I Am Pretty Sure It Is Back

cancer survivor x 4

Good Morning,
I started having rectal pressure and could not move my bowels about a month ago. Some rectal pain. CA-125 went from 5 to 7 in 2 monthes. Had a check-up with ob/gyn oncologist. He said everything checked out fine. Just this week I have been very tired with no energy. Have been sleeping alot. Still have rectal pressure and a pain in my side. This morning, I feel awful and I am sick to my stomach and do not want to eat anything. I have a CT scan at 10:00 tomorrow morning. I was a Stage 2B and I will not be in a year's remission until June 2010. I am very worried and just sick of all of this. I have won my battle with breast cancer 3 times, but this ovarian cancer might be the one I lost. I watched my mother die of ovarian cancer. She was only 53. I just feel so sick. Sorry, to ruin anyone's day. My poor husband. He has been so suupportive and I feel like I am letting him down. I feel like such a loser. Who has cancer 4 times? Thank-You for letting me say this stuff. I just need to write my feelings down. Paula

mopar

SENDING PRAYERS, PAULA
I really hear your sadness this morning, but mostly fear. I've heard it said that FEAR is 'False Eexpectations Appearing Real'. And when you let it, it can grip you and steal your every living moment. There's no doubt that as humans we can expect these feelings throughout our life. It's normal and totally expected in situations such as yours. But I would step back and put your focus elsewhere. IF, and that's a big IF, there is something you will need to deal with, you will deal with it when you get there. Right now, do what you can for yourself from day to day, moment to moment to let go of the fear and anxiety and live in the moment. For me, that means prayer, trust the Lord, and 'living in the moment' with my family, enjoying my grandchildren and everyone else around me.

If you haven't had a colonoscopy lately (the last 3 years), it would be a good idea to ask your doctor to schedule one. If nothing else, it's really important to have one anyway, and it may put your mind at ease.

As for 'letting anyone down', I used to feel the same way and sometimes still do. So many people rely on me, and so when I got sick I felt as though I was 'disappointing' everyone because they were so used to me always being healthy and always being there. But I realized that we only have so much control over the things that happen in our lives. And it's a huge burden to feel responsible for something like this. I'm so happy to hear that you have a loving, supportive husband, as do I. I'm sure he'll continue to walk through this with you, right at your side.

Take care, Paula. And take comfort in all the wonderful stories here of survival, inspiration because you are NOT a LOSER! Sending lots of prayers and hugs your way. Please keep us informed.

((((HUGS))))
Monika

Cindy Bear

Not a loser
Please don't talk that way. You are not a loser. You aren't letting anybody down. The fact that you've bravely battled cancer several times before means you are an incredibly strong warrior. It is what it is. Cancer happens to good people all the time. It's not a punishment, no one deserves it. It's a cruel horrible disease. I was caretaker to my mom (uterine cancer) and not a day goes by that I don't think about cancer. Will I get it, what is that pain, could it be cancer and so on and so on. I am not going to tell you not to worry because I know that's easier said then done. Try to relax and get some rest. You can't do anything until you get the test results from the CT Scan.If it is back, and that's a big If, then you'll figure out a plan. The fact that your ob/gyn oncologist said that everything checked out fine and a 2 pt incr. in CA-125 doesn't seem too signifigant, should be some comfort. Is it possible you just picked up a bug? and as far as the rectal pain/pressure.. probably alot of things could cause that.
Good luck tomorrow. I'll be thinking about you.

zinaida

Hello, Paula and Monika! I
Hello, Paula and Monika! I was dz with breast cancer stage 1 and ovarian cancer stage 2C february,2007. My mom died from ovarian cancer July,2006 in Ukraine 6 month before i was dz.I was taking care of her for two month. Dear Paula! I had same filings like you. And you Monika, did post very good respond. About "IF". In september my ca-125 start to rise - from 9 to 16 in october, 19 in november. CT scan was clear december 5. I did go for second opinion to another clinic december 29. New doctor did ca-125 test again, it is come back 600th.She order PET/CT scan,5 spots did light up in pelvic area, surgery cannot be done. To many spots.I am on my #5 chimo. Spots gone after chimo #3, ca-125 24,4.
We do have intuition and we know ours body. Dear Paula! I hope this "IF" for you -your cancer did not come back. And it is only fears.I hope CT scan will be clear. But trust your intuition, if you not filing good, and CT scan clear and ca-125 elevaited ask doctor for PET/CT scan. I wish you the best. Be strong. We are fighters. Forgive me my bad english. Love, Zina.

Lisa13Q

Dear Paula
Dear Paula,

I just read your post and want to first say please drop the Loser thing. Cancer comes back and it has nothing to do with being a loser. You are a total survivor and inspiration. Yes, this horrid disease returns and then we treat it. I am sooo sorry it may be back but I know you have the strength and courage to fight it back once again... It must be scary when your Mom passed from it, but these days they have amazing new drugs and protocols...and can do remarkable things. It's still scary and I will pray for you to gain hope. Good luck tomorrow with your CT scan. Please keep us posted. PS You are a big winner in my book..

Hissy_Fitz

Paula, I understand about
Paula, I understand about being everyone's go-to person. I am that person, too. I am a "fixer" - the person in my family who takes care of everyone else. And like you, my diagnosis left me feeling depressed and miserable - like I was letting everyone down.

But I realized, eventually, that cancer or no cancer, I won't live forever and these people (my family) will have to learn how to take care of themselves, sooner or later. They might as well start now. So I've been slowly letting go, and pushing a lot of responsibility for a lot of things back onto the people who should have been shouldering it in the first place.

About the cancer......don't go borrowing trouble. A two point increase in your CA 125 could be anything. When it jumps up above normal, you can start to worry, but only a little bit. Doctors dismiss anything except a clear pattern of CA 125 increase and so should you.

Likewise, the constipation could be totally unrelated to the cancer. If Miralax doesn't help, see a GI doctor and have him take a look via colonoscopy. Be proactive....don't take this lying down. Don't let the cancer ruin your quality of life.

Your fatigue may actually be depression, and Lord knows, you have a right to be depressed, but it's not good for you. It's like a black hole that sucks you down and swallows you whole.

You were diagnosed at stage II B.......that alone gives you a huge advantage. I am a worrier, too. And I always want to know what's going on. I tell my doctor not to pull any punches with me. But again, don't borrow trouble. Don't assume the worst - go and find out.

You are in my prayers and thoughts....
Carlene

nancy591

Hissy_Fitz said:

Paula, I understand about
Paula, I understand about being everyone's go-to person. I am that person, too. I am a "fixer" - the person in my family who takes care of everyone else. And like you, my diagnosis left me feeling depressed and miserable - like I was letting everyone down.

But I realized, eventually, that cancer or no cancer, I won't live forever and these people (my family) will have to learn how to take care of themselves, sooner or later. They might as well start now. So I've been slowly letting go, and pushing a lot of responsibility for a lot of things back onto the people who should have been shouldering it in the first place.

About the cancer......don't go borrowing trouble. A two point increase in your CA 125 could be anything. When it jumps up above normal, you can start to worry, but only a little bit. Doctors dismiss anything except a clear pattern of CA 125 increase and so should you.

Likewise, the constipation could be totally unrelated to the cancer. If Miralax doesn't help, see a GI doctor and have him take a look via colonoscopy. Be proactive....don't take this lying down. Don't let the cancer ruin your quality of life.

Your fatigue may actually be depression, and Lord knows, you have a right to be depressed, but it's not good for you. It's like a black hole that sucks you down and swallows you whole.

You were diagnosed at stage II B.......that alone gives you a huge advantage. I am a worrier, too. And I always want to know what's going on. I tell my doctor not to pull any punches with me. But again, don't borrow trouble. Don't assume the worst - go and find out.

You are in my prayers and thoughts....
Carlene

I agree
I agree totally with Carlene. 2 point fluctation is nothing! The scan will ease your mind.

I worried myself all the time when I finished my inital treatment. I would symptoms that mimic bowel obstruction. Everytime I went to the ER there was never an obstruction seen on film.

GOOD LUCK!

Nancy

kayandok

Dearest Paula,
You have already had some good input here, just dropping by to say I understand the fear and being so sick of "all of it"!!!! Do what you can to take care of yourself today, take a break from the cancer and gather up the energy to get to the bottom of the pain in your rectum.

My doctor says that any number under 10 is all the same number, just for what it is worth.

Warm hugs,
kathleen

cancer survivor x 4

Thank-You
Good Morning,
thank-you for all of your support. I am currently drinking that awful stuff they call a "vanilla smoothie". When I get to the hospital they will inject the iodine. I go to a small hospital. Last time I had a scan, I went up to the second floor and found my oncologist, who was doing rounds. He went down to radiology after rounds and got my scan results and called me before I even made it home. I am hoping to do that again today. I do not know if I will be able to locate him. Then I will have to wait, and I hate waiting. Anyway, I have a new found strength this morning and I am confident that I will be able to handle anything that comes my way, I hope. Thank-You, Paula

Tina Brown

cancer survivor x 4 said:

Thank-You
Good Morning,
thank-you for all of your support. I am currently drinking that awful stuff they call a "vanilla smoothie". When I get to the hospital they will inject the iodine. I go to a small hospital. Last time I had a scan, I went up to the second floor and found my oncologist, who was doing rounds. He went down to radiology after rounds and got my scan results and called me before I even made it home. I am hoping to do that again today. I do not know if I will be able to locate him. Then I will have to wait, and I hate waiting. Anyway, I have a new found strength this morning and I am confident that I will be able to handle anything that comes my way, I hope. Thank-You, Paula

Hey PaulaI am thinking
Hey Paula
I am thinking about you and really hoping you will get some good news soon. Cancer often takes over your entire life and this is all you can think about. But like the other ladies have already said we just have to learn to live with cancer. Mine is in-curable but I just hope to be able to keep it dormant so I can live a decent life. I have just finished my chemo & my CA 125 is 65. I know that 0 - 35 is what we all desire so I am too waiting for a scan to see what is happening in there.

The way I look at things is I will do what I have to do to fight this. I know my doctor will also do what he can to fight this for me. But I agree, the waiting is the hardest. Please let us know your results when you have them.

Take care Tina x

msfanciful

Hi Paula,
Don't beat
Hi Paula,

Don't beat yourself up too much, and I have had a recurrence @ least three time with my ovarian cancer. So do not feel like you are alone.

I'm going to pray for you and I feel that all will be well, you just have to so we can get back to that spring cleaning! LOL!

Seriously, a two point jump isn't bad at all and I think the test will reveal that as well.

Please keep us posted.

Sharon

granpatty

Hope
I Paula, I hope you feel better today. I am praying everyday for you. DO NOT GIVE UP!!! Life, even with all these situations, is beautiful!!!! Doris