I read this discussion board, as I thought it was just him. I never would have even thought about the drugs he is getting causing this mood swing. There is no way he would consider discussing Meds for depression with his Dr. I still have some anger, as I feel there is no way his illness gives him the right to treat me like that. Reading these messages have helped though. I'm glad I looked. I'm just as new to this as he is.

    love
    I know that my husband loves me I have never questioned that. I also know he is very scared, The drugs he is taking make him sick. He knows his cancer is back.He had Chemo for 7 weeks and radaition in 2009.Him mother died of cancer when he was nine.So he never smoked and he was not a dranker. So Wednesday he had Chemo the first nurse stuck him and you could see the air in the needle She missed the vien, She try moving the needle , So when went and got another nurse who stuck him again missed so she tried the other arm missed again, So she went to get another nurse, She got the needle in. To set and watch this was so hard yet, I know it was harder on him. He took it live a trooper. He has a right to be angry and it does hurt but who can he talk to? Where can he go? I am with him 7 days a week So I know he will sometimes say something I don't want or need to hear. We just have to remember they are sick , scared and feel alone . I get upset not because he yells, it is because I don't know how to help him. What I can do to make it easier for him.
  • nyogus1
    nyogus1 Member Posts: 30
    #16
    zinniemay said:

    love
    I know that my husband loves me I have never questioned that. I also know he is very scared, The drugs he is taking make him sick. He knows his cancer is back.He had Chemo for 7 weeks and radaition in 2009.Him mother died of cancer when he was nine.So he never smoked and he was not a dranker. So Wednesday he had Chemo the first nurse stuck him and you could see the air in the needle She missed the vien, She try moving the needle , So when went and got another nurse who stuck him again missed so she tried the other arm missed again, So she went to get another nurse, She got the needle in. To set and watch this was so hard yet, I know it was harder on him. He took it live a trooper. He has a right to be angry and it does hurt but who can he talk to? Where can he go? I am with him 7 days a week So I know he will sometimes say something I don't want or need to hear. We just have to remember they are sick , scared and feel alone . I get upset not because he yells, it is because I don't know how to help him. What I can do to make it easier for him.

    Need help
    Things are escalating. He has been picking on my daughter, I think making her the skapegoat for all the anger he has. Nothing she does or how she acts is right. When she tries to be nice, he is not nice back. Yesterday morning he demanded I move her to her Dad's. She is 19 years old, and has a full time job on her summer break. She was on the Dean's list at school in the Spring. She is a college student, and I'm sure does some partying, but is certainly not a addict of anything. I did move her, but not for the reasons he says. I moved her because I think the environment is not good for her! He is suffering from the devastating diagnosis, the fact that he has to give up his business, he moved to my house when we got married in May (changes, changes). He is trying to finish his last job which is late because his chemo, Dr. appts; and pain, lack of concentraton, fatigue, etc., etc. He cried yesterday for 30 minutes at Chemo talking with a nurse. The nurse asked about depression, but he said he didn't want any drugs. I think it's best my daughter is NOT there. But my heart is breaking. We have been together 8 years, just living separately. We married so that he could be on my insurance and because I will care for him. I don't want out, I just want to find a way for him to get through this. Will it ever improve? I'm going to a counselor today. He says he will go to one next week. I pray to God that he actually goes to talk to someone. He needs help. I feel him turning his back on me.

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