How to explain this to my children

dragonflymom
dragonflymom Member Posts: 46
edited March 2014 in Esophageal Cancer #1
Hello,

My mom is 55 and has stage 4 esophageal cancer. She was diagnosed the end of November 2009. Treatment seemed to be going well and then the pain hit. She has finished her chemoradiation and is waiting on scans. The pain is sometimes so much for her that she just rocks back and forth and moans. Last week it was found that she has blood clots in her leg and lung. Now she is giving herself shots morning and night to try and dissolve them. It would be worth mentioning that this is not my mom's first bought with cancer. She was diagnosed with leukemia in 1997 and had a bone marrow transplant that rendered her cancer-free for the last twelve years. Those months preceding her BMT were nothing like what she is going through now. She's a strong woman but this time it seems that cancer is winning.

I have two children ages 7 and 2 1/2. When my son found out Nana was sick the first thing he said was "oh, I hope she doesn't die". He hasn't seen my mom in over a month and thankfully doesn't ask questions but I fear that as the months progress and word of my mom's health is talked about more he may start to worry. Yet I have no idea what to say to him. He will clearly understand more than my daughter but I'm at a loss for words. We have only had to tell him about death once and that was when he was almost four. He only mentioned "Pappy" a few times and then he just kind of forgot.

Does anyone have any advice for what to say? I know I'll need to explain it differently to each one of them.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read this.

Comments

  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #2
    This comment has been removed by the Moderator
  • K_ann1015
    K_ann1015 Member Posts: 500
    #3
    talking to kids
    Hi,
    my dad has stage 3 EC, went thru chemo-radiation, surgery. He is doing well, but needs to gain weight and then will get follow up chemo. I have 4 children who love their "Papa". The tricky thing is that their ages are 9, 11, 14,17. So it was a different conversation with them. I find that sharing good news as well as bad new is important. The medical details would not be a good idea, unless they are asking for more information. "Nana is still very sick, but the doctors are doing all they can to help her feel as good as she can." I think avoiding talking about it will make it harder for you. You have enough stress already--

    Does your mom live close? If she does and has some "good" times---I would suggest letting her see them---if she can tolerate visitors. If she is too sick then it may not be a good idea. But it's hard for them to deal with this with out any contact...even a phone call??? I share the caring bridge updates with my kids after I write them. We also pray together for his health & the doctors. I also like what Bailey had to say...

    Keep posting or checking this site---it will help in many ways.
    Kim
  • aunti_m
    aunti_m Member Posts: 41
    #4
    telling the kids
    First of all I'm so sorry about your mom and hope her pain becomes tolerable for her. I also have children ages 5 and 9 and their dad is suffering from stage iv EC. I am in the process of getting hospice in our home to try to keep him more comfortable. He was dx in May of 2009, fought hard (is still fighting) and has tried 3 differnt chemo treatments but the cancer is not responding. Within a few days after dx we told our kids what was going on (they wanted to know why everyone was calling and crying). We explained in the simplist way that dad is very sick and has cancer. He is going to see a lot of doctors who are going to try and help him get better but that his cancer is a very hard one to get better from. We told him he may not get better and it may be Gods plan to take him to heaven. We said we have to pray for him. The first thing our 5 year old said was "that's o.k. if you die dad because then you'll be with Jesus", but because he lives in the moment (which I didn't think of at first) he thought dad might die that night and we had to reassure and reassure some more that he wasn't going to die that night. Our 9 year old daughter was able to understand more so I was very honest with her, I told her exactly what the doctors told us. They gave us statistics that he may live for a year maybe less but that only God knows when it's his time to die. I told my daughter a few days later to tell her friends that cancer is not contagious, she quickly told me "I know that mom, I already told them that." Sometimes we don't give them enought credit, they are very smart and very resilient. Cancer is brought up often in our home. They don't have many questions but I keep asking them if they do. I try to think if I was a child what I might have a question about, then I say something like, " you guys may be wondering if we'll still live in our house if dad dies" and I answer those types of things. It's so hard because we want to protect our children from any kind of pain, emotionsal or otherwise. Your kids will be o.k. but be honest with them, they will suprise you in ways you can't imagine small children could.

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