Too scared to be happy

Tina Brown

I just wondered if anyone ever felt the anti-climax I am feeling after receiving positve news from the hospital. My oncologist (himself) phoned me the other day to offer good news that my CT scan was positive and there is No Evidence of Disease on any of my major oragns or lymph nodes. This is a really positive outcome for me as I have PPC and he ended his phone call with "I think it will be a while before you'll need further treatment".

This was the best news & result I could hope for BUT why do I not feel elated? I will admit to having prepared myself for a more pesimistic prognosis that had me receiveing more chemo as the disease had not responded to the chemo.

I now feel a bit in limbo. Yes I am pleased that I have a reprieve but there is something nagging in the back of my mind that WILL NOT LET me relax and celebrate. Is this a normal reaction do you think?

I am loving my hair growing back & that is a really big thing for me. I think my hair was my best feature and I am now so pleased it will have a chance of coming back along with my eye brows and eye lashes.

I just wondered if anyone else had similar feelings when they had their first results?

Love and lots of it to you all Tina xx

nancy591

YES!
Tina,

You have recv'd wonderful news!!! I would love to be in your position. I worried myself constantly when I completed treatment. I completed my initial treatment April '09 and joined this group Sept. '09. That tells you that I was obsessing about recurrence. I wish I could go back now and live as if I was cancer free again. I wish somebody had told me, 'this is as good as its gonna get'. Looking back at that time I now realize 'that was as good as its gonna get'. I am still hopeful for another remission of course.

TRY to enjoy this time. Easier said then done for sure!

emilywillis

nancy591 said:

YES!
Tina,

You have recv'd wonderful news!!! I would love to be in your position. I worried myself constantly when I completed treatment. I completed my initial treatment April '09 and joined this group Sept. '09. That tells you that I was obsessing about recurrence. I wish I could go back now and live as if I was cancer free again. I wish somebody had told me, 'this is as good as its gonna get'. Looking back at that time I now realize 'that was as good as its gonna get'. I am still hopeful for another remission of course.

TRY to enjoy this time. Easier said then done for sure!

Nancy, you have not left my
Nancy, you have not left my thoughts. I only know your words and not you- but I see your kind heart and fearless soul though those words of kindness and empowerment.

It is eaier said then done, I look back on my life and think of everything I wish I never took for granted- I don't have the family you have but still things in life I truly charish.

I wish you luck in the battle and I hope to learn more about you. As you can tell I am in a better mood today.

TINA! get out and live that life you have been given. Your good news shows that good news can happen.

lindaprocopio

emilywillis said:

Nancy, you have not left my
Nancy, you have not left my thoughts. I only know your words and not you- but I see your kind heart and fearless soul though those words of kindness and empowerment.

It is eaier said then done, I look back on my life and think of everything I wish I never took for granted- I don't have the family you have but still things in life I truly charish.

I wish you luck in the battle and I hope to learn more about you. As you can tell I am in a better mood today.

TINA! get out and live that life you have been given. Your good news shows that good news can happen.

Let the JOY wash over you, girl!
I remember being shell-shocked when I got the unexpected good news that my CT/PET was clear in February. It took a couple of days to really take it in, and then the JOY hit me like a ton of bricks. We had an early spring, ANOTHER unexpected gift, with record-breaking warm temperatures in March, and it seemed as if I'd been given a wonderful present. Every day I stepped outside, rain or shine, and turned my face up to the sun or the wind and SMILED with simple joy. Reach for that; don't fight it. ALLOW yourself to be happy!

For me, the remission lasted only 4 months, but I know I didn't waste my 4 months. I loved every single day of it and still feel blessed to have had it. As Nancy said, remission is as good as life gets, a taste of the 'old you', the 'no-cancer' you. You'll never put on mascara again without smiling with a new appreciation for the wonder of eyelashes!

Tomorrow, go outside and lay down in the grass and look up at the sky and let the joy hit home. LIFE IS GOOD! BE GREEDY ABOUT IT!

azgrandma

lindaprocopio said:

Let the JOY wash over you, girl!
I remember being shell-shocked when I got the unexpected good news that my CT/PET was clear in February. It took a couple of days to really take it in, and then the JOY hit me like a ton of bricks. We had an early spring, ANOTHER unexpected gift, with record-breaking warm temperatures in March, and it seemed as if I'd been given a wonderful present. Every day I stepped outside, rain or shine, and turned my face up to the sun or the wind and SMILED with simple joy. Reach for that; don't fight it. ALLOW yourself to be happy!

For me, the remission lasted only 4 months, but I know I didn't waste my 4 months. I loved every single day of it and still feel blessed to have had it. As Nancy said, remission is as good as life gets, a taste of the 'old you', the 'no-cancer' you. You'll never put on mascara again without smiling with a new appreciation for the wonder of eyelashes!

Tomorrow, go outside and lay down in the grass and look up at the sky and let the joy hit home. LIFE IS GOOD! BE GREEDY ABOUT IT!

so glad for you
thant is so great

katie.bug

I would just like to say Yes
I would just like to say Yes this is a normal reaction. My dr told me I would go through a time of depression cuz of not having cancer any more and I thought "what? no way"

..but for 9 months I always had someone looking out for me, my dr, the nurses, my family, the people at church, my friends. I was always asked how I was doing, people were always hugging me and telling me I looked good. Then the final treatment was over. All the care and attention I was receiving stopped. Its wonderful to be healthy, no doubt but I had to learn to resume my normal life again without all the care and attention I was previously getting from friends and family.

I enjoyed the oncology nurses and how they always treated me like royalty and my good news was their good news.

so many feelings go along with having cancer and it doesn't stop just because you are in remission. I thought it would but it doesn't.

Enjoy your good news and live life even better then you were before

BonnieR

Yes
Dear Tina, this is very common when a person has been in the fight mode for awhile. I am sure today the joy of the news has sunk in and you are already feeling different. Congratulations on the wonderful news...we are all dancing with you. Hugs ♥ Prayers Bonnie

nancy591

emilywillis said:

Nancy, you have not left my
Nancy, you have not left my thoughts. I only know your words and not you- but I see your kind heart and fearless soul though those words of kindness and empowerment.

It is eaier said then done, I look back on my life and think of everything I wish I never took for granted- I don't have the family you have but still things in life I truly charish.

I wish you luck in the battle and I hope to learn more about you. As you can tell I am in a better mood today.

TINA! get out and live that life you have been given. Your good news shows that good news can happen.

thank you
Thank you, Emily. I have thought of you too. I often share stories I read on here with my family. Be well, Emily and visit often!!!! Good luck with your upcoming surgery!!

Tina Brown

BonnieR said:

Yes
Dear Tina, this is very common when a person has been in the fight mode for awhile. I am sure today the joy of the news has sunk in and you are already feeling different. Congratulations on the wonderful news...we are all dancing with you. Hugs ♥ Prayers Bonnie

Thank-you
Thank-you it is so up lifting to come on here and know you can share your news and feelings with other ladies who know JUST how you are feeling. Most days I rush home to these boards so I can catch up with all of the news and gossip. It is a wonderful place.

Keep posting everyone

Tina xx

azgrandma

Tina Brown said:

Thank-you
Thank-you it is so up lifting to come on here and know you can share your news and feelings with other ladies who know JUST how you are feeling. Most days I rush home to these boards so I can catch up with all of the news and gossip. It is a wonderful place.

Keep posting everyone

Tina xx

Tina we are here for you
Hi Tina
we are dancing with you an glad

sanam

Tina Brown said:

Thank-you
Thank-you it is so up lifting to come on here and know you can share your news and feelings with other ladies who know JUST how you are feeling. Most days I rush home to these boards so I can catch up with all of the news and gossip. It is a wonderful place.

Keep posting everyone

Tina xx

Great news
I am very new to this site and I realy felt good for you.
I always imagine to get this good news for my mom after her treatment.
If I tell you I can understand your feelings that wouldn't be true bacause I haven't benn through this journey but I can say that I am soooooooo happy for you and wish you a very very very very long and cheerful remission.Hugs...

saundra

Tina Brown said:

Thank-you
Thank-you it is so up lifting to come on here and know you can share your news and feelings with other ladies who know JUST how you are feeling. Most days I rush home to these boards so I can catch up with all of the news and gossip. It is a wonderful place.

Keep posting everyone

Tina xx

Enjoy
ENJOY ENJOY ENJOY!!! Saundra

msfanciful

Hello my friend,
First, I
Hello my friend,

First, I want you to enjoy the good news. Go out and celebrate. Do something! ! !

Yes; it's sooo normal to have that little nagging feeling in the back of your mind that it's too good to be true.

The one thing I have learned about living with cancer is that it has taught me how to live/enjoy one day at a time. For the longest time, I wasted so much precious energy wondering about the what ifs and the what fors that I couldn't even function on any level for a time. Let that nagging feeling go Tina, it's not only counter-productive it's also an energy drainer.

You have so much energy and life that it would be a shame for you to waste it.


So... Congratulations and enjoy your life.

Love,

Sharon

Tina Brown

msfanciful said:

Hello my friend,
First, I
Hello my friend,

First, I want you to enjoy the good news. Go out and celebrate. Do something! ! !

Yes; it's sooo normal to have that little nagging feeling in the back of your mind that it's too good to be true.

The one thing I have learned about living with cancer is that it has taught me how to live/enjoy one day at a time. For the longest time, I wasted so much precious energy wondering about the what ifs and the what fors that I couldn't even function on any level for a time. Let that nagging feeling go Tina, it's not only counter-productive it's also an energy drainer.

You have so much energy and life that it would be a shame for you to waste it.


So... Congratulations and enjoy your life.

Love,

Sharon

Hugs to you all
Thank-you for all of your comments. It is 8 weeks since my last chemo. My hair is growing back furiously and every day I look in the mirror it seems thicker and longer. (My currrent photo was taken before any hair started growing) I have a full set of eye brows - they were the first hair to come back. I also have eye lashes coming and I refer to them as "dwarf eye lashes"

I am slowly relaxing and getting used to this feeling (just really scared to really feel happy & relaxed in case it comes back) My tummy got bloated the other evening (after a particulary enjoyable Italian meal & wine) I lay in bed and convinced myself that the asistes had come back. But of course everything was back to normal in the morning.

I am also expecting to get my fitness and weight back to my "pre-cancer" state. I worked hard 2 years ago to achieve a 2 stone weight loss and increase my running to a half marathon standard. It took me about 8 months. So therefore I am thinking I can do the same now. But NO - I have tried the same tactics and it is not happening. In fact I did too much running and it made me quite ill and forced me to rest for a whole week. I need to listen to me body and take it easy.

I think it will take me over a year to get me back to what I was..............but I am still here and that is all that matters. I am starting to go out "Commando" (no wig or scarf) I get looks but "hey" I don't care

Love to you all Tina xx

Cindy54

Tina Brown said:

Hugs to you all
Thank-you for all of your comments. It is 8 weeks since my last chemo. My hair is growing back furiously and every day I look in the mirror it seems thicker and longer. (My currrent photo was taken before any hair started growing) I have a full set of eye brows - they were the first hair to come back. I also have eye lashes coming and I refer to them as "dwarf eye lashes"

I am slowly relaxing and getting used to this feeling (just really scared to really feel happy & relaxed in case it comes back) My tummy got bloated the other evening (after a particulary enjoyable Italian meal & wine) I lay in bed and convinced myself that the asistes had come back. But of course everything was back to normal in the morning.

I am also expecting to get my fitness and weight back to my "pre-cancer" state. I worked hard 2 years ago to achieve a 2 stone weight loss and increase my running to a half marathon standard. It took me about 8 months. So therefore I am thinking I can do the same now. But NO - I have tried the same tactics and it is not happening. In fact I did too much running and it made me quite ill and forced me to rest for a whole week. I need to listen to me body and take it easy.

I think it will take me over a year to get me back to what I was..............but I am still here and that is all that matters. I am starting to go out "Commando" (no wig or scarf) I get looks but "hey" I don't care

Love to you all Tina xx

Tina
Tina, I also was not "slap happy" with joy when they told me about NED. Maybe because I have fought so many things for such a long time. Last summer I went to my first Relay for Life ever. Walked in the survivors group. And it hit me. I survived! All of my family is gone, but I made it! That was my "aha" moment.

I still have my down moments. But I have a joy inside that no one can touch or take away from me. I hope you get there too. Hugs, Cindy

saundra

lindaprocopio said:

Let the JOY wash over you, girl!
I remember being shell-shocked when I got the unexpected good news that my CT/PET was clear in February. It took a couple of days to really take it in, and then the JOY hit me like a ton of bricks. We had an early spring, ANOTHER unexpected gift, with record-breaking warm temperatures in March, and it seemed as if I'd been given a wonderful present. Every day I stepped outside, rain or shine, and turned my face up to the sun or the wind and SMILED with simple joy. Reach for that; don't fight it. ALLOW yourself to be happy!

For me, the remission lasted only 4 months, but I know I didn't waste my 4 months. I loved every single day of it and still feel blessed to have had it. As Nancy said, remission is as good as life gets, a taste of the 'old you', the 'no-cancer' you. You'll never put on mascara again without smiling with a new appreciation for the wonder of eyelashes!

Tomorrow, go outside and lay down in the grass and look up at the sky and let the joy hit home. LIFE IS GOOD! BE GREEDY ABOUT IT!

I agree
Linda said it all for me. You will have to look for small blessing that come unexpectedly and learn to gradually "BE GREEDY ABOUT IT". (((HUGS))) Saundra

LuvMyMom3

Tina Brown said:

Hugs to you all
Thank-you for all of your comments. It is 8 weeks since my last chemo. My hair is growing back furiously and every day I look in the mirror it seems thicker and longer. (My currrent photo was taken before any hair started growing) I have a full set of eye brows - they were the first hair to come back. I also have eye lashes coming and I refer to them as "dwarf eye lashes"

I am slowly relaxing and getting used to this feeling (just really scared to really feel happy & relaxed in case it comes back) My tummy got bloated the other evening (after a particulary enjoyable Italian meal & wine) I lay in bed and convinced myself that the asistes had come back. But of course everything was back to normal in the morning.

I am also expecting to get my fitness and weight back to my "pre-cancer" state. I worked hard 2 years ago to achieve a 2 stone weight loss and increase my running to a half marathon standard. It took me about 8 months. So therefore I am thinking I can do the same now. But NO - I have tried the same tactics and it is not happening. In fact I did too much running and it made me quite ill and forced me to rest for a whole week. I need to listen to me body and take it easy.

I think it will take me over a year to get me back to what I was..............but I am still here and that is all that matters. I am starting to go out "Commando" (no wig or scarf) I get looks but "hey" I don't care

Love to you all Tina xx

What a beautiful person you
What a beautiful person you are. I am so happy to hear the good news! I am sure this is normal - there's nothing wrong with you at all...I pray my mom gets to where you are.. Enjoy life!! :-) XOXOXOXOXO Michele