destressed daugter

chulitalady

Hi. This is the first time on this network. I've read all of ur support and trial.My dad was diagnosis with tongue Cancer stage three and had spread to the neck. On July 2009, my father had two Massive Heart Attacks and was in a Coma for days. I arrived upon being notified, by that time I arrived to bedside he was awake but was unaware where he was. Two months later my dad was diagnosised with Vascular and Alcohol Dementia. He was placed in a nursing home. Two weeks later I was called to discuss a new situation was told about my dad disease and his journey through this obstacle. I was in shock and mad at the same time. I remember that day as if it was yesterday. He went through the chemo and radiation treatment.He is not a candidate for surgery due to the aggressive disformation in his face and the lack of mental state he was in, Plus the two massive heart attacks. I was place as his health proxy, through this ordeal I still question God and my faith. I even question myself why I'm helping a person who gave his back to his children due to the bottle. I don't even know if it's wrong to think this way, but I do. On Feb, 2010 he was done with treatment and apparently, the treatment was a sucess. Apparently, as I say two months later, I recieved a call from the oncologist explaining that they found a firm mass again at the base of the tongue. He would have to go to do a pet scan and will follow up in two weeks. I thought I won the battle, yet the battle is winning him and my strength.I wish I can do something turn the time and do something for him. However, everyday I pray and beg to have strenght and never stop have some tiype of faith. I need an advise. By the way, my brother won't discuss or support me emotionally through this issue and my mom only says, whatever u decide I support.

Barbara53

keeping the faith
What a huge burden you are carrying! My stepdaughter did a similar thing when her father (my former husband) was failing while living a marginal existence, having estranged everyone in his life. It was an ugly, thankless job, but she did it BECAUSE of her faith. Honor thy father and mother, and your days will be long upon this earth. Plain and simple, with no qualifications that the father be a good one.

This is all terribly hard, but perhaps it’s a form of forgiveness in action that will make the rest of your life more peaceful. One suggestion. Your brother may not be able to support your father, but perhaps he can support you. If you need him to help you survive this ordeal, call him. In the long run, anything he does to help you will help him, too.

Tina Blondek

So sorry to hear that you
So sorry to hear that you are having such a hard hard time lately. You have come to the right place. Here you can vent all you want. And I will guarantee you that you will feel better when you are done. Keeping all of these emotions shoved down inside of you is not good. Please keep a strong faith and do remember to honor thy mother and father. Your father needs you now. You have to put everything that has happened in the past go. Live for today, and look forward to the future. As far as your brother, some siblings deal with these situations differently. I am sure if you ask him for help for yourself, he will. Keep us updated. Prayers go out to you and your dad. You do not want to go through the guilt of saying...I should have, I could have, because you will and you are doing the best you can do.
Tina (a caregiver to my dad, Ray, who passed away 3/10/09 from liver cancer)

grandmafay

Difficult
I am sorry you are in such a difficult position. Sadly, caring for a cancer patient is often a real roller coaster ride. When you add dementia to the mix, I'm sure that really makes it extra tough. Also, being the person who has to make decisions is a big burden. Now, I'll tell you a couple of my rules for caregivers. These are rules I set for myself and may only apply to me, but they helped while I was caring for my husband. Number 1: take care of yourself. You can't take care of others unless you take care of yourself. Number 2: do the best you can at the time. We all make mistakes because we are human. Just do your best. Often there is no one right answer. Trust yourself. Number 3: Pray often and leave the things you can't change to God. Number 4: Don't be afraid to ask for help. Be specific. Tell the person what you need them to do. Finally, it's not really a rule, but you are entitled to your feelings whatever they are. Also, you are not alone in this battle. Many here have shared your feelings. Vent when you need to. Take care, Fay

chulitalady

grandmafay said:

Difficult
I am sorry you are in such a difficult position. Sadly, caring for a cancer patient is often a real roller coaster ride. When you add dementia to the mix, I'm sure that really makes it extra tough. Also, being the person who has to make decisions is a big burden. Now, I'll tell you a couple of my rules for caregivers. These are rules I set for myself and may only apply to me, but they helped while I was caring for my husband. Number 1: take care of yourself. You can't take care of others unless you take care of yourself. Number 2: do the best you can at the time. We all make mistakes because we are human. Just do your best. Often there is no one right answer. Trust yourself. Number 3: Pray often and leave the things you can't change to God. Number 4: Don't be afraid to ask for help. Be specific. Tell the person what you need them to do. Finally, it's not really a rule, but you are entitled to your feelings whatever they are. Also, you are not alone in this battle. Many here have shared your feelings. Vent when you need to. Take care, Fay

Thank you for ur good
Thank you for ur good advice. I try to take care of myself before anyone, but sometimes is hard to do. Lately, I feel overwhelm and stressed. I always give a prayer to my dad and ask god for guidness and strenght. I hope I be heard by him.Right or Wrong answer is the most deficcult part, becuase the family always like give criticism when they don't make the final decision..

crovn

Faith
I understand about losing strength and faith. About 10 months ago my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer and it crushed me. For awhile I almost completely lost my faith in God. I felt like he has abandoned me when I needed Him most. You are not alone with that feeling. I am still kind of struggling, but I will tell you that God loves a consistant prayer. Keep praying for the strength, and I will be praying for you.

My sister hasn't really been for me either, and we never talk about what I feel or what she feels. It leaves me basically feeling alone, and I bet that is kind of what you feel too.

I am here if you need to talk, you are not alone.

Courtney