I feel like I can't do this

tmc576

Hello everyone,

My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer in March. She is 55 years old, and is also diabetic and has heart disease. Prior to the cancer diagnosis, she has had a normal active lifestyle. She babysat my three kids (ages 12,6, and 3) three days a week, as well as worked full time. Let me add that she watched the kids, because she wouldn't have it any other way! She is still married to my father, but lives with me most of the time for various reason. It was decided that during her recovery and treatments that she would live with me full time, since I only work three days a week, and also have the flexibility to change my schedule around and/or work from home. We are also very close.

She had a hysterectomy on 4/13 in which they removed a large tumor on her ovary, but had to leave small tumors on her diaphram and small intestines. The day following her surgery she had a minor heart attack, and then went into congestive heart failure. While in the hospital, she was very confused and hallucinating. She began to have severe panic attacks, which made her breathing difficulties from the CHF even worse. She was released from the hospital after 11 days, but went back 2 days later with the CHF, fluid in her lungs, and acute renal failure. After 8 more days, she was sent home on Wednesday, with oxygen and home nursing.

Even while in the hospital, she would call me several times a night upset with the nurses, or saying she couldn't breathe from a panic attack, etc. Now that she is home, she keeps calling me to help her or sit with her all night long. I know that mentally she needs me, but most of the things that she asks for are things that can wait. I still have to work, take the kids to and from school, and afterschool activities. My youngest is having a horrible time adjusting to daycare, and is acting out at home, adding to my stress. I have family come to sit with her during the time I can't be home, and my brother and father are there in the evenings after work. However, she waits until i get home to ask me to do things for her, that they could have done. I am feeling torn between helping her and spending time with my children. She is very depressed (understandably) but no matter what I say to help her see a situation better, or to try something differently, all she says is no that wont work, or that i don't understand. I try to just listen to her complaints.

I know she is miserable physically and mentally. She is holding an extra 40lbs of fluid, and is still in pain from the surgery. She is still having the panic attacks and having trouble breathing. I feel like the pain medications and anxiety pills only make her mood worse, but she will not try to slow down on taking them.

Bottom line is I am exhausted and overwhelmed. She doesn't want help from anyone else. My husband has been trying to help her during the night so I can get some sleep, but she cries and asks for me. What am i supposed to do? I feel myself getting angry, frustrated and depressed. How can I tell my mom, that with all that shes going through, that i cant help her all of the time if its not urgent. I dont know what to do, but I can't keep going on like this. I have not slept for more that 4 hours in almost three weeks.

Any advise would be appreciated.

ruthelizabeth

Not much help, but...
I don't know if it would work and you definitely should check with the drs., but when my mom had anxiety attacks, gingko biloba did a remarkable job easing them. Mom only had some dementia and, as I said, you should definitely ask the drs. I know that now they are saying that gingko biloba slows blood clotting so that may be a problem. That said, within a month, Mom never had an anxiety attack again --- until she broke her hip and the hospital took her off it which is a whole 'nother story.

I completely understand how you're feeling and it sounds normal to me. YOu are stressed out, overworked, not sleeping or probably eating well and all that combined with the cancer and your mom's extreme neediness is bound to create exactly the feelings you have.

I think that your mom is feeling very very afraid and helpless and so she's clinging to you. It's logical and understandable and I have no solution for it. I wish I did.

Know that we all care for you. Keep us posted. Find time to get on the chat line just to tell us how you feel.

Ruth Elizabeth

Tina Blondek

ruthelizabeth said:

Not much help, but...
I don't know if it would work and you definitely should check with the drs., but when my mom had anxiety attacks, gingko biloba did a remarkable job easing them. Mom only had some dementia and, as I said, you should definitely ask the drs. I know that now they are saying that gingko biloba slows blood clotting so that may be a problem. That said, within a month, Mom never had an anxiety attack again --- until she broke her hip and the hospital took her off it which is a whole 'nother story.

I completely understand how you're feeling and it sounds normal to me. YOu are stressed out, overworked, not sleeping or probably eating well and all that combined with the cancer and your mom's extreme neediness is bound to create exactly the feelings you have.

I think that your mom is feeling very very afraid and helpless and so she's clinging to you. It's logical and understandable and I have no solution for it. I wish I did.

Know that we all care for you. Keep us posted. Find time to get on the chat line just to tell us how you feel.

Ruth Elizabeth

You are not Alone Here
Hi TMC,
Sorry you are having to go through this with your mom. Of course it is very understandable considering all that she has been through recently. I was a caregiver for my dad, who recently passed away from esophageal cancer with mets to his liver. Mom was his main caregiver, but on the days that they got on eachother's nerves, he would be calling me crying for me to come take care of him. I have a 10 year old, I work, I am married with my own family and household. I would stay on the phone with him long enough to get him calmed down, explain to him that I had other obligations at the moment, mom is there, and I will get there as soon as I can. You can not continue to go on like this. She needs to stay on her anxiety meds. Maybe even an anti depressant med. I agree, she is scared, she is worried. You just have to make sure she knows that you are there to help her when you can, that she will be ok with any other family member. Reassure her. Or.....you might have to call in a home nurse, or hospice when need arises.

Here at caregivers, we have all been where you are. This is why it is so wonderful to have this site. Here you can vent, scream, yell, cry, laugh, and rejoice all in the same place. And guess what? We will listen...any day, any time. Good luck and God bless you during this difficult time. Keep in touch.
Tina

AKAngel

Tina Blondek said:

You are not Alone Here
Hi TMC,
Sorry you are having to go through this with your mom. Of course it is very understandable considering all that she has been through recently. I was a caregiver for my dad, who recently passed away from esophageal cancer with mets to his liver. Mom was his main caregiver, but on the days that they got on eachother's nerves, he would be calling me crying for me to come take care of him. I have a 10 year old, I work, I am married with my own family and household. I would stay on the phone with him long enough to get him calmed down, explain to him that I had other obligations at the moment, mom is there, and I will get there as soon as I can. You can not continue to go on like this. She needs to stay on her anxiety meds. Maybe even an anti depressant med. I agree, she is scared, she is worried. You just have to make sure she knows that you are there to help her when you can, that she will be ok with any other family member. Reassure her. Or.....you might have to call in a home nurse, or hospice when need arises.

Here at caregivers, we have all been where you are. This is why it is so wonderful to have this site. Here you can vent, scream, yell, cry, laugh, and rejoice all in the same place. And guess what? We will listen...any day, any time. Good luck and God bless you during this difficult time. Keep in touch.
Tina

Separation
It seems, TMC, that your mom and mine should talk...I empathize with what you're going through. If your mom can be talked to, and explained to that you have other responsibilities besides her care, and that the others are there to help, you have it better than I. I have my dad as my back-up, and I don't have my own family to take care of, or am employed, but my mom pretty much expects me to be there 24/7, even as she's getting mad at me for 'nagging' her about whether she needs this pill or that, if she's eaten, etc. Hospice could help for her home care, but if she gets easily upset or aggravated with 'strangers' then you just have to rely on your family to help out more efficiently. Maybe explain, like I do with my dad, the specific questions that need to be asked throughout the day: what is your pain levels, how can I help you...whatever. Help them to help address her needs more fully, and they may be able to take on some of the burden better. Prayers to you for strength, and hugs.

AnnaLeigh

Schedules and lists of responsibilities
I have often said that it takes a whole village of people in order to provide all of the care that our loved ones need and it sounds like you and your family have your hands completely full.

Ask your husband and your dad (and anyone else who can pitch in to help) to sit down, divide up the days of the week, and designate shifts for everyone so that all of you know who will be caring for your mother at specific times. Within those time frames you can also designate a list of things to be done, divide the list between yourselves, and it will eliminate all of the duties falling on you when it is your turn because everyone will know what they are supposed to do. Other people can inventory medicines, call in refills, pick up medications, change sheets, prepare meals for later, do laundry, and so forth. With all of you putting your heads together you can probably come up with a good list to start from.

Designate someone to lovingly explain to your mother that you are all going to take turns and she needs to rely on the person with her at the moment. She may resist at first, but over time when she realizes her needs are getting met with care and compassion she may even enjoy the extra attention. All of you will need to be firm with her in the beginning.

These extraordinary times of stress can either bring families together or pull them apart. Don't forget to schedule some relaxation and family time on the calendar and stick to it.

Wishing you the best,

AnnaLeigh

JudyinSurprise

I can't do this
My husband has cancer - prostrate that has gone to his bones an organs. The treatment has left him weak. He had surgery to remove a tumer from his spine that left him unable to walk without a walker. He is getting weaker by the day and thiner. He is now goting through Chemo treatment which is weakening him more. I am so tired I feel lost and alone. We live in Arizona and my son and his wife are all we have here for support. My daughter-in-law has been a godsend, but she has two children and can just do so much. We have no other support group here. I work everyday and each week is harder and harder. I feel like there is no end in sight. I just gets worse. It's Mother's Day Sunday and he hasn't gotten out of bed. Won't eat - I am alone and just tired. I don't know what to do anymore.

halsons

JudyinSurprise said:

I can't do this
My husband has cancer - prostrate that has gone to his bones an organs. The treatment has left him weak. He had surgery to remove a tumer from his spine that left him unable to walk without a walker. He is getting weaker by the day and thiner. He is now goting through Chemo treatment which is weakening him more. I am so tired I feel lost and alone. We live in Arizona and my son and his wife are all we have here for support. My daughter-in-law has been a godsend, but she has two children and can just do so much. We have no other support group here. I work everyday and each week is harder and harder. I feel like there is no end in sight. I just gets worse. It's Mother's Day Sunday and he hasn't gotten out of bed. Won't eat - I am alone and just tired. I don't know what to do anymore.

Being alone and tired.
Wow Judy, I am so sorry you don't have more of a support system with you. It is very hard to take care of your husband by yourself when you work and are tired yourself. If I was closer I would volunteer but California is a ways a away. He is no doubt feeling cruddy with the cancer and then the chemo. My heart goes out to both of you. Firt of all he needs you as you know so you need to try and get a little rest when you can. What about your son, can he help a littl so you can get a way and just rest a little. Have you tried some protein shakes or some ensure? They are great for energy and gives 250 or 350 depending on if you get the plus. So when he refuses to eat maybe a shake three to four times a day. This would help keep some calories in him. Please know that there are people on this network that have gone through the same things you are going through and will be praying for you. I know its not much but I have been there just not with prostrate. My husbands was esophegeal and he couldn't eat after his surgery. It was so hard to see him just get weaker and weaker. My 18 year old son moved out because he couldn't stand to see his dad go through so much pain and then get so weak and of course three months after surgery he passed away. It has been almost 4 months and it still at times seems like yesterday. You still have your husband so please get some rest, talk with him and encourage him as much as you can. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Haley

grandmafay

Caregiving
Somewhere else on this board I gave my rules for caregiving. They aren't words of wisdom, and I don't even remember exactly what they were, but i do remember rule number one. It is the hardest one to follow, but really essential . You must take care of yourself first. If you don't you cant't take care of others. I cared for my husband for 6 years before losing him to colon cancer. I know the exhaustion that comes from being a caregiver. We feel so torn. We want to do everything we can, but we do need to set limits for ourselves. Talk with your mom. Explain to her that you have responsibilities to your own family as well as to her. Set the limits and stick by them. Tell her that you do want to make her as comfortable as possible, but that she needs to help you do that by allowing others to help. Is she a candidate for hospice or home health care? If so, contact them and accept whatever help they are able to give. Get rest when you can. If she asks you to do things others can do, tell her that you are going to let the other person do it. They talk about tough love for kids. Now you need to give your mother some tough love. Tell her you love her and you would like to spend some quality time with her. I don't know if any of these things will help in your situation. They are just my thoughts. Each of us must find our own way. it is not easy. Cancer affects the entire family. Take care, Fay

grandmafay

JudyinSurprise said:

I can't do this
My husband has cancer - prostrate that has gone to his bones an organs. The treatment has left him weak. He had surgery to remove a tumer from his spine that left him unable to walk without a walker. He is getting weaker by the day and thiner. He is now goting through Chemo treatment which is weakening him more. I am so tired I feel lost and alone. We live in Arizona and my son and his wife are all we have here for support. My daughter-in-law has been a godsend, but she has two children and can just do so much. We have no other support group here. I work everyday and each week is harder and harder. I feel like there is no end in sight. I just gets worse. It's Mother's Day Sunday and he hasn't gotten out of bed. Won't eat - I am alone and just tired. I don't know what to do anymore.

Hi, Judy
I am sorry that you and your family are struggling with this terrible disease. First, I want you to know that what you are feeling is very normal. Taking care of a husband is really hard. We want to fix them, do as much as we can for them. I cared for my husband for 6 years before losing him to colon cancer. When he was going through treatment he was often tired and weak. It is lonely and scary. Eating is often a problem. That is hard for us, too, partly because we are supposed to be able to feed him, and because we know that they should eat. Milkshakes sometimes work. My husband actually ate mac and cheese for several weeks. That's all he wanted, and he had never liked it much before that. Come here and vent whenever you need to do so. There are many here who understand your feelings. Take care, Fay

tmc576

grandmafay said:

Caregiving
Somewhere else on this board I gave my rules for caregiving. They aren't words of wisdom, and I don't even remember exactly what they were, but i do remember rule number one. It is the hardest one to follow, but really essential . You must take care of yourself first. If you don't you cant't take care of others. I cared for my husband for 6 years before losing him to colon cancer. I know the exhaustion that comes from being a caregiver. We feel so torn. We want to do everything we can, but we do need to set limits for ourselves. Talk with your mom. Explain to her that you have responsibilities to your own family as well as to her. Set the limits and stick by them. Tell her that you do want to make her as comfortable as possible, but that she needs to help you do that by allowing others to help. Is she a candidate for hospice or home health care? If so, contact them and accept whatever help they are able to give. Get rest when you can. If she asks you to do things others can do, tell her that you are going to let the other person do it. They talk about tough love for kids. Now you need to give your mother some tough love. Tell her you love her and you would like to spend some quality time with her. I don't know if any of these things will help in your situation. They are just my thoughts. Each of us must find our own way. it is not easy. Cancer affects the entire family. Take care, Fay

Thanks
Thanks everyone for your advice and support. I don't have much time to jump on here, but its nice to be able to vent. We are doing a little better, I got my dad to stay the night for two nights so I could catch up on sleep. It hurt my moms feelings at first, and I felt horrible for suggesting it, but I think after awhile she realized that I wasn't doing it because I resented taking care of her, just that I needed a little help.

Tracey

Tina Blondek

tmc576 said:

Thanks
Thanks everyone for your advice and support. I don't have much time to jump on here, but its nice to be able to vent. We are doing a little better, I got my dad to stay the night for two nights so I could catch up on sleep. It hurt my moms feelings at first, and I felt horrible for suggesting it, but I think after awhile she realized that I wasn't doing it because I resented taking care of her, just that I needed a little help.

Tracey

Good for You
Hi Tracey
I was so thrilled to read that you actually gave yourself some time to get the well needed rest. Happy that your dad stepped up and took your place. That is what you have to do. Work as a team, take turns. This is what my mom and I did while caring for my dad. The more help you can get the better. Thanks for posting a positive update. Keep up the good work, and keep in touch. That is one of my rules here...If you post a question, problem, any situation, you must come back and respond!!! Thinking and praying for all of you.
Tina

herbal77

JudyinSurprise said:

I can't do this
My husband has cancer - prostrate that has gone to his bones an organs. The treatment has left him weak. He had surgery to remove a tumer from his spine that left him unable to walk without a walker. He is getting weaker by the day and thiner. He is now goting through Chemo treatment which is weakening him more. I am so tired I feel lost and alone. We live in Arizona and my son and his wife are all we have here for support. My daughter-in-law has been a godsend, but she has two children and can just do so much. We have no other support group here. I work everyday and each week is harder and harder. I feel like there is no end in sight. I just gets worse. It's Mother's Day Sunday and he hasn't gotten out of bed. Won't eat - I am alone and just tired. I don't know what to do anymore.

I can't do this
I feel so bad for you and your husband. My husband had prostrate cancer too, aggressive and fast growing. Stage 4. But it had spread into the bladder only--not the bones or anywhere else. I only have one daughter (out of three kids) that is a support so I sure sympathize and know what you're going through. It does seem to get worse. My husband is on hormone and radiation therapy. One thing gets solved and something else pops up. It never ends does it. Hang in there. Get onto prayer chains. that helps. It's for you, too.