how to cope with being a caregiver and seeing your loved one in pain??

Irene626

hi...my 65 year old mom has GBM stage 4 brain cancer..i have been her caregiver since she was diagnosed in jan of this year...im a very strong woman.i have been strong though all this..but most recently i have just been feeling so sad all the time not for me but for her.....the last two months she has had problems with her chemo (temodar) first it was her red blood cells and now its her white cells that are to low..so now they make me give her a neupogen injection and procrit injection..this is the hardest thing for me.. i hate it! i do it because i know she needs it..but i hate seeing her in pain when i inject her...i would rather someone else do it..but its easier for me to do it because getting her out of the house now is so hard to have a nurse do it daily at her doctors office...she has gone through so much..her body is bruised from head to toe because of her low platelets..and she cant even get up on her own or walk without assistance...shes in constant pain..but thnk god her mind is functioning very well...i cry every night or even when i leave the house i cant even enjoy my time out i start crying..i feel so bad cause of whats shes going through...my heart breaks everytime i see her but i dont show it in front of her...shes the most important person to me...today i asked her how shes feels because she never talks about the cancer and she never complains...shes so strong...and she just told me whatever im old already cant do anything about it...that really broke my heart when she said that.. i just wish i could take all this cancer away....how do other caregivers cope with seeing your loved ones in pain all the time??

AKAngel

I don't know
Honestly, I can't say how I find strength to do anything. I mean I know I have it..that's how I'm able to get up and do things for my mom, but I can't define my coping stragety. It just happens. I tend to cry outside of the house a lot, usually in parking lots while I'm running errands for my mom, but I take everything moment by moment. If she's angry at whatever, I get angry back. If she's feeling sad, I get sad..but I can't cry with her because that only makes her upset and then she'll tell me to stop (on a good day or on a bad day I'll get yelled at.) I know I was born Caesarian because I came into this world this broad shoulders, and I've needed them all my life. But this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and I hope that I'm getting college credit for the next life for this, because I don't think I want to redo this course ever again. I hate what this disease has done to my mom. Her confusion due to chemo-brain and her meds aren't even amusing anymore, just saddening. I can't remember when I smiled in true happiness for more than a minute or two. I guess, prayer can help and having friends that will listen. And of course, just being able to talk to people here...actually that's what has helped me the most. Knowing that I'm not alone out here on Planet Cancer.

CherylMike

I think this was the worst part of being a caregiver
Hi Irene-
My husband was diagnosed with head and neck cancer in Sept of 2007. He passed away in October of 2009. Throughout his illness he never complained. He went from 215 lbs to 140 lbs. He endured chemo, chemo/radiation, surgeries, test trials, extended hospital stays . . . When the cancer invaded his bones and liver, this was the worst. He was in so much pain. The doctors constantly adjusted his pain medications and ended up installing a pain pump and a stomach tube (his second one). His last few weeks he was in the hospital having multiple tests run for a high white cell count, fever, fluid retention. . Some of the tests were brutal, as his bones were so brittle from cancer (at some point, his upper arm bone was broken in two). I do not want to depress you, just to let you know that I have been through some of what you are going through. (we were married almost 25 years and have three children - 14, 22 & 24). The pain of seeing the person you love in agony is beyond belief. I ended up on antidepressants. I also would cry - alot. I emerged myself in books (at first research on his cancer, later in mysteries and finially in how to deal with grief). I also watched so much TV that I began to know characters names on almost ALL realty shows - mind numbing. Yard work also helped - anything physical. I also made sure that anytime Mike was able to speak to me, I held it in my heart. It is so hard not to be able to take someones pain away, but have to sit and watch them suffer. The only thing that I know, is that I did the best I could to help ease Mike's pain and I was always there whenever he needed me. There was nothing more that I could do. Believing this, I get by. You have come to a wonderful site. I have found so much wise advice and encouragement from others who are dealing with cancer. Take it one day at a time. ~cheryl

grandmafay

Shots
My husband passed away from colon cancer after a six year battle in Oct. 2009. It is so hard to see them sick and in pain. At one point I, too, had to give shots. He hated shots! He had always hated them. The first time I did it he flinched even though he was really trying to be brave. Eventually, he was able to look away and hold the flinch in. We love them so much we don't want to hurt them. We want to fix them! Sadly, that is not always possible. All we can do is our best. They know that. My husband often told me that my job as caregiver was harder than his as care receiver. I don't know if that is true or not, but I do know that caregiving was the hardest thing I had ever done. I somehow found the strength to do things I never thought I could do and things outside of my comfort zone. Crying is a good release for our pain and stress. It helps us keep doing what needs to be done. Coming to this board for support and venting also helps. We can find real understanding here. I also prayed a lot because faith is a part of me. It is not for everyone. We also have a strong faith community in our church and we felt the prayers of others. Remember that one of the most important rules of caregiving is for the caregiver to take care of themselves. If you don't you can't care for others. It's not easy, but it is important. Find support from friends and family. Accept offers of help when you can. I should have done more of that. I found out that several people wanted and even needed to help. They actually thanked me for letting them do something. Sometimes, we forget that others are hurting, too. I hope some of what I have written helps. I don't have any words of wisdom, just some thoughts and understanding. Take care, Fay