I'm Sorry

24242

katznc said:

we all say the wrong thing sometimes
You may think it was the wrong thing but maybe not. You do have to consider all things, all options and try to be honest. The Susan B Koman web site has lists of questions you can print out to take with you to doctors. I found it heplful. Also answers a lot of questions and it is a site you can trust. Hang in there.

Wow for me
I usually went to appointments myself but one of us had to work.
We too almost split, the tension and financial stress not what either of us had bargoned for. Not too many spouces, let alone men can handle what the other is going through. People think cancer is the glue but it in fact quite often the snapping factor. Most don't want to hear about it all the time. They think they are living it why do we have to talk about it...
My partner went to one appointment and by the time we left she wanted to kill him because he was double dipping the system and she was a government employee at the bottom of the scale. I told her she had to shut her mouth because he was the best there was in this field of surgery. I didn't care what she did after the surgery.
Don't blame her for never going back there again with me. She had to later with her own mother and her short battle with this disease. I now look at success a whole pile differently and being in LOVE is one of the most magical. WE have to work hard to stay positive we have have to work at not pushing people away and still have something left for ourselves in the end.
Thanks no need to be sorry,
nice having the hubby's perspective
Tara

mimivac

Cindy Ann said:

I'm Sorry
Hubby,You brought tears to my eyes.I am the wife whose husband can't say anything right. I have to say "thank you" so much for your post.. My husband has said "all you ever talk about is cancer" "you need to stop dwelling on cancer" and the famous "I don't know what to say to you cause nothing I say is right so I won't say anything to you again." I cried and cried over those words. I am newly diagnosed.10 days ago. I am soooo scared and overwhelmed. I feel numb then angry. I cry a lot just of out the blue. I second guess myself. I when he asked what I wanted him to say couldn't answer. I don't know what I want him to say. I just want his support and him there in the present with me. He is the most wonderful man I have ever had the honor to know and love. We have been together since we were 17. He is my whole world. I do not want to or mean to hurt his feelings when he says something wrong. I am right now in a place where I don't know what I want or need. I do know I need him more then anyone else. So thank you for stepping up and saying what you did. I am having my husband read this all tonight and I think you were just my angel.. I know he will get it now as I did when I read your post. You were not being insensitive you were just like your wife is. Not knowing what to say or do herself..

Thank You,
Cindy Ann

Cindy Ann,
I had to respond to your post. I am astounded that your husband would ask you to stop "dwelling" on cancer 10 days after diagnosis!? Oh my gosh, I am truly stunned at this. Please know that your reactions are completely normal. You will be "dwelling" on cancer for some time to come. It took me many, many months to a year to not ALWAYS be thinking and talking about cancer. It's just the way it is and don't ever feel ashamed of it. I hope your husband reads these posts and decides to support you in whatever way you need, including talking about cancer non-stop for a long time to come. Cancer can destroy relationships or make them closer. Lots of hugs to you. I can see how much you love your husband and I hope he can pull himself together and give you what you need and deserve from him.

Mimi

Cindy Ann

Cindy Ann said:

I'm Sorry
Hubby,You brought tears to my eyes.I am the wife whose husband can't say anything right. I have to say "thank you" so much for your post.. My husband has said "all you ever talk about is cancer" "you need to stop dwelling on cancer" and the famous "I don't know what to say to you cause nothing I say is right so I won't say anything to you again." I cried and cried over those words. I am newly diagnosed.10 days ago. I am soooo scared and overwhelmed. I feel numb then angry. I cry a lot just of out the blue. I second guess myself. I when he asked what I wanted him to say couldn't answer. I don't know what I want him to say. I just want his support and him there in the present with me. He is the most wonderful man I have ever had the honor to know and love. We have been together since we were 17. He is my whole world. I do not want to or mean to hurt his feelings when he says something wrong. I am right now in a place where I don't know what I want or need. I do know I need him more then anyone else. So thank you for stepping up and saying what you did. I am having my husband read this all tonight and I think you were just my angel.. I know he will get it now as I did when I read your post. You were not being insensitive you were just like your wife is. Not knowing what to say or do herself..

Thank You,
Cindy Ann

Thank You Hubby
As I said in a earlier post I was going to have my husband read this discussion. He did and he got very quiet during his reading of each reply. He even read my reply to Hubby intently. He has been 100% different since. He is cuddling me again. I love that. He is saying what he feels.I am not judging every word becuase as Hubby said you men are going to get it wrong at least 60%. He has been very supportive and asks me daily how I am doing. He now even calls in between meetings once a day to see if I need anything. So Hubby thank you for making me understand my husband, and also opening my husband's eyes up, and also the rest of you for the same thing. He has not brought me flowers in years. Because his thoughts always were I deny you nothing that you want. Which is true. He is highly educated but a true country boy at heart. He has made a wonderful life for us. Well he did something he rarely does. The day before Mother's Day(after reading Hubby's I'm Sorry) he came home with the most beautiful pink roses with a huge pink bow on them. He gave them to me and said I did it just because I love you and I want you to know I will never leave you.My greatest fear answered. So to my hubby and to the great hubby who started this discussion with 2 simple words"I'm Sorry" job well done..

Love & Blessings
Cindy Ann

Hubby

Cindy Ann said:

Thank You Hubby
As I said in a earlier post I was going to have my husband read this discussion. He did and he got very quiet during his reading of each reply. He even read my reply to Hubby intently. He has been 100% different since. He is cuddling me again. I love that. He is saying what he feels.I am not judging every word becuase as Hubby said you men are going to get it wrong at least 60%. He has been very supportive and asks me daily how I am doing. He now even calls in between meetings once a day to see if I need anything. So Hubby thank you for making me understand my husband, and also opening my husband's eyes up, and also the rest of you for the same thing. He has not brought me flowers in years. Because his thoughts always were I deny you nothing that you want. Which is true. He is highly educated but a true country boy at heart. He has made a wonderful life for us. Well he did something he rarely does. The day before Mother's Day(after reading Hubby's I'm Sorry) he came home with the most beautiful pink roses with a huge pink bow on them. He gave them to me and said I did it just because I love you and I want you to know I will never leave you.My greatest fear answered. So to my hubby and to the great hubby who started this discussion with 2 simple words"I'm Sorry" job well done..

Love & Blessings
Cindy Ann

Now I'm Glad
I'm glad this sparked such a positive conversation. Helping all of us through this is the reason we post. All of these responces have helped me, and it seems like they helped you and your hubby. Nice!!!

carkris

24242 said:

Wow for me
I usually went to appointments myself but one of us had to work.
We too almost split, the tension and financial stress not what either of us had bargoned for. Not too many spouces, let alone men can handle what the other is going through. People think cancer is the glue but it in fact quite often the snapping factor. Most don't want to hear about it all the time. They think they are living it why do we have to talk about it...
My partner went to one appointment and by the time we left she wanted to kill him because he was double dipping the system and she was a government employee at the bottom of the scale. I told her she had to shut her mouth because he was the best there was in this field of surgery. I didn't care what she did after the surgery.
Don't blame her for never going back there again with me. She had to later with her own mother and her short battle with this disease. I now look at success a whole pile differently and being in LOVE is one of the most magical. WE have to work hard to stay positive we have have to work at not pushing people away and still have something left for ourselves in the end.
Thanks no need to be sorry,
nice having the hubby's perspective
Tara

I feel very fortunate to
I feel very fortunate to have my husband. he has never complained and he is largely responsible for holding me up. I could not have gotten through this without him. It has been hard knowing the stress I put on him, and to see how stressed he was to not be able to fix me especially when I was in pain. He can be somewhat clueless, and it was hard because I had to always tell him what to do. sometimes you just want someone to take care of you but it is not in his or the makeup of most men. but if I woke him in the middle of the night and said I need....he would have gone without complaint. I say this was hard as i hate to ask anyone for anything and I had to learn how to. I am mostly grateful that he is so loyal and never made me feel bad about myself. He has said he just wants me here. I sometimes feel he got the bad end of the bargain, but I would be there for him, we arent perfect but we have each other's backs. He is a totally good person. God has blessed me, and this is my second time around we have been dealing with this since 1994.
Nobody gives you a book on how to deal with your own personal journey we all say or do dumb things, we are human, just that you try Hubby and care is so imprtant. cindy glad things improved.

Cindy Ann

carkris said:

I feel very fortunate to
I feel very fortunate to have my husband. he has never complained and he is largely responsible for holding me up. I could not have gotten through this without him. It has been hard knowing the stress I put on him, and to see how stressed he was to not be able to fix me especially when I was in pain. He can be somewhat clueless, and it was hard because I had to always tell him what to do. sometimes you just want someone to take care of you but it is not in his or the makeup of most men. but if I woke him in the middle of the night and said I need....he would have gone without complaint. I say this was hard as i hate to ask anyone for anything and I had to learn how to. I am mostly grateful that he is so loyal and never made me feel bad about myself. He has said he just wants me here. I sometimes feel he got the bad end of the bargain, but I would be there for him, we arent perfect but we have each other's backs. He is a totally good person. God has blessed me, and this is my second time around we have been dealing with this since 1994.
Nobody gives you a book on how to deal with your own personal journey we all say or do dumb things, we are human, just that you try Hubby and care is so imprtant. cindy glad things improved.

I'm Sorry
Thanks for the post Carkris. Things have improved between me and my husband. It's just the waiting game. I got a very bad infection(I'm sure stress brought my immune system down) and have to wait until Monday to see the surgeon. So I am resting up. I do know that my husband seems more tired these days. He is dealing with a very high pressure job.He works in a company that believes it's not the workers fault but the bosses fault. No excuses or else. High pressure. He works for the gov't. Enough said. So I feel for him. I have noticed since this all started he is falling asleep in his chair by 8p. I think he is torn btween me and work.Through no fault of his own. The people above him have no feelings and are just worried about themselves. A miltary type enviorment of management. So I find it hard to ask for what I need. So I find myself on this board a lot. I have been married since high school to this sweet wonderful precious man. I love him dearly and he me. I know he would die if anything happened to me. But I would like to be able to express myself more without feeling guilty that I am stressing him more. I know I talk too much about my cancer. But right now it is my whole life. Trying to figure out out loud how to fix this and survive it with my sanity intact. So what Hubby wrote helped so much. I still have to learn to stop feeling guilty and say what I need to. Ask for what I need. Try not to be so scared about surgery, pathology, and take it from there. Things are better. But won't be truly better until I know what I am truly dealing with. Then I hope to be able to stop feeling guilty for stressing my husband more. He has lost weight since this started 2 weeks ago. I think he keeps so much inside. How do I draw him out of that habit??I want to be there for him too.This is us not me in this..

Cindy Ann

GregStahl

Cindy Ann said:

I'm Sorry
Thanks for the post Carkris. Things have improved between me and my husband. It's just the waiting game. I got a very bad infection(I'm sure stress brought my immune system down) and have to wait until Monday to see the surgeon. So I am resting up. I do know that my husband seems more tired these days. He is dealing with a very high pressure job.He works in a company that believes it's not the workers fault but the bosses fault. No excuses or else. High pressure. He works for the gov't. Enough said. So I feel for him. I have noticed since this all started he is falling asleep in his chair by 8p. I think he is torn btween me and work.Through no fault of his own. The people above him have no feelings and are just worried about themselves. A miltary type enviorment of management. So I find it hard to ask for what I need. So I find myself on this board a lot. I have been married since high school to this sweet wonderful precious man. I love him dearly and he me. I know he would die if anything happened to me. But I would like to be able to express myself more without feeling guilty that I am stressing him more. I know I talk too much about my cancer. But right now it is my whole life. Trying to figure out out loud how to fix this and survive it with my sanity intact. So what Hubby wrote helped so much. I still have to learn to stop feeling guilty and say what I need to. Ask for what I need. Try not to be so scared about surgery, pathology, and take it from there. Things are better. But won't be truly better until I know what I am truly dealing with. Then I hope to be able to stop feeling guilty for stressing my husband more. He has lost weight since this started 2 weeks ago. I think he keeps so much inside. How do I draw him out of that habit??I want to be there for him too.This is us not me in this..

Cindy Ann

Between
My wife doesnt want to talk. She has not been sleeping at night....last night I asked her why, what she is thinking about...she got up and left. I am not sleeping much either and my beer consumption has increased.
When she does talk, I listen, advise, hold, but that is rare. She laughs, jokes...makes jokes about not having boobs etc and none of us are real sure how to react. Maybe her way of dealing with this?
She made the comment to me a few nights ago that she wont be a woman anymore because she has had a hysterectomy, bi-lateral oophorectomy (Who named this proceedure?), now the pending mastectomy.
I dont know, guess I should ride this out and be there when she needs me.

24242

GregStahl said:

Between
My wife doesnt want to talk. She has not been sleeping at night....last night I asked her why, what she is thinking about...she got up and left. I am not sleeping much either and my beer consumption has increased.
When she does talk, I listen, advise, hold, but that is rare. She laughs, jokes...makes jokes about not having boobs etc and none of us are real sure how to react. Maybe her way of dealing with this?
She made the comment to me a few nights ago that she wont be a woman anymore because she has had a hysterectomy, bi-lateral oophorectomy (Who named this proceedure?), now the pending mastectomy.
I dont know, guess I should ride this out and be there when she needs me.

Greg
So much to deal with I am sorry for that...
I guess I just want to suggest one thing and that is it is hard for us to be totally honest about our feelings sometimes because they hang in the negativity and often stuck on the mortality of it all. I was never honest about how I truly felt most often feeling like I was loosing my battle and often wondered if it would all be worth it.
Unlike your wife I wasn't attached to all the things that made me a woman but know how it affects so many and often feel like their are loosing their identity, the WOMAN.
Sure I had to feel the losses when loosing both breasts but not like so many others who sometimes believe this is the connection to their partners.
We often think morbid things and should keep them to ourselves for they benefit no one. I was actually shocked how people still perceived me as this very strong positive being when I was actually falling apart inside. We get good at hiding our feelings because we truly do not want to hurt those we love for they have enough to deal with.
Put your expectations aside of what you think she should be saying and doing and your right all you can do is be there to listen when she lets you. She DOES need though it probably doesn't feel like it, but we would be nothing without those around us caring about and for us...
Your a good husband,
Tara

GregStahl

24242 said:

Greg
So much to deal with I am sorry for that...
I guess I just want to suggest one thing and that is it is hard for us to be totally honest about our feelings sometimes because they hang in the negativity and often stuck on the mortality of it all. I was never honest about how I truly felt most often feeling like I was loosing my battle and often wondered if it would all be worth it.
Unlike your wife I wasn't attached to all the things that made me a woman but know how it affects so many and often feel like their are loosing their identity, the WOMAN.
Sure I had to feel the losses when loosing both breasts but not like so many others who sometimes believe this is the connection to their partners.
We often think morbid things and should keep them to ourselves for they benefit no one. I was actually shocked how people still perceived me as this very strong positive being when I was actually falling apart inside. We get good at hiding our feelings because we truly do not want to hurt those we love for they have enough to deal with.
Put your expectations aside of what you think she should be saying and doing and your right all you can do is be there to listen when she lets you. She DOES need though it probably doesn't feel like it, but we would be nothing without those around us caring about and for us...
Your a good husband,
Tara

Tara
I think you hit the nail on head. Ruby is so strong, controling or needs to be in control and she cant control this.....but she can control the way people perceive how she is handling this.
My concern is that strong exterior, broken/breaking interior = negatives going into surgery and treatment.

chenheart

GregStahl said:

Tara
I think you hit the nail on head. Ruby is so strong, controling or needs to be in control and she cant control this.....but she can control the way people perceive how she is handling this.
My concern is that strong exterior, broken/breaking interior = negatives going into surgery and treatment.

It is so very difficult for
It is so very difficult for most of us to change the perceived roles we have in the family circle, isn't it? Women often are "in charge" of so many things, and as nurturers, we find it hard to let go and allow others to take care of us. Add to that, if the external vision we have of ourselves is altered by BC, shutting down is a way of not having to deal with that frightening thought. None of it makes sense, it just is...I was guilty of what I call "Ostrich Therapy"~ if I ignored how scared I was and tried to shield my man from my fears and how my body was going to change, perhaps it wouldn't be so devastating. I understand your wife's fears only too well, and I spent untold hours crying when I knew I was alone.

You need nurturing too, I know! I understand why you are increasing your beer consumption, but it concerns me. Maybe you can find a physical support group to attend; a place to vent, and find those who get what YOU are going through. As awesome as this place is, and it sooo it~ typing and connecting online here at CSN can be done while consuming copious amounts of alcohol. I know this because I have had too much red wine while typing more than once!I hope I am not out of line, and Lord knows I am not accusing you of anything, but your words just jumped off of the page at me, and I didn't want to ignore the pain you are in. Just something to think about...this damnable cancer has a far-reaching ripple effect .


Chen♥

Cindy Ann

GregStahl said:

Between
My wife doesnt want to talk. She has not been sleeping at night....last night I asked her why, what she is thinking about...she got up and left. I am not sleeping much either and my beer consumption has increased.
When she does talk, I listen, advise, hold, but that is rare. She laughs, jokes...makes jokes about not having boobs etc and none of us are real sure how to react. Maybe her way of dealing with this?
She made the comment to me a few nights ago that she wont be a woman anymore because she has had a hysterectomy, bi-lateral oophorectomy (Who named this proceedure?), now the pending mastectomy.
I dont know, guess I should ride this out and be there when she needs me.

Greg
Being newly diagnosed if you read my above comments/vents. You can see my poor husband has not had it easy.He is in a stressful job and now me with this new stresser. It sounds like your wife maybe in the same place as I am but worse.. I have a major guilt issue among others about putting my husband through this. Earlier dumb comments he didn't mean to make also have effected how I speak to him. But after reading this discussion I am trying very hard to let this not be about me but about my husband and me. Your wife needs to read this discussion. My husband did and things are better between both of us. I hate what my body is doing to me. I hate being scared witless, and most of all I hate not being 100% in control. Being a nurse believe me this makes me nuts.. But I can tell you this with 100% certainty no matter how much your wife is trying to push you away. She needs you very very much. I tried the push my husband away the first days of learning of my cancer. I even told my husband (he had just got through dumb comment number 50) that I would give him a divorce right now if he can't handle this. The whole time praying he would say NO divorce. Of course he said no divorce. It is a fear of you leaving her that is making her do this.The jokes and commments are to see what you'll say back. I really feel that. She feels she will not be the woman she was before all this happened. All you can do is tell her you are in 100% and will not leave her no matter how much she pushes or distances herself from you. I found by reading this discussion poor husband didn't and couldn't say a thing right to me. I also found out I did not know what I wanted from him. I just know this. His is the first face I see every morning and the last face I want to see when I leave this earth. He is the one person I want by my side come Hell or High water.( I wish he could hold my hand during surgery) Your remember this. Also please see someone professional about the beer. It may not be a problem now but you have a long road with your wife.Lots of ups and downs. Addictions sneak up on people and before they realize it they are in trouble. Please take this from a nurse who cares and has seen it all. You are so much stronger then you think. You don't need beer to do this. You need someone to be able to talk to who understands.. I hope I have not over stepped.. This post was sent with nothing but pure love..Don't let your wives distancing herself from you or the cancer eat your marriage up too. I love this site because it has already helped me in that area..

Blessings and love,
Cindy Ann

GregStahl

GregStahl said:

Tara
I think you hit the nail on head. Ruby is so strong, controling or needs to be in control and she cant control this.....but she can control the way people perceive how she is handling this.
My concern is that strong exterior, broken/breaking interior = negatives going into surgery and treatment.

Chen/Cindy Ann
a

GregStahl

Cindy Ann said:

Greg
Being newly diagnosed if you read my above comments/vents. You can see my poor husband has not had it easy.He is in a stressful job and now me with this new stresser. It sounds like your wife maybe in the same place as I am but worse.. I have a major guilt issue among others about putting my husband through this. Earlier dumb comments he didn't mean to make also have effected how I speak to him. But after reading this discussion I am trying very hard to let this not be about me but about my husband and me. Your wife needs to read this discussion. My husband did and things are better between both of us. I hate what my body is doing to me. I hate being scared witless, and most of all I hate not being 100% in control. Being a nurse believe me this makes me nuts.. But I can tell you this with 100% certainty no matter how much your wife is trying to push you away. She needs you very very much. I tried the push my husband away the first days of learning of my cancer. I even told my husband (he had just got through dumb comment number 50) that I would give him a divorce right now if he can't handle this. The whole time praying he would say NO divorce. Of course he said no divorce. It is a fear of you leaving her that is making her do this.The jokes and commments are to see what you'll say back. I really feel that. She feels she will not be the woman she was before all this happened. All you can do is tell her you are in 100% and will not leave her no matter how much she pushes or distances herself from you. I found by reading this discussion poor husband didn't and couldn't say a thing right to me. I also found out I did not know what I wanted from him. I just know this. His is the first face I see every morning and the last face I want to see when I leave this earth. He is the one person I want by my side come Hell or High water.( I wish he could hold my hand during surgery) Your remember this. Also please see someone professional about the beer. It may not be a problem now but you have a long road with your wife.Lots of ups and downs. Addictions sneak up on people and before they realize it they are in trouble. Please take this from a nurse who cares and has seen it all. You are so much stronger then you think. You don't need beer to do this. You need someone to be able to talk to who understands.. I hope I have not over stepped.. This post was sent with nothing but pure love..Don't let your wives distancing herself from you or the cancer eat your marriage up too. I love this site because it has already helped me in that area..

Blessings and love,
Cindy Ann

Chen/Cindy Ann
Points and advice taken!!! Since I have been thru this before with my mom, I have somewhat of a better understanding, yet I look at the past (1970s) and what happened to her and what the chemicals did to her, and it scares to POO out of me.
The increased use of my escape vehicle is out of fear and the waiting and waiting and waiting. I saw it, friends saw it, and with their advice I am back to a more normal level (2 or 3 a few times a week).
I do have a friend that talks with me about this but he has never been thru it himself so there is a lack of understnading....but someone to vent to has helped.
Being on here and getting the advice and hearing others stories has been a MAJOR help and I thank everyone for sharing, advising, and if/when I need it, smack me up side the head!!! Be fore warned.....I am hard headed though so you cant sue me if you break your hand. LOL