Spouse playing the "Cancer Card"

mysarial

So, as I've posted before, my husband has stage IV Mesothelioma. The prognosis was 12 months tops. He's been receiving chemo and responding well to it so far, and has been feeling better. I don't believe his overall prognosis will change much, Meso just isn't "curable"; but I am thrilled to tears that for at least some of his journey, he feels good.

On Friday, we received some settlement money from one of the asbestos funds. This is a godsend, as he hasn't been working for a while, and my salary just doesn't cover everything. I could spend ALL of this money on our debt, and still not pay it off. It doesn't make a dent in the mortgage, but it would cover our car and some of our other debt, and be able to reduce our monthly expenses to a manageable amount. I am setting aside a little for a vacation for us on our anniversary, which we both want. I am also prefectly fine with letting him spend some on himself. Anything I can do to make this time as happy as possible, I want to do.

He has decided he wants to spend a LOT of it on a computer. My husband is young (36), and has always been into computers and games and whatever. We have that in common, I love many of the same things. So I "get" the excitement of being able to have a top of the line gaming system.
However, he has gone beyond all reason, and specced out a system that costs OVER SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS.

I expected he would want a new computer, but you can get a really hot one for less than half of that, especially if you build it yourself (which he can). To me this request is completely unreasonable, especially since we have so many other debts that neeed to be paid. Before we got the money, he understood this and we agreed to a plan. The second he saw the check, it all went out the window. And now he's guilting me with the "cancer card". This computer is his "dream", etc etc.

I feel like I've tried everything to get him to be rational about this. Unfortunately, he has access to the money, and may go and do it anyway. I said before, I expect him to play with some of this money. We can do a few things we've never been able to do before, and I want this time to be full of memories. $7,000 for "stuff" is just crazy to me. Am I being unreasonable here, or is he? What can we do?

grandmafay

Both Right
As a surviving caregiver who lost my husband in Oct., 2009, I can see that from each of your points of view, you are both right. My husband and I had been married for 42 years, longer than you've been alive. His biggest concern was leaving me, so he wanted to be sure everything, including finances, were in order for me. He also remodeled the bathroom, put in central air and heat and bought a new water heater. One thing I had trouble with was that he continued to spend money on things for one of his many collections. He knew that I would not keep these things and really had no interest in them. The day after he passed away, I even received some new things he had traded for. Go figure. Yet, they were important to him and they gave him pleasure. His collection and trades were something he had control over. He spent hours on the phone making his deals. Many of those he traded with were shocked to learn of his death. They didn't know he was on hospice. I think he enjoyed that, too, talking to people who either knew he was sick but not how sick and others who knew nothing about his cancer. I'm guessing that your husband feels much the same about his "toys." This is something he can control, something that isn't related to his cancer. Hopefully, you two can come to some middle ground. Try to communicate your concerns for the future. I often started these conversations with, "I feel really guilty even thinking about this, but I can't help feeling concerned about..." That worked for me, especially since my husband was also concerned about my future without him. It's hard. These aren't words of wisdom. Each of us has to follow our own heart and do the best we can at this time. What works for some, doesn't work for others. Take care of yourself. Fay

Barbara53

pay off the car
No advice needed on the details, because you already know what to do. Your plan (paragraph 2 above) is absolutely sound.

Not to sound like Suze Orman, but to have a lot of debt probably means you guys have been buying a lot of stuff for some time. Been there,done that, with former husband. Unfortunately money does not like to be handled that way.

Pay off any debts that are not dischargeable in bankruptcy, which would be student loans and back taxes. Pay off your vehicle and don't go buy a new one. Pay off debts he made that you will have to pay.

I know he's been screwed and he's pissed but hey, this is the caregivers forum, and I'm going to tell you to take care of yourself, too. When I came on here several months ago there were women here who were in dire, dire financial circumstances, as in nowhere to live, after taking care of the men they loved. Decide what you need to feel safe, and stick with your plan. Good luck to you, honey.

geotina

Barbara53 said:

pay off the car
No advice needed on the details, because you already know what to do. Your plan (paragraph 2 above) is absolutely sound.

Not to sound like Suze Orman, but to have a lot of debt probably means you guys have been buying a lot of stuff for some time. Been there,done that, with former husband. Unfortunately money does not like to be handled that way.

Pay off any debts that are not dischargeable in bankruptcy, which would be student loans and back taxes. Pay off your vehicle and don't go buy a new one. Pay off debts he made that you will have to pay.

I know he's been screwed and he's pissed but hey, this is the caregivers forum, and I'm going to tell you to take care of yourself, too. When I came on here several months ago there were women here who were in dire, dire financial circumstances, as in nowhere to live, after taking care of the men they loved. Decide what you need to feel safe, and stick with your plan. Good luck to you, honey.

Barbara
Barbara hit the nail on the head and I really don't have much to add to it.

Tough call but $7,000 on a gaming system, well, that is just too much when you are in debt and may get more in debt due to illness.

Good luck in your decision.

Tina

mysarial

geotina said:

Barbara
Barbara hit the nail on the head and I really don't have much to add to it.

Tough call but $7,000 on a gaming system, well, that is just too much when you are in debt and may get more in debt due to illness.

Good luck in your decision.

Tina

Thanks
It's hard denying him something he wants so bad; mainly because aside from odd random food cravings, he's been a doll of a patient. I absolutely know that my plan is the right one; but since we're actually NOT spenders, he's as giddy as a school girl over the thought of a big purchase. We have a mortgage, a car and credit card debt. The credit cards DID get maxxed out recently, while trying to balance losing his income and paying bills. The settlement isn't huge by any means, but it will help us get back on track.

I have so much guilt denying him this, but I really feel like it's wrong of him to ask it, knowing what is eventually going to happen. Since I've not had to fight with him over much of anything so far (he did get on a kick about having kids, but since he CAN'T right now, the subject just went away on it's own); I'm just so uncomfortable even discussing it.

I appreciate all the feedback, I hope it will help me muster up the courage to put my foot down on this, and not feel horrible about it.

Thank you

ms.sunshine

mysarial said:

Thanks
It's hard denying him something he wants so bad; mainly because aside from odd random food cravings, he's been a doll of a patient. I absolutely know that my plan is the right one; but since we're actually NOT spenders, he's as giddy as a school girl over the thought of a big purchase. We have a mortgage, a car and credit card debt. The credit cards DID get maxxed out recently, while trying to balance losing his income and paying bills. The settlement isn't huge by any means, but it will help us get back on track.

I have so much guilt denying him this, but I really feel like it's wrong of him to ask it, knowing what is eventually going to happen. Since I've not had to fight with him over much of anything so far (he did get on a kick about having kids, but since he CAN'T right now, the subject just went away on it's own); I'm just so uncomfortable even discussing it.

I appreciate all the feedback, I hope it will help me muster up the courage to put my foot down on this, and not feel horrible about it.

Thank you

You are between a hard place
You are between a hard place and a rock. If you say no he will be upset,and you will feel bad, but if he gets the game system then you will be struggling to pay bills. What if he lives longer than 12 months, no one can say for sure. Then you will need that money for the both of you. Very tough decision to make.

SamsWife

Hi there~
I'm so sorry you
Hi there~

I'm so sorry you were both dealt this hand! I was just wondering if the gaming system will have any resell value? I don't know anything about it but maybe you or someone else might. Is it possible to let him have it and eventually resell to recoup funds? Just a thought! Good luck!

Tina