My job prospects are quickly disappearing

mafaldas

I started graduate school a few months before my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer. I am her only child, she is unmarried, and has only one sister. So, the caregiving falls on me. She lives overseas, and we can pay for round-the-clock help. But, I want to be there for her emotionally.

But, it also means that I cannot work during the school year or do internships. I am really frustrated. Not only would the income from a job/internship be useful, but I am also at a disadvantage when competing for jobs against students who have held internships throughout the school year. The fact that I do not have a job, makes me seem lazy or less capable. I already have many gaps from following my husband around the world because of his government job.

I know I can take an internship, cross my fingers, and hope that everything works out for the best. But, even if there are no problems with my mom's health during the semester, working at an internship means I would not be able to travel to see her. And, I also feel like I am cheating potential employers if I don't tell them that I might have to drop everything if my mom's cancer returns.

I don't know what to do. I am don't what the right thing is to do, for my mom, for myself, for employers. How have you navigated the job-caregiving conundrum?

Tina Blondek

Welcome
Hi and welcome to our family of caregivers. This is a real hard decision for you to make. I was lucky, I was not in your position when I was caring for my dad. My "gut" feeling about this is that you should make your mom and your family top priority. I am sure that any job would understand this. There is such a thing as family leave. You just do not want to regret this. Imagine the guilt you would feel. Ultimitley it will be your decision, but since you asked, these are my feelings. Hope this helps. Hugs to mom.
Tina

mafaldas

Tina Blondek said:

Welcome
Hi and welcome to our family of caregivers. This is a real hard decision for you to make. I was lucky, I was not in your position when I was caring for my dad. My "gut" feeling about this is that you should make your mom and your family top priority. I am sure that any job would understand this. There is such a thing as family leave. You just do not want to regret this. Imagine the guilt you would feel. Ultimitley it will be your decision, but since you asked, these are my feelings. Hope this helps. Hugs to mom.
Tina

Tina Blondek,
Thank you for
Tina Blondek,

Thank you for your comments.

I guess I was too upset and not expressing myself correctly. I do plan to be with my mom when the final weeks/months come; that's not even a question. The problem is that I don't know when that will be. It could be three months from now or three years from now. I know she has an aggressive cancer, and I wonder if it is smart to try to find an internship or job if I know I will have to leave it when the tumor comes back for good. I will have another gap on my resume. And, having a job/internship means that I cannot visit my mother as often.

I guess my question really is, what should I do about my career, acknowledging that I cannot put it--or the rest of my life--on hold forever and given that I do not know when I will have to leave my job to help my mom and given that I know that will happen (probably soon).

AKAngel

mafaldas said:

Tina Blondek,
Thank you for
Tina Blondek,

Thank you for your comments.

I guess I was too upset and not expressing myself correctly. I do plan to be with my mom when the final weeks/months come; that's not even a question. The problem is that I don't know when that will be. It could be three months from now or three years from now. I know she has an aggressive cancer, and I wonder if it is smart to try to find an internship or job if I know I will have to leave it when the tumor comes back for good. I will have another gap on my resume. And, having a job/internship means that I cannot visit my mother as often.

I guess my question really is, what should I do about my career, acknowledging that I cannot put it--or the rest of my life--on hold forever and given that I do not know when I will have to leave my job to help my mom and given that I know that will happen (probably soon).

I hear you
I got laid off at the end of January and don't mind being around to care for my mom...as my siblings (5 others) aren't able/willing to step up and help, as well as having a dad who before my mom's cancer was being taken care of by her, and has now become my responsiblity as well. But I want to work, I can't stand being out of the loop this long, especially in this economy when so many people will take whatever job they can get, and here I am..not waiting for my mom to die so that I can get back to work, but yet I'm in stasis...hers too is aggressive (inoperable liver cancer that chemo couldn't stop) but there's no expiration date for her, it could be by autumn or it could last longer. I don't know if there's options out there for you to do part-time internship or something like that to keep you in the loop, even in an online capacity. Or just networking to keep good contacts in your life that you can use when you finally do have time to focus back on your career. You certainly can't get back the time you lose, but most employers should understand that family leave is sometimes a fact of life and you shouldn't be cast aside in the employment world because of that. It seems cancer doesn't just attack one life, it attacks all lives.

Barbara53

guessing game
What a guessing game we find ourselves in the middle of. I've been primary caregiver for my mother for over a year, which is quite a trick when you're a self employed single parent with a kid in college. In 2009 my income was down 20 percent, but somehow we made it.

Anyway, I just wanted to point out that many, many women have been through this, and they respect the importance of caring for failing parents, especially moms. After all this is over and you're out looking for a job, you should expect some level of understanding, especially from women. Many know from experience what this is all about.

grandmafay

Caregiving
As caregivers of someone who may just be buying time we often feel like our lives are on hold. My husband lived for 6 years after his diagnosis. What a blessing that was! At first we were reluctant to plan things for the future. Thank goodness we got over that. Otherwise our lives would have been pretty empty. It is really hard, though, to know what to do. The distance you have to travel to be with your mom also complicates things. You just have to really explore your options. Be honest with any potential employer otherwise you might jepordise you future in your field. You might find that they are willing to work with you around your mother's care. As a mother, I would not want my child to put their future at stake. I am sure your mother is very proud of you and your accomplishments. You need to take her feelings into account as well. I can see that you are really feeling torn. Is there anyone attached to your grad school who can help you navigate possible internships/jobs offers? They might have some insight. Many people have been touched by cancer and might understand your delimma. Best of luck. I'm sure, in the end, you will come to the right decision for yourself and your mom. Take care, fay