finally cracked and cried

dottie68

I have been so good for so long, but knew I needed to cry.
Wanted to but couldn't. Then I had to get a blouse in the bedroom and went in there without a bra on, my husband siad wow to me, and I told him to get a good look,
because he would not see them again, because I would not let him see me, even tho I am only having mast on the right.
I just busted out crying, of course he held me and said great things, but I needed the cry. he did make me feel better. He is wonderful.
Now I can't sleep, even tho, I am wore out. It is 3 am, tired as I don't know what, but can't sleep, thoughts keep going in my head.

I guess I am mad at myself because, for the last 4 years I have been getting my mamogram, they always said they saw something, then sent me to ultra sound, well it didn't see anything,
So I believed them. I know I should have said if ithe mamagram sees something, lets look farther.
Now 4 weeks ago, my right breast started bleeding from the nipple, ran right away to get a mamagram, this time I saw the mamagram, and I definitly saw it. Had a ultrasound, and same thing it didn't see anything. But I guess when I started bleeding while I was having the mamagram, they knew something was there.
Went to a surgeon, told me I was a good candidate for lump, had that, plus a nole removed, no cancer in the nole.
Went back to have drain taken out, was told it was in ducts and had to have mast. so on April 22 will have the mastectomy. I guess i should have opted for the mast first, but didn't fully understand. Think also the Dr, should have known since I was bleeding from the nipple.
Well know I am rambling had to get this off my chest.
I love this site, because I have learned so much. The doctor doesn't tell you much. And when He told me it was cancer, I went to another place, I sure wasn't in his office.
Dottie

Youcandothis

Did you good
We all carry around wudda cudda shudda loads. My sister got elbowed by her 6 year old and found blood in her bra that night. Had a lumpectomy a week later and they couldn't get clean margins, had the mast a week later. Cudda been worse if not for the elbow. I shudda not put off mammo, maybe wudda had no chemo... I bet everyone here has a story. Cry, you deserve it and you'll come out stronger. Sounds like you have a great hubby, lean on him and let him help you through this. God bless!

aztec45

It's OK
It's alright to shed tears. You have been through a lot and it is quite a bit to deal with. It all happens so fast that you don't have time to react and then it all rushes out of you at some crazy instance. You need to release that every now and then.

I don't know why things happen the way they do. You don't see it, then you do, then it is worse than you thought. I get mad too when I think back to it all. But life is too short and you need all your strength on your recovery. Try to move forward and not dwell on the would of, could of, should of. You can't change it but you can impact your future.

P

Sharon40

hope you're feeling better today
I hope you are feeling better today. Sometimes those good cries help more than you think! Sounds like you have a great support system and that means so much! I had left mast in Jan after trying 2 lump (bummer they couldn't get it all, but I'm ok with it now). You will be surprised to know that you really do get used to it! Good luck with your treatments.