Never went through shocked period...

JillyB

Hi all,
I was just wondering if anyone out there had any kind of experience like me. I found out I had cancer because of a Chest CT done as a checkup for back surgery I also had last year. The lungs were fine, but I got a letter from the radialogist saying he found a "spiculated density" in the tail (?) of my right upper breast ans shoudl have it looked at as soon as possible. I was 35. Only 36 now. So, of course, I looked up the phrase and it was never attached to the word cancer. So I knew before even going to the Dr. And when he told my mother and I, we had had about 4 days to digest it, and had NO reaction when he told us. I was just like, "Well, ok, what's next?"..he kept saying things like it was ok to to cry or get anry or stuff like that, but I just wasn't. Haven't shed atear to this day about getting it. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I was raised on a horse farm, where there was no complaining about work, and if something was wrong, you just fixed it...but some ppl say things to me, and I don't feel what they feel to have an appropriate kind of answer, if that made any sense...thanks chemo brain! lol...oh that's the other thing, this family also uses humor alot.
Anyway, wondering if anyone else has had the kind of non-emotional reaction and experience I had. And please trust me, I'm not squishing anything down, it's jsut not there. This to me is like any other illness. You do what you can to get rid of it.
Thanks for listening,
jilly

cindycflynn

Jilly
I think it's a good thing if you can enter this fight with such a no-nonsense, get-it-done approach

I received my dx over the phone while I was at work, and although I didn't fall apart or anything, I think I was in shock for a while. My boss insisted that I go home immediately, and I took him up on it even though I could have stayed.

I'm sure your positive perspective will continue to help you through this. Don't feel like you have to admit to emotions that you don't have. Everyone is different.

Cindy

cindycflynn

Jilly
Double post!

crselby

honest
I'm glad you feel you are safe posting here and can express your honest emotions.

When the imaging center asked me to come back for a second, 'closer look' mammogram of my right breast in April, I did it with no thought, absolutely no thought that it could be cancer. No one in my family has had breast cancer and I'd sort of been assured that the fibrocystic changes in my breasts precluded me from getting cancer; the two didn't usually go together. (Don't know where I got that idea.) So when the second mammo showed microcalcifications, I was sure I would be in the 85% for whom they are not cancer. My doctor asked me to come in for the results, and I said, "oh, this can't be good" and her answer was non-committal. I had about 3 hours from that call to the point at which she got close to my face and solemnly told me, "You have breast cancer." I, like you, did not cry. I was shocked, though. So I asked what kind, and she was flustered and said, 'Breast cancer'. So I asked, "Is it DCIS?" and she obviously didn't understand that I knew more about the types of breast cancer than she did so she started to spell: d-u-c-t-a-l... I stopped her. My husband and I asked, "what do we do next?"

Driving home I was angry that this would happen to me. That my body betrayed me this way. That my life was just starting a head long plunge down a path I DID NOT WANT to go down! But my life has always been about putting one foot in front of the other and moving on. I honestly don't think I was in denial, ever. Just angry. I did shed tears for what this was going to do to my nusband and son's lives after getting into it a few days. Thank goodness I had someone who had just gone through a lot of this herself who was non-judgemental and always an available ear!!!

But once the whole treatment process began, I was calmer. Now, I've been done with surgery (lumpectomy) and rads for 6 months and feel pretty darn good. I check in here to wee what people are saying, if there is any news about vitamin D or Tamoxifen or aspirin, etc.

I hope you continue to face your future with clear eyes, courage, lots of support from loved ones, and a positive outlook (sorry for using that much overused cliche word). I hope we hear from you as you move through this journey.
~~Connie~~

Lisa1967

yes shock
I think I was most shocked because I had a supposedly "clean" mammogram in Aug of 2009. In Jan. 2010 I found a lump, to me it appeared like a huge lump but they say it is small, stage 1 unless it has spread to the lymph nodes.
I haven't shed any tears, I think my biggest emotion is fear. I have an 8 year old and I'm terrified that I won't get to see her grow up.

dyaneb123

Lisa1967 said:

yes shock
I think I was most shocked because I had a supposedly "clean" mammogram in Aug of 2009. In Jan. 2010 I found a lump, to me it appeared like a huge lump but they say it is small, stage 1 unless it has spread to the lymph nodes.
I haven't shed any tears, I think my biggest emotion is fear. I have an 8 year old and I'm terrified that I won't get to see her grow up.

Well I was scared to death
Well I was scared to death until I had the stageing talk with the surgeon nd understood that it was a curable cancer and not gonna kill me any time soon....then it was "ok what's next?" I relly havn't been emotional about the mastectomy...or reconstruction...chemo...rads....but I think that that's partly due to my age....at 60 who gives a flip about the perky boobies! If I was 30 I'm sure it would have been different.

Marcia527

I found my cancer and knew
I found my cancer and knew that is what it was. I waited a couple of days and decided I'd better get to the doctor if it was cancer so I did. The PCP thought it was cancer too and sent me for the mammogram. My husband was supposed to go on a business trip that afternoon and I thought he should go. He and the doctor disagreed and the company sent someone else. The PCP showed more emotion than I. But I had a couple days to get used to it. That was Aug. 2003. I got through treatment by doing what I had to do.

mariam_11_09

I had no reaction either

I had no reaction either when I got my diagnosis. The doctor was rather surprised. When the doctor told me my response was 'Okay I have cancer, what do I need to do know'. She kept telling it would sink in later and I would feel everything later and it didn't happen. I also wondered if on some level I was in denial but I really just felt equanimity.

I was however shocked and saddened when they told me that breast preservation was not an option for me, I needed a mastectomy. I really did not want to loose my breast. After a couple of days I was back to normal. Like your family, we have a great sense of humour and I found many things to laugh about in this process.

I think some people just deal with things differently. For me, it has always been this is something I just need to deal with like I would most other things in life. I do have moments of fear, a little sadness but they pass rather quickly (at least for now they have) and I have beautiful moments of gratitude.

chenheart

One thing we know for sure~
One thing we know for sure~ though there may indeed be similarities within this eclectic family of warrior-surivors here on the CSN boards, and whereas we empathize with each other, there is no right/wrong as far as to our reactions !!

I have a feeling, and maybe it is indeed from your life on the horse farm, that you are a take-charge, do what needs to be done kind of woman! And, good for you!

Just know that IF ( not when) you have the occasional pity-party, or chemo-induced insomnia, or a complete why-me meltdown~ that's ok too!

At the end of the day, we are all women, family members and friends doing what we can to win the battle with this Beast. However we do it (while keeping a clean conscience! LOL) and emerge successful is just fine!

Hugs,
Chen♥

Different Ballgame

I Never Cried, Too
Jilly,

When I was told that I had breast cancer 0 Stage DCIS, I didn't believe it. I thought they made a mistake because I am so healthy. I thought they got someone's records mixed up with mine. However, after the 3rd surgical biopsy (I never had a tumor, I had a speck of cancer) due to margins not being clear, I finally believed it.

I am a strong person. It's my makeup. I never felt a tear nor did I ever have any fear. I react to things very much like you react to things. Okay, these are the facts, what are my options, research those options, talk to two breast cancer patients who are friends, interview doctors, and assemble all data to make a decision on how to proceed with my care.

When I was a teenager I saw first hand in my family what damage a mind can do the body and I made an oath to myself that I would never let my mind control my body that way. The first thing I taught myself was not to worry. It took me one year, as a teenager (no easy feat) to teach myself not to worry. To this day, I do not worry.

Surgical oncologist did make a statement to me relating to the fact that I did not cry. Most women cry when they hear that they have breast cancer. Jilly, I was 65 years old then.

However, the second time around (age 68) when I was told that I had a recurrence (1% group for recurrence)of invasive carcinoma on my scar, there were a number of times when the tears were ready to flow while I was in a discussion with a doctor, but the tears never came.

I don't think there are many women like us and I think we are afraid to state how we really feel because we don't want to be viewed in a different way by our sisters.

This I will say. When I had the cancer the first time and after my double mastectomy (my choice) with no further follow up to chemo nor radiation, I FELT LIKE AN IMPOSTER...an imposter to cancer because I did not go through chemo nor radiation. When I said this to one of my nurses, she responded, "But, you did give up two breasts." Yes, I did pay a price for the cancer.

So here we are. Some of us have no fear, no worry, no tears and some of us have fear, worry, and shed tears. What we all have in common is the CANCER; we just react to it in different ways based on our inherent emotions.

Jilly, I am so glad I found you.

Lots of Hugs and Lots of Love,
Janelle

CarrWilson

Complained for so long
I had a negative mammogram 8/2009, but had complained of a lump for 5 years in my right breast. (with a total of 3 mammograms) When my husband noticed puckering in my right lower breast in September and pointed it out, I was mad at him, and told him to quit looking at my boobs. (Little did I know he may have helped to save my life).

I had a repeat mammogram and biopsy 12/17/09, and my Gyn wanted me to come in to talk about the results. I knew it was not good. I could not make the appointments she had available and it was just before Christmas and I was going on vacation for 2 weeks over the holidays. I basically begged her and told her I would not break down, to please tell me over the phone. She did tell me I had ICD, I took a deep breath and said "OK, What's next?" I felt more disbelief than any other emotion. And I have not cried except when the surgeon told me I needed a mastectomy. I was a little shell shocked, but mostly in a little denial.

You seem to have a great outlook, and I like your statement. "You do what you can to get rid of it." Everyone has their own reaction, and you seem like a really strong person with a supportive, humorous family. I think sometimes people have expectations, or try to project what "their" reaction would be on us.

I am glad you are doing well - Carrie

tgf

CarrWilson said:

Complained for so long
I had a negative mammogram 8/2009, but had complained of a lump for 5 years in my right breast. (with a total of 3 mammograms) When my husband noticed puckering in my right lower breast in September and pointed it out, I was mad at him, and told him to quit looking at my boobs. (Little did I know he may have helped to save my life).

I had a repeat mammogram and biopsy 12/17/09, and my Gyn wanted me to come in to talk about the results. I knew it was not good. I could not make the appointments she had available and it was just before Christmas and I was going on vacation for 2 weeks over the holidays. I basically begged her and told her I would not break down, to please tell me over the phone. She did tell me I had ICD, I took a deep breath and said "OK, What's next?" I felt more disbelief than any other emotion. And I have not cried except when the surgeon told me I needed a mastectomy. I was a little shell shocked, but mostly in a little denial.

You seem to have a great outlook, and I like your statement. "You do what you can to get rid of it." Everyone has their own reaction, and you seem like a really strong person with a supportive, humorous family. I think sometimes people have expectations, or try to project what "their" reaction would be on us.

I am glad you are doing well - Carrie

When I got the news ...
I guess when they told me the lump "was probably cancer" something inside me must have kicked into gear because I just kept going through the biopsies and tests ... like a real trooper. Not really afraid. I just wanted it either confirmed ... or not ... and none of this "it might be" stuff. When the doctor finally did confirm that it was cancer I just started with my questions ... mainly "What's the next step?" .... and from then on it's just been one step at a time. At least that's what make it easier for me. I think if I'd looked at the "big picture" and stewed about all of the "what if's" ... I think I would have driven myself nuts. Instead ... I just kept telling myself ... it is what it is ... and I just have to do what is necessary (one step at a time) to take care of things.

So far ... so good ... :-)

hugs.
teena

mimivac

Different reactions
I don't think your reaction is any less authentic than anyone else's. We all come here with different temperaments, life experiences and conditioning. You may find that you have a latent reaction to your diagnosis, as I did. Or not. Either is OK. When I first found my very large lump, I was certain that it was NOT cancer. First of all, I didn't think cancer grew that quickly and I was 34 years old with very little family history. I remember joking about it with my mom, saying I knew for certain that it wasn't cancer. I actually went hopping and skipping for my mammogram and even to biopsy. Well, when it turned out to be an aggressive tumor, I think I was shell shocked. I remained so cheerful that my breast surgeon became worried about me. Then one weekend, boom -- it hit me. I remember that as the worst weekend of my life. I was paralyzed with fear and certain that I was on my way to my deathbed soon. I still have my moments. You should feel confident that you are having the right reaction for you. I hope you remain steady in your resolve and as self-aware as you seem to be.

Mimi