My husband is my best friend....but since this IDC stage i grade III cancer he seems weird at times
doing a sonogram on my lymph, cuz they look a little different, the they look the same on both sides and MRI shows small 1.3cm tumor only on one side, it is not worried, he just wants to look before surgery. How long will i be out of work with a lumpectomy with a few lymph removed?
Comments
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normal behavior
The dreaded "C" word. A lot of people will tell you they can imagine what you are going through, but no, they cannot unless they have walked in your shoes. Every relationship in your life will be tested, whether it be with your spouse, friends, relgion and anything/everything you ever held sacred. But it will get better, you will meet a lot of "angels" during your journey. Take 1 day at a time , ask lots of questions even though it sounds stupid, be an informed patient and dont be backed into corner. You dont have to make any decisions immediately, it can wait until tomorrow and when in doubt, get a second opinion.
As far as lumpectomy recovery time, 3 to 4 wks0 -
It's very hard on them -
It's very hard on them - some harder than others. Emotionally, it (IBC) has been harder on Sandy (Hubby) than me. He had lost his Mother at 9 to cervical cancer - then his wife of 33 yrs (who has never been sick more than a cold) has a nasty/aggressive breast cancer. He has been to 1 Dr appt with me - all others and all the chemo and rads, I've gone to myself. When my port was put in, he left to go to the barn to feed the horses as soon as they stared the pre-surgery drugs and was called to come pick me up when I was ready to leave. When I had surgery, he and Son were there til I went to recovery and then left (they actually went to the Humane Society and he found a Black and Tan **** Hound which he'd been hunting for since his last dog died [that was good]) and came back when I was in my room. When I need him (and Son) he/they are there for me - they have basically taken care of my/our horses all winter (which is nasty in Western SD) Been there/Done that with what needed - there have been some grumbles at times. He has been told 'everything' but I have picked the times I told him early on.
Remember that while our bodies are being wracked with 'it' - our loved ones are being wracked with what they see "it" doing to us AND they cannot do anything to prevent it. We're all different with different needs but remember that our loved ones have needs to and it's often harder for them to express what they are really feeling.0 -
communicationRague said:It's very hard on them -
It's very hard on them - some harder than others. Emotionally, it (IBC) has been harder on Sandy (Hubby) than me. He had lost his Mother at 9 to cervical cancer - then his wife of 33 yrs (who has never been sick more than a cold) has a nasty/aggressive breast cancer. He has been to 1 Dr appt with me - all others and all the chemo and rads, I've gone to myself. When my port was put in, he left to go to the barn to feed the horses as soon as they stared the pre-surgery drugs and was called to come pick me up when I was ready to leave. When I had surgery, he and Son were there til I went to recovery and then left (they actually went to the Humane Society and he found a Black and Tan **** Hound which he'd been hunting for since his last dog died [that was good]) and came back when I was in my room. When I need him (and Son) he/they are there for me - they have basically taken care of my/our horses all winter (which is nasty in Western SD) Been there/Done that with what needed - there have been some grumbles at times. He has been told 'everything' but I have picked the times I told him early on.
Remember that while our bodies are being wracked with 'it' - our loved ones are being wracked with what they see "it" doing to us AND they cannot do anything to prevent it. We're all different with different needs but remember that our loved ones have needs to and it's often harder for them to express what they are really feeling.
I agree with everything the other posts have said. However,I am a big proponent of open communication (pick the time, place, and tone carefully). If you feel your spouse is not supportive enough, tell him. If you wonder why he seems to avoid the issue, ask him. Chances are he is as scared as you are and does not know how to deal with it. You need to support each other in this. Don't assume he knows what you need and don't assume you know what he needs....ask! It may be useful to get in touch with a support group through your Dr. or American Cancer Society in your area.
Best wishes to you both, seof0 -
He needs help tooseof said:communication
I agree with everything the other posts have said. However,I am a big proponent of open communication (pick the time, place, and tone carefully). If you feel your spouse is not supportive enough, tell him. If you wonder why he seems to avoid the issue, ask him. Chances are he is as scared as you are and does not know how to deal with it. You need to support each other in this. Don't assume he knows what you need and don't assume you know what he needs....ask! It may be useful to get in touch with a support group through your Dr. or American Cancer Society in your area.
Best wishes to you both, seof
You are upset and feels scared too.Breast cancer is a tough for relationships and marriage and you both need to have on open discussion about diagnosis, prognosis and how you are going to help each other to get through. Ask your oncologist for counseling.
I would suggest to stay positive keeping normal lifestyle as long as you can. If you used to make breakfast every Saturday, push yourself to do it if you physically can.
Good Luck,
New flower0 -
Website
How our spouses handle our diagnosis is as varied as how we handle it. It does seem that some coping strategies are more hurtful than helpful. I agree w/the comment about open communication, though you definitely need to consider time/place and circumstance. I found this website in one of the many brochures i received after my diagnosis. I shared it with my husband, though don't know if he really spent any time there. Seems like a good site for men to go to find out how they support their women in their battle against bc.
http://www.menagainstbreastcancer.org/about/
Blessings...
Julie0 -
I totally understand. Myjbug said:Website
How our spouses handle our diagnosis is as varied as how we handle it. It does seem that some coping strategies are more hurtful than helpful. I agree w/the comment about open communication, though you definitely need to consider time/place and circumstance. I found this website in one of the many brochures i received after my diagnosis. I shared it with my husband, though don't know if he really spent any time there. Seems like a good site for men to go to find out how they support their women in their battle against bc.
http://www.menagainstbreastcancer.org/about/
Blessings...
Julie
I totally understand. My husband is like "Do you have to always talk about it" or " You are a littel obsessed- you need to chill". Then last night we were at dinner and I said something about only having one more weekend to enjoy myself - I was just refering to my upcoming BLM w Diep and he was like "Give me a break your not going to die" and I said no but things will be different for a long while and then there is treatment still to come... I wonder if he actually thinks I am going to have this surgery and then a few weeks later things will just go back to normal. Things will never be the same. We own a commercial construction bussiness and I do all the payrol and accounting. He was like " take 2 weeks to get better because I need you at the shop even if its just a few hours a night on the computer" REALLY! Does he really think I am going to be able to do that!!! Its like he thinks I can take 2 weeks off and then be back to normal. I have IDC with 3 tumors one being 3.5 cm and not sure of the node status.
I have a feeling its going to be more like months not weeks...0 -
He needs to chillTulsaMomof3 said:I totally understand. My
I totally understand. My husband is like "Do you have to always talk about it" or " You are a littel obsessed- you need to chill". Then last night we were at dinner and I said something about only having one more weekend to enjoy myself - I was just refering to my upcoming BLM w Diep and he was like "Give me a break your not going to die" and I said no but things will be different for a long while and then there is treatment still to come... I wonder if he actually thinks I am going to have this surgery and then a few weeks later things will just go back to normal. Things will never be the same. We own a commercial construction bussiness and I do all the payrol and accounting. He was like " take 2 weeks to get better because I need you at the shop even if its just a few hours a night on the computer" REALLY! Does he really think I am going to be able to do that!!! Its like he thinks I can take 2 weeks off and then be back to normal. I have IDC with 3 tumors one being 3.5 cm and not sure of the node status.
I have a feeling its going to be more like months not weeks...
Maybe he needs someone else -- onc or nurse or other survivor? -- to inform him of the realities of your situation. You may or may not be able to work that soon. He must not push you.
That being said, I was surprised how soon I could get back to typing and billing, which I do from home for my husband's business. Since I "just" have to sit, I found I can keep up. (Housework is another matter ...) I find it satisfying to do my work. Husband did have his receptionist do the typing right after my surgery.
I hope you have more sympathetic people in your life to listen when you need to talk. No one -- husband, mother, friend -- can fill every emotional need we have. Some people prove to be limited, even dear spouses. Yours sounds scared, frankly, and in denial.
Another thought: Since my husband is unsure of how I feel from day to day, he refrains from initiating sex. He becomes more removed, emotionally. So, when I make the advances, it's like a wall breaks down between us and he is reassured about both my condition and our marriage.0 -
I think thats it, I think heChristine Louise said:He needs to chill
Maybe he needs someone else -- onc or nurse or other survivor? -- to inform him of the realities of your situation. You may or may not be able to work that soon. He must not push you.
That being said, I was surprised how soon I could get back to typing and billing, which I do from home for my husband's business. Since I "just" have to sit, I found I can keep up. (Housework is another matter ...) I find it satisfying to do my work. Husband did have his receptionist do the typing right after my surgery.
I hope you have more sympathetic people in your life to listen when you need to talk. No one -- husband, mother, friend -- can fill every emotional need we have. Some people prove to be limited, even dear spouses. Yours sounds scared, frankly, and in denial.
Another thought: Since my husband is unsure of how I feel from day to day, he refrains from initiating sex. He becomes more removed, emotionally. So, when I make the advances, it's like a wall breaks down between us and he is reassured about both my condition and our marriage.
I think thats it, I think he is in denial. Since currently I look the same, and don't feel sick. I don't think he has grasped the severity of the situation.He hasn't been able to go to many of my appointemtns due to work. We have been married for 19 years and I think he just thinks this will be like anything elae. "Mom never gets sick and when she does- she just manages to keep going about the regular routine."
This Tuesday I have the final appointment with the surgeon and plasic surgeon before surgery. I have insisted he go - maybe then he will get it0 -
Yes, he must goTulsaMomof3 said:I think thats it, I think he
I think thats it, I think he is in denial. Since currently I look the same, and don't feel sick. I don't think he has grasped the severity of the situation.He hasn't been able to go to many of my appointemtns due to work. We have been married for 19 years and I think he just thinks this will be like anything elae. "Mom never gets sick and when she does- she just manages to keep going about the regular routine."
This Tuesday I have the final appointment with the surgeon and plasic surgeon before surgery. I have insisted he go - maybe then he will get it
That'll definitely wise him up to the reality. It will be very helpful, I'm sure. Good luck with your appointment and everything!0 -
My Husband Is the Same Way
When I was going through treatment he was AWFUL! Especially when I had to ask him for help. I never ask for help and it was hard for me to ask, then he would say something nasty. I was so crushed. All the while I was still trying to take care of him, make his meals and keep the house. But after going through the ups and downs of the past 3 years with my health issues, I figured it out. I am his world. When I am here taking care of him, he is happy and his world is complete. He loves me so much that he can't even begin to allow himself to think of the possibility that he might have to live without me. When I ask for help, or tell him about a pain or something, he gets upset because he is seeing vulnerability (which I never show) and it scares him. Men are a lot like children. When something scares them and they can't articulate that, they act out.0 -
Communication--I agreeseof said:communication
I agree with everything the other posts have said. However,I am a big proponent of open communication (pick the time, place, and tone carefully). If you feel your spouse is not supportive enough, tell him. If you wonder why he seems to avoid the issue, ask him. Chances are he is as scared as you are and does not know how to deal with it. You need to support each other in this. Don't assume he knows what you need and don't assume you know what he needs....ask! It may be useful to get in touch with a support group through your Dr. or American Cancer Society in your area.
Best wishes to you both, seof
I have picked those times, place and tone because my lovely hubby seemed unaware of what I was enduring--this was during phase one of chemo (A/C)... since then he is more understanding... and we both came through this well...0 -
Hubby Being there for the most part
I requested my hubby be at important appointments... with doctors... anything else that he would just have to "sit and wait" for me I indicated he didn't need to be there... I understood he needed to be at work and I had friends that were there to help... He did come to one chemo treatment--it was good for him to see what I went through and he did give up a morning which he was off...
Meals were brought to us on the weekends I had A/C... when I went to Taxol, I was able to do simple meals or we went to Blimpy's or something like that...
Communication is key... when hubby seem to "not get" why I wasn't in the mood to do a meal or go somewhere... I explained why as gently as I could...
Remember hubby's are going through this differently, they see you suffering and don't know what to do... encourage him to talk with his friends/co-workers... they can encourage him and he doesn't hold it inside... he too needs to talk about it...0 -
You Will Get Through!
Hey Go Blue - I think you have a right to complain on this! You are going through a life changing experience. It should have some effect on your outlook and mood. And you should be able to find support and understanding from the people closest to you. That would be a perfect world. All of us want to live in a perfect world; you, and your husband. Your world, and his, are not perfect anymore. It sucks for sure. But hopefully you both will find a way through this. He needs to realize what your reality is, and you need to realize what his reality is. (Reality can suck too!) But you will get through this, and so will he. And it sucks doubly that you will need to bend to his reality, when you most need comfort and support.
I am pretty sure your bc has scared the livin' bejezus out out of him. What would you be thinking if he had come to you with the "Big-C?" You both are going through the wringer, but probably different wringers. I don't know your boyfriend, and I don't know you, but I do know that news like this has a profound affect on people. I remember telling my "close" people the news. I tried to be all big and strong. I could get through all this, and I will. But somewhere along the way you will need someone to say "it will be allright". Apparantly your husband doesn't feel like everything will "be allright." He is having issues with your being ill. And he may not feel like it is okay for him to have those "issues". You got one of those MEN that have a hard time connecting happenings to actions. (i.e. my wife is ill, and I should take a certain action.) Or else he is just a self centered egomaniac that just doesn't give a poop about anything but his own well being. That is your call to make. No matter what your call, you can depend on the sisters here to give you support and comfort the best we can. But we cannot substitute for your husband.
You didn't cook breakfast, and that is an okay issue for an arguement? Sorry, but if I don't feel like cooking breakfast - it just doesn't get cooked. I am not a B**** about it, but sorry, I am trying to battle cancer, and if I don't feel the energy to jump up and cook breakfast - the world around me will live with that. I might crawl out to fridge and grab a yogurt, but hey - feeding capable people who can get their own breakfast isn't going to bring me off my sick bed. If anything, they should be asking me what I might need. And fortunately I have people around me that feel the same way. Sorry, but your husband doesn't sound very supportive in your life. Or else he is battling demons of his own about it.
I feel very sad about your predicament. You deserve to have loving and supportive people close to your in this journey. You didn't say what your dx was. Will you have to go through chemo? Radiation? Mastectomy or lumpectomy? Do you have other family close?
Sure, people get "undies in a bundle" when someone has cancer. I used to also. But the ability to adapt to changing situations is a sign of maturity. (NOT GETTING OLD - Maturity!) You both will need to adapt to a changing situation. The journey can be full of unexpected turns and twists. If you both are going to make it through, you both have to get on the same path. It won't be your path, and it won't be his path, it will be a path you both choose. You won't find it without him, and he won't find the path without you. You have to find this path together. Geeze, ain't I corny sometimes!
GoBlue, I wish you all the best. My heart goes out to you, I also know how devastating it can be to have your husband ignore your needs. Just hang in there Blue Girl! Keep on a' posting to this discussion. You will get through.
Hugs - Sharon0 -
Men are just oddFlakey_Flake said:You Will Get Through!
Hey Go Blue - I think you have a right to complain on this! You are going through a life changing experience. It should have some effect on your outlook and mood. And you should be able to find support and understanding from the people closest to you. That would be a perfect world. All of us want to live in a perfect world; you, and your husband. Your world, and his, are not perfect anymore. It sucks for sure. But hopefully you both will find a way through this. He needs to realize what your reality is, and you need to realize what his reality is. (Reality can suck too!) But you will get through this, and so will he. And it sucks doubly that you will need to bend to his reality, when you most need comfort and support.
I am pretty sure your bc has scared the livin' bejezus out out of him. What would you be thinking if he had come to you with the "Big-C?" You both are going through the wringer, but probably different wringers. I don't know your boyfriend, and I don't know you, but I do know that news like this has a profound affect on people. I remember telling my "close" people the news. I tried to be all big and strong. I could get through all this, and I will. But somewhere along the way you will need someone to say "it will be allright". Apparantly your husband doesn't feel like everything will "be allright." He is having issues with your being ill. And he may not feel like it is okay for him to have those "issues". You got one of those MEN that have a hard time connecting happenings to actions. (i.e. my wife is ill, and I should take a certain action.) Or else he is just a self centered egomaniac that just doesn't give a poop about anything but his own well being. That is your call to make. No matter what your call, you can depend on the sisters here to give you support and comfort the best we can. But we cannot substitute for your husband.
You didn't cook breakfast, and that is an okay issue for an arguement? Sorry, but if I don't feel like cooking breakfast - it just doesn't get cooked. I am not a B**** about it, but sorry, I am trying to battle cancer, and if I don't feel the energy to jump up and cook breakfast - the world around me will live with that. I might crawl out to fridge and grab a yogurt, but hey - feeding capable people who can get their own breakfast isn't going to bring me off my sick bed. If anything, they should be asking me what I might need. And fortunately I have people around me that feel the same way. Sorry, but your husband doesn't sound very supportive in your life. Or else he is battling demons of his own about it.
I feel very sad about your predicament. You deserve to have loving and supportive people close to your in this journey. You didn't say what your dx was. Will you have to go through chemo? Radiation? Mastectomy or lumpectomy? Do you have other family close?
Sure, people get "undies in a bundle" when someone has cancer. I used to also. But the ability to adapt to changing situations is a sign of maturity. (NOT GETTING OLD - Maturity!) You both will need to adapt to a changing situation. The journey can be full of unexpected turns and twists. If you both are going to make it through, you both have to get on the same path. It won't be your path, and it won't be his path, it will be a path you both choose. You won't find it without him, and he won't find the path without you. You have to find this path together. Geeze, ain't I corny sometimes!
GoBlue, I wish you all the best. My heart goes out to you, I also know how devastating it can be to have your husband ignore your needs. Just hang in there Blue Girl! Keep on a' posting to this discussion. You will get through.
Hugs - Sharon
I ran into that, too. A total disconnect between what was going on with me and what his responses were. He came to the important doctor appointments, but because he'd never read the books, he'd ask questions I knew the answer to. Grrr...
He prefers denial. Unless I need something, I let him live there.
Victoria0
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