Trying to adjust to the ups and downs

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silverspruce
silverspruce Member Posts: 1
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
This is my first post. I am caring for my 90yr old mother who has carcinoid syndrome, which is turning out to be only one of her many debilitating symptoms. She still lives at home and does most of her own care on her good days. My brother lives nearby and helps several times a week. I live next door. I work full time and usually provide meals at night. I call her and check in during the day and physically check in the evenings. Her carcinoid tumors are a slowly progressive disease, with increasing disabilities. She also has a severely scared colon from years of diverticulous. Now she can no longer eat meat of any kind and no fiber, so her diet has become very limited. She has chosen not to talk about the cancer because she says it's too hard to stay hopeful and enjoy life. An enjoy life is what she appears to be doing, at least on her good days. She has become house bound leaving only for monthly doctor's appointments. Pain has not been a huge concern yet. I am feeling selfish for asking for help for myself to adjust to her more and more frequent ups and downs. I wish there was something I could read that would give me ideas for better ways to see and accept what is happening. Mom's increasing need for support from me is putting a strain on my marriage, and I having having a hard time finding a balance between wanting to be there for mom and needing to be there for my husband as well.

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  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #2
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    Caregiving
    Caregiving is hard, and ups and downs seem to go with the territory. I don't have any words of wisdom but can offer some observations. My mother is 91 and is living with my sister. She had been living with me until my husband went on hospice and then passed away. I made the very difficult decision not to continue caring for my mom. My sister has decided to keep her with her rather than place her in a care facility. This is proving to be a strain on her marriage. My mother has been recently diagnosed with dementia. We knew she was failing for some time. I will tell you the same thing I have told my sister. Take care of yourself and your marriage. That may sound a little selfish, but it isn't. You can't care for your mom if you don't care for yourself. Get the help you need. You might want to contact hospice. They can offer suggestions to support both you and your mom. You really can't do it all. You do need help. It sounds like you brother is willing to offer some of that help, but you still have the day to day responsibilities. It may be time to bring in outside home health providers. Check out your options. I hope some of this helps. Take care, Fay
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #3
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    something to read
    I take care of my elderly mother, too, only it's a long distance commute so I'm in and out. My brothers look after things when I'm not there. It is so strange to see Mom getting smaller and smaller, but that's the best way I can describe it. Like your mother, cancer may be my mother's main problem, but it's not the only one.

    It helped me a lot to read Maggie Callahan's books on the death process, especially Final Gifts. Perhaps the stories there could help your husband understand, too? The final pilgrimage should not be a lonely road. It is right that your mother's children should help guide her steps.

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