Planning

grandmafay
grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
Something has been on my mind for awhile, and I thought I'd throw it out. Many of us have talked about the role of the caregiver and how difficult that is. I just wonder what, if anything, we should do to plan for the possible need for our care in the future. As we have learned, anyone can become ill and need care. How can we make things easier for our care? Who will take on the role of caregiver if we need one? Several of us have had to deal with aging parents. What's the best way to plan for that? I've talked about a senior facility that includes independent through hospice care. I'm not ready for that yet, but what if I get sick before that? Just random thoughts. Since I live alone now, I am concerned. Fay

Comments

  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #2
    give yourself some time
    Fay, it's so hard to be alone after all you have been through. Having cancer in the house is almost like another presence, and then suddenly your husband and his dark visitor are both gone.

    Now that you're alone, do you feel safe and comfortable in your home? That's the real question now, and I certainly wouldn't buy into a tiered care system right away. Instead, look into joining a widowed persons group if you can find one, and learn from others who are re-making their own lives. When my father died 8 years ago, widowed persons helped her create a life she has enjoyed tremendously.

    Do you have children? Grandchildren? On down the line when you need care, they will see to your needs. That's how families work, and it's in the Ten Commandments.
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #3
    Barbara53 said:

    give yourself some time
    Fay, it's so hard to be alone after all you have been through. Having cancer in the house is almost like another presence, and then suddenly your husband and his dark visitor are both gone.

    Now that you're alone, do you feel safe and comfortable in your home? That's the real question now, and I certainly wouldn't buy into a tiered care system right away. Instead, look into joining a widowed persons group if you can find one, and learn from others who are re-making their own lives. When my father died 8 years ago, widowed persons helped her create a life she has enjoyed tremendously.

    Do you have children? Grandchildren? On down the line when you need care, they will see to your needs. That's how families work, and it's in the Ten Commandments.

    Home
    I am fine in my home and certainly wouldn't do anything for many years. I'm just trying to think ahead. My husband and I talked about this many times even before he got sick. Our parents did not plan for old age. They just intended to stay healthy and in their own homes. That's not reality for most people. I don't want my children to have to deal with the problems that come with caring for an aging mother without a plan in place. I was just wondering if others have any ideas. Fay
  • slickwilly
    slickwilly Member Posts: 334 Member
    #4
    grandmafay said:

    Home
    I am fine in my home and certainly wouldn't do anything for many years. I'm just trying to think ahead. My husband and I talked about this many times even before he got sick. Our parents did not plan for old age. They just intended to stay healthy and in their own homes. That's not reality for most people. I don't want my children to have to deal with the problems that come with caring for an aging mother without a plan in place. I was just wondering if others have any ideas. Fay

    looking ahead
    Hi Fay. I guess each family situation is different. Some children live close by and don't mind looking out for their parents. Others are scattered all over the country. My family seems to go with the wishes of the parents. If they want to stay at home then we figure out a way to take care of them. Or we take them into our homes. My mother and step-father are way ahead of the game with a wheelchair ramp, large door openings and a handicap shower. Along with everything they need for daily living on one floor. No climbing stairs later in life. We already have a good ralationship with the local hospice and health department nurse. We have taken the time to express our wishes when it comes to our funerals. Like most things in life communication seems to be quite important. Someone has to know what we would like when we can't make decisions for ourselves. Best wishes Slickwilly
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #5
    grandmafay said:

    Home
    I am fine in my home and certainly wouldn't do anything for many years. I'm just trying to think ahead. My husband and I talked about this many times even before he got sick. Our parents did not plan for old age. They just intended to stay healthy and in their own homes. That's not reality for most people. I don't want my children to have to deal with the problems that come with caring for an aging mother without a plan in place. I was just wondering if others have any ideas. Fay

    you will never be a bother to your children
    So, where did this idea come from that caring for aging parents is a problem, a burden, something we don't like to do? That just doesn't make sense, when you look at the other threads next to this one, full of people who would give anything to have one more day with their mother. I've been commuting over 700 miles one way for over a year to take care of my mother, and it still feels like a priviledge. My brothers feel the same way. It's what our Dad would want us to do, and we'll honor that until the day WE die.

    Sorry for the rant. It is nice knowing that Mom's funeral is pre-arranged except for the flowers, and her affairs are in order with my oldest brother fully aware of her financial details. But matters of health cannot be predicted, and to expect your children to be satisfied for you to be cared for by strangers in some far-off time of frailty is not how love works. Yes, make plans and communicate with your kids, but don't assume you are so alone. It just feels that way!
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #6
    Barbara53 said:

    you will never be a bother to your children
    So, where did this idea come from that caring for aging parents is a problem, a burden, something we don't like to do? That just doesn't make sense, when you look at the other threads next to this one, full of people who would give anything to have one more day with their mother. I've been commuting over 700 miles one way for over a year to take care of my mother, and it still feels like a priviledge. My brothers feel the same way. It's what our Dad would want us to do, and we'll honor that until the day WE die.

    Sorry for the rant. It is nice knowing that Mom's funeral is pre-arranged except for the flowers, and her affairs are in order with my oldest brother fully aware of her financial details. But matters of health cannot be predicted, and to expect your children to be satisfied for you to be cared for by strangers in some far-off time of frailty is not how love works. Yes, make plans and communicate with your kids, but don't assume you are so alone. It just feels that way!

    Wrong Idea
    I think you have gotten the wrong idea about my thinking. Both my husband's and my mother have lived into their 90s. My mother is still living. She is now living with my sister. She lived with me for the year prior to my husband's death. Before that she lived about 5 minutes away and I visited almost daily to help her. She went to my sister when my husband went on hospice. In my husband's case, his mother refused to leave her home or accept any help. She lived with her 90 year old sister until she passed away. She had congestive heart failure and was not getting good care. I know the worry and stress this was for my husband as he fought cancer. My thinking is that I want to make this as easy on my family as possible. I also have friends who are moving her mother into assisted living this weekend. She has MS and is unable to care for her mother. They tried having live-in help. That is just getting too expensive. My friend is doing the best she can, but she is feeling real guilt. I also have several friends from church in their late 70s and 80s who have moved into a local tiered housing place. They are having a ball, love the food, and are keeping active. In the meantime, their families know that they have help available 24 hours. I just think a little pre-planning is a good thing. Fay
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #7
    grandmafay said:

    Wrong Idea
    I think you have gotten the wrong idea about my thinking. Both my husband's and my mother have lived into their 90s. My mother is still living. She is now living with my sister. She lived with me for the year prior to my husband's death. Before that she lived about 5 minutes away and I visited almost daily to help her. She went to my sister when my husband went on hospice. In my husband's case, his mother refused to leave her home or accept any help. She lived with her 90 year old sister until she passed away. She had congestive heart failure and was not getting good care. I know the worry and stress this was for my husband as he fought cancer. My thinking is that I want to make this as easy on my family as possible. I also have friends who are moving her mother into assisted living this weekend. She has MS and is unable to care for her mother. They tried having live-in help. That is just getting too expensive. My friend is doing the best she can, but she is feeling real guilt. I also have several friends from church in their late 70s and 80s who have moved into a local tiered housing place. They are having a ball, love the food, and are keeping active. In the meantime, their families know that they have help available 24 hours. I just think a little pre-planning is a good thing. Fay

    the easy life
    Guess we don't communicate so well on these forums all the time. I know what you are saying, and a few months ago I enjoyed a Sunday brunch at a facility like the one you describe. It was a wonderful small facility owned by the Catholic church, and looked like a great place to live - walking distance to a library and Starbucks. It had started out as a tiered care system, then became independent with leases now available. Anyway, old age certainly can get sticky, and you are certainly wise to plan for what you think is best for you.
  • AnnaLeigh
    AnnaLeigh Member Posts: 187 Member
    #8
    Glad you started this subject
    Fay,

    Thank you for starting this wonderful and thought-provoking subject for us. In the back of my mind I have been wondering (and sometimes scared) about who will be looking after me and what burdens they may face during my advanced years or in the case of illness. Being so caught up in the daily care of my husband, I had put this concern on the back burner. But it is never too early to be planning and thinking about what I want to do.

    I would rather think and plan for these conditions now than wait until I have no voice in the matter and must rely on children or family to make those decisions on my behalf. Sort of like pre-arranged funeral services so that no one has to guess what is appropriate or what your wishes are. There have already been arrangements made!

    There is relief knowing I can choose my assisted care facility and not leave this burden of questions and/or guilt to my family. Let's plan now so our own minds and our family can rest easy.

    AnnaLeigh

    P.S. We are grateful for your strong and comforting presence on this discussion board
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #9
    AnnaLeigh said:

    Glad you started this subject
    Fay,

    Thank you for starting this wonderful and thought-provoking subject for us. In the back of my mind I have been wondering (and sometimes scared) about who will be looking after me and what burdens they may face during my advanced years or in the case of illness. Being so caught up in the daily care of my husband, I had put this concern on the back burner. But it is never too early to be planning and thinking about what I want to do.

    I would rather think and plan for these conditions now than wait until I have no voice in the matter and must rely on children or family to make those decisions on my behalf. Sort of like pre-arranged funeral services so that no one has to guess what is appropriate or what your wishes are. There have already been arrangements made!

    There is relief knowing I can choose my assisted care facility and not leave this burden of questions and/or guilt to my family. Let's plan now so our own minds and our family can rest easy.

    AnnaLeigh

    P.S. We are grateful for your strong and comforting presence on this discussion board

    Thank You
    Thank you for your kind words. I find coming here helpful. It's nice if I can help others, too. Fay

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