My mom attacked me this morning
Comments
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I am so sorry you are going
I am so sorry you are going through this. We are at the beginning stages of taking care of my mother after her diagnosis 3 months ago. She just had round 1 of chemo. I will tell you about 2 weeks ago she began having very vivid hallucinations which landed her back in the hospital. They were so weird and out of no where. She too takes dilaudid.
However they discoved she had a UTI. I had no idea that UTI's cause hallucinations but they do. I know in your moms case it could be her methadone but maybe they should see if she has a UTI.
I wish I could be of more help, like I said I am new to this although these last 3 months have been very draining on both my sister and I.
Best of luck to you.0 -
Wow....
AKAngel,
I am so sorry to hear the emotional torment in your post. I am taking care of my father who's cancer has gone to his brain. He, too, hallucinates and has bouts of confusion. Thankfully, he has never been violent. I told my father when we started this journey and he had to move in with me, that there were going to be times that we will get mad at each other but we would have to work it out to get thru it all. It is so hard changing rolls from being the daughter to the caregiver (parent). Perhaps a sit down with your father on the reality of what is happening is in order. I know he wants to please your mother, but you have to have his support in order to get thru this. Maybe, if he steps up during one of her episodes, she will react to him as her spouse, rather than you as her child. You are always stronger in numbers. I hope you have a better day today.
Kim0 -
I'm sorry
thank goodness you love your mom and know this is not mom, but disease and medication. I have heard of the hallucinations. At this time would it be more prudent for your mom to be in a hospice facility rather than at home where they could manage her violet outbursts if they continue? If your mom is belittling you maybe it is that she is scared and that is her outlet.
I know there are different phases of "actively dying". I really don't know much about it but it is my understanding that people go through different phases before the end of life. Perhaps you could mention it to hospice out of earshot of everyone else and see if this is where you are at.
Other than the above I don't have anything to offer. Hang in there and just do the best you can, that is all any of us can do.
Tina0 -
Thanks to all...geotina said:I'm sorry
thank goodness you love your mom and know this is not mom, but disease and medication. I have heard of the hallucinations. At this time would it be more prudent for your mom to be in a hospice facility rather than at home where they could manage her violet outbursts if they continue? If your mom is belittling you maybe it is that she is scared and that is her outlet.
I know there are different phases of "actively dying". I really don't know much about it but it is my understanding that people go through different phases before the end of life. Perhaps you could mention it to hospice out of earshot of everyone else and see if this is where you are at.
Other than the above I don't have anything to offer. Hang in there and just do the best you can, that is all any of us can do.
Tina
I appreciate your thoughts. I have been sleeping on and off for most of the day now, but still feel awful. Weird as it may sound, I feel violated..like a mental rape occured. Of course my mom doesn't remember, or does but isn't going to apologize. And my dad just goes on like nothing happened. I feel so numb, I mean my mom basically did a suicide attempt right in front of me, trying to jump from a moving car...I almost feel that this is just a job gone bad, and I'm going to just go through the motions. She has an appointment with her doctor tomorrow, and I'll be there, but just physically. She's destroyed something in me that I can't describe. I know that the drugs were to blame..but those things came from my mom, those words, those actions. How much is a person supposed to seperate? I asked for clarity from above...no response could I find, or it couldn't find me. Is someone out there that can be the mouthpiece for the divine, and tell me what I'm supposed to do?0 -
cool off timeAKAngel said:Thanks to all...
I appreciate your thoughts. I have been sleeping on and off for most of the day now, but still feel awful. Weird as it may sound, I feel violated..like a mental rape occured. Of course my mom doesn't remember, or does but isn't going to apologize. And my dad just goes on like nothing happened. I feel so numb, I mean my mom basically did a suicide attempt right in front of me, trying to jump from a moving car...I almost feel that this is just a job gone bad, and I'm going to just go through the motions. She has an appointment with her doctor tomorrow, and I'll be there, but just physically. She's destroyed something in me that I can't describe. I know that the drugs were to blame..but those things came from my mom, those words, those actions. How much is a person supposed to seperate? I asked for clarity from above...no response could I find, or it couldn't find me. Is someone out there that can be the mouthpiece for the divine, and tell me what I'm supposed to do?
I have a little bit of a feel for what you've been through,only not nearly as bad. For reasons I can't fathom other than out-and-out rage, my mother attacked me verbally for one thing after another a few weeks ago. Everything I did was wrong, and she was finding and pushing emotional buttons that had been untouched since I was a teenager (I'm 56). When I finally confronted her,she said she didn't remember saying some of the things she said, but then she became very, very contrite, so I think she knew.
A friend has a wise saying: if it feels crazy, it probably is. In other words, this is a mental ILLNESS, just like all the other illnesses our mothers are dealing with. If you can set that boundary -- this is not my real mother, this is my very sick mother -- perhaps things will go better. You are also within your rights to tell your mother that you have discovered your limits, that you will be there for her but that doesn't mean she can be abusive. Worked for me.0 -
I am so sorry to hear this.
I am so sorry to hear this. I went through something similar (although much milder) with my mom a few months ago.
What really helped in our situation was to call her psychologist and two very close family friends. When she was calmer, we all spoke to her together. They explained why her behavior was hurtful and unproductive. They also pointed out things I could be doing better. At first, she denied everything we said. She denied she was saying hurtful things. But, after a day or two, she came around. We have had run-ins and arguments, but no more blow-ups like that day. I think it really helped to have disinterested parties help my mom see why her actions were not helping our relationship and her health.0 -
If only...mafaldas said:I am so sorry to hear this.
I am so sorry to hear this. I went through something similar (although much milder) with my mom a few months ago.
What really helped in our situation was to call her psychologist and two very close family friends. When she was calmer, we all spoke to her together. They explained why her behavior was hurtful and unproductive. They also pointed out things I could be doing better. At first, she denied everything we said. She denied she was saying hurtful things. But, after a day or two, she came around. We have had run-ins and arguments, but no more blow-ups like that day. I think it really helped to have disinterested parties help my mom see why her actions were not helping our relationship and her health.
I hear what you're saying about having an impartial third party to make my mom see the light. Unfortunately, she has always presented a different side of herself to any person outside of my dad and myself. She won't even confront her family members when they upset her, just pretend to them like everything is fine and then as soon as they leave, complain and yell about them to my dad and I. And this was way before this cancer happened. The hospice that she was using had let her know that they had counsellors available to talk to, about anything and she flat refused. She has always felt that any sort of 'therapy' is a weakness, although she seemed ok with me going to see the hospice counsellor about my feelings through this. But now, she signed herself out of hospice, so I can't see him until she gets back on with them...if she chooses to. And as far as friends...she doesn't really have any, and certainly not ones she is willing to have help her realize her destructive behavior isn't healthy. It's agonizing that she trusts my dad and I the most, but won't really let us help her at all, or doesn't like to take our word. She'll be seeing the doctor this afternoon, and I can bet any amount of money that she will down-play anything she does remember from the last 48hrs and certainly not mention her attempt to jump from a moving car. She hasn't taken the Methadone now for almost 24hrs but she's still having hallucinations and somehow still believes she is capable of driving. I've made sure the car keys aren't available to her, but all I can say positive about this right now is that she's not being violent. But my dad and I have to go run errands, and she's too out of it to come with us, and it worries me that she'll be by herself for that time, maybe an hour or so. There is literally no one I can call to come sit with her, no family or friend. I hate this darn disease so much.0 -
We are here for you and thinkinf of youAKAngel said:If only...
I hear what you're saying about having an impartial third party to make my mom see the light. Unfortunately, she has always presented a different side of herself to any person outside of my dad and myself. She won't even confront her family members when they upset her, just pretend to them like everything is fine and then as soon as they leave, complain and yell about them to my dad and I. And this was way before this cancer happened. The hospice that she was using had let her know that they had counsellors available to talk to, about anything and she flat refused. She has always felt that any sort of 'therapy' is a weakness, although she seemed ok with me going to see the hospice counsellor about my feelings through this. But now, she signed herself out of hospice, so I can't see him until she gets back on with them...if she chooses to. And as far as friends...she doesn't really have any, and certainly not ones she is willing to have help her realize her destructive behavior isn't healthy. It's agonizing that she trusts my dad and I the most, but won't really let us help her at all, or doesn't like to take our word. She'll be seeing the doctor this afternoon, and I can bet any amount of money that she will down-play anything she does remember from the last 48hrs and certainly not mention her attempt to jump from a moving car. She hasn't taken the Methadone now for almost 24hrs but she's still having hallucinations and somehow still believes she is capable of driving. I've made sure the car keys aren't available to her, but all I can say positive about this right now is that she's not being violent. But my dad and I have to go run errands, and she's too out of it to come with us, and it worries me that she'll be by herself for that time, maybe an hour or so. There is literally no one I can call to come sit with her, no family or friend. I hate this darn disease so much.
Hi Akangel,
I agree with geotina. There is a phase of "active dying". I just recently went through this with my dad in March. He was taking morphine and oxycodone for pain. He had esophageal cancer with mets to the liver. He would go off and on for weeks about dying, getting things in order, don't take me back to the hospital, I want to go to the hospital, I am ready to die, I don't want to die yet. Very confused. We took him off of all pain meds, thinking this was why he was acting this way. No...he still continued to be this way. He moaned and croaned, and slept for 2 days and nights. He passed away on March 9, 2010, trying to get out of his chair, falling, and asking us to help him. It is weird, kind of like they know they are going to die, they are ready to, but then they aren't too sure. Dad also would yell and scream at us for the littliest things. Everything was blown out of proportion. I am so glad all of that is over with now. I would get so upset because there was nothing i could do to "fix" it all. The one and only thing I could do was give him my blessing, an answer to his prayers. It is very very hard. Just try your best to keep helping her. In the end, it is her final decision. Keep in touch.
Tina0 -
Oh Angel, I'm so sorry you
Oh Angel, I'm so sorry you have to cope with this. I was just feeling sorry for myself because my mum has been snippy and I can't do anything right - and then I read your story and realized I need to be thankful and more patient and forgiving.
You're really in a tough spot, and saying "this isn't my mom" doesn't help when she's being cruel and hurtful. It does sound like she was already a difficult and independent woman before she got sick, so it makes sense that she's more difficult now that she is dependent on someone.. it must be so hard. I understand the family dynamic too - my father is no help either and doesn't like conflict so he won't say anything.
I agree that setting boundaries to look after yourself is all you can do. If mom won't accept hospice help, and you can't do it yourself (which you can't with that treatment), then tell dad he'll have to look after her himself. Maybe that will get him to convince her to rejoin hospice?
I probably haven't helped at all, but you're not alone.0 -
If only it was that easy..augigi said:Oh Angel, I'm so sorry you
Oh Angel, I'm so sorry you have to cope with this. I was just feeling sorry for myself because my mum has been snippy and I can't do anything right - and then I read your story and realized I need to be thankful and more patient and forgiving.
You're really in a tough spot, and saying "this isn't my mom" doesn't help when she's being cruel and hurtful. It does sound like she was already a difficult and independent woman before she got sick, so it makes sense that she's more difficult now that she is dependent on someone.. it must be so hard. I understand the family dynamic too - my father is no help either and doesn't like conflict so he won't say anything.
I agree that setting boundaries to look after yourself is all you can do. If mom won't accept hospice help, and you can't do it yourself (which you can't with that treatment), then tell dad he'll have to look after her himself. Maybe that will get him to convince her to rejoin hospice?
I probably haven't helped at all, but you're not alone.
Unfortunately, my dad is disabled..he's active and such, but he can't drive, so I have to be here to help my mom. There is no way he could do it alone, and without hospice. I have to constantly defend myself and my emotions to my mother, and yes, lots of that isn't much of a change from before she had cancer. But the taunting she gives me about having emotions, my "boo-hooing" can hurt very badly. I can tell her I'm allowed my feelings but I can't make her acknowledge that I'm allowed to have feelings.
I do know I'm not alone..I am so thankful that I've found support here.0 -
Stages of dying...geotina said:I'm sorry
thank goodness you love your mom and know this is not mom, but disease and medication. I have heard of the hallucinations. At this time would it be more prudent for your mom to be in a hospice facility rather than at home where they could manage her violet outbursts if they continue? If your mom is belittling you maybe it is that she is scared and that is her outlet.
I know there are different phases of "actively dying". I really don't know much about it but it is my understanding that people go through different phases before the end of life. Perhaps you could mention it to hospice out of earshot of everyone else and see if this is where you are at.
Other than the above I don't have anything to offer. Hang in there and just do the best you can, that is all any of us can do.
Tina
I recently watched my grandfather die in hospice, and the first stage was him distancing himself from us. This took the form of nitpicking, bringing up bad memories, etc., but never violence. These outburts could be a form of that first stage maybe with the belittling comments, etc. I know hospice also offers emotional support for the family. That might be a good route to take. Sounds like you need all of the support you can get!0 -
I feel your painAKAngel said:If only...
I hear what you're saying about having an impartial third party to make my mom see the light. Unfortunately, she has always presented a different side of herself to any person outside of my dad and myself. She won't even confront her family members when they upset her, just pretend to them like everything is fine and then as soon as they leave, complain and yell about them to my dad and I. And this was way before this cancer happened. The hospice that she was using had let her know that they had counsellors available to talk to, about anything and she flat refused. She has always felt that any sort of 'therapy' is a weakness, although she seemed ok with me going to see the hospice counsellor about my feelings through this. But now, she signed herself out of hospice, so I can't see him until she gets back on with them...if she chooses to. And as far as friends...she doesn't really have any, and certainly not ones she is willing to have help her realize her destructive behavior isn't healthy. It's agonizing that she trusts my dad and I the most, but won't really let us help her at all, or doesn't like to take our word. She'll be seeing the doctor this afternoon, and I can bet any amount of money that she will down-play anything she does remember from the last 48hrs and certainly not mention her attempt to jump from a moving car. She hasn't taken the Methadone now for almost 24hrs but she's still having hallucinations and somehow still believes she is capable of driving. I've made sure the car keys aren't available to her, but all I can say positive about this right now is that she's not being violent. But my dad and I have to go run errands, and she's too out of it to come with us, and it worries me that she'll be by herself for that time, maybe an hour or so. There is literally no one I can call to come sit with her, no family or friend. I hate this darn disease so much.
My mother is going through similar situations... believes she sees her dead father, believes it is her time to die, will not see a therapist, is kind to strangers but irrational and hurtful towards me and her family. We have all urged her to seek counseling, but she will not because she doesn't think she needs it. She can't see how much everything she does is hurting us. It makes me want to give up and leave.
I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. Hang in there.0 -
Here's a thought...AKAngel said:If only it was that easy..
Unfortunately, my dad is disabled..he's active and such, but he can't drive, so I have to be here to help my mom. There is no way he could do it alone, and without hospice. I have to constantly defend myself and my emotions to my mother, and yes, lots of that isn't much of a change from before she had cancer. But the taunting she gives me about having emotions, my "boo-hooing" can hurt very badly. I can tell her I'm allowed my feelings but I can't make her acknowledge that I'm allowed to have feelings.
I do know I'm not alone..I am so thankful that I've found support here.
It sounds like you're in an incredibly difficult situation with many parameters that seem insurmountable... but here's a thought. When my grandfather was dying in hospice, he was moved from the hospital to the nursing home. There they took care of him 24/7, and my grandmother and my family and I could come visit him daily if need be, but he did not rely on us for care. It was a huge weight off everyone's shoulders. Would your mother be eligible for care through a nursing home arrangement?0 -
ViolenceAKAngel said:If only it was that easy..
Unfortunately, my dad is disabled..he's active and such, but he can't drive, so I have to be here to help my mom. There is no way he could do it alone, and without hospice. I have to constantly defend myself and my emotions to my mother, and yes, lots of that isn't much of a change from before she had cancer. But the taunting she gives me about having emotions, my "boo-hooing" can hurt very badly. I can tell her I'm allowed my feelings but I can't make her acknowledge that I'm allowed to have feelings.
I do know I'm not alone..I am so thankful that I've found support here.
I am so sorry about what you are going through but like what others have said, it is not your Mom, it is the vile, nasty disease of cancer. My significant other just passed in Februrary and he was the same way the last few weeks. He even swung at me. You don't want to put yourself in danger but at least know it's nothing that you have done wrong or anything she means to do. It does emotionally hurt but try to keep that in mind during these last stages.0 -
Compassion for yourselfAKAngel said:If only it was that easy..
Unfortunately, my dad is disabled..he's active and such, but he can't drive, so I have to be here to help my mom. There is no way he could do it alone, and without hospice. I have to constantly defend myself and my emotions to my mother, and yes, lots of that isn't much of a change from before she had cancer. But the taunting she gives me about having emotions, my "boo-hooing" can hurt very badly. I can tell her I'm allowed my feelings but I can't make her acknowledge that I'm allowed to have feelings.
I do know I'm not alone..I am so thankful that I've found support here.
As a former caregiver, 10 years removed from the situation, here goes. There is a book called When Bad Things Happen to Good People, by a doctor named Kubler-Ross. It was the spiritual guide for me. It follows Job as he goes throug his trials and all the neighbors come up with the standard religious answers to trials in life, "God's will, you must have done something to cause this trial or we never know the tapestry God creates or the best best one God never gives you more than you can handle." All these things become weak at some point in the journey. Kubler-Ross's answer was don't try to figure out why, simply figure out how to find the strenght to handle. Look for your strenght where ever you can get it. Look to every resource you can find. Take moments for yourself when you can. It's tough. Sometimes I'd watch the river we lived on at 3 a.m. simply to support myself. I needed a connection with the divine. It saved me.0
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