How do you deal with Negative Nellys

mafaldas

My mom is surrounded by caring, loving friends and distant relatives who have been with us and helped her every step of the way since her cancer diagnosis two months ago. They have taken her to doctors' appointments, taken care of documents, brought her meals, etc... There is just one problem: They are poorly-informed and often give my mom incorrect and negative information. And, since I live thousands of miles from my mom, I am not always on hand to do message control.

After my mom's surgery, these lovely friends and relatives imperiled her recovery by filling her with fears based on incorrect information. (For example, even though every post-op care booklet I read mentioned the importance of walking as soon as possible, our relatives insisted on keeping my mom inactive and at home all day long.) I managed to contain the damage with daily, exhausting, hours-long Skype sessions where I would encourage my mom and sort out all the wrong information she was getting.

She just started chemo and radiation therapy, and I am at home with my mom for the first week. And, these caring individuals are already busy at work. An aunt called today and warned my mom to enjoy herself now before the terrible tiredness of radiotherapy set in. A friend warned my mom her cousin puked her brains out for a month because of chemo. So far, my mom has tolerated her treatments very well, and I don't want the doom-and-gloom crowd to scare her. My mom and I are well aware that chemo and radiation therapy can have terrible side-effects, but I have encouraged her to take it day by day, to not anticipate the side effects.

What can I do about the Negative Nellys? How can I deal with them, especially since I am leaving again on Monday? My mom depends on them for support when I am not here, so cutting them off is not an option. But, I don't want them to affect my mom's treatment and outcome. I thank you for all your tips.

mafaldas

I realize I might sound
I realize I might sound ungrateful towards our support network. I love these individuals dearly, and I cannot thank them enough for the solidarity they have shown towards my mom.

Barbara53

mafaldas said:

I realize I might sound
I realize I might sound ungrateful towards our support network. I love these individuals dearly, and I cannot thank them enough for the solidarity they have shown towards my mom.

be the rock
It is amazing what I hear from the next room when I'm on caregiver duty and Mom's friends come to visit. Or used to. You will notice that for the first 6 months or so there is all kinds of support, and then the cards and phone calls trickle off and you'll find out who among your mom's friends have real sticking power.

I'm the only daughter (3 great brothers), so I've been Mom's primary caregiver for over a year, and I have a little advice: choose your battles. When you're away, you can't control much of anything except your Mom's mood, which will get a boost each time you call. Trying to control others, whether near or far, is usually a losing proposition anyway.

We're all flying blind here, but I have found it helpful to conceive of my role as The Rock. I am always there in some way, never overly positive nor overly negative about outcomes, and I try to stay well informed. Friends and family often do give Mom info that is misleading or outright wrong, but so what? It is very hard NOT to get angry with them, but with practice it is possible.

Your Mom may be different, but I've also learned that my mother hears what she wants to hear, and is not the best reporter on various conversations. When she is the source of a story about a family member that gets under my skin, I now assume she has got it a little wrong.

You sound like such a sensitive person. Maybe toughening up is all you need to do as you hold on tight for this crazy ride.