I lost my mum to cancer whilst dealing with it myself

GemmaB

My mum was diagnosed with cancer last april - one month later so was I. The shock that we both had cancer at the same time was indescribable although she had secondary liver cancer (they never did find the primary) and I had breast cancer.
Then my mum died 3 months from her diagnosis and just as I was starting chemotherapy. I couldnt deal with her death at the time so put it to the back of my mind in a box. Now, my treatment has reduced and I find I am missing her - I want to ring her up and say 'look how well I have done mum' but she isnt there. She was my friend, my big sister and my mother and I have lost her. How do I deal with this? I feel like I don't know how to grieve.

AKAngel

My deepest sympathies
How hard it must be to have this burden without her to help you. But I'm sure you still feel her with you, especially when you want to talk with her. Perhaps it would help to write a journal to her as a way to help you with your grief. You can let her know all the things in your heart, your progress, your adventures, your sorrows. Did she have anything she liked doing, that you can do in her honor? Plant a garden, do a fund-raising walk or bake sale, etc? Sometimes that is said to help keep memories alive in a positive light and help with healing. (I don't know what I'm going to do when my mom dies; she has terminal liver cancer, and isn't expected to live past the fall. Perhaps I'll be writing her a journal too.) Also, find out if the local ACS has counseling available for you. Talking here is wonderful, but eye to eye contact can do so much more for you, as well as a soothing voice, and they can even offer you a tissue, which unfortunately we can't here. It's good to hear that your treatments are being reduced. I hope all will work out for you in the end. Prayers for strength and hugs....

GemmaB

AKAngel said:

My deepest sympathies
How hard it must be to have this burden without her to help you. But I'm sure you still feel her with you, especially when you want to talk with her. Perhaps it would help to write a journal to her as a way to help you with your grief. You can let her know all the things in your heart, your progress, your adventures, your sorrows. Did she have anything she liked doing, that you can do in her honor? Plant a garden, do a fund-raising walk or bake sale, etc? Sometimes that is said to help keep memories alive in a positive light and help with healing. (I don't know what I'm going to do when my mom dies; she has terminal liver cancer, and isn't expected to live past the fall. Perhaps I'll be writing her a journal too.) Also, find out if the local ACS has counseling available for you. Talking here is wonderful, but eye to eye contact can do so much more for you, as well as a soothing voice, and they can even offer you a tissue, which unfortunately we can't here. It's good to hear that your treatments are being reduced. I hope all will work out for you in the end. Prayers for strength and hugs....

Thanks for your thoughts
Thank you so much for your kind response,I welcome your ideas, I must admit I have never considered a journal but I like the idea.Especially if I write it as if I was speaking to her.
Mum was a great walker, she did many long distance walks on her own staying in youth hostels etc. My sister has set up a 'geocache' in her honour (see www.geocaching.com)the idea being that people take the 'travel bug' around the country to places where she liked to walk - we can follow its progress on line (her travel bug reference is TB2R217 if you want to see it online).
I would like to do a walk in her honour when my treatment ends in september.
Mum also used to come and look after my house and dog when I was away - I have planted lavender - her favourite plant along the front of the house.
I am sorry to hear about your mom, I only had a very short time with mum before she passed away - there are so many things you want to say to each other and if was difficult to do this with us both going through treatment. I realised how little I knew her as she told me stories of her youth and wish that we could have had more time, however life doesnt work like that does it?

AKAngel

GemmaB said:

Thanks for your thoughts
Thank you so much for your kind response,I welcome your ideas, I must admit I have never considered a journal but I like the idea.Especially if I write it as if I was speaking to her.
Mum was a great walker, she did many long distance walks on her own staying in youth hostels etc. My sister has set up a 'geocache' in her honour (see www.geocaching.com)the idea being that people take the 'travel bug' around the country to places where she liked to walk - we can follow its progress on line (her travel bug reference is TB2R217 if you want to see it online).
I would like to do a walk in her honour when my treatment ends in september.
Mum also used to come and look after my house and dog when I was away - I have planted lavender - her favourite plant along the front of the house.
I am sorry to hear about your mom, I only had a very short time with mum before she passed away - there are so many things you want to say to each other and if was difficult to do this with us both going through treatment. I realised how little I knew her as she told me stories of her youth and wish that we could have had more time, however life doesnt work like that does it?

You're welcome
I think that travel bug thing is a cool way of honoring her, and the lavender. My mom loves daffodils and yellow roses; perhaps I'll grow those for her. And no, life rarely works the way we want it to. I've tried to talk to my mom about certain things I'd like details on, but her brain doesn't work the way it used to because of the chemo and the meds she's on. But I do as I can. Stay in touch when you can, maybe you can get a following to do your walk with you, depending on where you live of course. (((hugs)))