fitting in at work

lizzie17

Does anyone feel like you don't fit in at work anymore? While I have lots of friendly people around me, I feel like no one is really a friend. Is it just me, my meds, or could it be true? Has this experience changed me to that extent?

TraciInLA

Lizzie,
This probably isn't exactly what you mean, but I think I can kind of relate to what you're saying.

Especially during treatment, but even now that I'm done with active treatment, it's so clear that my co-workers haven't the slightest understanding of what I've been through. Because I (mostly) worked through treatment, and now my hair's grown back, and I'm working full-time -- I must be just fine now, everything's "back to normal," right?

The worst was during chemo. I didn't wear anything on my head indoors, so everyone at work knew full well that I was doing chemo. I'm in human resources, and my employees continued to come into my office with all their regular concerns: My boss isn't nice to me. Why can't I apply for state disability when I have a cold? I have to go home sick because the soda machine ran out of Diet Coke.

And I'm sitting there -- bald, pale, exhausted -- just wanting to grab them by the throat and scream, CAN'T YOU SEE I HAVE CANCER, YOU MORON? WHY WOULD I GIVE A RAT'S A** ABOUT YOUR PETTY LITTLE PROBLEM?!?

But I didn't.

But I wanted to.

I really, really, REALLY wanted to.

:-) Traci

New Flower

Lizzie
yes, this experience has changed us. I am still having difficulties integrating back to normal life. I am sure it will pass. It feels like nobody is a friend because they do not know what you and every BC survivor knows, there is a huge distance between us and other people, and it is Ok.
Wishing you the best.

meena1

TraciInLA said:

Lizzie,
This probably isn't exactly what you mean, but I think I can kind of relate to what you're saying.

Especially during treatment, but even now that I'm done with active treatment, it's so clear that my co-workers haven't the slightest understanding of what I've been through. Because I (mostly) worked through treatment, and now my hair's grown back, and I'm working full-time -- I must be just fine now, everything's "back to normal," right?

The worst was during chemo. I didn't wear anything on my head indoors, so everyone at work knew full well that I was doing chemo. I'm in human resources, and my employees continued to come into my office with all their regular concerns: My boss isn't nice to me. Why can't I apply for state disability when I have a cold? I have to go home sick because the soda machine ran out of Diet Coke.

And I'm sitting there -- bald, pale, exhausted -- just wanting to grab them by the throat and scream, CAN'T YOU SEE I HAVE CANCER, YOU MORON? WHY WOULD I GIVE A RAT'S A** ABOUT YOUR PETTY LITTLE PROBLEM?!?

But I didn't.

But I wanted to.

I really, really, REALLY wanted to.

:-) Traci

SIGH!...yes I feel the same
SIGH!...yes I feel the same way. My perspective is so different now. It takes so long to get back into life again, i really do not think that anyone who has not been through it can understand, but i know that everyone ran when i told them i had cancer. Just last week, my sister was telling me about someone who has lung cancer and how dramatic his family is about it, so i guess thats how she felt about me. I said "are you kidding me" about 5 times, and i tried to explain about cancer, but she changed the subject. i always i loved my job and thought i would work until i was 70, now i dread each day i get up and have to work. I guess things will never be back to normal

Flakey_Flake

Changes
Although I am not working, I have found that when I run into people I know, there are several different "levels" of conversation that can happen. Some just look the other way and pretend they don't see. They are not my friends, although once I look "normal" again, they will probably talk to me. Some act happy to see me, and say "Hey, How are you doing?" to which I reply "been better - been worse" and we both go merrily along. Then there are the people who are real friends, who will say something like "Hey, are you hanging in there okay?" or "How are you doing with treatments?" or even just come up and give me a hug and say "It's good to see you." Those are my true friends. (I live in a small town - I doubt there is anyone who knows me who isn't aware of my condition.) I guess the point is it isn't you who doesn't fit in. It's others who don't know how to fit in with you. Cancer scares some people. They don't know what to say, so say nothing. Or end up saying something totally stupid. And going through cancer changes a person. You don't look the beast in the face and give it your best fight and come out the same. Best phrase I've heard is that you've "been tempered at the lid of hell." (The term "tempered" is like how steel is tempered with heat to make it stronger.) If anything, this journey has shown me who truly cares. It is a valuable lesson I might never have learned. I feel sorry for those who can only turn away.

carkris

Flakey_Flake said:

Changes
Although I am not working, I have found that when I run into people I know, there are several different "levels" of conversation that can happen. Some just look the other way and pretend they don't see. They are not my friends, although once I look "normal" again, they will probably talk to me. Some act happy to see me, and say "Hey, How are you doing?" to which I reply "been better - been worse" and we both go merrily along. Then there are the people who are real friends, who will say something like "Hey, are you hanging in there okay?" or "How are you doing with treatments?" or even just come up and give me a hug and say "It's good to see you." Those are my true friends. (I live in a small town - I doubt there is anyone who knows me who isn't aware of my condition.) I guess the point is it isn't you who doesn't fit in. It's others who don't know how to fit in with you. Cancer scares some people. They don't know what to say, so say nothing. Or end up saying something totally stupid. And going through cancer changes a person. You don't look the beast in the face and give it your best fight and come out the same. Best phrase I've heard is that you've "been tempered at the lid of hell." (The term "tempered" is like how steel is tempered with heat to make it stronger.) If anything, this journey has shown me who truly cares. It is a valuable lesson I might never have learned. I feel sorry for those who can only turn away.

like any grief experience
like any grief experience you feel like your life has stopped and you have veered off the path. you will assimilate back into your life a new normal and things will improve. As with anything some people will understand and some wont.
Then you will know who you can talk to about it and who you dont bother with. After a while you dont need to talk about it as much as life takes over. (this is my second primary) first one 16 years ago.

Sher43009

Flakey_Flake said:

Changes
Although I am not working, I have found that when I run into people I know, there are several different "levels" of conversation that can happen. Some just look the other way and pretend they don't see. They are not my friends, although once I look "normal" again, they will probably talk to me. Some act happy to see me, and say "Hey, How are you doing?" to which I reply "been better - been worse" and we both go merrily along. Then there are the people who are real friends, who will say something like "Hey, are you hanging in there okay?" or "How are you doing with treatments?" or even just come up and give me a hug and say "It's good to see you." Those are my true friends. (I live in a small town - I doubt there is anyone who knows me who isn't aware of my condition.) I guess the point is it isn't you who doesn't fit in. It's others who don't know how to fit in with you. Cancer scares some people. They don't know what to say, so say nothing. Or end up saying something totally stupid. And going through cancer changes a person. You don't look the beast in the face and give it your best fight and come out the same. Best phrase I've heard is that you've "been tempered at the lid of hell." (The term "tempered" is like how steel is tempered with heat to make it stronger.) If anything, this journey has shown me who truly cares. It is a valuable lesson I might never have learned. I feel sorry for those who can only turn away.

I think Flakey said it best.
I think Flakey said it best. Some people don't know what to say to us or how to approach the "cancer" subject so they turn away. There's a website called The Cancer Crusade that has a library section with articles called "What to say to a cancer survivor" and "What not to say to a cancer survivor". I printed them out and gave to my friends and one sister that alway said the wrong thing.

chenheart

Because the dynamics of
Because the dynamics of relationships, with both friends and co-workers changes with our BC, I poated about how ewe here on the boards at like being at HOgwarts, of HArry Potter fame. It has been suggested I bump it up for new ones going through just what you are experiencing.

So, my "long-time" sisters here on the boards can disregrd and not read Hogwarts again! But I will bump it up as requested, so the Newbies to our family can find it.

Hugs,
Chen♥

lizzie17

TraciInLA said:

Lizzie,
This probably isn't exactly what you mean, but I think I can kind of relate to what you're saying.

Especially during treatment, but even now that I'm done with active treatment, it's so clear that my co-workers haven't the slightest understanding of what I've been through. Because I (mostly) worked through treatment, and now my hair's grown back, and I'm working full-time -- I must be just fine now, everything's "back to normal," right?

The worst was during chemo. I didn't wear anything on my head indoors, so everyone at work knew full well that I was doing chemo. I'm in human resources, and my employees continued to come into my office with all their regular concerns: My boss isn't nice to me. Why can't I apply for state disability when I have a cold? I have to go home sick because the soda machine ran out of Diet Coke.

And I'm sitting there -- bald, pale, exhausted -- just wanting to grab them by the throat and scream, CAN'T YOU SEE I HAVE CANCER, YOU MORON? WHY WOULD I GIVE A RAT'S A** ABOUT YOUR PETTY LITTLE PROBLEM?!?

But I didn't.

But I wanted to.

I really, really, REALLY wanted to.

:-) Traci

thanks!
Thank you --all who responded, I am finding comfort and knowledge in this website group!
The best part is that when I think I am so unusual, I realize that my feelings are more common than I thought....which makes me feel pretty normal, again!!

missgogo

Feel tha same way.
I to feel the same. My Co Worker some have made me feel welcome back but there is one that still will not talk or come close to me. Cause she thinks that i can gice the BC to her from contact. HaHa

TraciInLA

missgogo said:

Feel tha same way.
I to feel the same. My Co Worker some have made me feel welcome back but there is one that still will not talk or come close to me. Cause she thinks that i can gice the BC to her from contact. HaHa

MissGoGo,
You should walk right up to that one co-worker and give her a big hug and kiss on the cheek, just to freak her out!

:-) Traci

GrandmaJ

TraciInLA said:

MissGoGo,
You should walk right up to that one co-worker and give her a big hug and kiss on the cheek, just to freak her out!

:-) Traci

Co workers
I can relate to all of the above. My co-worker even went to several people and complained because I was only working 5 hours a day while undergoing chemo...Nice lady !!! The doctors I work for however were all fantastic. Also, my only brother has stayed clear of me since my diagnosis, acting like it was something he could "catch".... But other than those folks, I have had a lot of support from other family members and friends.


Judy

Mama G

GrandmaJ said:

Co workers
I can relate to all of the above. My co-worker even went to several people and complained because I was only working 5 hours a day while undergoing chemo...Nice lady !!! The doctors I work for however were all fantastic. Also, my only brother has stayed clear of me since my diagnosis, acting like it was something he could "catch".... But other than those folks, I have had a lot of support from other family members and friends.


Judy

Thank goodness for my boss!
The principal I work for had a cancer scare last year and he's been one of my biggest supporters. He prepared me for what he had gone through, and now I realize I was one of the ones who didn't know how to handle it so didn't broach the subject very much. I definitely let him know I cared, but didn't really talk about the "C" word very much.
NOW, how different I feel. It has made me realize these people don't mean to be rude, just don't know how to say they care and are worried about you. (at least some of them)

dyaneb123

Mama G said:

Thank goodness for my boss!
The principal I work for had a cancer scare last year and he's been one of my biggest supporters. He prepared me for what he had gone through, and now I realize I was one of the ones who didn't know how to handle it so didn't broach the subject very much. I definitely let him know I cared, but didn't really talk about the "C" word very much.
NOW, how different I feel. It has made me realize these people don't mean to be rude, just don't know how to say they care and are worried about you. (at least some of them)

That's so true Mama G....I
That's so true Mama G....I was one of the one's who never new what to say so never said anything...this experience has taught me so much about being a better friend to my friends some of whom have let me down and some of whom have picked me up and carried me through...

carkris

dyaneb123 said:

That's so true Mama G....I
That's so true Mama G....I was one of the one's who never new what to say so never said anything...this experience has taught me so much about being a better friend to my friends some of whom have let me down and some of whom have picked me up and carried me through...

Sometimes I get caught up in
Sometimes I get caught up in how some people are. but honestly I try to think about the extrodianary support I have received. Most people have been wonderful and a few have blown me off. I am not going to dwell on it because it takes pleasure from my day, and THAT I can control, while some other things I cant. I think I am too tired too, not worth my energy. i need my energy to get better and for the fight.

natly15

TraciInLA said:

Lizzie,
This probably isn't exactly what you mean, but I think I can kind of relate to what you're saying.

Especially during treatment, but even now that I'm done with active treatment, it's so clear that my co-workers haven't the slightest understanding of what I've been through. Because I (mostly) worked through treatment, and now my hair's grown back, and I'm working full-time -- I must be just fine now, everything's "back to normal," right?

The worst was during chemo. I didn't wear anything on my head indoors, so everyone at work knew full well that I was doing chemo. I'm in human resources, and my employees continued to come into my office with all their regular concerns: My boss isn't nice to me. Why can't I apply for state disability when I have a cold? I have to go home sick because the soda machine ran out of Diet Coke.

And I'm sitting there -- bald, pale, exhausted -- just wanting to grab them by the throat and scream, CAN'T YOU SEE I HAVE CANCER, YOU MORON? WHY WOULD I GIVE A RAT'S A** ABOUT YOUR PETTY LITTLE PROBLEM?!?

But I didn't.

But I wanted to.

I really, really, REALLY wanted to.

:-) Traci

Here we go again! If you
Here we go again! If you havent "walked the walk, you can't talk the talk". People just dont understand what we are going thru and their words and behaviors are so obvious. I had a former coworker email me today. I like Traci want to say to her CAN'T YOU SEE I HAVE CANCER, YOU MORON? She basically said, "Hope you are doing fine, I'm doing great and I'm very busy. She also indicated that she left me a message on Tuesday, and I wrote back and said I was getting chemo when you called my home on Tuesday and now I'm dealing with chemo side effects.

I've never been one to ask for sympathy, and I dont think I want it now. I guess I want people to understand that I'm fighting a battle against cancer and no it's not easy and the treatments knock the crap out of me. I simply want them to understand that this is not easy and please dont minimize what I'm dealing with. I said in an earlier post, I've been a huge sounding board for my so called friends thru the years. This of course is my fault. Maybe its that wanting to be needed thing. They still want to sound off on me and I now I have to say, please I dont have the energy to listen.

There are a few who really care, but there are so many that are so needy and can only think about themselves. The gals on these boards understand and it is so freeing to be able to vent what we really feel and think, because there is a level of understanding that we'll just not find in the other world.

shortscake

fitting in at work
fitting in at work is going to be hard right now just fitting in any place is hard i work with a lady who has bc and the first thing out out her mouth is they are not going to let you work(doctor told me i could not work ) and she was like i work though my whole treatment i was like that is u and this is me we have to diff dx that i all i said and walked away i saw in the woman face that she was very upset with me for this and this is something i didn't have anything to do with. and yes we see to diff doctors but she was upset with me about wha mine had sad. if you are still working all i can say is take it one step at a time speak and more on with a smile on your face, sorry to be the one to tell you that you might not every fit in at work anymore what we have been though have changed out life always.girl power...sorry for the vent..

Cindy54

shortscake said:

fitting in at work
fitting in at work is going to be hard right now just fitting in any place is hard i work with a lady who has bc and the first thing out out her mouth is they are not going to let you work(doctor told me i could not work ) and she was like i work though my whole treatment i was like that is u and this is me we have to diff dx that i all i said and walked away i saw in the woman face that she was very upset with me for this and this is something i didn't have anything to do with. and yes we see to diff doctors but she was upset with me about wha mine had sad. if you are still working all i can say is take it one step at a time speak and more on with a smile on your face, sorry to be the one to tell you that you might not every fit in at work anymore what we have been though have changed out life always.girl power...sorry for the vent..

Not a Good Fit
I was not a good fit when I went back to work, and even when I was trying to work and do radiation. I remember a boss who said I could leave work a half hour early...I took the last rad appointment they had each day...as long as I worked through my lunch. So for 7 weeks I never had llunch. It took a toll, I ended up going on short term disability for a few weeks. And I worked there for 22 years. A year and a half ago I got laid off..one of the first to be let go. It was survival of the fittest there, even among the employees. Cindy

aztec45

Cindy54 said:

Not a Good Fit
I was not a good fit when I went back to work, and even when I was trying to work and do radiation. I remember a boss who said I could leave work a half hour early...I took the last rad appointment they had each day...as long as I worked through my lunch. So for 7 weeks I never had llunch. It took a toll, I ended up going on short term disability for a few weeks. And I worked there for 22 years. A year and a half ago I got laid off..one of the first to be let go. It was survival of the fittest there, even among the employees. Cindy

I Hear Ya
My boss was the same way. He was very sympathetic and careing....until it interfered with the job or an assignment. Once my RADS were finished, he loaded up my schedule and acted like I was done, I am back to normal. He then later would follow things up with "you need to step it up", "I need you to be faster", "you need to do the jobs quicker". We got into a fight about my wearing a cap. I have to send my photo and fingerprints into companies that I am doing work for like the Govt or FAA. He was all hopped up on the fact that my application would be rejected for "a damn cap". I snapped. I told him, "Do you think I want to wear this damn cap. Don't you know I would take it off if I did not have bald spots. I told him that all I have to do is tell the company why I wear the cap and I am excused. I told him, you know, you get so into what you want, you forget about me. I am not the same. I will never be the same. The sooner you recognize this and accept it, the less stress will be placed on our relationship." I was yelling when I said this. I felt better after this. But it doesn't matter what I say and to whom I say it to. They don't get it and they never will. It was like Flakey Flake said. You have those like my boss; those that don't know how act or what to say to you; and, those who really care and get it because they want to. We just have to recognize that and not waste our energy trying to change it. Remember, we have each other on these boards and I am very greatful. You guys help me keep my sanity.