My mom, My superhero is losing her battle with cancer

Missmel77

I'm almost 33 years old and my mom was diagnosed over 10 years ago with Breast Cancer. She has had two occurences where the cancer came in and out of remission. A few months ago she found out the Breast Cancer, which has spread to the spine, hip, and shoulder has returned very aggressively. She tried Radiation, Chemo made her miserable, and the doctors even put her on Morphine which almost killed her. She's made the decision to live out the rest of her life without further treatments or medications, and I don't know what to do.
The thought of losing my mom is terrifying. She's always been such a superwoman to me and seemed to be able to do anything and everything; now she is at home, unable to do very much and dependent on the family to help.
I have a younger sister who checks on her frequently, and my dad has taken on the role of care-taker. I do her laundry once a week, clean up her house, and spend one evening a week with her but it doesn't seem to be enough.
Sometimes I want to just tell her "Mom, I'm sorry you are so sick and I wish I could take away your pain", but she is not the kind of person that wants sympathy.
My dad is working every evening and is wearing himself out- and both my sister and I (and our spouses) have fulltime jobs, and are unable to help him with the work load.
How do I get rid of these feelings of guilt, and balance how much I can do for my mom and dad as the adult daughter?
Any suggestions?
I cry at the drop of a hat and have to take anxiety pills to be able to be around my mom without sobbing hysterically.

dmc_emmy

You're obviously a loving daughter...
Dear Missme,

I think this has always been my biggest fear--my only child coping with this dreaded disease again, with no hope of my survival. I, perhaps like mother, would not be thinking of myself, but of the child I would be leaving behind. I can only hope that I would be as noble...

I don't know what to tell you to help subside your thoughts of guilt-feelings you probably have no reason to have, as you nurture the woman who has been your nurturer for nearly 33 years. Your mother is being strong for you and you are helping her to find the inner strength she needs--a demonstration of the deep love she has for her family. I pray that my daughter would be able to answer to call, as you have done for your mother, should this relentless disease raise its ugly head again.

You are fortunate that you have had your mother, post-cancer, for nearly ten years and also fortunate that you are able to do as much as you do, unselfishly, for the sake of love that you obviously have for your mother.

My thoughts and prayers for you and your entire family as you give your mother loving care and comfort in this most difficult time of need.

dmc

Skeezie

dmc_emmy said:

You're obviously a loving daughter...
Dear Missme,

I think this has always been my biggest fear--my only child coping with this dreaded disease again, with no hope of my survival. I, perhaps like mother, would not be thinking of myself, but of the child I would be leaving behind. I can only hope that I would be as noble...

I don't know what to tell you to help subside your thoughts of guilt-feelings you probably have no reason to have, as you nurture the woman who has been your nurturer for nearly 33 years. Your mother is being strong for you and you are helping her to find the inner strength she needs--a demonstration of the deep love she has for her family. I pray that my daughter would be able to answer to call, as you have done for your mother, should this relentless disease raise its ugly head again.

You are fortunate that you have had your mother, post-cancer, for nearly ten years and also fortunate that you are able to do as much as you do, unselfishly, for the sake of love that you obviously have for your mother.

My thoughts and prayers for you and your entire family as you give your mother loving care and comfort in this most difficult time of need.

dmc

Dear Missme,
I was in your shoes in 1984 when my Mom was given 2 to 3 mo to live (colon cancer). I was 41. I was devasated and cried everyday. But I was able to see my Mom after work several days a week because we were all within 13 miles. My Dad was the care-giver. She had Hospice and visiting nurses etc. but I was also a caregiver. One thing I can advise is to learn how to actually care (physcially) for her. We didn't know and when I saw how easily they moved her in the hospital I know we were hurting her the way we did it. The American Cancer Society has a book called "Caring for the Patient with Cancer at Home, a guide for patients and families. I just read it yesterday. It's got some great info that I wish I had had. If you contact them, they will send it to you.

I too felt guilt that I was well and my mother was terminal...how was I going to go on without her? My Mom and I had always played the game "If I die before you what do you want" and once toward the end she asked if I remembered and I said yes and she was pleased. Try and smile for her, try to be as normal as you can be and let her talk when and if she wants to. Beyond that, there is nothing you can do. Your Dad will need all of you because his job is the toughest of all.

Have no guilt, you are doing everything that is in your power to do. AS the time gets nearer, Hospice will be wonderful for everyone. I am so sorry you and your Mom and family are facing this. I'm crying now for you and for me (remembering).

Please post often because there are such wonderful strong women (and men) on this board and hopefully you can cry, vent and let all of your feelings out here, everyone will understand and be ready to give you cyber hugs and support.

Keeping you in my prayers,

Hugs, Judy :-)

Dawne.Hope

i know
Dear missmel,

My mom lost her almost ten year battle with bc this past November.

About this time last year she started experiencing extreme pain in her hip and shoulder. It was the cancer that had metz. to her bones. It too was very aggressive. In September, it was my mom who wanted us to call Hospice. She knew she was dying and wanted to die at home. I moved in with my parents to help care for her.

The best piece of advice I can give you is talk to her. Tell her how you feel. Say the things you want to say because you will regret it if you don't. When mom was first diagnosed in 2000, we made a pact that we would be honest with each other. That pact carried through to the end.

My mom was my best friend. I miss her terribly. But I have no regrets. Do what you can. Be honest. Tell her how you feel. You won't ever have that chance again.

I know it is hard. But cherish the time you have left.

Sending a big [[[[[[[cyber hug]]]]]]]]]]

Much Love,
dh

Wolfi

Don't feel guilty
I'm sorry to hear about your mom. It sounds like you are doing as much as you can considering the circumstances. It is difficult to care for someone else (and their home) when you have your own job, home and family to take care of every day. All you can do is help your dad when you are able and keep taking care of your mom as you have been.

If you really feel like you need to spend more time with her now maybe you could look into using some vacation or taking a leave of absence from work for a while. You know what the outcome will be - what you don't know is when. Do what YOU need to do in order to feel good about your decisions now. If that means spending 15 hours a day with your mother then do it. If it means getting counseling or having long-term crying sessions then do that. Take care of yourself and don't let all of this cause you to get sick (or you won't be able to help anyone).

I will pray for your parents and for you. Take care and remember: there is no correct answer - only you know what you will need from this experience.

Kat11

Wolfi said:

Don't feel guilty
I'm sorry to hear about your mom. It sounds like you are doing as much as you can considering the circumstances. It is difficult to care for someone else (and their home) when you have your own job, home and family to take care of every day. All you can do is help your dad when you are able and keep taking care of your mom as you have been.

If you really feel like you need to spend more time with her now maybe you could look into using some vacation or taking a leave of absence from work for a while. You know what the outcome will be - what you don't know is when. Do what YOU need to do in order to feel good about your decisions now. If that means spending 15 hours a day with your mother then do it. If it means getting counseling or having long-term crying sessions then do that. Take care of yourself and don't let all of this cause you to get sick (or you won't be able to help anyone).

I will pray for your parents and for you. Take care and remember: there is no correct answer - only you know what you will need from this experience.

Hi Missme
I also went through what you are going through with my mother. I was 36 when my Mom died. She also had breast cancer which never came back. It was close 15 year later when she got a new cancer (lung). This cancer spread to the brain which then took her life. I think you are doing everything you can, but don't be afraid to tell her how you feel. I found peace in telling my mom how scared I was. Yes, she was comforting me, but thats what moms do. I agree with Wolfi. You need to take care of yourself as well. We are all here for you any time. God bless

RE

MOM
Dear Missme, I too lost my mom to cancer in 2000. Don't be quite so hard on yourself this is a very difficult time for all of you. Mom's are usually the center of a family and the thought of them not being there is unthinkable. If you are concerned that you are not doing enough for Mom and Dad perhaps you could prepare a few meals that can be frozen and take it to them knowing they will have a good meal prepared with love. You can help Dad by simply calling him to check on him as he may need a tender ear as well. Be sure to tell your Mom how much you love her and enjoy your time with her, she loves you and wants to see you happy. If you feel the house needs more attention than you and your siblings are able to give ask your parents if they would like a maid service to help out once a week (you and your siblings could share the cost.) Most importantly spend as much time with Mom as possible be it on the phone or in person and do your best to think of her as she is not as you see her, she is still the Mom who built memories with you talk with her about the fun times it may make you both smile.

I would also highly suggest when it becomes obvious that Mom's time here is nearing an end that you take a bit of time off just to be with her. I know I spent the final two weeks of my Mom's life with her, I baked her favorite cake and of all things made her fried egg sandwiches she gobbled up, I sang hymns to hear at her request and held her hand in silence when she rested. It is marvelous that you have a Mom whom you love so dearly, you will be in my prayers please come in and post often as we are here for you we truly understand.

Much Love and Prayers,

RE

MyTurnNow

Missme, you have gotten
Missme, you have gotten excellent advice from my pink sisters. My mom also died 3 years ago and I was her caretaker. My husband and I actually bought a "new" home so we had the room to take care of her and also hold some of her loved posessions. I especially relate to Dawne.Hope's comments regarding communications with your mom. You don't want any guilt in the end on your part so make sure you have the conversations with your mom and say everything to her. As the end becomes closer, I can't recommend Hospice enough. They are a very compassionate group of individuals that have the patient AND the family at heart. They can help get through some tough discussions, if you haven't already had them. Good luck and tell your mom at every opportunity how you love her and when the time comes, let her go. Sending big (((HUGS))) your way!!

ms_independent

It is hard
Missmel,

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I too lost my mother to breast cancer. I was 40. You've been given some excellent advice. No regrets---I cannot stress how important it is for you to say and do all that you need to. She may need to hear those things that you think she doesn't want to hear. You can say something like "mom, I need to say something to you. You don't need to answer or react. I just need to do it." That way you say what you need to and mom doesn't feel she needs to do anything.
I also highly recommend Hospice, when the time is right. When my mom was dying I kept thinking---I don't know how to do this----hospice knows how to do it. They will guide all of you, support all of you , make sure your mom is comfortable, and can help with things like bathing and personal care. You do qualify for FMLA through your employer. I had to supply a note from my mom's oncologist that basically said her time was near. I took leave to go home (8 hours from my home)and help my dad take care of my mom. It was hard, but in the end it was at least as good for me as it was for my parents. I am so glad I was there.
Please try not to feel guilty. You haven't done anything to feel guilty about. You just love your mom and don't want to loose her. You can do this.
Hugs, El

Third_Generation

ms_independent said:

It is hard
Missmel,

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I too lost my mother to breast cancer. I was 40. You've been given some excellent advice. No regrets---I cannot stress how important it is for you to say and do all that you need to. She may need to hear those things that you think she doesn't want to hear. You can say something like "mom, I need to say something to you. You don't need to answer or react. I just need to do it." That way you say what you need to and mom doesn't feel she needs to do anything.
I also highly recommend Hospice, when the time is right. When my mom was dying I kept thinking---I don't know how to do this----hospice knows how to do it. They will guide all of you, support all of you , make sure your mom is comfortable, and can help with things like bathing and personal care. You do qualify for FMLA through your employer. I had to supply a note from my mom's oncologist that basically said her time was near. I took leave to go home (8 hours from my home)and help my dad take care of my mom. It was hard, but in the end it was at least as good for me as it was for my parents. I am so glad I was there.
Please try not to feel guilty. You haven't done anything to feel guilty about. You just love your mom and don't want to loose her. You can do this.
Hugs, El

My heart is hurting all over
My heart is hurting all over again when I read about your mom and then all these other moms... My mom had breast cancer in 70, 81 and then lung/bone cancer in 91 when she died. I was lucky enough that my sister and I were both there holding her hand when she died on the oncology ward.. We had left it too long and could not transport her back home to die -and that is where she wanted to be. so we held her hand, told her that where ever the 3 of us were (her, my sister and I) that was home... she took a soft breath and died. ..so we knew she understood the truth of that.. I miss her to this day, she was only 66. Your love for you mom will endure forever.
Prayers, love, thoughts sent your way...
Brenda

roseann4

Third_Generation said:

My heart is hurting all over
My heart is hurting all over again when I read about your mom and then all these other moms... My mom had breast cancer in 70, 81 and then lung/bone cancer in 91 when she died. I was lucky enough that my sister and I were both there holding her hand when she died on the oncology ward.. We had left it too long and could not transport her back home to die -and that is where she wanted to be. so we held her hand, told her that where ever the 3 of us were (her, my sister and I) that was home... she took a soft breath and died. ..so we knew she understood the truth of that.. I miss her to this day, she was only 66. Your love for you mom will endure forever.
Prayers, love, thoughts sent your way...
Brenda

I'm so sorry you are losing your mom.
I know this isn't a popular topic but have you and your family contacted hospice. Even if your mom isn't willing to get hospice help, you can talk with them. They can provide the emotional help you need now and if the situation arises, they can provide home care help as well. They were very helpful to my friend who was losing his dad to cancer. He lived for over a year after the family started working with hospice but they had the support they needed to handle the ordeal. Hugs to you and your family.

Roseann

KathiM

Love her. Respect her decision.
I know it's hard, but that would mean the world to her.

Ask her treatment center (oncologist) what services are available to take care of her.

Realize that we must say 'goodbye' to everyone at one point or another. I lost my youngest daughter 2 1/2 years ago, and my only remaining parent (In laws and out laws) is my mom, who is 87, and a double cancer survivor. This crazy lady still, even after endometrial and breast cancer, smokes cigarettes, which I hate. But, I accept it as her choice (after trying unsuccessfully to get her to quit), and I tell her I love her everyday, knowing that one day soon she will not be here to hear it.

Hugs, Kathi

SunnieC

KathiM said:

Love her. Respect her decision.
I know it's hard, but that would mean the world to her.

Ask her treatment center (oncologist) what services are available to take care of her.

Realize that we must say 'goodbye' to everyone at one point or another. I lost my youngest daughter 2 1/2 years ago, and my only remaining parent (In laws and out laws) is my mom, who is 87, and a double cancer survivor. This crazy lady still, even after endometrial and breast cancer, smokes cigarettes, which I hate. But, I accept it as her choice (after trying unsuccessfully to get her to quit), and I tell her I love her everyday, knowing that one day soon she will not be here to hear it.

Hugs, Kathi

And don't forget...
to love yourself.

I am sorry for what you and your family are going through. Tell her you love her. Tell your family you love them. And tell yourself that it is okay to feel it all.

My thoughts and prayers are with all of you...

Hugs -
Sunnie

DianeBC

Wolfi said:

Don't feel guilty
I'm sorry to hear about your mom. It sounds like you are doing as much as you can considering the circumstances. It is difficult to care for someone else (and their home) when you have your own job, home and family to take care of every day. All you can do is help your dad when you are able and keep taking care of your mom as you have been.

If you really feel like you need to spend more time with her now maybe you could look into using some vacation or taking a leave of absence from work for a while. You know what the outcome will be - what you don't know is when. Do what YOU need to do in order to feel good about your decisions now. If that means spending 15 hours a day with your mother then do it. If it means getting counseling or having long-term crying sessions then do that. Take care of yourself and don't let all of this cause you to get sick (or you won't be able to help anyone).

I will pray for your parents and for you. Take care and remember: there is no correct answer - only you know what you will need from this experience.

I am so sorry about your
I am so sorry about your Mother. This is a difficult time for everyone in your family. Please don't forget to take care of yourself too. Praying for your family!


Hugs, Diane

Missmel77

dmc_emmy said:

You're obviously a loving daughter...
Dear Missme,

I think this has always been my biggest fear--my only child coping with this dreaded disease again, with no hope of my survival. I, perhaps like mother, would not be thinking of myself, but of the child I would be leaving behind. I can only hope that I would be as noble...

I don't know what to tell you to help subside your thoughts of guilt-feelings you probably have no reason to have, as you nurture the woman who has been your nurturer for nearly 33 years. Your mother is being strong for you and you are helping her to find the inner strength she needs--a demonstration of the deep love she has for her family. I pray that my daughter would be able to answer to call, as you have done for your mother, should this relentless disease raise its ugly head again.

You are fortunate that you have had your mother, post-cancer, for nearly ten years and also fortunate that you are able to do as much as you do, unselfishly, for the sake of love that you obviously have for your mother.

My thoughts and prayers for you and your entire family as you give your mother loving care and comfort in this most difficult time of need.

dmc

Thank you for the encouragement
Dear DMC-
Reading your words of encouragment made me tear up a little. Nothing unusual for me, but it brings some relief nonetheless.
You are correct in saying my mom's main concern is that we take care of dad when something happens. She is worried that he won't be able to handle everything when she is gone. I guess she is the one that would know how her spouse of 36 years will handle her absence.
I call my dad everyday and check on him as I do with my mom- sometimes the most I can do is talk with her on the phone if she is having a really bad day.
I have this fear of seeing someone really sick and having that be the last memory I have of them, and for that reason I stay away on her really bad days. I wish I didn't feel that way, but it is the same reason I don't visit my grandma who has Dimentia.
My most difficult thing to deal with right now is a lack of appetite and a sense that things at home (like Housework, Organizing) can wait.
We are all trying to make her as comfortable as we can, and the doctors have given her a pain patch that seems to be helping. It is just hard to hear the woman who always says "I'm fine, why do you ask?" reply with "I'm having a very bad day today" or "I don't feel very well today".

I guess all I can do is take things one day at a time and enjoy the time we still have her here.

Thank you for the prayers they do mean alot.

Melody

Missmel77

Dawne.Hope said:

i know
Dear missmel,

My mom lost her almost ten year battle with bc this past November.

About this time last year she started experiencing extreme pain in her hip and shoulder. It was the cancer that had metz. to her bones. It too was very aggressive. In September, it was my mom who wanted us to call Hospice. She knew she was dying and wanted to die at home. I moved in with my parents to help care for her.

The best piece of advice I can give you is talk to her. Tell her how you feel. Say the things you want to say because you will regret it if you don't. When mom was first diagnosed in 2000, we made a pact that we would be honest with each other. That pact carried through to the end.

My mom was my best friend. I miss her terribly. But I have no regrets. Do what you can. Be honest. Tell her how you feel. You won't ever have that chance again.

I know it is hard. But cherish the time you have left.

Sending a big [[[[[[[cyber hug]]]]]]]]]]

Much Love,
dh

It's nice to have someone understand
Hi Dawne,

I am so sorry you lost your mom to BC. In some ways we both were fortunate to have so many years even with the diagnosis to bond with our moms. It wasn't until I was grown and married that I realized how much I loved her and needed her. I still call her when I need help with what temperature to cook chicken in- when using a glass pan.=)
I am finding that lately she is more willing to talk and be candid and that is the hardest thing to deal with. She seems so "human" to me- and I hope that sometime soon I will stop being shocked by that.

We haven't had any serious conversations, but she does want me and my sisters to go through pictures and create an album of memories. I am having trouble doing that right now as it seems so permanent of a thought.

I'll take things one day at a time and enjoy all the borrowed time I have with her.

Thank you again Dawne- If there is anything I can do for you just let me know.

Melody

Missmel77

Wolfi said:

Don't feel guilty
I'm sorry to hear about your mom. It sounds like you are doing as much as you can considering the circumstances. It is difficult to care for someone else (and their home) when you have your own job, home and family to take care of every day. All you can do is help your dad when you are able and keep taking care of your mom as you have been.

If you really feel like you need to spend more time with her now maybe you could look into using some vacation or taking a leave of absence from work for a while. You know what the outcome will be - what you don't know is when. Do what YOU need to do in order to feel good about your decisions now. If that means spending 15 hours a day with your mother then do it. If it means getting counseling or having long-term crying sessions then do that. Take care of yourself and don't let all of this cause you to get sick (or you won't be able to help anyone).

I will pray for your parents and for you. Take care and remember: there is no correct answer - only you know what you will need from this experience.

The hardest thing to do
Hi Wolfi-
Seems the hardest thing for me to do is take care of me right now. I have very little appetite and spend lots of time watching the "Gilmore Girls" on DVD when at home. I shut myself off from the world when I am not at work as it seems easier that way.

My husband and I determined we needed to take more day trips on the weekends- so we are going to implement that this summer. Seattle has so much you can do, and we don't get out much right now.=)

I am starting to realize how important it is to take care of me first so I can take care of her. The guilt is from my limitations health-wise and emotionally, and I am not sure if either of those things will go away any time soon. It is hard knowing the inevitable outcome and not being able to change it.

I have a great therapist who is helping me to stay strong and set my boundaries so as not to push myself too far. I am a stubborn, determined individual (much like my mom) and find this difficult.

I appreciate your prayers- they definitely help.

Melody

Missmel77

Kat11 said:

Hi Missme
I also went through what you are going through with my mother. I was 36 when my Mom died. She also had breast cancer which never came back. It was close 15 year later when she got a new cancer (lung). This cancer spread to the brain which then took her life. I think you are doing everything you can, but don't be afraid to tell her how you feel. I found peace in telling my mom how scared I was. Yes, she was comforting me, but thats what moms do. I agree with Wolfi. You need to take care of yourself as well. We are all here for you any time. God bless

Hi Kat11
It's encouraging to know you are not alone when dealing with such a great loss as a mom.
I am realizing my limitations in what I can do for her and coming to accept that is "ok" for me. It's wierd to have to tell yourself it's ok to not be superwoman, isn't it?

Mom is going to have Hospice come in and help her with Pain Management. The tumors are not in any of the vital organs, but she is in a lot of pain right now and nothing seems to manage it very well. She has also lost a huge amount of weight and her appetite is almost nill. I guess this is a good option for her to help her get her strenghth back, even if only to get some needed paperwork done and take care of things before the eventuallity of her death does happen. My dad seemed relieved to have this option too.

I've been reading this book: "When Parents Die-A guide for adult children" and it helps those going through seeing a parent suffer a serious illness and when you eventually lose the parent. It's interesting and helps me to understand that what I feel is normal and ok.

Thanks again for your encouragement. I hope I can soon learn to deal with the sadness of what I feel, though I fear it may take me awhile.

Melody