Sad for Him, Struggling with Me

djbfamily
djbfamily Member Posts: 8
edited March 2014 in Surviving Caregivers #1
I lost my husband two months ago to esophogeal cancer, an ugly disease he battled for 10 months. He was 41, a wonderful husband, and even better Daddy. We have three beautiful girls ages 12, 10 and 6. I think about him every second of every day -- my heart is broken. We were so perfect together and had things right where we could step back and say, "This is what we worked so hard for, our lives are perfect . . . it's time to enjoy!" We were together for 20 years, married for 15. I am so sad for him, for what he was cheated, for what he will miss.

I would like to hear from some other caregiveres who have lost their spouse, their childrens' father/mother, people who like me who are struggling (or have struggled) to find the stregnth to continue to be some resemblence of who you were before the cancer.
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Comments

  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #2
    Surviving
    I lost my husband of 42years six months ago. The only thing I could think when I was first told that his cancer was treatable but life shortening was that we weren't going to grow old together. We had worked hard to have a comfortable retirement. Our children are adults with children of their own, so I don' t have your responsibilities to care for a family alone. I am a retired teacher and always told my students that single parents were my heroes. I still believe that. I am sure that you will do what is best for your family. Right now you are dealing with your grief and your daughters' grief. Grieving is hard. Even after 6 months I am grieving. Some days are harder than others. Sometimes little things seem overwhelming. My guess is that you will never be the same. Your normal is now very different. Your experience with cancer and the loss of your husband,best friend, and lover has changed you, your daughters, and your normal forever. Yes, moving forward is a struggle. I don't have any words of wisdom. You will find your own way. Just take every minute, hour, and day one at a time. We will survive. You will be an amazing mother for your daughters. Hang in there, Fay
  • crose
    crose Member Posts: 9
    #3
    also a caregiver for husband with EC
    My husband died at the end of March after a 18 month struggle with esophageal cancer. It was horrible to watch him suffer. He was 49, and in denial almost until the end. We didn't have kids, but we were in the process of building a house when he was diagnosed, so I am picking up the pieces of the dream that we couldn't finish together. Some days have been very hard, but I'm amazed to find out how strong I can be and how many supportive friends I have.

    I'm not a very religious person, but there are moments when I still feel a real connection to him as if his spirit is around and that is very comforting.

    I don't think there are any magic answers as to how to regain some normalcy. I've talked to a counselor for several months now, and that has helped. I'm back to work (as a middle school teacher), and the kids certainly keep me focused on the here and now. I think for me it's just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other. Crying when I need to cry. Staying in touch with friends.

    I hope you and your children find some comfort/strength.
  • crose
    crose Member Posts: 9
    #4
    also a caregiver for husband with EC
    My husband died at the end of March after a 18 month struggle with esophageal cancer. It was horrible to watch him suffer. He was 49, and in denial almost until the end. We didn't have kids, but we were in the process of building a house when he was diagnosed, so I am picking up the pieces of the dream that we couldn't finish together. Some days have been very hard, but I'm amazed to find out how strong I can be and how many supportive friends I have.

    I'm not a very religious person, but there are moments when I still feel a real connection to him as if his spirit is around and that is very comforting.

    I don't think there are any magic answers as to how to regain some normalcy. I've talked to a counselor for several months now, and that has helped. I'm back to work (as a middle school teacher), and the kids certainly keep me focused on the here and now. I think for me it's just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other. Crying when I need to cry. Staying in touch with friends.

    I hope you and your children find some comfort/strength.
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #5
    crose said:

    also a caregiver for husband with EC
    My husband died at the end of March after a 18 month struggle with esophageal cancer. It was horrible to watch him suffer. He was 49, and in denial almost until the end. We didn't have kids, but we were in the process of building a house when he was diagnosed, so I am picking up the pieces of the dream that we couldn't finish together. Some days have been very hard, but I'm amazed to find out how strong I can be and how many supportive friends I have.

    I'm not a very religious person, but there are moments when I still feel a real connection to him as if his spirit is around and that is very comforting.

    I don't think there are any magic answers as to how to regain some normalcy. I've talked to a counselor for several months now, and that has helped. I'm back to work (as a middle school teacher), and the kids certainly keep me focused on the here and now. I think for me it's just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other. Crying when I need to cry. Staying in touch with friends.

    I hope you and your children find some comfort/strength.

    Middle School
    I was a special ed middle school teacher for 6 years. They really do keep you focused! I am glad the counselor is helping. I think you are right that we just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Building a house can be stressful under any circumstances. We do seem to find the strength we need, though. Take care, Fay
  • onlyhuman
    onlyhuman Member Posts: 99
    #6
    Hear you
    Hi
    I lost my husband in December 09 to GBM (brain tumour). He was diagnosed in March 09 so his battle was short as well. We have 2 girls aged 3 and 9 and were married for 11 years. We used to complete each others sentences and were such a great fit. The month of May has been hard becuase it was the first Mother's Day he was not around to plan things with the girls. 11 May was his birthday and we always celebrated the 2 together. 22 May would have been our 12th anniversary. Our landlord decided to sell so I had no choice but to find us laternatiev accomodation. Thats worked out because I have now bought and we should be able to move in the next week or 2. Work has been an issue as well (I am working but do not have job security) but I now have an offer for a new job so things are looking up.
    I find I can't be who I was before cancer...my carefree days are gone. Some day I may be able to "soften" again but for now I have to hold it all together for al of us. He left me with 2 beautiful girls who are his legacy and its my job to see them reach their full potential.
    Its been 4 weeks since you first posted so hopefully you have had some good days since then.
    I too am heart broken but that one I will elave for time to heal.
  • Tina Blondek
    Tina Blondek Member Posts: 1,500 Member
    #7
    onlyhuman said:

    Hear you
    Hi
    I lost my husband in December 09 to GBM (brain tumour). He was diagnosed in March 09 so his battle was short as well. We have 2 girls aged 3 and 9 and were married for 11 years. We used to complete each others sentences and were such a great fit. The month of May has been hard becuase it was the first Mother's Day he was not around to plan things with the girls. 11 May was his birthday and we always celebrated the 2 together. 22 May would have been our 12th anniversary. Our landlord decided to sell so I had no choice but to find us laternatiev accomodation. Thats worked out because I have now bought and we should be able to move in the next week or 2. Work has been an issue as well (I am working but do not have job security) but I now have an offer for a new job so things are looking up.
    I find I can't be who I was before cancer...my carefree days are gone. Some day I may be able to "soften" again but for now I have to hold it all together for al of us. He left me with 2 beautiful girls who are his legacy and its my job to see them reach their full potential.
    Its been 4 weeks since you first posted so hopefully you have had some good days since then.
    I too am heart broken but that one I will elave for time to heal.

    You Are Not Alone
    First let me express my deepest sympathies to those of you who recently lost your husbands. My heart aches for you. I was a caregiver for my dad. He passed away in March after a 16 month battle with esophageal cancer with mets to the liver. I can relate to you. It is very hard to accept. I try my best to put it all in God's hands. I know that my dad is now in a much better place, with no pain, no suffering, no many medications. My mom, brother and I have had a hard time dealing with our loss, but it does get easier. We look forward to being able to see our dad and husband again. We look forward to spending eternity together. Jesus made us that promise, we have to believe it. We have to move on, live our lives for our families. We all have children of our own that we have to take care of. I will be thinking of you and praying for you. May peace be with you through this difficult time.
    Tina
  • panks
    panks Member Posts: 36 Member
    #8
    Not the same
    I will never be the same person I was before cancer. Maybe one day my smile will reach my eyes again but for now my smile is only lip service. They take such a huge part of us when they go on to heaven that it is impossible to be the same person. The most I hope for nowadays is to find my new normal, I had normal, then I had a new normal, and now hes gone so yet again I have to find another new normal.. God bless you and your children.

    Panks
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #9
    onlyhuman said:

    Hear you
    Hi
    I lost my husband in December 09 to GBM (brain tumour). He was diagnosed in March 09 so his battle was short as well. We have 2 girls aged 3 and 9 and were married for 11 years. We used to complete each others sentences and were such a great fit. The month of May has been hard becuase it was the first Mother's Day he was not around to plan things with the girls. 11 May was his birthday and we always celebrated the 2 together. 22 May would have been our 12th anniversary. Our landlord decided to sell so I had no choice but to find us laternatiev accomodation. Thats worked out because I have now bought and we should be able to move in the next week or 2. Work has been an issue as well (I am working but do not have job security) but I now have an offer for a new job so things are looking up.
    I find I can't be who I was before cancer...my carefree days are gone. Some day I may be able to "soften" again but for now I have to hold it all together for al of us. He left me with 2 beautiful girls who are his legacy and its my job to see them reach their full potential.
    Its been 4 weeks since you first posted so hopefully you have had some good days since then.
    I too am heart broken but that one I will elave for time to heal.

    Hello, Onlyhuman
    I'm glad to see you posting here again. I don't think any of us who have been touched by cancer will ever be the same. I think the disease, the caregiving, and the loss of our loved one changes us in very basic ways. People sometimes call it character building. Personally, I think my character was just fine already, thank you. Yet I do feel that I grew through the experience. I find that I have more patience and am able to relate to others in difficult situations better. That doesn't make it hurt any less. I am sure you are an amazing mother to those two girls. I am sorry for the difficult days in May. I hope moving doesn't prove too stressful and it does sound like a better place for all of you. Good luck on the job front. Fay
  • onlyhuman
    onlyhuman Member Posts: 99
    #10
    grandmafay said:

    Hello, Onlyhuman
    I'm glad to see you posting here again. I don't think any of us who have been touched by cancer will ever be the same. I think the disease, the caregiving, and the loss of our loved one changes us in very basic ways. People sometimes call it character building. Personally, I think my character was just fine already, thank you. Yet I do feel that I grew through the experience. I find that I have more patience and am able to relate to others in difficult situations better. That doesn't make it hurt any less. I am sure you are an amazing mother to those two girls. I am sorry for the difficult days in May. I hope moving doesn't prove too stressful and it does sound like a better place for all of you. Good luck on the job front. Fay

    Hi Fay
    I had a good laugh at your comment about character building. I too thought my character was just fine, thank you. We are very excited about the move. Yes it will be stressful but it will be well worth it. Somehow I feel like hubby has been giving me support in the big decisions I have had to make. Sounds weird but I think there's no harm in believing in some small way he's watching out for us. Hope you are keeping well.
    Sangeeta
  • djbfamily
    djbfamily Member Posts: 8
    #11
    grandmafay said:

    Surviving
    I lost my husband of 42years six months ago. The only thing I could think when I was first told that his cancer was treatable but life shortening was that we weren't going to grow old together. We had worked hard to have a comfortable retirement. Our children are adults with children of their own, so I don' t have your responsibilities to care for a family alone. I am a retired teacher and always told my students that single parents were my heroes. I still believe that. I am sure that you will do what is best for your family. Right now you are dealing with your grief and your daughters' grief. Grieving is hard. Even after 6 months I am grieving. Some days are harder than others. Sometimes little things seem overwhelming. My guess is that you will never be the same. Your normal is now very different. Your experience with cancer and the loss of your husband,best friend, and lover has changed you, your daughters, and your normal forever. Yes, moving forward is a struggle. I don't have any words of wisdom. You will find your own way. Just take every minute, hour, and day one at a time. We will survive. You will be an amazing mother for your daughters. Hang in there, Fay

    Thank you for posting. I am
    Thank you for posting. I am moving forward - I get up everyday and take care of our girls and our home (sad that I call that moving forward!) My heart still breaks, I still cry so much -- I think that the sadness only gets worse as the days go by. But I know I have to survive.
  • djbfamily
    djbfamily Member Posts: 8
    #12
    onlyhuman said:

    Hear you
    Hi
    I lost my husband in December 09 to GBM (brain tumour). He was diagnosed in March 09 so his battle was short as well. We have 2 girls aged 3 and 9 and were married for 11 years. We used to complete each others sentences and were such a great fit. The month of May has been hard becuase it was the first Mother's Day he was not around to plan things with the girls. 11 May was his birthday and we always celebrated the 2 together. 22 May would have been our 12th anniversary. Our landlord decided to sell so I had no choice but to find us laternatiev accomodation. Thats worked out because I have now bought and we should be able to move in the next week or 2. Work has been an issue as well (I am working but do not have job security) but I now have an offer for a new job so things are looking up.
    I find I can't be who I was before cancer...my carefree days are gone. Some day I may be able to "soften" again but for now I have to hold it all together for al of us. He left me with 2 beautiful girls who are his legacy and its my job to see them reach their full potential.
    Its been 4 weeks since you first posted so hopefully you have had some good days since then.
    I too am heart broken but that one I will elave for time to heal.

    Our Carefree Days are Gone
    Our Carefree Days are Gone -- how true that is. I feel so much stress and responsibility with our girls, our home, and just the daily things that we did together. My husband did so much for our family to keep things running smoothly. I feel for you, with all of the days that are so tough -- mother's day, your anniversary . . . father's day coming up. Thank you for your post.
  • SamsWife
    SamsWife Member Posts: 50
    #13
    djbfamily said:

    Our Carefree Days are Gone
    Our Carefree Days are Gone -- how true that is. I feel so much stress and responsibility with our girls, our home, and just the daily things that we did together. My husband did so much for our family to keep things running smoothly. I feel for you, with all of the days that are so tough -- mother's day, your anniversary . . . father's day coming up. Thank you for your post.

    Our Carefree Days are Gone
    Hi~

    I just wanted to let you know that I'm so sorry for your loss ~ you have a beautiful family and it sounds as if you were very happy. I just wanted to offer my support and tell you that sometimes life just doesn't seem fair. As you said, you were just beginning to enjoy all of your hard work. I'm certain you will have better days ahead but right now is so challenging. Hang in there ~ Lots of love ~ Tina
  • djbfamily
    djbfamily Member Posts: 8
    #14
    SamsWife said:

    Our Carefree Days are Gone
    Hi~

    I just wanted to let you know that I'm so sorry for your loss ~ you have a beautiful family and it sounds as if you were very happy. I just wanted to offer my support and tell you that sometimes life just doesn't seem fair. As you said, you were just beginning to enjoy all of your hard work. I'm certain you will have better days ahead but right now is so challenging. Hang in there ~ Lots of love ~ Tina

    Thank you. My heart breaks
    Thank you. My heart breaks every day. I have such an aching heart just wanting to have what is now gone. It is such a lonely feeling being here without him; I have such overwhelming sadness for what he is missing too. I struggle so much with finding positive moments in our lives and enjoying them; I try for my girls. Any thoughts or advise is so much appreciated. Thank you.
  • SamsWife
    SamsWife Member Posts: 50
    #15
    djbfamily said:

    Thank you. My heart breaks
    Thank you. My heart breaks every day. I have such an aching heart just wanting to have what is now gone. It is such a lonely feeling being here without him; I have such overwhelming sadness for what he is missing too. I struggle so much with finding positive moments in our lives and enjoying them; I try for my girls. Any thoughts or advise is so much appreciated. Thank you.

    Hi again~
    I haven't
    Hi again~

    I haven't forgotten about you and your request for advice or thoughts ~ I just don't know what to tell you other than what you are already doing. I know you're stuggling to try and realize the good things you still have in your life - mostly, your children, but it's so difficult when you're feeling so sad. My feeling is that time will help ~ with time, we learn how to cope better and fill our days with getting on with our lives. A friend of mine told me that life is for the living and I think that's very wise - that doesn't mean that we will forget our loved ones or miss them any less but we do have to get on with life. I try to think about what I want my family to do when I die. I don't want them to be overcome with sadness - I want them to be happy and get on with doing the best they can in their lives ~ I'm sure your husband really wants you to be happy (I apologize if I'm overstepping my advice here). I know you can't help feeling sad right now. I really do think just getting up out of bed everyday and going through the motions of what needs doing and being there (as much as you can be and I'm sure some days are better than others) for your children is all you can really do. I believe, in time, things will get better for you and you'll feel genuine happiness again - in time.

    Best wishes to you,
    Love - Tina
  • lindadanis
    lindadanis Member Posts: 235
    #16
    DJB family
    I was just reading your post and noticed that your husband passed away from esphophgeal cancer. My husband was diagnosed last october at age 55 and is still doing treatment. He was stage four right from the start, did nine rounds of chemo then they found out last week he as a brain tumor and is now doing radiation. EC is horrible, I can identify with everything you said. I would like to know where do you live, how are you doing now? I live in Massachusetts. I think this cancer is horrible, it just eats away at you everyday. I have one daughter, age 22, who lives at home and has been helping me out. My husband has had a horrible time since day one trying to accept his diagnosis. Can you tell me more about your story?

    thanks so much

    linda
  • lindadanis
    lindadanis Member Posts: 235
    #17
    crose said:

    also a caregiver for husband with EC
    My husband died at the end of March after a 18 month struggle with esophageal cancer. It was horrible to watch him suffer. He was 49, and in denial almost until the end. We didn't have kids, but we were in the process of building a house when he was diagnosed, so I am picking up the pieces of the dream that we couldn't finish together. Some days have been very hard, but I'm amazed to find out how strong I can be and how many supportive friends I have.

    I'm not a very religious person, but there are moments when I still feel a real connection to him as if his spirit is around and that is very comforting.

    I don't think there are any magic answers as to how to regain some normalcy. I've talked to a counselor for several months now, and that has helped. I'm back to work (as a middle school teacher), and the kids certainly keep me focused on the here and now. I think for me it's just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other. Crying when I need to cry. Staying in touch with friends.

    I hope you and your children find some comfort/strength.

    crose
    I was reading your post and my husband also has stage four ec cancer since last october, he too is in denial., can you give me any advice on how to deal with this, he was just diagnosed with brain mets and is undergoing radiation, he had done 9 round of chemo. It is very very hard to live with a person with so much anger.

    Linda

    I live in Mass, where do you live?
  • lindadanis
    lindadanis Member Posts: 235
    #18
    esphogeal cancer
    my husband, age 56, was diagnosed last october with stage four. He currntly has a new met to his brain and is undergoing whole brain radiation. Did any of your husbands go through this and if so, can you give me any advice. This cancer is a horrible cancer that destroys families., I can fully understand what all of your are saying. Please write if you can give me any advice. I am scared and lonely and don't know what to say to him anymore.
    thanks

    Linda
  • panks
    panks Member Posts: 36 Member
    #19
    lindadanis said:

    esphogeal cancer
    my husband, age 56, was diagnosed last october with stage four. He currntly has a new met to his brain and is undergoing whole brain radiation. Did any of your husbands go through this and if so, can you give me any advice. This cancer is a horrible cancer that destroys families., I can fully understand what all of your are saying. Please write if you can give me any advice. I am scared and lonely and don't know what to say to him anymore.
    thanks

    Linda

    What to say
    You say I love you and always will. The worst part of the whole brain radiation for Dale was it made his head itch unbearbly. Make sure the Dr. gives him something perscription strength for that, he did get really tired easily but that was a easy side effect to deal with. It is scary but it doesnt have to be quite so lonely, just make sure you and him talk and share your thoughts about everything and anything. Please keep us posted on how he and you are doing.

    Panks
  • djbfamily
    djbfamily Member Posts: 8
    #20
    lindadanis said:

    crose
    I was reading your post and my husband also has stage four ec cancer since last october, he too is in denial., can you give me any advice on how to deal with this, he was just diagnosed with brain mets and is undergoing radiation, he had done 9 round of chemo. It is very very hard to live with a person with so much anger.

    Linda

    I live in Mass, where do you live?

    Hello Linda. I am so sorry
    Hello Linda. I am so sorry for what your family is experiencing - it really is a living hell. My husband was never in denial, he seemed to accept the diagnosis and started trying to move forward with treatment - none went well or had positive outcomes, we tried everything. I will say from the day he was diagnosed, he was a changed person; the diagnosis sucked his life right from him, and mine from me. He tried to carry on as normal as possible, but life as we new it was over. I would say that my husband was angry until he was told there was nothing for them to do for him. He then became focused on each day and spending the time with our family and friends. I was/am the one who is angry - wanting him back! My advice is to LOVE him, tell him every chance you get. Every day I just want to tell Den I love him, just one more time.
  • djbfamily
    djbfamily Member Posts: 8
    #21
    lindadanis said:

    esphogeal cancer
    my husband, age 56, was diagnosed last october with stage four. He currntly has a new met to his brain and is undergoing whole brain radiation. Did any of your husbands go through this and if so, can you give me any advice. This cancer is a horrible cancer that destroys families., I can fully understand what all of your are saying. Please write if you can give me any advice. I am scared and lonely and don't know what to say to him anymore.
    thanks

    Linda

    Hello Linda. I wanted to
    Hello Linda. I wanted to check in on you and see how things were going. I think about you and what you said, cancer destroys families - yes it does. I too am often scared and so lonely -- we can only hope and pray that get easier/better.

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