Caregiver having heart surgery: Should I tell the truth?

mafaldas

My mom was diagnosed with glioblastoma in January of 2010. She recently finished chemo and radio, and she is doing very well. She finished the therapy with no side effects (except for some mild hearing loss). She is exercising, keeps an active social schedule, and will return to work on Monday. For the first time since January, things are stable, and she and I are happy and hopeful.

The problem is, I found out today that I have to get heart valve replacement surgery. The surgery is scheduled for July, and for my own health, as well as my ability to care for my mom in the future, I cannot postpone this. I’ve known this surgery was coming, and, not knowing that my mom’s health was going to fail, I began preparing her for it before she was diagnosed with glioblastoma. So, she knows that I might need surgery, and she often asks about it.

I don’t know if I should tell her I am having surgery. Should I tell her that I am having surgery and risk undoing all the improvements she has made these past few months? Or, should I hide it from her until after the procedure? (Because she lives far from me, it is possible to hide the procedure from her until after the surgery.) It will be hard, however, for me to communicate with her when I am in the hospital, and I fear that keeping her in the dark would only raise her anxiety even more.

I would appreciate some ideas from other cancer caregivers.

grandmafay

Honesty
Honesty may not always be the best policy, but in this case I think it might be. I am not in your place, though, and I think you are the one who is in the best position to make this decision. Since your mom has asked you about the surgery, she may already be worried about it. It may actually relieve her mind to know that you are following through with it. I am sure that she wants to know that you are taking care of yourself. These aren't words of wisdom, just thoughts. Whatever decision you make will be the right one. Fay

Barbara53

let her be strong
Hopefully your mother will stay quite strong for at least the next 6 months, which is the typical course after first-line interventions. So, this is the perfect time to see to your own medical needs. Do tell her what's going on, especially in terms of how everything is working out, timewise. Stay part of one another's support teams.

Instead of knocking her back, having to take care of herself for a few weeks this summer will help your mother to be strong. Since my mother finished chemo last year, self care has been her primary job, and it isn't easy. We talk about it every day (phone) and I praise her for dealing with so many complications, and coach on handling new stuff. It can work.

Good luck. A friend had a bad valve fixed last year, and it took a while to get his strength back. But you oughtta see the garden he has planted this year. The repair worked wonders.

mafaldas

Barbara53 said:

let her be strong
Hopefully your mother will stay quite strong for at least the next 6 months, which is the typical course after first-line interventions. So, this is the perfect time to see to your own medical needs. Do tell her what's going on, especially in terms of how everything is working out, timewise. Stay part of one another's support teams.

Instead of knocking her back, having to take care of herself for a few weeks this summer will help your mother to be strong. Since my mother finished chemo last year, self care has been her primary job, and it isn't easy. We talk about it every day (phone) and I praise her for dealing with so many complications, and coach on handling new stuff. It can work.

Good luck. A friend had a bad valve fixed last year, and it took a while to get his strength back. But you oughtta see the garden he has planted this year. The repair worked wonders.

GrandmaFay and
GrandmaFay and Barbara53,

Thank you for your comments. You both make some good points. There are some positives to this surgery (e.g., I will be able to help my mom with some physical tasks I cannot do right now, and child-bearing will no longer be advised against). But, I am concerned that all the worrying my mom will do will give the cancer an opportunity to strengthen again. Thanks for your comments, though. They are valid, and I really have to carefully weigh my options.

augigi

mafaldas said:

GrandmaFay and
GrandmaFay and Barbara53,

Thank you for your comments. You both make some good points. There are some positives to this surgery (e.g., I will be able to help my mom with some physical tasks I cannot do right now, and child-bearing will no longer be advised against). But, I am concerned that all the worrying my mom will do will give the cancer an opportunity to strengthen again. Thanks for your comments, though. They are valid, and I really have to carefully weigh my options.

She's your mom - she would
She's your mom - she would want to know. Apart from anything else, you both know how fleeting life can be and there may be things you want to say to each other beforehand. I am sure she will be glad to have the chance to support you and repay some of the care you have given her. Worrying won't make her cancer return.

I've looked after a lot of people with valve replacements and most of them do great. Get yourself in the best condition you can beforehand and it will help speed your recovery afterwards.